New Year’s Revolution: Edge rules. Albany rules. Trish and Mickie rule. Triple H is watchable. Big Show is watchable. I like Chris Masters. I liked Carlito’s splash; didn’t see it coming. I like the fact that Candice and Maria have increased ten fold within the past few months, and show no chance of slowing down, nor being treated like Christy Hemme. I like the crowd that thinks ” Quick, we better cheer the opponents so Cena loses”, before realising the possible champions to exceed him, and think “Damn, we’ve unleashed Pandora’s Box! What have we done?! We must correct ourselves and CHEER the lesser of two evils!”, before totally changing their minds thirty seconds later. New Year’s Revolution had the makings for an extraordinary PPV; but ended up nothing more than a mediocore version of a mediocore pay per view.
I like the fact that Mark Henry injured Batista. Well, can be claimed responsible for the injury by those who are, to put it lightly, strongly anti-Mark Henry. Batista was weak and could have been injured against anyone – which is the one reason I have a bad taste in my mouth about Kurt Angle becomming Champion. He was allegedly put on death watch; and has needed to take a full year off for his weak neck. Usually, after WrestleMania, they take him and give him a bit of an “active rest”, but if he retains the belt post Mania (which I see happening), then I question even harder the fact that Kurt Angle is the Champion. Back to my original point; Mark Henry can be billed as one of the few men who have decimated Batista. And, right now, nothing the WWE can say or do can make Batista lose his overness. THIS is what SmackDown has needed; a RAW Superstar and a surprise wrestler to just step up and be THE force of SmackDown. Sure, Mark Henry may not be a good wrestler, but he is surrounded by them. Mark Henry verses Bobby Lashley doesn’t need to be a match; just a physical argument over “No, I’m stronger!”. Mark vs Kurt can be Mark destroying Kurt, and Kurt doing the moves which break him down. Mark vs Rey can be . . . ugh, don’t ever feed me that. I HATE Rey vs Big Guy matches. At the very least, by the end of this, Mark can become a viable contender for the United States Championship . . You’d never think that there was a time where I didn’t like Mark Henry in the slightest, would you?
Let’s look at the card for this week’s velocity. Jamie Noble verses Scotty Too Hotty in the rematch of the century (well, the best rematch in the history of Velocity, one thinks it could be?). The Gymini verses Residents of Jobsville, or, more specifically, Lee Great and Billy Baxx. Paul Burchill verses Nick Berk. And in our MAIN EVENT we have The Mexicools (minus Juvi, as same as last week, still) verses The Dicks. Hm, I’m looking forward to that match, considering the Mexicool’s talent and how confusing The Dicks are to tell apart.
I like Velocity. I really do. I appreciate the fact that there’s a show which, primarily, showcases talent from SmackDown (and, repeat argument for Heat) that rarely gets the chance to ever become big on prime time viewing. However, with Velocity now having NO time limit (well, it’s a web based show. Admittedly, I watch it on TV, but thats still no excuse), I see no excuse what so ever for the WWE to take their remaining un-used talent for the evening and simply shove them in a meaningless and hurtless match, or a “journey to overness”. They all do their stuff, and get themselves over with the crowd and get themselves shown on WWE Velocity. A quick fatal four way on Velocity wouldn’t hurt. A quick Six man battle royal on Velocity wouldn’t hurt. E-mail me and tell me your opinion; do you want to see meaningless and harmess “do your best to put yourselves over” matches on Velocity? (Note: I mean WWE Talent that needs to get put over).
Again, Rated M, Videos, you know the damned routine already. Can’t we have a PG episode of Velocity? That’d shock the hell out of me. Seriously.This time, we open up to Mister Kennedy (you know the drill) making his way on out. Kennedy does the bad guy stuff, but continues to get more entertaining by the week. Picks on Chimmel until he puts on his new t-shirt. Meh, nothing major. Only a must see for those die hard Kennedy fans.
Opening Contest: Scotty Too Hotty verses JAMIE ‘by gawd’ NOBLE
Howcome every second week, I don’t know if I like the tights that Noble chooses? Last week’s match of this was good, don’t forget. Tie up, and Noble gets some attacks in on the neck. Slaps by Hotty before booting Noble in the face. Noble takes it into the corner with elbows; leg drop for a 2 count. Punches by Hotty, before Noble yet again gets the advantage with punches and a scoop slam. Hotty gets the Worm Bulldog early, before signalling for the Worm rather early, but Noble rolls out of the ring. Hotty gets a baseball slide on Noble. Hotty gets a 2 count. Noble goes for a Tiger Bomb, but Hotty fights out, but Noble ends up nailing the Double Knee Gutbuster, before locking on the Dragon Sleeper for the victory.
Winner : Jamie Noble.
What the hell just happened?! Sure, the match was good . . . okay, average, but after a strreak of good seven minute or so matches (or what felt like), we end abrubtly with this match. 5 out of 10, because they could have done so much better than this. Hell, this IS Jamie Noble’s show!
Commercials. I’m looking forward to mighty Caesar’s Rumblus this year. So long as the announcers say everyone’s name with an ‘us’ on the end of their name. Kurtus Anglus. Bookerus Tus. Trishus Stratus . . .Yeah, I’ll shut up now.
And we’re back to see a clip from the Seventh Match for the United States Championship. I like how writing got some of their Guererro Frsutrations out on Benoit; having him fake a knee injury out of nowhere. Also, they’re having Benoit Vs Booker in the event in Sydney in a few months, for the United States Championship . . Let’s just hope this match wasn’t trying to lead up to Orlando Jordan verses Randy Orton.
Commercials. I REALLY hate “Love My Way”, simply because it’s an australian drama staring Claudia Karvan or whatever the hell her name is.
Second Match: The Gymini verses Lee Great and Billy Baxx.
Simon Dean comes out first, and introduces himself as well as The Gymini. I like their music, actually. HEY! I get it! Gymini – Gemini! Hey, thats smart! Gymini just attack the two opponents, until nailing a double team supplex. Punches by the Gymini dude, until the jobber tags out to the other. Scoop slam’s one opponent onto the other. Tag out to the other Gymini, before they nail a really sweet move; “The Croosstrainer”. Fitting.
Winners : The Gymini.
Well, last week I gave Bobby Lashley verses Havoc, in a squash match, 0 out of 10. I see no difference between that match, and this one. 0 / 10. So far, not a good night for Velocity.
Commercials. “We Are Family” sung for Sea World. Another commercial for the Rumblus. I love the really gimmicky pay per views (no, not in a Lockdown sort of style).
Now it’s time for WWE Rewind . . . That’s still around?! We’re rewinding to Piper’s Pit from SmackDown. Credits to Creative for trying something besides Worms.
Third Match: Paul Burchill verses Nick Berk.
Burchill with a quick hip toss on Berk, before nailing a flip and scoop slam. Berk gets a headlock on Burchill, some rope work, Berk nails some tosses, before nailing a dropkick. Burchill takes it to the corner and does the usual – punch, shoulder, whip into the opposite corner. Burchill knees Berk inbetween the shoulder. Irish whip into Powerslam, Burchill gets a One count. Supplex by Burchill, before a knee drop. Whip into elbow by Burchill. Berk tries to fight back, but Burchill gets a headlock and rakes the eyes. Kicks Berk while he’s down. Berk fights back with an elbow, but Burchill elbows him back down. Berk gets a small package! Burchill clotheslines Berk down a few times, works him in the corner, and the Flipping Supplex for the victory.
Winner : Paul Burchill.
What’s in the water tonight? If my writing seems blocky and choppy, then, well, it’s because the wrestling ain’t exactly liquid feeling tonight. 3 out of 10 for Paul Burchill, but I think Berk is to blame. Half the time it felt like he was out there to get a job, as opposed to do his job.
Commercials; I really should watch According To Jim, I find it funny every time I watch it.
We’re back to see Batista forfeiting the World Heavy Weight Championship, as well as the Battle Royal.
Commercials.
And we’re back to see the Kurt Angle verses Mark Henry segment of the Battle Royale. Can you believe NO ONE within the WWE can say Brisbane or Melbourne properly? There’s a “Brisbane Battle Royal”, with the winner set to take on Kurt Angle later on in that night.
Main Event: The Dicks verses The Mexicools.
Steve Romero calls this an excellent episode of Velocity. Not only will I be the judge of that, but I AM the judge of that. And judging from the ratings so far, this match is already a bomb. This edition is the wrestling equivalent of most remakes or Ashlee Simpson doing Rap; a really big miss. Crazy starts off with Chad Dick. They lock up, and Dick goes behind, a package for one, Crazy gets a package for one. Headlock with cruiser weight moves by Crazy, Dick works the arm, before Crazy locks on a Figure Four meets Ankle Lock! Dick tries a clothesline, but Crazy with two arm drags, tag out to Psichosis. Psichosis whips Dick and nails a dropkick, goes to the top rope, and jumps off only to be punched in the gut by Dick. Tag out to James. Psichosis whips Dick, full nelson by Psichosis, before pushing Dick off and nailing an arm drag. Tag to Crazy, before they nail the Mexicool Leg Drag, and pick the other Dick up and drop him down, before Psichosis nails a Leg Drop while Supe Crazy nails a Standing Moonsault. Crazy goes to work on the legal dick; nailing a cross body from the top rope. Dropkicks, sends him into the corner, runs, but goes shoulder first into the steel pole. Dick kicks Crazy, before nailing a shoulder break for a two count. The Dicks pick up Super Crazy and nail the Dick Splash for a two count, broke by Psichosis. Psichosis nails the kicks and punches on the Dicks, before being dropped outside. The Dicks signal for their leg drop, but Animal runs on out and attacks the Dicks! He’s beating the Dicks! Tornado DDT by Super Crazy for the victory.
Winners : The Mexicools.
The post match events continue, with Animal also attacking The Mexicools. Animal’s just a bit shitty today, don’t you think? The match was good, but the Animal interference (of which we have really no reason to have happen) made the match fell, I don’t know, not as good, if that makes sense? 6 out of 10 for the best match today.
So, the results for this week’s Velocity are;
Jamie Noble verses Scotty Too Hotty : 5 / 10
The Gymini verses Lee Great and Billy Baxx : 0 / 10
Paul Burchill verses Nick Berk : 3 / 10
The Dicks verses The Mexicools : 6 / 10
Saturday Janurary 14th Velocity : . . . OUCH . . . 14 / 40.
A good Dick’s Match doesn’t give for a good event. You want to see good matches? Check out the archieves, damn it. Until later, Ciao Yáll.
