Bought it on the phone
Now you’re home alone
It’s a piece of crap
Neil Young, “Piece of Crap”
In 2001, Warner Brothers gave us a cartoon that brought together the “big guns” of the DC Universe. ‘Justice League’ proved to be a big success, and with the third season of ‘Justice League Unlimited’ under way, there seems to be no stopping the DC cartoon machine.
But suppose that Warner had decided to use more elements from the infamous Giffen/DeMatteis/Maguire version of the Justice League. Suppose that the “Big Three” of Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman were nowhere to be seen. And what if they decided to make a live action series, instead of a cartoon. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the unaired pilot for ‘Justice League of America’.
Now to be fair to the pilot, they were probably not allowed to use Batman because Joel Schumacher was still busy killing the movie franchise and the animated series was still going strong, and ‘Lois and Clark’ was just wrapping up it’s four-year run, so Superman was verboten as well. Wonder Woman? I suppose the concept of a woman leading a team of superheroes was too “extreme” for network executives to handle. So instead of this:
we instead got something more akin to this:
but without the “bwa-ha-ha” element, and sadly, none of this:
Which really has nothing to do with anything, but I just wanted to show Batman clocking Guy Gardner.
Anyways, here’s the basic story: A villain called the Weather Man (career That Guy Miguel Ferrer) is trying to destroy New Metro City by (what else) toying with the weather. And opposing him are a group of rookie heroes:
Green Lantern – Guy Gardner, a software salesman and a real hit with the ladies. In other words, nothing like the Guy in the comics.
The Flash – Barry Allen, who is again dark haired but has no ties to the John Wesley Shipp series. In this series, he’s unemployed, and apparently a New Yorker.
Fire – B.B. Da Costa, aspiring actress who gets hit on by young guys.
The Atom – Ray Palmer, a high school science teacher with the worst costume of the bunch (and when you see these costumes, that’s saying something).
The idea here is that the story is the “origin” of Ice, a research assistant named Tori, with interviews and “flashbacks” to how it all started. And of course these interviews have the heroes in their civilian identities, which seems to run counter to the general nature of secret identities and such. All the heroes have real jobs, and one would suppose that had this been picked up, they would have focused on how the heroes managed to balance their “normal” lives with that of a superhero.
Tori gains her powers through the requisite lab accident, and remains in denial of them throughout most of the movie. Even a (mental) visit by the Justice League’s mentor, J’onn J’onzz, isn’t enough to convince her of her new abilities. J’onn, by the way, was played by (Molson) muscled “hunk” David Odgen Stiers, so it shouldn’t surprise you that he stayed pretty much immobile during his 2 minutes on screen.
Of course, with this being the pilot, Weather Man is defeated and Tori becomes the newest member of the Justice League, ready to fight crime and take orders from a green guy who doesn’t move.
In the end, it wasn’t all that surprising that the pilot wasn’t picked up. As for the main actors… well, I’m sure that they’ve been in a lot of failed pilots, but you may recognize some of the names and faces:
– John Kassir played The Atom, and is best known as the voices of the Crypt Keeper on ‘Tales From the Crypt’ and Buster Bunny in ‘Tiny Toon Adventures’. He does mostly voice acting these days – he voices Deadpool in the “X-Men Legends II” game. And for you Buffyverse fans, he’s married to Julie “Darla” Benz.
– Michelle Hurd played Fire, and if the face looks somewhat familiar, it may be because she later played Detective Monique Jeffries in the first season of that lighthearted comedy, ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’.
– Kim Oja played Ice, and her major role after this appears to have been in the Howard Stern series ‘Son of the Beach’, which I remember Stern plugging nonstop on his show.
– Guy Gardner was played by Matthew Settle, who hasn’t had a starring role since.
– The Flash was played by Kenny Johnston, who has a thinner resume than Settle.
– A more familiar face than any of these five came in a presumably one-time role – David Krumholtz plays the young guy who hits on B.B. in this turd of a telemovie. Yep, that’s Charlie Eppes, or Mr. Universe from “Serenity” for you Browncoats out there.
So, you’ve read all of this, and you STILL want to see what it’s all about? Best bet to get this on VHS or DVD would be to go to a local comic or tv/movie convention and see if the dealers have it. I’d gotten mine at the Motor City Comicon a while back, and when I went to a Dallas convention last year, they had it on DVD. Another option is eBay, but I’m not sure just how readily available it is. I’m sure dealers would find it more profitable just to bootleg Japanese shows.
What I Watched:
Thursday:
‘CSI: Crime Scene Investigation’ (CBS, CTV)
‘My Name is Earl’ (NBC, Global) – For those of you who can’t get enough of Nadine Velasquez, here’s a link to her Maxim pictoral. Oh, and TVGuide.com’s “Watercooler” offered this translation of Catalina’s “insult”:
I want to thank the Latino public that joins us each week, and to those of you who aren’t Latinos, I congratulate you on learning another language.
Seems like the writers have taken lessons from ‘Arrested Development’ in putting subtle things into their product.
‘The Office’ (NBC, Global) – Hey, Rob Riggle gets work!! And gee, I wonder where the writers got the idea for a “booze cruise” from…
…by the way, a 7.0/10 for ‘Earl’ and 5.5/8 for ‘The Office’. Not too much different from their Tuesday ratings, so good on them.
‘Saturday Night Poker – Poker Superstars II’ (Sportsnet) – I kept flipping to this for one reason – Scotty Nguyen and the best example of an Asian mullet that you’ll ever find.
Friday:
‘Numb3rs’ – Nice to see someone besides Charlie or Don get some female attention. Truth be told though, we still know less about David than we do about Colby – and Colby’s only a recurring character.
Saturday:
‘$40 a Day’ (Food Network Canada)
‘Iron Chef’ (Food Network Canada)
‘UFC Unleashed’ (Spike)
‘TNA Impace’ (Spike)
We had rented The 40-Year Old Virgin, so we ended up watching that. Very funny stuff, especially the waxing scenes.
Sunday:
‘Cold Case’ (CBS, CTV) – A sure sign that I watched way too much TV when I was younger. Christine Elise has a guest appearance here and I go “Hey, it’s Emily Valentine“
‘Distraction’ (Comedy)
‘Grey’s Anatomy’ (ABC, CTV) – If the storyline isn’t about a relationship between an Asian woman and a Black man, and this show isn’t on a major network, does Sandra Oh get a Golden Globe nomination for “Best Supporting Actress, TV”?
Personally, I don’t think that she does. I’m sorry, but there hasn’t been anything outstanding about Oh’s performance on the show so far, and certainly nothing that would cause me to give her a nomination over, say Jessica Walter (‘Arrested Development’) or even Carolyn Kepcher (‘The Apprentice’). Not that I think Carolyn deserves a Golden Globe, but she certainly does over Oh.
Monday:
‘World Series of Poker 2005 – Pot Limit Omaha’ (TSN)
‘NBA Basketball: Raptors vs Bulls’ (Sportsnet)
‘CSI: Miami’ (CBS, CTV) – Delko’s sister is hot.
Tuesday:
‘Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels’ (Food Network Canada)
‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’ (NBC, CTV)
Wednesday:
‘Lost’ (ABC, CTV) – You know, the reveal of what the “thing” was… crap. I’m sorry, but there’s no other way to put it. Mr. Eko’s story and Charlie’s reveal don’t quite make up for it.
‘CSI: New York’ (CBS, CTV)
Bits and Pieces
– I have to admit that I watched a bit of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ because Stacy Keibler was on it, but doesn’t it seem kinda weird to have a Flygirl on the panel critiquing ballroom dancing? I mean, that’s like having Paula Abdul critique singers… oh, right. Nevermind.
– In February, ‘Survivor’ heads back to the Panama for the third time for ‘Survivor Panama: Exile Island’. And while I’m sure we’re gonna have a feature on it here on Inside Pulse, you can see a list of the sixteen competitors over on Zap2It.com.
– Well, I started with some DC heroes, and it’s fitting that I end this week’s column with DC heroes. WB has cast Will Toale as Arthur Curry for it’s ‘Aquaman’ pilot. Zap2It.com and AquamanTV both have this news on the poor man’s Sub Mariner. But on the positive side, it can’t possibly be as bad as ‘Justice League of America’.
That’s it for this week.
