Hello, Swindle fans. Fernandez is off doing important things. VERY important things. Important enough that he’d be willing to compromise his column’s integrity by sticking IP’s pretty pretty princess into his timeslot. Eh, you take what you can get.
So hello!
Here’s some stuff.
Mike Eagle asks, “Where’s the beef?” He might have sworn off making silly remarks about beef, but I haven’t. IT’S BEEFY!
I wrote some column whining about having no real Internet access. Seriously, this summarizes why this sub column isn’t too tremendously in-depth and chock full of information.
Mathan wrote about stuff that, well, I rarely have any idea what Mathan is talking about. It’s not a bad thing, I just feel so goddamned white. It’s kind of embarrassing.
And the last of our columns this past week, Aaron Cameron is giving stuff away and stuff! And he talks about Pink, whose AIM name I supposedly have in my possession. She never replies. :(
And that was it. THAT WAS IT! JESUS! You know what that means? That means we need to hire some new columnists, that’s what that means. KDP is off having an existential crisis, D’Errico has even less ‘net access than I do, someone must’ve up and shot Warren Woo, although we may see some Trevor Presiloski one of these days, and Brian Blottie is looking to make a return (watch for it!). It was DP Weiland’s off week; catch that cat this coming Tuesday if he isn’t sleeping on the job. He’s good people. But anyway, yeah! Are you a music smartypants? Are you entertaining? Are you willing to write for free? Say hi and I’ll send things on to the illustrious hiring committee. Yay!
Some of our reviewers were busy last week as well. Jon Sevastra reviewed Hell Within‘s offering. Apparently it’s pretty good, particularly if you’re into the US metal/core scenes. On the other hand, Blottie properly rated the new Scott Stapp disc, as well as the new Rammstein (which I think is good but not great, worth the purchase just for “Te Quiera Puta!”). And apparently going out with a bang, Bootleg‘s surely got an opinion on the “new” Notorious BIG offering. Hint: even I have never rated an album so low. I’m so proud.
Just a Smidge of Metal
With D’Errico being in and out, and my lack of consistent information sources, there’s a sad lack of metal news on the ol’ IP. Funny thing is that there really isn’t much to report. Here are a few headlines you may have missed, followed by a snarky opinion:
SEPULTURA Drummer IGOR CAVALERA: ‘I’m Just Taking A Break’: Well aren’t we lucky, Sepultura lives on. Honestly, someone should have stuck a fork in these guys after Chaos AD and just let them rest in peace with some sort of dignity.
QUIET RIOT Part Ways With Guitarist TRACII GUNS: Is there even a joke to be made with a headline like that? What if I added — if you weren’t aware — that Tracii Guns joined Quiet Riot only a month ago? My brain hurts.
It’s Official: MUDVAYNE, 10 YEARS To Support KORN; Tour Dates Announced: Korn’s another band that should’ve quit years ago and gone out on top. Then there’s Mudvayne, a band whose chops I respect greatly but they keep insisting on doing things to make me embarrassed to be a fan. I’m weeping for the whole tour.
SYSTEM OF A DOWN Not Worried About Government Pressure: Okay, this is just stupid. Someone says to SOAD, “hey, Bush is wiretapping and you’re all anti-Bush, are you worried?” And SOAD is all like, “not really.” Yet this is a headline.
Ex-HIMSA Guitarist On Former Bandmates: ‘Their Unprofessionalism Is Astounding’: Who?
ATHEIST Regroup, Announce Exclusive Festival Appearances: Hey metal kiddies, ever listen to Atheist? Hey fellow aging metalheads who survived hair bands to come out on the other side, isn’t this kinda cool? If they don’t suck, anyway. If they suck, we’ll have to get all Varg Vikernes on their asses. Ooooooh… probably not the best of references on that one.
SHADOWS FALL Frontman Lands Advice Column In METAL EDGE Magazine: WHO IN THE FUCK STILL READS METAL EDGE. Seriously, I want to know. I read it back when I bought it to put more goddamned Nelson posters on my walls. Good lord, at least write for RIP or something. Is RIP even still around? I’m old.
FIRST BLOOD Sign With TRUSTKILL RECORDS: Let me mark these guys on my list of cookie-cutter hardcore bands to avoid. Maybe I should wait to hear them first before being so harsh, but it’s Trustkill. That’s who they sign.
THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN Member Featured In PETA2.com Campaign: Metal for PETA? What’s next, folk for the NRA? Bring me some goat heads, bitches.
LIFE OF AGONY Frontman Launches New Web Site, Begins Work On New Solo Album: Ummm, I have a web site. I didn’t realize that sort of thing could be news. Guess I should shut up though as I’m not working on a solo album. Puts me in my place, eh?
DOKKEN Guitarist Talks About Upcoming Album: To whom? Who the f*ck would be listening?
And that’s plenty.
Although I’ll leave you with a link to All the Pretty Horses, who played their last show last night. Jendeen is cool as f*ck, that’s all I have to say. DREAM THEATER NERDS UNITE
So take it easy, and remember: Fernandez will be back soon, so don’t go having a riot after putting up with my silliness.
I’m sorry but there’s no one on the line,
–gloomchen
