On February 10, The Bootleg column will come to an end after a three-year run, first on 411Mania and then here on Inside Pulse. And, I can’t think of any better way to say “thank you” to my readers than to offer up the biggest giveaway in Bootleg histo-ray. One lucky reader will win a brand-new Apple iPod Nano! Details are at the bottom of The Goodness”¦along with pictures of an even better additional prize!
Welcome back to The Bootleg. Two weeks ago, I was using this non-music intro to mock the arctic climate of all non-Californians. We had just enjoyed a sunny, 75-degree Christmas Day and all was right with our warm, warm world.
One week ago, I was using this non-music intro to celebrate the arrival and accompanying amenities of our new SUV. Now, keep in mind that I’ve actually only driven the new ride once or twice since the first week we bought it. But, I can take comfort in knowing that my 4’8″ wife must sit approximately two centimeters from the driver’s side air bag, in order to reach the pedals.
If that bad boy ever deploys, they’ll be picking up her pieces off the streets for weeks.
Sure, that might seem a wee bit mean-spirited, but since the arrival of the SUV, I’ve actually been the one forced out onto the street. After spending the last five years parking my car in an underground (or overground) garage, I’ve been forced to return to parking, overnight”¦on the street.
For those of you who don’t know, we live in a section of San Diego known as Rancho Bernardo (and, yes”¦every section of San Diego ends in a vowel and sounds like a new fun flavor that the Frito-Lay folks devised for Doritos). Anyways”¦two things about “R.B.”: One, this community’s median age is about 80, so grand theft auto isn’t an option. Two, we’re far enough inland that it’s usually warmer than the coast during the day and colder than any place in the state at night.
Now, I know that “West Coast cold” can’t compare to “East Coast cold”, but this past Monday it was 30 degrees when I left for work, just after 5:00 AM. Yeah, yeah”¦laugh all you want, Albany, but with the wind chill, it felt like 24 or 25 degrees.
How cold was it? It seemed that, overnight, a white icy-like substance had formed on my windshield. I tried everything to get it off, which actually amounted to using my windshield wipers, then trying the wipers with the washer fluid. Neither one worked!
Eventually, I found a squeegee and scraped the frozen water concoction off. Freaky. And, yes, you sharp-eyed readers will note that this past Monday was Martin Luther King Day and his “dream” for me was to be at work about 60 minutes before sunrise.
I’m convinced this is why Dr. King gave his “I Have a Dream” speech in the summer. Actually, I have no idea when he gave that speech, since we don’t technically have to know until next month.
Do I still have time to steal Nick’s “FREEze at last, FREEze at last” joke? Nah, I’ll wait until next week.
The Goodness is like your rear window defroster on a cold, wintry morn”¦
B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret II
Journeyman NBA baller, Nick Van Exel, has filed a lawsuit against two men he claims have defrauded him out of $1.2 million dollars. The two were originally hired by Van Exel to oversee his “RapRock Records & Films” production company and specifically tasked with launching the rap career of Van Exel’s cousin, Smoot.
And, I’ve got even money that says “Smoot” ain’t a stage name.
Anyways, Van Exel alleges that Wilson Ebiye and Leonard Chukwemeke illegally funneled money from the company to buy several high-priced vehicles for themselves. Judging from those surnames, I’m certain that this isn’t the first scam these two have attempted to pull. Hard to believe that an athlete could be fooled to the tune of seven figures, before finally realizing something was wrong.
I mean, it’s not like ol’ Nicky has his looks to fall back on, either. If roaches were just slightly more evolved and walking upright”¦ Oh, that’s cruel. Van Exel isn’t the league’s ugliest player”¦he just happens to be in the back row of the class picture. And, my”¦what a surprise”¦look who’s in front of him.
Personally, I think Nick needs to grow his hair out, again, and head back to Hollywood. Surely, UPN can find another series vehicle for him, after his successful run on The Parkers.
Puff Daddy Stinks!
It’s stories like these that forced Jeff Fernandez underground. Sean “Diddy” Combs picked up his weekly ration of inexplicable publicity when it was announced that advertisements for his new scent, “Unforgivable”, were deemed “too sexy” for department store displays.
The ads featured the mumbling one in bed with not one, but two women, in an ill-fated attempt to have us believe that any scent other than “he’s worth $500 million” had any effect on these ménage-a-trois models. The ads were re-shot this week, with just one bitch in bed”¦oh, and the woman next to him. I’m not sure why, but John Demsey, the President of Estée Lauder, chimed in on this one:
“It’s unfortunate that some people were so uncomfortable with something with that much sexual presence, but we stand by it.”
“Sexual?” OK, we’ve been over this several times before, but once more for the road: sex is “sexual””¦everything else, not so much. Sorry, but the image of a 36-year-old Diddy and his deer-in-the-headlights, blank-slate stare as the meat in a video skank sandwich isn’t so much “sexual” as it is “penicillin”.
We “get it”, Diddy: 1.) You’re cock-tacular in the sack. 2.) Half a billion dollars is now not enough money, apparently. Jesus Christ, people”¦at some point a man gets so rich, that every additional dollar he earns is immediately devalued and the slow collapse of the national economy commences.
And, for those of you I’ve already lost, the above example is why you should never wish for “all the money in the world”. Has Kazaam taught us nothing?
Why Not Just Call It “Grillz”? It’s Called “Cross-Promotion”, People”¦
Ever wonder what happened to Nelly’s talentless syndicate known as the St. Lunatics? Yeah, well”¦for this, pretend you did. Nelly is bringing the band back together for the opening of a new restaurant venture.
They’re all investors in “Mack’s Bar & Grill”, which will be located in the suburbs of St. Louis. I’m not exactly sure how the five of them came up with a collective thought process, but Nelly’s business manager sheds some light on the endeavor:
“Nelly has always looked for business opportunities and [Nelly’s partner] Ali ran across this [property].”
While I agree that “from the police” should be the next three words in that sentence, it sounds like everything here is on the up and up. In fact, Nelly and his crew are actually buying the restaurant from its former owner, Theresa Ahern. She will continue to own the property, while Nelly n’ them own the business.
Who else smells sitcom?
Five unruly, unwashed rappers open an eatery in the suburbs and play themselves, while enduring an endless array of interference from their nosy landlady (played by the late Nedra Volz).
And, to complete the stereotypical casting, we’ll need a little white boy to play the inevitable “only one who understands the Black man”.
At first, his schtick will come off as “cute”, like watching Jonathan Lipnicki in the first five minutes of Jerry Maguire, but then you’ll want to kill him, like watching Jonathan Lipnicki in every scene he’s been in”¦in anything”¦ever since.
Cannonball Run II Was On This Morning”¦That’s What I Blame
Our light-skinned brothers in yellow journalism over at The New York Daily News are reporting that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are planning to divorce after 14 years of wedded spliff. Brown has reportedly been telling friends and family that he plans to move out of the couple’s Atlanta estate and relocate to Connecticut in an attempt to resuscitate the corpse that is his career.
Earlier this month, Brown made several gossip pages with his behavior backstage at a show at The Foxwoods Casino in Mashantucket, CT. Over the course of the evening, as R&B acts like SWV, Guy and Blackstreet took the stage, Bobby was seen in the company of several groupies. Paparazzi captured”¦wait a minute. SWV? Guy? Blackstreet?
Funny”¦but, I’m sure it wasn’t “12 years ago” when I went to bed last night.
Or, maybe “Mashantucket” is just an old Indian word for “mid-90s Black movie soundtrack”. Back in the day, that was the only way to see this much empty R&B all in one place. Fast forward to 2006 and the R&B industry is left with just Jagged Edge or any artist that’s had the words “G-Unit, featuring”¦” preceding their name in the past 52 weeks.
It’s kind of how the post-Evening Shade preserved remains of Burt Reynolds have been billed as “And Burt Reynolds” in all his movies I’ve seen since Striptease. I never understood this.
Are the producers singling him out for his 45 year run as an American acting icon or is this the equivalent of the “^” carrot symbol that’s used when we want to squeeze in an extra word on our third grade essays?
General Haberdashery: Mathan MIA Edition
For the first time since June 23, 2005, Mathan Erhardt has missed his weekly music column. That’s a streak of almost seven straight months featuring mirth, merriment and Math. A lot has happened with our staff in that time:
Shawn M. Smith made a logo for his SITASS column and negotiated an endorsement arrangement with his friends at Strattera. This week, he gets all “outdoor concert festival” on us, with a splash of metal and a properly italicized, all caps comment to those of you who plan to see the new Outkast movie.
Open Mike wrote one column in November and one in December, before resolving deciding to write more regularly this year. He’s got a classic up this week that teaches us all what it means to dream. “Oh, boy”¦sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!” Man, I hope Mike watches The Simpsons.
Trevor returns! Back when Mathan still cared about his column, Trevor was nowhere to be found. And, now that Mathan is missing”¦wait a minute. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room? I mean “Presiloski” is as ethnic as “Erhardt”, isn’t it? While you wrap your minds around that, “Trevor” has a kick ass hockey intro and fat (not “phat”) pics of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. This is officially “Reid Season”, people! He’s got nine ways for Fox to make him care about 24 (note: “kill off the Black people” came in at #10). Plus, an extended chat where he reveals the one Lea Thompson movie he hasn’t seen. For shame. The movie in question also stars Tate Donovan (the snaggletooth love interest of Sandra Bullock in Love Potion #9) and the gay guy from Revenge of the Nerds. Ooh, awkward segue”¦
It’s the annual Joe Reid Golden Globes Recap at The Film Experience! It’s a freakin’ brilliant take on the excess and extravagance”¦of Drew Barrymore’s boobs. Hell, it’s even got pictures of Drew’s funbags sans foundation undergarments. If Joe’s this catty now, wait until Oscar night! Watch out Joan and Melissa Rivers.
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. In this column, he mentioned that “Jack, Sawyer and Michael” didn’t annoy him in last week’s Lost. I’m guessing his opinion has taken a 180 since this week’s episode aired. God, I wanna punch those guys. Math also opines on white folk reading Ebony and Black men watching Desperate”¦ ah, I’ve beat that joke into the ground. Go answer his last ever Question of the Week, won’t you?
Junk Mail
In last week’s mailbag, the readers were fooled by a faux photo of our own Joe Reid, this week”¦
Is that really a picture of Mathan (in last week’s column)? I thought he was the big Samoan looking brother passed out on the couch, since that’s the picture that you guys use to hype his column on the main page?
Keaya S.
Umm”¦well, let’s just say that one of the pictures isn’t actually Math and one of them doesn’t depict him, either. I’ll let you figure out which is which.
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And, does Mathan know he looks like Craig David?
Eric P.
Y’know”¦I’m pretty sure he’s mentioned the comparisons once or twice.
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LOVED Nick’s year-end wrap up with a good mix of the mainstream and the less-known. Before y’all close up the Bootleg, tell your boy he needs to drop his 2005 best-of mixtape on the readers. Hope you two will keep on contributing to IP after the goodness ends.
Christopher C.
Lots o’ love for Nick’s feature last week, although I will say that I copped one of the albums on his top 10 list about two weeks ago and didn’t like it as much as he did. Which is my subtle way of teasing my next review”¦next week!
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I wish you and Nick could’ve teamed up on the year-end thing, but I was glad to see Salemi lay out like he did. I was glad to see The Game make his list, since I agree that the potential for better things is there. Plus, the credit he gives Kanye, Common and Beans was all deserved. I’m holdin’ out for a few more weeks of you guys as we need one more co-production from y’all before this ends.
Jerrod S.
All you need to know about The Game is that Mrs. Bootleg now has his debut CD in her car stereo. And, last I checked, she’s still the primary chauffeur for Baby Bootleg. If only Jalen’s first words were “Compton, uhh”¦Dre found me in the sluuuuuums””¦
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Cam”¦WHAT was with that picture of you (in last week’s column)? You’ve got that “runaway bride look” in your eyes, Aaron. And, I’m equally amazed at the eight different directions you’ve trained your eight different chin hairs to point. I could go on”¦from your pink ears to your little fake “soul patch” to the fact that you purposely kept your skinny little arms out of the frame. Hope you’ll be using your retirement to, y’know”¦eat something.
Oscar M.
Well, my readers had quite the laugh at my expense last week. All of you who wrote in to mock me are now disqualified from my contest. All of you! I’m kidding, but remember”¦words hurt. Words hurt.
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Dude “¦ the t-shirt. So many directions I could go with this one. The first being that you really don’t have to recoil from the camera like that. It’s your friend! It’s probably more afraid of you than you are of it. Second of all, when did IP begin this policy of appeasing its most tolerated writers via apparel?
Movie Joe Reid
Doesn’t “apparel” imply plural? I signed the rights to my name, likeness and column over to Widro for just the one T-shirt. I mean”¦it’s got my name on it!
So, here’s the deal”¦one Bootleg reader will win an unopened, unused, brand spankin’ new iPod Nano. That’s 2GB, 500 songs, retail value $199. All you have to do is answer four questions, spread out over the next four weeks, relating to anything I’ve ever written in The Bootleg.
Continuing this week, I’m running a question in this space. Don’t send me the answer to this or any subsequent questions until all FOUR questions have been posted here! I don’t wanna hear from any of you until January 27, when the fourth n’ final question will appear.
On the 27th, you’ll all have a week to send in ALL the answers in ONE email. And, for kicks, each question will increase in “degree of difficulty” from week-to-week with one point assigned to week one’s question, two points for week two, etc.
The reader with the most points wins. Tiebreaker to be determined, if necessary. Inside Pulse writers ain’t eligible.
AND, I’m throwing in a limited-edition (cough) “I Read The Bootleg” T-Shirt to the winner, as well. Be the envy of no one, as our male model demonstrates, by telling everyone that you”¦read”¦me. Through the magic of our IP technology, the “read” sounds like present tense through February 10 and then changes to past tense (same spelling!) for every day, thereafter. On the back is one of my inappropriate quotes from an old column, which is guaranteed to offend. Yours will be different and less, um, “wordy”.
(Thanks to Widro, Matthew Michaels and their NY street corner connections for making my own T-Shirt a sweatshop reality”¦)
This Week’s Question”¦worth three points: In the first-ever MFWNTAK column, who was the only woman to appear among the top three nominees?
Week Two’s Question”¦worth two points: Name TWO living Black actresses who WEREN’T mentioned in me and Joe Reid’s Black Actress Survivor feature.
Week One’s Question”¦worth one point: What’s Baby Bootleg’s REAL first name?
Sorry for the column quality. 60 hours of work this week made for some great writer’s block. Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
