PANERA YOU’RE NEXT
So a couple of weeks ago I think it was, I took Starbucks to task for what I perceived to be not only bad service, but bad and rude service. This week, I’ve got Panera for you.
Yesterday on the way home from the gym I stopped at the neighborhood Panaynay to get a loaf of bread. I get to the counter, and there’s some mid 40ish obese woman in what appears to be like some kind of shiny black snakeskin jacket ordering about 35 dollars worth of food for herself.
Except the majority of her conversation with the guy taking her order seemed to be taking place telepathically, because they both just kind of stood there in silence for what seemed to be about five minutes.
I’ve seen people who have just finished drinking a fifth of vodka talk and act with more coherence and verbal dexterity than these two.
Finally, the transaction with this fat woman dressed like Kip Winger concludes, and she’s standing there counting her change, or staring at her change would be a more apt description, and not getting out of my way.
Absent an invitation to step up in line, I just kind of shove her out of the way , and place my order for a loaf of multigrain bread. After fumbling around with the cash register for a good minute, the guy behind the counter asks me “is that for here or to go?” I’m just like, you’ve got to be kidding me. Yes, sir, fetch me my bib, I’m going to sit down and dine on a loaf of bread here tonight.
So when all was said and done it took me about 15 minutes to go in and by a loaf of bread despite the fact there was only me and one other customer in the whole restaurant when I walked in there. I swear everyone is on drugs.
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So how’s everybody doing? Good? Is 2006 being nice to you so far? I hope so. It’s been nice to the Redskins, Panthers, Patriots, and Steelers. Can any of these teams continue their run of success and advance to the conference championship games? Maybe, I’ll let you know in a little bit. But first, let’s take a look at some news from around the league.
*In the surprise of the week, Bills coach Mike Mullarkey resigned on Thursday. In doing so, Mullarkey is walking away from a contract that was due to pay him one meeeelion dollars a year for the next 3 years, and has absolutely shot to hell any chance he has of ever being a head coach in the NFL again. His wife must be pissed. But, you know what they say, bros before hos.
*The Packers are going to name Niners offensive coordinator Mike McCarthy as their new head coach. Who wouldn’t want their offense to play like the 49ers offense? Packer fans can only hope that their team will light up the scoreboard in 2006 the way Alex Smith, Ken Dorsey, Tim Rattay, Codey Pickett and company did in 2005.
Actually, McCarthy’s main qualification is that he was the O coordinator in New Orleans from 2000-2004, when the Saints were a pretty strong offensive team.
The guy who was the Saints’ quarterback for much of that time, Aaron Brooks, just happens to be available right now. You don’t think the Packers would sign him and nudge Brett Favre back towards Mississippi do you? Perhaps to NEW ORLEANS to return home to the Gulf Coast and save Pro Football in New Orleans and maybe New Orleans itself? Do you???? Probably won’t happen and that’s all conjecture pulled out of my own imagination, but it would be cool.
This hire seems to be constructed so that yeah maybe Brett Favre will be OK with it (McCarthy was GB’s quarterback coach in 1999, otherwise known in Northern Wisconsin as “The Ray Rhodes Year”), but if he isn’t that’s fine too. I’m thinking that the Packers QB in 06 will either be Favre, or Aaron Brooks.
Will Things Remain Lovey Dovey Between Brett and McCarthy?
*Tiki Barber is known for his thick, lush eyebrows. He raised some eyebrows following the Giants’ playoff loss to Panthers when he said, “I think in some ways we were outcoached”.
Said coach, Tom Coughlin, responded to Tiki’s comments by saying, “I was upset because in the true concept of team, it is not about pointing the finger. We are all in this together. We win or we lose as a team, and that is the way it shall remain. We don’t point fingers. We handle these stressful situations with class and distinction, or at least we try to. He said something, hopefully, he regretted. I didn’t want to see it. I saw it. We talked. We looked at some tape together. And it ended up as it always does: a unified situation.”
*With the hiring of former Eagles O Coordinator Brad Childress as their new head coach, the Vikings are expected to play the West Coast offense that Childress ran in Philly. It remains to be seen how that offense matches the skill set of big-armed QB Daunte Culpepper. The West Coast offense is predicated on quick drops and short passes, heavily utilizing the backs and tight ends.
*Steelers offensive line coach Russ Grimm is the front-runner for the Lions’ head coaching job. That would stand to reason since he and Matt Millen look like twins.
*ESPN reported this week that the Dolphins are interested in Bucs QB Chris Simms. Simms is a restricted free agent, which would require the Bucs to receive draft picks as compensation if he is signed, and coach Jon Gruden has stated he wants to bring back both Simms and Brian Griese next year.
*The Saints are conducting a two day interview with longtime Bill Parcells assistant and current Cleveland Browns offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon for their head coaching vacancy. Earlier this week, they interviewed recently ousted Rams coach Mike Martz.
*Kurt Warner will be back as the Cardinals starting QB at the start of next season, barring injury or rapture.
*Speculation is running rampant in New York that Patriots defensive coordinator Eric Mangini will be the Jets new head coach. Should this happen, it will lead to countless jokes about his last name made by me next season. In Italian, his name means “Manginas”.
*Carson Palmer had his surgery to install his bionic knee this week. The surgery was termed “successful”, which always strikes me as funny. When do you ever hear a surgery termed “unsuccessful”? What constitutes successful? That he eventually woke up? That they didn’t operate on the wrong knee? That there’s not a sponge left inside of him? What??
*Charlie Frye is just about certain to enter camp as the Browns’ starting QB next season.
*Jon Kitna’s pretty good performance in relief of Palmer in the Bengals loss last Sunday may net him a free agent contract with the Baltimore Ravens, where he will get a chance to be their starting QB.
*Jaguars WR Reggie Williams was arrested on Monday and charged with drug possession and driving with a suspended license. He is scheduled to have his right of habeus corpus waived and be shipped to a secret CIA gulag in Romania. Hey, we’re in WARTIME here people. A never ending war against evil people, who hate freedom. Absolutely hate it. And they hate ice cream too.
*Gary Kubiak is pretty much a done deal as the Texans new head coach. He’s been the longtime offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos.
He was said to do really well in the 2 hour portion of the interview that involved making extemporaneous excuses for David Carr. One of which was, “I know that we have a running back who was a 4th round draft pick who seems to run just fine behind our offensive line, but I’m telling you, our offensive line sucks! Terrible! Worst…line….ever!! Terrible every season since jump street in 2002! THAT is why David Carr is bad! Our GM didn’t make a mistake taking a QB from Fresno State as the first overall pick in the 02 draft! Nooooooo.”
In all fairness, it could have been worse, the next QB drafted after Carr that year was Joey Harrington. Eeew.
At Least He’s Not Joey Harrington
*Chargers GM AJ Smith stated this week that Philip Rivers will NOT be the QB to leave San Diego this off-season. “There won’t be any more talk about both of them being dangled,” Smith said. “One is here. The other – we’ll see how it goes with Drew (Brees)’s injury.”
* Herm Edwards, as expected, was named the new head coach of the Chiefs. Gunther Cunningham will remain as defensive coordinator, while offensive coordinator Al Saunders has been interviewing for head coaching positions.
*Speaking of Saunders, he is the leading candidate for the Raiders head coaching job. Saunders had another stint as a head coach in the NFL, a looooong time ago. He coached the Chargers in the 1987 and 88 seasons and compiled a 14-17 record.
Alright then, that does it for the goings on of the teams that are already in their offseason. Now we get to the good stuff.
NFL DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
(11-6) WASHINGTON REDSKINS AT
(13-3) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
SATURDAY, 4:30 PM Eastern, FOX (Dick Stockton, Daryl Johnston, Tony Siragusa)
THE MATCHUP
Like every other game this weekend, this game is a rematch of an encounter from earlier this season. Way back on October 2, the Redskins won their third straight game to open the 2005 season, topping the Seahawks 20-17 in Washington thanks to a Josh Brown field goal that clanged off the upright on the last play of regulation. That sent the game to overtime, where then-kicker Nick Novak won the game with a 39 yard field goal.
The Redskins did a decent job of containing NFL MVP Shaun Alexander in that game. He was held to only 98 yards on 20 carries. They also were phenomenally successful on 3rd down conversions, succeeding on 13 of 18 opportunities.
Since that game, the only blemish on Seattle’s record is a meaningless season ending loss by their JV to Green Bay.
The Redskins pulled out of a midseason slump to make the playoffs, and are currently on a six game winning streak. The biggest of those wins, obviously, came in last week’s Wildcard game against Tampa, where the Redskins somehow escaped with a 17-10 win despite generating only 120 yards of total offense.
RUNNING GAME
Both teams are strong in this area, but only one of them has the NFL MVP carrying the ball for them. I’ll let you guess which one.
The Seahawks have averaged 4.7 yards per carry this season. That’s due not only to Alexander’s skill but also to a stout offensive line that’s anchored by 80 time All Pro Walter Jones.
They’ll get a firm test from a Redskins defense that held Alexander in check in the first meeting between these teams. The Skins also shut down Cadillac Williams in last week’s win over the Bucs, holding the rookie to 49 yards on 18 carries.
Of course, Clinton Portis is no slouch either. He and Ladell Betts combined for 125 yards on 37 carries in the early season meeting. A repeat performance will be necessary if the Redskins have any hope of advancing. That won’t be easy against Seattle’s run defense, which is ranked third in the NFL.
ADVANTAGE- SEAHAWKS
PASSING GAME
We’ve got pretty much a dead heat in this area. When these teams last met, Hawks QB Matt Hasselbeck averaged 6.4 yards per attempt, while the Redskins’ Mark Brunell averaged 6.3 yards per attempt. The two put up virtually identical numbers in that game.
However, I’m going to have to give the slight edge to the Seahawks. The reason for that, ironically enough, is Shaun Alexander. Teams that face Seattle have to be so focused on stopping him, that it opens up opportunities for the passing game.
With a solid receiving corps led by Bobby Engram, Darrell Jackson, and Joe Jurevicius, the Seahawks just have more options than the Redskins do. The Hawks pass defense did rank 25th in the league this year though, so don’t be surprised if the Redskins have a bit of success throwing to Santana Moss and Chris Cooley.
ADVANTAGE- SEAHAWKS
VARIOUS AND SUNDRY
The Seahawks are 8-0 at home this year, so for them, having the homefield advantage throughout the playoffs is truly a huge advantage.
However, the Seahawks have the disadvantage of carrying the postseason monkey on their backs. They’ve been one and done in the postseason two years in a row, and one of those losses came at home last year.
They’ll be facing one of the best playoff coaches the league has ever known in Joe Gibbs. The Redskins also have the added advantage of knowing that they have bee playing what have been playoff games for them for the last 6 weeks, and they’ve won all 6 of them.
ADVANTAGE- REDSKINS
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
You can make a pretty good argument that with the offensive non-performance put forth last week, and the abundance of officiating breaks that went their way in that game, the Redskins are lucky to be here at all. They didn’t play well in beating the Bucs last week, and they’ll have to be 100% better this week or else they are going to get blown off the field.
I think they will play a better game, but it still is not going to be enough to go into Seattle and get a win. The Seahawks running game is just too strong, and will chew up too much of the clock, for the Redskins to execute their gameplan. They’ll have to play a perfect game to win this week, and it won’t happen.
SEAHAWKS 28, REDSKINS 17
Can D-Jack and the Hawks Catch an Elusive Playoff Win?
(11-6) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT
(13-3) DENVER BRONCOS
SATURDAY, 8:30 PM Eastern, CBS (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms, Bonnie Bernstein)
THE MATCHUP
When the Patriots take the field against the Broncos on Saturday Night, it will be a matchup of two franchises that combined have won 5 of the past 8 Super Bowls. Only one of them has a coach/quarterback combo that is 10-0 in postseason play though. That would be the Patriots, who haven’t lost a playoff game or Super Bowl since Bill Belichick and Tom Brady have been working together.
Not since that combo’s first Super Bowl run though, have they been faced with a task this daunting. The Broncos steamrolled through the regular season, and came out of the rugged AFC West with a 13-3 record. They are also undefeated at home this year.
One of those wins at Mile High came on Oct. 16, when the Broncos blitzed the Patriots with 3 second quarter touchdowns and held on for a 28-20 victory. The Broncos ran for 178 yards in that game, 68 of them coming on one carry by Tatum Bell. Rod Smith lit up the depleted New England secondary for 123 yards on six catches.
The Patriots, meanwhile, were without starting running back and noted loose cannon Corey Dillon for that game. That coupled with the Pats falling behind by 3 TDs forced Brady to chuck the ball up 46 times, something they hope to avoid doing this week.
RUNNING GAME
No contest here. The Broncos shredded the Patriots run defense in their first meeting. Granted, the Patriots were in disarray defensively at that time, and they’ve since tightened up all facets considerably, but the Broncos own this category against pretty much anyone. They rank 2nd in the NFL in rushing offense, and 2nd in the NFL in rushing defense.
As for the Patriots, Corey Dillon talked a lot leading up to last week’s game, then went out and averaged 2.4 yards a carry. This has to be considered a problem area for the Pats heading into this game.
ADVANTAGE- BRONCOS
PASSING GAME
It’s hard to give this to New England when you consider that only the 49ers had a lower ranked pass defense this season. That pass defense has shown great improvement towards the end of the season though. Last week they had 6 sacks against Jacksonville, and limited the Jaguars to a little over 5 yards per pass attempt.
They also have Tom Brady, and in a playoff game, that counts for everything. Brady was sacked 4 times last week, but still managed to complete three touchdown passes. An area of concern is that he only completed 5 passes to wide receivers in the win over the Jaguars. That coupled with the fact he was dumped 4 times tells me Mr. Fraud Insurance Monitoring and Mr. Bowdy Oh Doh better do a better job giving Brady time to throw this week than they did last week.
I give the edge in the passing game to New England based solely on the fact that their QB is 10-0 in playoff games.
ADVANTAGE- PATRIOTS
VARIOUS AND SUNDRY
Mile High is a bad place to have to win a playoff game, but in the playoffs, the Patriots don’t lose, anywhere. They carry a lot of mystique with them coming into this game. Whether mystique will stop the Broncos running game remains to be seen.
Denver, meanwhile, carries with it the reputation of sucking bad in the playoffs. They haven’t won a postseason game since John Elway was their quarterback and Monica Lewinsky was on the news every night. Hard as it is to believe, that was a LONG time ago.
ADVANTAGE- PATRIOTS
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
So, the Pats won two out of three categories, so that means they win, right? No, that is wrong.
The Broncos will win this game because they can run the ball, and the Patriots can’t. When the feature back throws a hissy fit when you suggest to him the running game hasn’t been up to snuff this year, like Corey Dillon did last week, you suspect the man doth protest too much and there really is a weakness there.
Tom Brady can’t work any magic standing on the sideline, and that’s where he’s going to be spending a lot of time if the Broncos run the ball in this game like they did against the Patriots earlier this year. The Broncos win, and we’ll have new champs this year.
BRONCOS 24, PATRIOTS 19
The Broncos Set Their Sights on the Pats
(12-5) PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT
(14-2) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
SUNDAY, 1 PM Eastern, CBS (Dick Enberg, Dan Dierdorf, Armen “Tanzarian” Ketyeian)
THE MATCHUP
What this game will hinge on, is whether the Steelers have improved significantly since Nov. 28, and whether the Colts have gotten significantly worse since Nov. 28. If both of those statements yield a “yes”, then MAYBE the Steelers have a chance in this game.
On that Monday Night, the Colts absolutely thumped the Steelers, 26-7, setting the tone with an 80 yard TD pass from Peyton Manning to Marvin Harrison on the Colts’ first play from scrimmage. The Colts’ defense completely stifled Pittsburgh’s offense. Willie Parker led the Steelers with only 43 yards rushing, and Ben Roethlisberger was sacked 3 times, picked off twice, and limited to only 133 passing yards.
Since then, the Colts have dealt with a lot, from the pressure of a possible undefeated season, to the senseless death of their head coach’s son. It really can’t be said that they are peaking right now. The Steelers, meanwhile, are playing their best football of the season. They’ve won 5 in a row, including a convincing 31-17 playoff win at Cincinnati last week.
RUNNING GAME
If you’re going by reputation, then the Steelers get the edge here. If you’re going by reality, they don’t. Their supposed feature back, Willie Parker, was held to only 2.4 yards a carry last week by a pretty suspect Bengals defense (20th in the NFL against the run). His ineffectiveness led to more carries for Jerome Bettis and Verron Haynes, both of whom ran with a great deal of success.
The Colts, meanwhile, know who their back is, and know he’s really, really good. Edgerrin James ran for 124 yards in the first meeting between these teams. He also ran for 1506 yards on the season and AVERAGED over 100 yards per game. The Steelers have given up only 3.4 yards per carry this year, but they’ll be dedicating a lot of resources towards stopping the Colts’ passing game.
ADVANTAGE- COLTS
PASSING GAME
Ben Roethlisberger’s good, as is Hines Ward and Antwaan Randle El, but they’re not Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, and Reggie Wayne. They just aren’t.
Now add in that the Colts pressured Ben relentlessly the first time these teams played, and that the deep ball he loves to throw won’t be readily available against a Cover 2 scheme that is designed to defend against the big play, and the Colts have a big advantage here.
ADVANTAGE- COLTS
VARIOUS AND SUNDRY
The Colts’ A Team hasn’t won a game in over a month. This team seemingly has been walking around in a funk for the last 4 weeks due to lack of purpose, and it will be interesting to see whether they will be able to flip the switch and be the Colts we saw in October and November again.
That contrasts starkly with the Steelers, who have been playing single elimination games every week while the Colts have been standing on the sidelines in baseball caps. We saw last week that there is something to be said for late season momentum. Bill Cowher has his team playing better than they have all year, they’re brimming with confidence, and they’re very dangerous.
ADVANTAGE- STEELERS
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
This game won’t be a blowout like what you saw back in November. The Colts are rusty, and the Steelers are a much better team than they were then.
If the Steelers came in to this game running the ball like they can when they are hitting on all cylinders, I would give the Steelers a great chance at pulling the upset. They’re not though. They have doubts about who will be able to carry the load in this game, and against a team as good as the Colts are, that’s enough to mean you lose.
COLTS 28, STEELERS 16
Have the Steelers Caught Up to the Colts Yet?
(12-5) CAROLINA PANTHERS AT
(11-5) CHICAGO BEARS
SUNDAY, 4:30 PM Eastern, FOX (Joe Buck, Troy Aikman, Pam Oliver)
THE MATCHUP
The Panthers had better hope that this game is NOTHING like the first time they went to Soldier Field this season. In a game that took place on Nov. 20, the Bears completely dominated the Panthers in a 13-3 victory.
The afternoon was especially nightmarish for Panthers QB Jake Delhomme. He was sacked eight times by the Bears, including 3 times by DE Adewale Ogunleye.
Lost in the Bears’ victory was a great performance by Panthers WR Steve Smith, who caught 14 passes for 169 yards in that game.
We do know at least one thing will be different about this game, and that will be the guy playing quarterback for the Bears. Rex Grossman, who missed most of the regular season with a broken ankle, regained his starting job late in the year, replacing rookie Kyle Orton.
Grossman shows flashes of ability, but being that he has only started 7 games in his 3 year NFL career, and only one game in the 2005 season, how good he will be in a playoff test is a mystery. It’s also what will determine who will win this game.
RUNNING GAME
DeShaun Foster had a great game against the Giants last week, carrying 27 times for 151 yards. Nick Goings was really good in that game too, getting 63 yards to complement Foster. The party line on those performances is, though, “Yeah but that was against the Giants, not the GREAT Bears defense!!”
Yeah, well, the Bears ranked 11th in the NFL in run defense this year, and the Giants ranked 12th, so there’s not that big a difference there. And call me crazy but I’m pretty sure not too long ago I saw Jerome Bettis leave tire marks all over the great Bears defense. So Carolina just might be able to run the ball successfully in this game.
The issue for the Panthers is that the Bears tend to struggle against big, physical running backs. That’s something that Foster is not. So maybe we’ll see a little bit more of Goings this week.
As for the Bears, they’ll be running at a defense that held Tiki Barber to 41 yards last week, and was tops in the NFC against the run. So whatever the Bears defense brings to the table as far as stopping the run goes, the Panthers bring at least that.
The difference will lie with the guy carrying the ball for the Bears. Thomas Jones is a much more consistent back than DeShaun Foster, and because of him the Bears are ever so slightly better in this department.
ADVANTAGE- BEARS
PASSING GAME
Delhomme may have been sacked 8 times the last time these teams met, but he’s also 4-1 in the postseason, and he’s taken the Panthers to the Super Bowl very recently.
The Bears have Rex Grossman, who, if you believe the local sports media in Chicago, should already be enshrined in Canton. In their eyes, he’s the greatest quarterback the Bears have had since Sid Luckman, despite the fact that he has made 7 NFL starts, thrown 4 career touchdown passes against 6 interceptions, and compiled a passer rating of 68.8. This passer rating ranks him between two guys that were benched this year, Aaron Brooks and JP Losman, in the league leaders table.
Keep in mind that he’s compiled this dismal rating despite facing a pastry assortment of defenses that includes the Steve Spurrier-era Redskins, the 04 Lions and Vikings, the 04 Packers, the 05 Packers, the 03 Vikings, and the 03 Chiefs. None of these squads are anywhere near the Panthers unit that shut out the Giants last week.
This will be the best defense Rex Grossman has ever faced, and I don’t think he’s ready.
ADVANTAGE- PANTHERS
VARIOUS AND SUNDRY
I gave the Jaguars a lot of guff this year for having a weak schedule. If I did that to the Jags, I have to do the same to the Bears. They got to the playoffs by virtue of being better than the Vikings, Lions, and Packers, each of whom they got to play twice. Congratulations on that.
The Panthers, it may shock you to learn, have actually won more games this season (counting last week), than the Bears have, and they did it playing in a pretty tough division. They also have a core group of guys who went to the Super Bowl a mere two years ago.
ADVANTAGE- PANTHERS
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Eventually, the numbers always catch up with you. The numbers tell me the Bears are a decent team, but probably the weakest out of the 8 teams remaining in the playoffs.
Luckily for them, they face the team that might be the second weakest, and they face them at home.
Still, the Bears are a team with way too many questions right now, the biggest being at quarterback. I’ve got no questions about Jake Delhomme. He’s a proven winner, and he will return to the NFC Championship game for the second time in 3 years.
PANTHERS 19, BEARS 14
Does Moose Have Something For His Old Mates?
That’s gonna do it for this week. Have a great weekend and enjoy the games! I’ll be back on Monday to review how it all went down.
