On February 10, The Bootleg column will come to an end after a three-year run, first on 411Mania and then here on Inside Pulse. And, I can’t think of any better way to say “thank you” to my readers than to offer up the biggest giveaway in Bootleg histo-ray. One lucky reader will win a brand-new Apple iPod! Details are at the bottom of The Goodness”¦along with info on a surprise SECOND prize for the lucky winner!
Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m a few weeks late in mentioning this, but on December 29, after more than seven years of SL2 servitude and 85,000 miles, my 1998 Saturn was part of a four-cylinder slave trade(-in) for a brand-new car.
As you can imagine, from 1998 to 2006, there have been a lot of extra bells and whistles that improved upon my old car’s bones n’ gristle approach.
Cars now have power windows (pronounced “POW-urr”), which roll up and down at the same speed as the ol’ manual crank, but with the convenience of the car needing to be ON in order for them to, y’know”¦work. Also, car ashtrays are seemingly obsolete these days. And, where has technology flicked those carcinogenic sticks of death and all the flames they fan when disposed of improperly?
For those scoring at home, the answer is “outside”. And, I think we can all agree that random brush fires are infinitely easier to contain than those ubiquitous centimeter-in-circumference holes that lit cigarettes can create in a car’s seat.
Ah, but for the next five weeks, this is still a music column. (Yeah, I know, I know”¦but, the occasional insincere admission keeps The 8 Editors of Oa off my ass.) And, without a doubt, the greatest new car feature of them all is the nine months of no-cost Sirius Satellite Radio that came free with the “pretentious package”.
Easily the greatest invention in all of our lifetimes and I’ve had honey-mustard dipping sauce, mister.
Current pre-programmed, uh, programming includes “Backspin”, their version of old school non-stop Hip Hop. Lots and lots of ’80 goodness, but a couple of points for any of their program directors: Run-DMC doesn’t have to played eight times an hour and when did anything from 1996 get consideration as “old school”?
Then, there’s “Shade 45”, which covers the current rap landscape and carries Eminem’s seal of approval. Your usual 50-60% unlistenable fare is found here and damned if I didn’t stumble across an inane morning show the other day, where listeners won prizes for answering questions about Marvin Gaye and Jim Morrison. On a “hardcore” Hip Hop station. Not many prizes being given out on that day.
Best of all, everyone gets to cuss. The DJs and the records they play, Howard Stern, hell, even the traffic station”¦“Them roads is jammed like a d*ck in yo'”¦”“¦well, you get the idea. And it’s all just as unnecessarily plentiful and gratuitous as the bad words (well, word) bandied about on The Boondocks.
What? Oh, right”¦I need an African-American entertainment reference that white folk actually watch. Y’all still buying those Chappelle Show DVDs? You know there are two of them. OK, I completely forgot where I was going with this.
Remember the Goodness”¦
The “Hip Hop Police” Strike Again!
Earlier this week, Roc-A-Fella recording artist Beanie Sigel was found guilty of misdemeanor assault. The conviction stemmed from a January 2003 altercation with a 53-year-old man named Wendell Mathis whom Sigel reportedly punched in the face after Beans called Mathis’ female acquaintance a “ho”.
Mathis suffered a broken left eye socket, while Sigel got off with two years probation and no jail time. So, let’s recap”¦Sigel insults some woman”¦then, breaks her man’s face”¦then, gets a slap on the wrist? I’m sorry, but I’m willing to bet that even Mathan can’t find a way to defend this.
Mathan!
Although, I do admit that I’m curious as to where on earth a grimy rapper, like Beans, can be found at the same place and at the same time as a man in his early-to-mid 50s, much less close enough to punch him. Let’s just hope that none of this occurred”¦in the club.
Speaking as a recent retiree of the regular evening scene, I can tell you there is no sadder sight than recently divorced, middle-aged African Americans at any after-hours spot. They’re not hard to spot, either, as their shiny white “church shoes” serve as rhythmic beacons in the event that the club owners kick on those superfluous dance floor fog machines.
In addition, their top 10-12 shirt buttons are always undone, with a corduroy Samuel L. Jackson hat (flipped to the back) to top off the ensemble. Y’know, come to think of it, these last few sentences describe Sam Jackson to a “T”, these days.
Will they ever find a cure for Formula 51? Well, I guess they did!
Remember, I’m The Man (You’re The Man!)
Last Saturday, pop-star Pink married her beau of four years, Carey Hart, at a small ceremony in Costa Rica. The pair met at the X Games back in 2001, as Hart, 30, is a professional motocross racer. A 30-year-old motocross racer? Yeah, you enjoy that extreme knee & hip replacement surgery in three years, Carey.
Hell, with that résumé, I’m surprised he even got permission from his mom to stay out late enough to get married, much less”¦in Hart’s words”¦”go fly-fly” to Costa Rica. Oh, I’m kidding”¦hey, it must be real work if you’re competing with 15 and 16-year-olds”¦kind of like “motocross” meets “all the applications for assistant manager at McDonald’s”.
Actually, in all seriousness, Carey Hart knows what he wants:
“We wanted it very fun and non-traditional. We’re spiritual, but we’re not religious.”
“Spiritual, but not religious”?”¦see, Carey, they call that “voodoo”. Although, that does explain away about 80% of Pink’s inexplicable success, so far. My favorite part of this story is that it was Pink who proposed to Hart last summer. For those of you still confused, Pink’s is ostensibly the woman in this relationship.
Now, personally, I think her man’s abject lack of testicles would offer him an unfair advantage, as the seats of most motocross bikes do batter a man’s balls.
But, then again, that never seemed to stop the asexual cyclist on the old Excitebike game.
“C’mon, Snipers”¦Where Are You?!”
Ever since Janet Jackson’s naked, veiny boob made its Super Bowl debut, the NFL and its broadcast affiliates have gone out of their way to ensure (heh) that the oldest, whitest and most non-threatening acts grace viewers around the globe at the Super Bowl Halftime show.
Last year, Sir Paul McCartney dusted off his milquetoast style and sanctimonious sound for the fifteen minute intermission, while this year, The Rolling Stones corpse their way into Detroit’s Ford Field for the big event. But, alas”¦there’s controversy afoot! (And, I don’t mean gout“¦)
Y’see, as part of these annually contrived concerts, the NFL plants a few thousand “fans” up front, right next to the stage and always on camera. Their sole roles are to dance (badly), look young and manufacture a multi-racial 6-to-16 demographic that doesn’t exist.
Well, The Stones have more of an octogenarian appeal, so imagine the stewed prunes-like shock to their collective systems (the parts their strokes didn’t get to first) when the NFL informed ticket holders that they’d have to be 45 years of age or under to get admitted on field and/or stand adjacent to the stage.
The League actually cited “insurance liabilities” as their explanation, before backing down at the behest of The Stones, themselves.
So, we’ve got a field full of un-chaperoned senior citizens”¦in the heart of downtown Detroit”¦at night. And, they’re almost all white? Could someone please tell ABC to keep their cameras on these geezers after the game?
The sight of 2,000 senior citizens crossing the street, simultaneously, to avoid “the Black people” can’t only be comedy to me.
I Ain’t Sayin’ She a Gold Digger”¦
We’re only a month away from Valentine’s Day and two of music’s biggest names have already gotten a head start on the Hallmark-made holiday.
First up is Anthony Kiedis”¦now it only seems like it’s been 19 years since Red Hot Chili Peppers were relevant, but Kiedis, 43 (seriously, that’s his real age) is celebrating the occasion with his new 19-year-old slice of ass, by the name of Jessica Stam.
She’s apparently a model (aren’t they all at that age?) with H&M and Versace on her résumé, along with a brief fling with Harrison Ford(‘s son) on her line of credit with MasterCard’s StarF*ck Rewards Program.
Meanwhile, Usher, who inherited the crown of Michael Jackson’s mini-me from Alfonso Ribeiro (who reigned from 1982 to about 20 minutes ago) has hooked up with his stylist, Tameka Foster-Brown.
Wait a minute”¦is that a hyphen? Those of you around in 1992, might remember that brief six-week stretch when married women employed the “hyphen” in a Murphy Brown-powered attempt to maintain their “womaninity”. Ironically enough, you can’t spell “hear me roar”, without “H-O”, as ol’ Tameka has reportedly left her husband and three kids to kick it with Usher down in the Caribbean (Cool).
Now, I don’t wanna say that we all should’ve seen this coming, but I’m told that, as Usher’s stylist, Tameka was always available at his scheduled appointment time. (Trust me, it’s funny”¦have your Black friends Black friend explain it to you.)
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
About a year ago, The Bootleg took a look at the phenomenon of Black comedians who successfully crossover, only to be eventually rejected by the same suburban audiences who embraced them in the first place.
Most recently, there was Chris Rock, who rode “the big piece of chicken” and a side of “tossed salad” from the stand-up circuit into superstardom. Which, of course, led to a cinematic assault on audiences (Head of State, Pootie Tang and The Movie He Did with Anthony Hopkins) that dropped Rock’s stock so far, I’m told the final season of In Living Color wouldn’t have taken him back.
All of which is my long-winded way of wondering if the same standards apply for white crossover comedians?
From “the news I was better off not knowing” dept: Canadian comic Tom Green released a rap album earlier this month. Well, now, ain’t that the apocalypse? And recently, while shooting”¦aw, c’mon”¦a video(?) in Las Vegas, Green crossed paths with former Geto Boys mascot Bushwick Bill, who just happened to be at the exact same Fatburger restaurant where the filming was going down.
And, Bill even took time out from his gig as the urinal mint dispenser, to listen to some of Green’s work and offer up his support. OK”¦I just can’t type any more on this. All I ask is that if Bushwick Bill is offering up music industry advice, then Tom Green should use his movie pull (chuckle) to line up the sequel to Bill’s last role.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
2005 was a pretty decent year for Hip Hop albums, although the genre as a whole didn’t look so great. Many of my favorite albums from last year flew under the Soundscan radar. The year really started off great and was pretty solid but, surprisingly bombed once the summer ended. Yeah there are a few discs I didn’t pick up that could be listed but hey, there’s only so much room.
So about 3 weeks too late, here’s my 2005 top 10.
Little Brother…The Minstrel Show
Hands down the disc of the year. Lyrics, beats, originality. concepts. What else do you want?
Common”¦Be
Pretty close to perfection on this short album, as there wasn’t much I didn’t like about it save for one song.
Sean Price”¦Monkey Barz
Sean P’s first solo effort was solid after an eternity away from the game since the last Heltah Skeltah album.
Kanye West”¦Late Registration
A great follow up to a great debut, personality aside. He major.
The Game”¦The Documentary
Behind all the drama, bullsh*t with his label and multiple references to other rappers on this disc, there’s a pretty skilled rapper in there somewhere. Let’s hope his next disc shows it more.
Beanie Sigel”¦The B Coming
Beans dropped a quality album while locked up and Rocafella, as we knew it, was crumbling and still came strong.
Danger Doom”¦The Mouse and the Mask
MF Doom and Dangermouse combined to bring a short, TV-tie in album. I appreciated the Hip Hop, not so much the cartoons. But hey that’s just me.
Buckshot & 9th Wonder”¦Chemistry
Maybe too much hype, maybe recorded in too little time. Chemistry wasn’t as bangin as everyone hoped it would be, but still one of the better releases.
AZ”¦AWOL
If for no other reasons, get it to hear The Come Up produced by Premier and The Magic Hour featuring CL Smooth. Decidedly old school. Warning: You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the rest of the disc, too.
Wildcard
As for the 10th and final slot, I really liked certain songs from Young Jeezy, Julez Santana, Sheek Louch and Memphis Bleek, just not their whole albums. So I’m taking the low road and lumping all four together. I mean they are pretty similar, no?
DVD Extras:
The Notorious BIG”¦Duets
I got BIG’s Duets disc the day it dropped. I had previously heard the song with Bob Marley and thought it was OK, although the beat sounds awfully similar to the one from Runnin’ (Dyin to Live). I liked the beat and the verses from BIG and Pun on Get Your Grind On. That’s about it. Being what Aaron J calls a “BIG completionist”, I already have every BIG track, freestyle, etc. known to man, so I knew I wasn’t getting anything new, and didn’t expect much. However, nothing could have prepared me for how awful this disc was. I can’t in good conscience give this CD a full-length review as it’s so terrible, and I don’t bother trashing CDs in reviews. It’s not BIG’s fault, he was a talented dude who is sorely missed. But enough is enough.
What it did make me do is think about what in the hell is going on in Hip Hop. It can’t be good for Hip Hop if people (including me) were pining for another album from BIG, KNOWING that there is nothing new on the album. Sadly, he’s been gone for almost nine years. I know it’s been written about, but two of Hip Hop’s biggest and most talented stars were killed within six months of each other. I don’t think Hip Hop has ever recovered from it and maybe rightfully so.
Not only did they die at the peak of their career (and BIG was still on the rise) but the murders are still unsolved, leaving no sense of closure. BIG and Pac should be remembered and people should still bang their music. But Hip Hop should really move on. I don’t mean move on in the “record label way” which is to find the “next” BIG and Pac, just move on period. Their record labels have been able to draw blood from a stone more than anyone thought. That’s not a good thing. Enough already. Let them rest in peace.
That being said, it’s not my intention to leave people with a bad taste in their mouths…there are plenty of young artists out there waiting to blow up. There’s one out there I really hope gets that chance:
Papoose
Papoose has been bubbling for around a year or so on Kay Slay’s Streetsweepers mixtape series. His mixtapes are surprisingly free of the Drama King screaming over them. Pap is lyrical, has a sick flow (he sounds like he could literally rap forever) is creative and innovative as far as the topics and concepts he picks on many of his songs. It’s not all the same money, cash, hoes sh*t over and over again. I only fear that record labels won’t know what to do with him and he repeatedly states he’s not compromising himself to sign a deal and make records someone else wants. Not since 50 Cent in 2002 has someone blazed the mixtape circuit quite like this.
Menace to Society Part II
The latest mixtape to drop from Papoose is pretty nice. It’s actually sad that it has more of a theme and concept than most commercial albums out there. In addition it’s also BETTER than most albums that are out there right now. I won’t spoil it for you but the concept of the title track is some pretty creative sh*t. Some of the tracks are Pap rapping over recognizable beats from other artists but the guy instantly makes them his own. Raised with Them Gangstas featuring the LOX, Black Rob and McGruff will take you back and forward at the same time. Street Rules is pretty hot and features a BIG sample that the track listing does NOT conjure into a “featuring the Notorious BIG”. The Beast featuring Talib Kweli also appeared on Kweli’s own mixtape but has a thumping beat to go with both artists’ slick verses.
Unfinished Business”¦The Best of Papoose
For those who haven’t heard much from him, this is a pretty decent mix of the slew of songs from the underground mixtape “albums” he dropped last year and will bring you up to speed pretty fast. He shows “yall how to rap over a James Brown sample” on Born in NYC, talks real about Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath on Mother Nature, raps from the view of he Hip Hop police on the hit Sharades and absolutely kills the mic on Monopoly, Chess and Black Girl Lost 2005. Unfinished Business boasts collaborations with almost EVERYONE including Prodigy, Mike Jones, Ghostface, Nas and will force emcees to step up all facets of their game in 2006.
General Haberdashery
Dammit, we’ve got four more Bootlegs after this week. Someone should tell my IP peers if they wanna get mentioned in the obligatory “giving thanks” segment in my last column, they’d better make with the columns. We don’t reward “sloth” here, kids”¦didn’t you see Seven?
Mathan has an”¦uh, interesting column up. Hey, for kicks, read it while replacing “Cameron Giles” with “Aaron Cameron” and replace “Mason Betha” with “Nick Salemi”. Then, replace, “Horse & Carriage” with “Bootleg” and replace “NYC” with “Sheboygan, Wisconsin”. BTW, I thought Tupac was the first cat to turn beef into a marketing gimmick and not 50 Cent? Sorry, I’m rambling”¦but, what do you expect when Math reveals the one song that got his 6’5″ 159 lb. frame on the dance floor? Craig David can step!
Open Mike returns with some plates of beef. It’s Hip Hop feuds that you probably didn’t know about in this edition of the Freakloud. Sadly, he doesn’t cover Lil’ Kim vs. Foxy Brown or Dr. Dre vs. Jermaine Dupri. Well, maybe in his next column”¦scheduled to drop, by the way, this May.
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. Updates! Joe skewers the Critics’ Choice Awards, including shots at host Dennis Miller and overrated flicks March of the Penguins and Crash. Find out again, why Joe’s the only Movie Guy we endorse on these pages”¦oh, and find out what he really looks like. Mrs. Bootleg says, “Vince Vaughn”. I don’t see it, but it’s late and I’m desperate for material.
And, look”¦Joe’s got the new stuff over at The Film Experience. He lays out the 25 Most Anticipated Movies in 2006. I can’t reprint the whole list here, but #21 is Running with Scissors, #14 is V for Vendetta, # 7 is The Prestige and, among the top FIVE, is a movie starring”¦The Rock?! I am not making this up. And, it’s NOT that movie he’s doing with Xzibit called The Gridiron Gang or, as I call it, Pimp My $8 Million Opening Weekend.
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. In a departure of sorts from his usual “I hate Desperate Housewives, but I can’t stop watching it every week”¦twice” approach, Math explores the criminal underbelly of the animation industry. Next week, he’d better get to the bottom of Cartoon Network’s cancellation of Teen Titans and Justice League Unlimited. I’d type more, but I need to write my congressman.
Junk Mail
Just wanted to take a minute to thank all y’all for the emails and IMs this past week. I promise to get gushier when the final column comes, so stick around for that. In the meantime, let’s see if there’s any mail that doesn’t end with the words “”¦where the good Lord split you.”
Hold on, Cam. That was a joke, right? Tell me that the picture you ran (last week) wasn’t really Joe Reid? Wow. He is”¦uh, not a handsome man. Tell me he doesn’t look like Robson from “The Brotherhood” in Oz? I’m have no idea why this news is so disappointing to me.
Michael J.
HAW! How in God’s name did I miss the Robson reference?! “Joe Reid” does look like our favorite second-in-command skinhead (we would’ve also accepted “Starscream Nazi”). OK, OK”¦one more on “Joe”:
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THAT’S Joe Reid? Holy sh*t! I haven’t seen a gum-to-teeth ratio like that since “Corky” on “Life Goes On”. And, where in the hell did he find that shiny-ass tie to put over that $8 oxford shirt? Jesus, did he make the moves on Mrs. Bootleg or something? Seems like a cold, cold way to get even.
Eddie S.
Well, truth be told”¦the REAL Joe Reid isn’t the one whose picture ran in this space last week. Still, the fact that so many of my readers were so ready to rip into his appearance at the drop of a hat”¦makes me so damn proud. God bless all of you. Every one.
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You’ve giving away an iPod? Not that I doubt you, but is this one of those pieces of equipment that a brutha down at your barbershop sells you out of the back of his car? Or is Widro actually dipping into the petty cash fund to commemorate your going away party?
Kenny B.
Dammit, people”¦more than a few of you asked similar “where’s this alleged iPod coming from” questions. Answer: straight from the Apple website to YOUR home. And, yes, I’m paying for it with the magic of MasterCard. Christ, can’t I say THANK YOU for three years of loyal readership?! Can’t I?!
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GREAT review of the new Biggie album. It was easily the worst thing I’ve picked up in a long time and I’m glad that you showed no mercy. I hope that the end of The Goodness doesn’t mean you’ll stop doing CD reviews for the site. It’s not that I don’t like (IP writer and musical genre deleted) reviews, but I don’t.
Andy M.
Hey, hey, hey”¦no bashing of my peers, mister. Although, here’s something else we agree on, Andy”¦that B.I.G. Duets album was absolute ass. I can count the number of times that I was pissed off at myself for buying a bad album on one hand, but this was the first time since the days when a CD purchase was 10-20% of my paycheck.
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You asked for input from female readers on whether or not we say “boobies”? Well, I know that I do. But, I am coming from small town Middle America perspective. “Boobies” just sounds like something that goes with “soda pop” and “bubbler”.
Michelle F.
What the hell is a “bubbler”?
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Hey, Aaron”¦I’m one of your four female fans and I can honestly say that “titties” is our slang of choice for “breasts”. Aren’t you married? You’d think that you could just ask Mrs. Bootleg and I’m sure she’d tell you the same thing.
Katina A.
If the word “titties” ever came outta my wife’s mouth, I don’t think I’d ever wanna hear the word again. She’s already ruined words like “Oprah”, for me.
So, here’s the deal”¦one Bootleg reader will win an unopened, unused, brand spankin’ new iPod Nano. That’s 2GB, 500 songs, retail value $199. All you have to do is answer four questions, spread out over the next four weeks, relating to anything I’ve ever written in The Bootleg.
Continuing this week, I’m running a question in this space. Don’t send me the answer to this or any subsequent questions until all FOUR questions have been posted here! I don’t wanna hear from any of you until January 27, when the fourth n’ final question will appear.
On the 27th, you’ll all have a week to send in ALL the answers in ONE email. And, for kicks, each question will increase in “degree of difficulty” from week-to-week with one point assigned to week one’s question, two points for week two, etc.
The reader with the most points wins. Tiebreaker to be determined, if necessary. Inside Pulse writers ain’t eligible.
AND, I’m throwing in a limited-edition (cough) “I Read The Bootleg” T-Shirt to the winner, as well. Be the envy of no one, as our male model demonstrates, by telling everyone that you”¦read”¦me. Through the magic of our IP technology, the “read” sounds like present tense through February 10 and then changes to past tense (same spelling!) for every day, thereafter. On the back is one of my inappropriate quotes from an old column, which is guaranteed to offend. Yours will be different and less, um, “wordy”.
(Thanks to Widro, Matthew Michaels and their NY street corner connections for making my own T-Shirt a sweatshop reality”¦)
This week’s question”¦worth two points: Name TWO living Black actresses who WEREN’T mentioned in me and Joe Reid’s Black Actress Survivor feature.
Week One’s Question”¦worth one point: What’s Baby Bootleg’s REAL first name?
Warning: Bootleg T’s lead to receding hairlines that even visors can’t hide. Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
