AND HE IS MONEY
IN
THE
BANK!
ON:
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome everyone to the Monday Night Rabble! Starting of course with the replay of last night…. where if you don’t know… Edge won the World Title… yes.. if you didn’t know – Edge won the World Title.
Joining us tonight are:
Mister Money In The Bank…. Bill
Mister Dinero en el Banco… Hernandez
Madam Green in the Hizzy…. Jenna
Mrs. Hatton with my wallet.. Dani
Mister Computer On the Lap.. Chris
Mister Presents In The Bag.. Eric
“You know Edge promised sex in the ring tonight…” – Eric
“With Lita..” – Hernandez
“With Flair..” – Bill
So as we start the show, I am sitting next to my new 14″ poseable Roddy Piper that I just got for Christmas… (Thanks Eric!)
We are here in PA and here comes Cena!
“Lookin a little light there Cena” – Hernandez
THe crowd is mixed…. not full on boos. Not happy though.
“I’m trying to understand this. I insist that life is full of choices. Last night, Edge at a very opportunistic time, cashed in his Money In The Bank… and he beat me for the WWE Title. Just like tonight you people are making choices. A lot of people have decided tonight… that I suck.” – Cena
“Why is he speaking like a black man?” – Chris
“There are also people who made the choice to ride with me through the good times AND the bad times… not just because it was the cool thing to do. The ten million people that wanna haterate… they can kiss my ass, because tonight I’m making a choice.”
“I QUIT” – Me
“Tonight I’m cashing in my rematch… Tonight.. Right here.. Right now.. I want my rematch for the WWE Title..”
And here comes EDGE!
“Ohhh I think we know him!” – Me
Hey! It’s Lita, and she’s not looking bad tonight.. sadly they gave her the microphone. She says that he will get his rematch… but not tonight.. but at the Royal Rumble.
“Have you been online tonight?” – Lita
“Have you been to The Hun?” – Me
“You can see my early work…” – Chris
Lita then announces that she and Edge will get in a bed in the middle ring and have a menage ah tua…
“That means FOUR!”
With her… Edge… and…
“Kloakus..” – Hernandez
the World Title. Edge will in fact last longer than 2 minutes. So Cena takes the challenge for the Royal Rumble – “You can bank on that… bitch..”
“She acts like she’s never heard THAT before..” – Jenna
“That was Matt Hardy’s pet name for her…” – Hernandez
Also tonight.. Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle vs. Carlito and Masters
Also tonight.. Trish Stratus vs. Ashley
COMMERCIAL
In the ring, right now is Mickey James wearing a doctarri skirt… and as Lillian introduces Trish Stratus, Mickey stops her and asks for a better ovation as she introduces her. Trish though is looking ok with a pink Wonderbra and latex top.
Now though is time for Ashley wearing the black pleated number, fishnets, boots, and she is the so far WINNER OF THE LECH AWARD!
TRISH vs. ASHLEY
“I think these lech awards are demeaning” – Dani
“They are!” – Me
“Because you ahven’t won one..” – Hernandez
“Defend my honor” – Dani
“I..ah….I..errr….shit.. I can do nothing right now” – Me
As the bell rings – they move into the hammerlock reversal set-up and the fireman’s carry from Trish for a two count.
Side headlock to a side takedown, then leg scissors from Ashley. Another repeat of the spot and they throw Trish into the corner.. she leaps and catches Ashley around the neck and Ashley pulls her away dropping Trish face first.
In runs Mickey James for the DQ.
They announce that TRISH won the match, and Trish signals to Lillian to change it up…
WINNER: ASHLEY via DQ
Now Trish and Mickey James fight for a long moment in the ring…. and Trish runs after Ashley – leaving Mickey in the ring…
COMMERCIAL
RVD PROMO!?!!!!!!
“I can smell the swampass from here!” – Me
RVD In the Royal Rumble!
Now in the back here comes Vince to talk to John Cena… he apologizes about Cena losing the title, but says he’s happy that Cena will get his rematch. He also is discussing the ‘live sex’ stating that he hopes it goes smooth… and nobody interrupt it.
“I heard Lita’s smooth..” – Chris
“Only if you pick the scabs and let the puss run..” – Me
Cena makes a Lita blew McMahon joke and we move on to Carlito in the backstage as he gets threatened by Masters since Carlito screwed Masters last night.
COMMERCIAL
On a commercial for Blow –
“Is this movie on every week after wrestling?” – Chris
“It’s crosspromotion” – Me
ROB CONWAY is in the ring… on a Smackdown qualifying match…
“He’s still here!?!??!” – Me
“He’s from NJ… when he gets home he can smoke in a casino” – Bill
His opponent.. Chavo Guerrero.
“He betttttter win this” – Everyone
The Eddie chant begins as the bell rings.
ROB CONWAY vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Chavo starts by throwing Rob corner to corner… and Rob goes for a few fists, but gets thrown into the corner and throws a clothesline to drop Conway. Chavo goes to skin the cat… but Rob charges him.
Rob throws him around on the outside… tosses him in and puts him into a chinlock. Chavo throws a kick.. caught.. and a SNAPPY Enzuiguri.. sending Rob outside.. then the PLANCHA which Joey calls the ‘Pescado’ or… ‘The Fish’.
Back in the ring Chavo hits a nice rana and climbs Rob in the corner for five hits.. Rob throws him down but Chavo hits a TIGHT dropkick… but Rob rolls Chavo over for a pin… but the ref sees it as two (a messed up spot)
Rob does an Eddie Guerrero Taunt!?!??! And Chavo kicks him and hits the Three Amigo Suplexes..
“CHEVY! STEVE!” – Bill
“MARTIN!” – Hernandez
Chavo hits the frog splash and gets the win.
WINNER: CHAVO GUERRERO
COMMERCIAL
“So what ‘F’ word do you think they are really performing in the ring” – Dani
“Flock of Seagulls” – Hernandez
“Lita insinuated that it’ll be something with the letter F..” – Dani
“She was insinuating f*cking” – Me
“Yes, but I figured it was going be another F word” – Dani
“Yes.. something funny… something f*cking funny..”- Hernandez
“Maybe she’ll take him to Firmgully**” – Dani
“What if she yells out Jeff?” – Hernandez
(**Jamie’s pet name for Brokeback Mountain)
COMMERCIAL
We get a Wrestlemania Moment of when he won the Money In The Bank.
In the back Shawn is there… and here comes Kurt with Akbar. Kurt looks a bit upset. He had Cena beat.. and Michaels understands, but tonight we’re..
“Brothers” – Dani
..partners. Can Shawn trust Kurt? Kurt shows him the gold medal.
“Kiss it” – Hernandez
“SWEAR TO MEEEEEEEE” – Bill (Wearing a Batman Mask)
Shelton’s here in the back with his mama… and she stops to talk to Val Venis, as she’s seen him in a movie or two. “Shaving Ryans Privates” … “Glad-He-Ate’r” … “Harry Twatter” so we can assume that is a match for tonight, as Mama doesn’t wanna hear that.
“How did they get AWAY with that!?!” – Chris
So coming to the ring is Carlito.. and then..
“POWWWDERRRREEEDDDD TOOASSSST –” – Bill
“FAAAAAGGGGG” – Hernandez
“MAAAAAAAANN” – Bill
“I wish he had Brokeback out of the Masterlock” – Chris
“The only Masterpiece he is.. is a Rob Liefeld” – Dani
Of course.. this shameless homosexual bashing means one person and one person only… Chris Masters…
COMMERCIAL
We come back and they are arguing. Shocker.
It’s now time for the Rabble’s favorite chant…
“One Fish
Two Fish
Red Fish
Blue Fish” – All of us
Kurt Angle baaayyybeeeeee….
OH SHAWWWWN…
“I got a Batman Mask..
It was too tight..
I took it off..
I put my glasses back on..”- Bill
And the match begins with the cluster attack!
Angle throws out Masters and Michaels drops Carlito with a back elbow.
Side takedown to Carlito. Brought up to a side headlock… to the ropes, and as Shawn gets pushed, he grabs Carlito’s hair and goes RIGHT back into it.
This time Carlito DOES get the push to the ropes and the shouldercheck from Shawn, another rope cross and a hiptoss from Carlito, who gets a kick to the face from Shawn…. Shawn to his feet and a tag to Angle who goes RIGHT back into the side headlock.
“Holdspot… The Match!” – Me
“..there’s still wrestling?” – Dani
Angle throws Carlito to the ropes and then a fireman’s carry takedown to the side headlock. Sweet little combo there. Carlito gets to his feet, and then sends Angle to the corner… he charges him and gets a boot. A tag to Michaels and chops from the man and Carlito bails to tag in Masters.
Michaels holds Masters into an armlock and tag into Angle who goes RIGHT into the armbar again… it’s a LOT of holding in this match.. why.. we don’t know.
Finally Masters powers his way out of the armbar and throws angle into the corner and hits some big fists… he tosses Angle into the corner and then eats a STIFF boot to the face, followed up with a european uppercut, and now Angle tosses Masters.. and hits his very nice powerslam.
Masters gets up, but only in time for Angle to throw the belly to back out of nowhere! Masters falls into the corner and as Angle tries to charge in for the spear… Masters MOVES and Angle hits the pole HARD to fall out of the ring. Shawn goes and gets slugged randomly by Carlito to the outside annnnnnndddd…
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring… Angle throws the belly to back to Carlito, but Carlito lands on his feet! Nice! CCC kicks Angle, but Angle runs in and hits the belly to belly… OUCH! NICE! WHOOOO Somehow this got interesting.
Crawl tag to both men and Michaels runs in and chops down Masters… flying cross body… atomic drop… clothesline to Masters.. Carlito.. Masters… tosses Carlito out of the ring… bodyslam to Masters and up to the top he goes! Hits the elbow!
Here comes the Jesus Kick!
J … E … S … U … S … C–arlito pulls his leg and wraps it around the pole.
“And the band comes to a screaching halt” – Joey Styles
Masters tags in Carlito to a ‘That’s not Cool’ chant.
“..no .. that was cool” – Chris
“It was a cool chant..” – Me
Carlito gets a tag in and gets a chinlock.. a dropkick.. and Michaels is bleeding – right back into the headlock and now Michaels fights his way up…. but eats the Carlito-Backbreaker instead.
Carlito goes for the reverse ddt, but Michaels hits a backbody drop… and as Michaels is going for the tag.. Angle goes and changes corners.. OOOooo sneaky! In comes the tag to Masters, and the press slam drops Michaels down hard.
FUN FACT – It was Chris Masters Birthday last night.. he was 23.
In the corner Kurt Angle is picking his nails, and as Masters slips Michaels into the Masterlock.. Shawn DROPS and kicks him. Now Shawn crawls back to Angle.. and AGAIN Angle leaves to talk to Akbar! Shawn is through with this and grabs Angle and hits him a few times .. then hits the Superkick RIGHT into Masters who grabs the Masterlock.
As Angle goes out… Michaels waves g’night to Angle and leaves. Akbar stops Shawn on his way out… and WHAM Superkick…
That was a trap.
In the ring… Angle is out.
“Happy birthday Masters.. it’ll never happen again.” – Hernandez
WINNER: CHRIS MASTERS & CARLITO
COMMERCIAL
In the back… Vince wants to talk to Shawn. Vince comments how bloodied up Shawn is… and says how Shawn leaving the ring is classic backstabbing of Shawn… next week though is the bumper match between Kurt and Shawn. I can deal with that.
So we get a quick photo show of Show vs. Trips
“God I love that ‘stach” – Roommate Randy
And there is Trips in the back.
“Last night – the man who said they couldn’t be beaten.. John Cena.. was beaten. Then a man who wasn’t even in the picture.. Edge won it.. it’s goin crazy around here. Let me tell you one thing Todd…”
“Get me coffee” – Hernandez
Trips then goes and throws his hat in the ring for the Royal Rumble.
Now in the back… Candice, Torrie, and Victoria are getting the bed ready for Edge’s live sex bit.
Now an exclusive from last night, Edge is on his way out – and cheering happily about winning it. Announcing his hot torrid sex in the ring tonight.
“Wait wait.. that’s what’s going on… that’s sooo retarded.. but here I am…. watching every sad frame of it” – Roommate Randy
COMMERCIAL
So while my roommate and friends discuss the Shield.. we get a quick shot of Stacy on ‘Dancing With The Stars’.
“OOooo Brokeback Keibler” – Roommate Randy
So now comes Shelton with Mama…
“That’s his girlfriend?” – Randy
“I think he can pull back better tail…” – Chris
“So she’s got a little junk in the trunk…” – Randy
“Yes as long as it’s not exentuated by…” – Chris
“A junkyard in the middle” – Me
So here comes Val Venis. HELLLOOOO LAAADIESSSS….
SHELTON vs. VAL VENIS
The Harry Twatter Match…
Shelton fights Val right into the corner and Val throws him right out – and Shelton hides beyond his mom and rolls on in. As Val climbs back in Shelty kicks him HARD. Shelton slams down Val, tosses him to the ropes and hits him in the back.
Puts Val into a chinlock. They move to fisticuffs in the midsts in the ring, and Val gets ahead with the chops and drops Shelton a few times. A nice half-nelson slam, he tosses Shelton, but gets dropped….
They get to their feet, and Shelton goes for the kick. Val then ducks the enzuiguiri… then MISSES the money shot! Shelton rolls up for a two count. Shelton throws Val to the corner, and Shelton goes for the splash, but Val moves.. .then Val pulls him down for a roll up and two.
They lock up and Val fights out of it, but as he backs up… Mama hits Val with the knitting needles and Shelty hits the T-Bone for the win.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
Here comes KAAAAAaaaaannneeeeee in his Royal Rumble Qualifying match versus Snitsky.
GENE SNITSKY vs. KANE
Snitsky charges at Kane… boots Kane down and the man sits up.
“Hey.. wait.. it’s TOTALLY his fault this time” – Eric
Kane charges in, sideslams Gene down. Gets the chokeslam…. and That. Is. That.
WINNER: KANE
Kane grabs the mic…
“That was just the first casualty on my path to Wrestlemania… 29 more await me at the Royal Rumble. 29 victims.”
In the back, the limo appears and it’s Edge, of course.
“Are they gonna wear the full body condoms from Naked Gun” – Hernandez
Lita charges at him with a big kiss and to the ring they go…
COMMERCIAL
A bed in the ring.. and Lillian standing right in front of it. Sadly, this is the only good thing about to happen… I promise you.
Now here comes EDGE!
“My name is Adam Copeland…” – Chris
So here he comes.. Lita in a nicer lookin outfit.. and Edge (with my favorite theme music of the day.. now that Christian is gone.)
Edge grabs the mic..
“Smells like fish in here” – Bill
“The Champ Is Hereeeee” – Edge
“Wait.. Stevie Richards is going to come out.. isn’t he?” – Randy
“The Champ is Heeereeee. The funny thing is, none of you people saw it coming. All of you people that would like to predict this kind of thing.. never saw it coming.” – Edge
“As a note.. on the Inside Pulse Forums, they kinda figured it out.. I still was excited..” – Me
“I miss the Conquistadors..” – Randy
Edge goes over and does in fact mention our favorite bit.. bullet proof glass.
“He bought into the hype..” – Eric
“You don’t have to be the biggest.. the strongest.. or the toughest. You do have to be the smartest. I saw my opportunity with my lovely lady Lita… I saw what I wanted, and like a thief in the night… I took everything I wanted..”
“Where’s the Matt Hardy music?” – Me
“Last night I took the WWE Championship… My name looks so good on that bad boy, but before we move on let me reminisce about some of my prior accomplishments..”
We get a video package… and I’m a sucker for video packages. And everyone notes that they edit Christian RIGHT OUT of Edge’s life…. interesting, no?
“After seeing the video package.. I have to say.. I am awesome! So now I think I should have some sex. We abstained.”
“Eight minutes left?” – Eric
“He’s quick..” – Bill
So the lights go down… Edge takes off his motorcycle boots..
“He takes his shoes off just like us…” – Chris
Socks…. then takes off Lita’s boots… and even the commentators make the Snitsky joke. He unzips her top… Edge has his jacket and shirt removed….
“I feel dirty” – Dani
“FIVE MINUTES!” – Bill
Then after they remove her skirt.. she’s wearing a lil garter and fishnet number.. not bad actually.. then as she takes off his pants…
“HE’S WEARING THE SAME THING!” – Me
“He’s halfway there! Red Rocket! Spear her!” – Bill
So Edge pushes her over the bed.. grabs some hair… and unlatches the bra…. under the sheets they go… WHEN WILL THIS END?!?!?!?
They lie on top of each other.. and we see ‘Underwear’ get thrown.. and we go to black screen…. and Edge comes back with panties..
“Those are his own” – Randy
“THREE MINUTES” – Bill
More under the sheets.. Lita goes under the sheets and Edge plays with the spinner belt.. and who interrupts.. thank god.. THANK FUCKIGN GOD
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“..i need a cigarette..” – Bill
“You are a disgrace to the WWE championship! It takes te-ye-fe-YEARS to reach that goal… tonight, you are not only a bad champion. YOu are dead in the bed.”
“Rhyming??” – Bill
“From last night.. he still has Lita’s musk….” – Hernandez
And Ric announces he’s coming for Lita… and charges down to the ring as Edge puts on his pants. Ric chops him down and Edge rolls out grabs a chair and KWANG! Right to Ric’s head.
“It’s not fair.. hitting an octogenerian with a chair…” – Randy
So Edge clears the table… puts a chair down.. Flair on the chair.. and a one man conchairto! Out through the audience is John Cena! They fight across the bed.. .and Edge bails.. leaving Cena in the ring with Lita.
“I think Cena should go for Shelton’s Mama…” – Randy
Lita hides under the covers…. Cena looks underneath…
“She’s just under there doign the ‘you can’t see me’ bit” – Bill
He removes the sheet and she’s wearing a t-shirt…
“And there goes her neck…” – Bill
“I thought he was going to carry her off… that would have been cool” – Chris
“Then climb a building… swat at some pains..” – Bill
Wow..
That was..
A… err..
Train Wreck… What did the Rabble Think?
“Nyeh” – Dani
“I like Triple H’s chops.. the highlight of the show” – Randy
“Woooooo” – Bill
“..whatever..” – Chris
“I’m looking forward to the Rumble” – Hernandez
“Eh…” – Jenna
“They need more Rumble angles…” – Eric
“..and… more Cowbell…” – Me
So yeah… as you see.. we all agreed. We’re all quite happy with how that went… and when I say that, it is a completely ironic fashion.
