THAT TALKS BACK…
IT’S THE
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
(Due to the nature of this report – people who are offended by.. well.. pretty much anything.. you have been warned.)
Tonight our heroes are:
ERIC – The UnCola
BILL – He makes Seven Up Yours
HERNANDEZ – He is the sweet taste of clams and tomato
JENNA – She’s got the right one baby.. uh huh
DANI – She’s Exxtreeeeemmeeeee
And Your Host Who Would Like To Be A Pepper Too…. Me, James Hatton
I got a letter this past week from a Rabble Fan, Tim Wan, who wanted to know a bit more about our Rabbleites… so for the next few weeks I’ll be giving you profiles of your Rabblers to let you know who we are. We’re starting this week, for no apparent reason, with Eric!
Our first entrant is a guy I’ve known since high school, where he and I just didn’t get along. Through time and a crazy ex-girlfriend of mine, we reconnected and found out we got along. We became friends and ended up working at the same comicbook store together… here’s the man we call…. ERIC!
NAME: Eric
AGE: 26
NICKNAMES: Diabolik, Tiny, Mr. Fun, Chibi
FAVORITE MOVIE: Poolhall Junkies
FAVORITE BANDS: Slipknot, Flogging Molly, Dropkick Murphies
FAVORITE WRESTLER: The Undertaker
FAVORITE WRESTLING MOMENT: Debut of Undertaker &
Shane Douglas/Terry Funk/Sabu for the ECW Title
FAVORITE BAD GIMMICK: I.R.S.
LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER: Mortis
FAVORITE MOVE: The Tazmission & T-Bone Suplex (Not Shelton’s)
ANY WORDS TO SAY ERIC?: Outside of plugging the website I’m working for.. no… and that website is http://www.pscore.net for the Perfect Score Podcast.
Thanks Eric!
We start up with an intro of Martin Luther King…
“Wait.. he didn’t wrestle?!” – Hernandez
‘I have a dream…’
“WHAT!?” – Bill
“So is this Shelton’s new opening?” – Hernandez
Well we’re starting off strong, aren’t we… and I didn’t even put in Bill’s ‘BANG’ joke… shit, this is going to be bad.
Tonight though for the Title it’s Edge vs. Flair in a TLC match.. as well as Kurt versus Shawn.. and if you don’t know Kurt is the new Smackdown World Champion!?!
Starting up first though, here comes Edge! He’s not ready for wrestling right now, but here comes Lita wearing a black vest… and well…. I’m sure some nice double sided tape. She doesn’t look all that bad actually.
“I realize that some people are calling me a cheap champion… I was just in the right place at the right time. Like it or not, I stand before you as your new WWE champion. I do what I want, when I want. I call the shots. Last week I wanted to have sex with my love kitten Lita, but it seems that some of you were offended by my fare Lita being stripped down to her bare essentials… I say to them… too damn bad.” – Edge
Edge now explains the concequences that Ric Flair faced last weeks… chair to table with a head in the middle.. KWANG!
“I still mark for the con-chair-to” – Me
Edge decides that he is now going to have sex in the ring with Lita.. right now. This though is interrupted by KURT ‘PYRO’ ANGLE wearing his new big big gold belt! Edge explains that Angle sucks…
“Davairi is sitting there going .. no.. YOU suck..” – Bill
So they go head to head discussing how one man won the title over the other.
The crowd is 100% behind Kurt! Edge believes Kurt went to Smackdown because he was embarrassed that he couldn’t beat John Cena…. Edge then taunts Angle with a match.. Title versus Title… then pulls it back.
“You are a second rate champion on a second rate show” – Edge
Angle then stiffs him with a nice clubbing blow… and tosses him out of the ring.. but here comes the Chairman Of The Board! He doesn’t look happy.
Vince declares that he will not have two heavyweight champions beating the hell out of tonight…
“Why not?” – Bill
Either way, Edge has to face Flair for the title in a TLC match…
“Which is just a ladder match..” – Me
“With tables and chairs..” – Hernandez and Bill
Also, Kurt has to defe–no no no.. not defending the title, but there will be a stipulation. If Shawn loses, he will be terminated immediately. So let’s introduce Shawn and get it started!
“This better be 25 minutes..” – Hernandez
“It’s a good thing that he’s ready..” – Dani
“Shawn. Is always ready..” – Bill
“Jesus was whispering in his ear to get ready” – Jenna
Shawn gets a little face to face with Vince.
“Screw him!” – Hernandez
“Take his gum!” – Bill
“Put it on his nose!” – Eric
COMMERCIAL TIME! – And if you didn’t know – The Golden Globes are on!
They give an award to S. Epatha Merkerson – and she thanks the world since this was her first lead in a film.
“BANG!” – Hernandez
So she thanks a bunch of people.. Dick Wolf.. Mark Maynard.. Tanya Ownes.. Her date Jesse L Martin, her baby brother, and the gay guy from Rent.
—————–
BACK TO WRESTLING!
KURT ANGLE vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
The Bumper Match … OF DOOM!
Side-headlock from Shawn to Kurt. They have a side-headlock exchange back and forth ending back with Shawn to Kurt.
“Kurt’s head is turning purple..” – Bill
“He gives himself everynight” – Eric
“It looks like a penis!” – Dani
“We were trying to be tasteful…” – Bill
“I was going to say ‘grape'” – Hernandez
So Shawn gets tossed to the corner, and as Kurt runs to a boot.. Shawn jumps up and lands into the belly to belly – followed by the triumverate of belly to back suplexes. Followed up with leg scissors by Kurt, and Shawn fights back with some elbows.
Shawn finally gets to his feet and pushes Kurt to the corner, irish whip and Shawn goes corner to corner.. HARD! Kurt picks up Shawn, but we get a DDT reversal.
“He is acting like a CYBORG Kurt Angle!” – Styles
“Look he’s rebooting!” – Hernandez
Shawn’s back looks hurt as he gets up and as he shoulderchecks Kurt he stops and holds his back.
“PINCH IT OFF SHAWN!” – Me
He hits the ropes and Davairi drops the ropes throwing him over the top.
“IT’S A TRAP!” – Me
He Superkicks Davairi and eats an Angle Slam on the outside…
COMMERCIAL TIME!
A review of Match Point. A scene of Scarlet Johannsson blindfolding whomever…
“Wow.. we have to see that.. He is so hot!” – Me
Harrison Ford comes down with Virginia Madison.
“BANG!” – Hernandez
“..we’re killing off everyone?” – Bill
“Hey.. Han shot first!” – Eric
Oh and the winner of whatever award was up.. .Brokeback Mountain wins it.
“…show me some Heath Ledger!” – Dani
——————–
Back in the ring Kurt’s got Shawn in a chinlock and he’s fighting out of it… Shawn hits some chops in the corner.
“So this match is fifteen minutes already” – Hernandez
“..we’ve seen ten of them” – Dani
Kurt bodyslams Shawn down hard for two. European uppercuts sends Shawn to the corner and then brings him up to the top turnbuckle…. BELLY TO BELLY FROM THE TOP????????? No! Shawn hits him and throws him. Kurt runs back, and again gets tossed.
“Go away!” – Bill
“I’m setting up.. STOP IT!” – Hernandez
Angle runs in and HITS AN ANGLE SLAM FROM THE TOP! OWWIE! HE PINS!!!
TWO COUNT!?!??!
“Does Michaels actually have a back.. or is it a steel?” – Dani
“It’s Jello” – Eric
Shawn gets picked up.. throws the superkick… MISSES INTO THE ANKLE LOCK! Shawn rolls into the pin!!!! TWO COUNT!
On their feet again, they go fist to fist, then Shawn hits the ropes and hits the crossbody. He nips up! HE GETS TOSSED INTO THE ANKLE LOCK! Another roll out and he kicks Kurt out and Kurt runs in to the atomic drop. Shawn is climbing to the top.
He throws the elbow.. HE MISSES!
“Wifffff” – Bill
Kurt’s up.. and he removes the suspenders… it’s party time!
He goes for the Angle slam.. Sunset flip… turned into the Ankle Lock!!!! Shawn is fighting for the edge! He kicks Angle.. but ANGLE HOLDS ONTO IT AGAIN! He fights for the robes, and only hits Davairi…
Davairi runs in with a chair… and as he’s about to hit Shawn the ref stops it! He grabs the chair and Kurt runs over to toss Davairi too… ROLL UP FROM SHAWN!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS
In the ring Kurt fights it out with Davairi.
“Just say NO! And rub his face into Shawn Michaels” – Bill
They continue to fight and as Davairi is apologizing… he slaps Kurt – and gets beaten to hell – Angle Slammed over the top rope – and Kurt is officially a face!
“…four fish…
…five fish…” – Me
“…five and a half fish…” – Bill
So Kurt heads out… now a full-fledged face… sweet.
COMMERCIAL!
On the stage is Tom Cruise’s former sheath.. Penelope Cruz!
And here comes Matthew McConnahey and Sarah Jessica Parker. The nominees for the best foreign language film.
“It’s a sad state of affair when I want Matthew McConnahey more..” Roommate Randy
And ‘Paradise Now’ wins it.
“They are SO gonna be bragging about that at the next UN meeting.” – Bill
——————-
So back to Raw they show us what happened during the commercial – Angle announces that Davairi is fired.
We get the 2001 Wrestlemania X7 of Edge spearing Jeff off the first TLC match..
Also Cena will be taking the Masterlock Challenge?!
It’s now time for Maria!!!
“You were in the Elimination Chamber at New Years Revolution… until the end.. wanna see?” – SHE IS SO GOD DAMNED ADORABLE!
“I shuurre washhhh” – Bill
We get the flash to the PPV…
“That was mean. Do you really think you can make John Cena give up?” – Maria
“Somebody has to drain his spit valve before he talks” – Me
Masters prattles on…
And in the back Ashley is all pink and pleated..
“Wow.. she won..” – Dani
..with Trish. Dani is probably right, but we’ll wait for their tag match a bit later. They discuss Mickey James until she shows up, when they shush up quickly. Mickey decides she’ll be coming down to the ring with them.
COMMERCIAL TIME!
The Memoirs of a Geisha wins for Original Score in a Motion Picture!
And now… Mariah Carey.. LET THE JOKES BEGIN!!!!! Now for best original song.
Brokeback Mountain
Christmas In Love
The Producers
Travelin’ Thru
Chronicles of Narnia
“With a song by Wumpscut!” – Me
Brokeback takes it….
“It’s taking everything!” – Dani
“..they never learned how to quit it..” – Me
“They are raping the award ceremonies..” – Bill
“They’re gay for this movie..” – Roommate Randy
———————
We switch back..
“oooOOooo ‘Lectric Shave…” – Bill
Now it’s time for Bill’s favorite call out of the night….
“There goes the night…” – Jenna
“You can’t say that…. It’s time for
POWDDDDDERRRED
TOOOOOASSSSTTT
MAAAAAAAAAANNN” – Bill
“They kept this guy on the roster…” – Roommate Randy
“nah.. he’s Pro Bono” – Bill
“…but got rid of Christian.” – Roommate Randy
Masterlock grabs the mic. And talks past the 10pm hour..
HEY THE CHAMP ISSSSSS…..Edge!
Cena flounces around the top of the key…
“Wow it’s easier to move without that damned belt!” – Bill
Dani goes on a tirade on the smart booking of Cena going against Masters.. the most hated man in the WWE…
JOHN CENA
Masterlock Challenge
A long set-up into the Masterlock…. and I’m tempted to turn on the Golden Globes again…
Masters locks it in and starts throwing Cena around… and they are cheering Cena here. Cena finally bends forward, pulling Masters off his feet.. then throwing him into the turnbuckle.
“Hey look Dani.. another purple headed warrior” – Hernandez
Cena is starting to fade…
Then fights out of it…
“Don’t bite your tongue!” – Hernandez
“DON’T GIVE HIM THE STICK!” – Bill
Then in runs Edge, and just as Cena is about to break it… BELT SMASH! BLADE JOB!
Edge’s music.. and it’s over…
COMMERCIALS!
We come back in time to see Hannibal Lector wink at us… sweet. Also, Gwynneth Paltrow is not looking that great.
We then get a musical retrospective on Anthony Hopkins…
“Hello My Name Is John Merrick” – Anthony Hopkins
———————-
Okay, and in the back Shawn is getting his ankle getting checked out and Vince runs up for the nose to nose bit.
“I just can’t quit you…” – Hernandez
Vince guarantees that Shawn’s luck is going to run out and he will be escorted out of the building. He then talks to Flair, cheering and smacking him on the back.
“..blade…” – Hernandez
Vince explains that Ric can tonight BECOME THE 17 TIME WORLD CHAMP!
“..BANG!” – Hernandez
“Look at Ric.. he’s totally drugged up! He’s made of wood!” – Bill
So in comes Candice… and she’s wearing a lil latex bodicey bit… it’s going to be tough to choose between her and Ashley…. So Vince holds her wand and asks her to that little twirl that he likes..
“..right around his asshole..” – Bill
So now here comes Trish, Ashley, and Mickey! And I was wrong earlier, this is a six-woman tag match.
“It’s like the bulldog and the chiuaua from Looney Toons!” – Hernandez
Now it’s Victoria.. no. Torrie.. No. Candice… Maaaybe…
GOOD GIRLS vs. BAD GIRLS
The GoDaddy Ashley conundrum
Me and Dani try and figure out if she’s hot…
So Victoria starts with Trish. Trish rolls up Victoria for two. Hits the ropes and Thesz Press… Victoria punches her in the vagina, and Trish tosses her into the corner. She holds up and catches her legs around Victoria… then Candice comes in for the the double twist…
Trish tags in Ashley who gets speared by Mickey!?!?!? Trish pulls her out and Ashley eats the Widow’s Peak.
WINNER: BAD GIRLS
WINNER OF THE LECH AWARD TONIGHT: Ashley, with Candice running a close second.
COMMERCIAL TIME!
Ang Lee wins for best Director.
“I’m George Takai..” – Bill
“it’s embarrassing..” – Ang Lee
“That I made the Hulk” – Dani
“I’m pretending I won it FOR the Hulk” – Bill
“When I saw the script.. I realized I just couldn’t quit this movie” – Me
“You know what would be awesome? Ultimate Warrior commentating on Brokeback Mountain..” – Dani
“Queering don’t make the world go round. Hulk. Ho. Gan.” – Me as Warrior
“I just couldn’t quit you. Hulk. Ho. Gan.” – Bill
“I removed your underwear. Hulk. Ho. Gan.
I experienced your catlike reflexes. Hulk. Ho. Gan.” – Bill
——————-
HEY! RVD! ROYAL RUMBLE! HEY TANYA! SWAMP ASS!
In the ring it’s Carlito!
“Whose that? It’s a tumbleweed with a tumor…” – Bill
Carlito wants to remind us what happened when RVD came on Raw last time… and they show us where RVD got appled by Carlito last June. He threatens him as the RVD chant starts..
Carlito is sure nobody can throw Carlito over the top rope.
BOOM! It’s Kane time!
“Hope he doesn’t use Aquanet!” – Hernandez
Kane eats some fists from Carlito… he goes for the chokeslam, but gets a thumb… eats a boot, but ends up gets tossed out by Kane. Not a shock.
Kane hits the pyro.
“Carlito goes up like Michael Jackson…” – Jenna
Well that was useful.
In the back Vinnie is watching the television, and in comes some random guy who tells him that there is a woman waiting for him. He tells the guy to give him five minutes…
“Mae Young.” – Jenna
“Linda.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL!
Lunesta will put you to sleep.
Loreal products discuss beautiful women at womenofworth.com
“Loreal is dedicated to giving everyone ovarian cancer.” – Bill
Dani marks out for a Target commercial.
———————-
So … Vince is stripping….
“Stephanie..” – Dani
Vince drops his pants. ‘I just want to feel your presence…’ and he twirls.. HEY! It’s Mama Benjamin. Comedy gold! Ok.. maybe Comedy Tinfoil! She pushes for Shelton to get a match.. and she strokes his chest..
“I’ll make ya’ head roll” – Mama Benjamin
“Vince just vomited in his mouth a little bit..” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Somebody discusses the Thin Line.
We watch Burger King commercials. I just can’t quit the King.
———————–
Hey.. it’s Shelton w/ Mama…
Who is his opponent though?
SHELTON vs. HEY IT’S THE BIG SHOW!
“Taking down the fatties one week at at a time..” – Bill
“Last week he wrestled Val Venis though.” – Roommate Randy
“He’s a fatty somewhere else..” – Bill
Mama is getting stared down by Big Show and somebody’s mic is picking up Shelton as he talks to Mama.
“Is there a black announcing table?” – Hernandez
Show helps Mama out nicely and Shelton spins him around for the first shot…. and Big Show grabs him.. sideslam, hurting his hand. Shelton gets up and el SMACKO from Show’s hand to the corner post. Shelton climbs to the top and leaps RIGHT into a chokeslam… he hits the hand and gets dropped. He hits the ropes and leaps getting slammed back out of the ring.. then press-slammed right INTO the ring.
“Do you realize that Mama Shelton actually Snikts..” – Bill
Out of nowhere Trips shows up and attacks Show! The countout goes.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
“Isn’t that Martin Lawrence in a costume?” – Roommate Randy
“It’s actually Martin Short in a costume.. he can do anything” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
Lost won for something…
Here comes Dennis Quaid.
“I’m here to announce my next movie.. Innerspace 2.” – Me
————————-
WOOOOOoooooo!
At the edge of the ring is Ric Flair’s daughter.
“Look.. she’s bleeding” – Hernandez
“It’s her time of the month?” – Me
“She’s got the gum disease… GINGIVITUS!” – Bill
RIC FLAIR vs. EDGE!
the blood will flowwwww…
Here comes Edge…
“Highlander!” – Roommate Randy
They drop the noose down to suspend the belt….
“..or Flair” – Bill
Lock up and toss to the corner and Ric gets a whollleeeelotta chops.
“WOoo!” – Bill
Edge throws a knee and an elbow to the back of Ric’s head.. and out goes Edge for the ladder… and a chair!
“Not wasting ANYtime..” – Hernandez
“It’s like a buffet..” – Bill
Edge hits Flair with the ladder.. then wedges him in the middle of it and hits it with a chair.
“He’s fallen.. and he caannn’t get up.” – Me
Edge rolls Flair out of the ring, and follows, but eats a chop or two or three and Edge gets thrown into the audience.. after two cameramen almost get killed they get back outside the ring and Flair eats a suplex onto the mat.
Edge sets up a table with a chair on it, and Lita walks around with another one. Ric gets tossed onto the table, and Ric’s head is on the chair… Edge climbs the announcers table and Ric grabs the nuts!
“TESTICULAR CLAW!” – Hernandez
Lita grabs Ric, but gets snapmared.. as Ric turns around he gets elKabong’d with the chair…. and Flair is bloody. Edge puts him back on the table.
“Do the testicular claw on Lita” – Bill
“The Vag Vice” – Roommate Randy
So Ric’s on a table, and Lita’s holding him… Edge sets up a ladder in the ring and BIG SPLASH ONTO FLAIR!!!!!!
“oh my god flair is dead.. Flair is Dead!” – Hernandez
As Edge rolls off of him, Flair screams ‘OH GOD DAMNIT’ and we go to commercial.
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring and Flair is in the ring gushing! They show the splash a few more times… that was insane. We all comment that Flair looks like the Red Rooster. He sets Edge across the inside of the ladder.. then gets a chair and WHACK! Edge in the ladder. KABONG! Edge’s head. SQUASH! Edge’s knee..
Ric sets a ladder into the corner. He climbs the corner. Climbs the ladder.. good god no. Edge climbs the counterside and they fight at the top. Edge with fists to Flair. Edge HITS A SUPERPLEX!
“No wonder his daughter’s there.. they need a next of kin!” – Me
They replay it.
“awww.. he left a stain..” – Me
AJ Styles repeats what I said.
“They should get some club soda on that..” – Bill
“Resolve is the new WWE sponser.” – Eric
Edge now climbs the ladder…. a missle dropkick GLANCES Flair and Edge is holding his mouth… Flair Flop! Edge comes and SLAMMOS Ric with the chair who falls out.
“Aww poor guy in the front row who wore the white shirt.” – Bill
“He’s got a splatter of Flair all over him.” – Me
Edge climbs up the ladder.. but here comes Ric… slowwwly… Ric tips the ladder up… UP! Edge goes out.. THROUGH A TABLE!!!!! Edge looks like he TRIED to catch the ropes on the crotch.. but missed!?!!?
FLAIR IS AT THE TOP OF THE LADDER!
WE’RE MARKING LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS!
Here comes Lita!?!! She drops Flair off the ladder and he hits her in the figure four!
“And she breaks her neck” – Hernandez
Lita bails out of the ring… and Edge is STILL OUT!
Ric is now in the ring with the ladder…. 11:03PM!
“Come on old man.. there is a 17 year old girl counting on you” – Bill
“..you?” – Me
HE’S UP…. HE’S NEAR THE TOP AND HERE COMES EDGE! He reaches, but Edge grabs his hand!
“JUST BLEED ON HIM!” – Hernandez
Punch fight at the top!!!! FLAIR FALLS! The crowd is livid! Edge grabs the belt… The end!
WINNER: EDGE
Flair gets to his feet and SPEAR! SPEAR! GOAR! Heheh…
Edge runs in with the chair, and sets Flair for the ConChairTo and the crowd actually is chanting for Cena and as he runs in for the run-in…. Cena gets the pop! Edge and Lita bail.
The show ends with Cena standing over Flair.
“Look how he’s protecting him.. like his brood..” – Bill
That’s the show… what did the Rabble think?
“Lame ending to the ladder match.. overall ..eh? They weren’t horrible” – Eric
“They’re building some really good.. what are they called… feuds.” – Bill
“I can’t believe Flair didn’t win… Flair should have won” – Hernandez
“I thought they killed Masters.. the alternative end to the main event killed it” – Jenna
“An amazing hardcore match.. Vince realizes he needs to step it up. And I give him credit for making Cena get cheered.” – Me
“Triple H has sweet chops” – Roommate Randy
So that is Raw… Wow.. Poor Flair.
