The Double-Team Short Form, 01.20-21.06

Archive

In Memoriam I: Wilson Pickett. Words can’t describe how phenomenal he was. But there is a nasty little trend developing. Last year, Arthur Conley, the singer of the classic “Sweet Soul Music”, passed away. Less than a month ago, Lou Rawls, who was mentioned in “Sweet Soul Music”, passed away. Now Pickett, who was also mentioned in “Sweet Soul Music”, is gone. If I’m Sam Moore or James Brown, I’m scared.

In Memoriam II: Tony Franciosa. Underrated actor, but, again, another discouraging sign; his ex-wife Shelley Winters died last week.

In Memoriam III: Ibrahim Rugova. He wasn’t able to see his dream of an indepenent Kosovo come true, but he did his damndest to reconcile the people of that area. Yes, it takes more than one man to get people to bypass centuries of hatred and suspicion, but if no one makes the effort, how will the problem ever be solved?

In Memoriam IV: The Thames Whale. But, really, what do you expect? He was swimming down the Thames. You can use raw Thames water to remove varnish.

Well, I have to admit that that was good timing. My computer started to go wonky on Saturday night, and it took me until Friday evening to track down and correct the problem. Thus, I had to abandon a half-done Short Form featuring a Smackdown that had a world title change. It caused me to miss a Tuesday after a PPV (although that’s now flip-a-coin territory), one that, according to spoilers, I would have ripped. It was good, though, to be able to watch Raw not having to worry about the column; it was just the wrong episode of Raw to try to enjoy (Fleabag and I talked for about twenty minutes on the inappropriateness of Ric Flair in a Ladder Match). Man, I even missed being able to celebrate Heidenreich’s release. However, I’m back now, and you may all cheer. Albeit, I’m late on this. Normally, Smackdown would get done on Saturday, but due to the situation, I’m not even starting this until Sunday afternoon. I hate doing that, I really do.

In fact, I’m doing something weird for me. I’m running Impact first. Why? Because I normally download a couple of different versions of Smackdown, and the second one, a better-quality one to get screen caps from, is almost completed. Well, there isn’t a football game I give a shit about, so I’ve got free time.

Just one political message here, if I can: Sunday is the 33rd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and if Dubbaya has his way, it’ll be the last. Let’s do something, anything, to stop that event from happening. A fetus is merely potential life, not actual life. Let Aristotle guide you instead of the abominable Religious Reich. If you want to pray, pray for the Good Guys to filibuster Alito.

Let’s do this thing, then…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Bobby Lashley over High-Quality Speaker Boy (Pinfall, Dominator): Oh, God, they start the damn show with an Angle Advancement Match. That certainly points things in the right direction, huh? I have no clue as to what they were going for here other than the Angle Advancement part between High-Quality Speaker Boy and Boogeyman. Did Lashley benefit in any way? No. Did High-Quality Speaker Boy benefit? Obviously not. The only person who seemed to benefit from this was Jillian Hall. Yeesh.

By the way, High-Quality Speaker Boy/Boogeyman at Royal Rumble? Oh, that’s going to be a wrestling clinic, won’t it?

Way to go on making Lashley look strong, guys

Matt Hardy over Fit Finlay (DQ, Failure To Obey Ref’s Instructions): Hardy was really on fire, wasn’t he? Why? Well, let’s play Connect The Dots. Finlay was responsible for training the women over the last five years. Lita’s slept with everyone she’s ever trained with. QED. Good reintro match for Fit, though. I just want to see him and Regal at Wrestlemania. That will be enough to make me happy. For now, I’ll be satisfied with him beating the shit out of Hardy and that terrific caught-in-the-ring-apron spot.

Oh, I’ve dreamed of this…

Mark Henry over Rey-Rey, Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, front powerslam): If you guessed that I ignored this one, give yourself a cookie. It was pre-ordained that Henry would win this, thus putting us again into an existential quandary about Angle being able to carry him to something watchable at Royal Rumble. Also, it keeps up the pretense that some in the IWC are buying about Rey-Rey winning the Rumble Match. Yes, he’s one of those half-dozen guys who could win it, but he won’t, because there’s no way in Hell that Vince will have Rey-Rey in a main event match at Wrestlemania. So disabuse yourselves of that notion post-haste (especially after that awful frog splash). In the meantime, I’ll just pretend I didn’t see this and move on.

Mark Henry demonstrating the extent of his wrestling skills

The Shane Twins over Brian Kendrick and Paul London (Pinfall, one of them pins Kendrick, double-team cross-armed powerslam): There is a substantial proportion of the audience who still remember Mike Bucci as Nova. This same proportion happens to remember Bill Alfonzo. This same proportion still remembers Fonzie’s behavior with a whistle. This same proportion still wants to stick that whistle up Fonzie’s ass. In other words, Bucci’s anus is treading on pretty thin ice here.

London and Kendrick demonstrate what tag-team cooperation is all about

Hell, put these three guys into that Team Spirit gimmick

Randy Orton over Orlando Jordan, Perhaps A Proxy US Title Match, Perhaps Not (Pinfall, RKO): Naptime. I did wake up in time for Benoit’s run-in, though. I’ll pay attention next week when Our Lord and Savior beats the living shit out of Orton, I promise.

Yes, we’re incredulous that you’re having this match too

Kurt Angle over Shawn Daivari (DQ, Melina-ference): Ah, Haley is so right when he says stuff about The Little Things. Here was a little thing that they missed: they had an opportunity to do something with Daivari and blew it. Here’s how I would have booked this, in order to get the same intended result, namely Henry beating down Angle: Melina distracts the ref (it was Korderis, so that wouldn’t take much). Henry beats the shit out of Angle on the outside, rolls him in, and lets Daivari get the pin. Continue with the beatdown at that point. Now, what does that do? Very simple. It doesn’t weaken Angle, since the whole intent of this match was the Henry beatdown. However, it does allow Daivari to brag to Teddy that he has a pinfall victory over Angle and deserves a title shot. Teddy gives him a title shot, but it’s against Kid Kash for the cruiserweight title (Daivari was announced at 190, so weight limit doesn’t come into play). Play that one as you like it, but it puts Daivari on the road to a face turn and in the cruiserweight division, which is where he belongs. It’s simple, really. Better than him being stuck with Mark Henry.

Fear the Power of the Purple Pants!

Angle Developments:

Reusing Some Already-Performed Work: In order not to totally lose everything I did last week, here’s the comments I wrote about Angle winning the title:

Well, let’s deal with the result first. The Joe In Me returns with a very valid question: if this was going to go down, why the hell not do it in a more logical fashion, namely have Angle win the Elimination Chamber and Edge cash in Money In The Bank to enter the Battle Royal (remember, MITB was supposed to be a shot at the belt that’s now on Smackdown)? Yes, it definitely would have been more logical that way. However, the jury was still out on Batista until Monday, which is when everyone decided that he’d have surgery and he’d be out. So the timing was wrong.

Was the result wrong? No. Angle deserved another shot with a world strap, and I’m glad he got it. No matter how things got to this point, this development does lessen my anger toward the bullshit result of the Elimination Chamber match. It also assists in overcoming the massive inertia both world title scenes developed. Within 48 hours, both world straps transitioned from faces to heels…or at least we think so. God knows if Angle’s a heel right now or not. But right now, both straps are on guys who can do something with them, at least until Wrestlemania.

This also guarantees two things: 1) A face will win the Royal Rumble and 2) that face will be John Cena…

…yes, I know he’s in a title match at Royal Rumble, you whiny little bitches. Now listen carefully, for I can say this only once: the WWE title match will take place prior to the Rumble match. Cena will lose in some dastardly fashion, like Lita whipping out her tit again or something. Cena will then go to Vince and demand a place in the Rumble match. Vince will acquiesce. Cena will enter the Rumble and win. Now, do you have that straight? Good.

So, Cena will win the Rumble match. Now, they can really play teasy-weasy on who he’s going to face at WM. He has issues with Edge. He has issues with Angle. They can play the Prevarication Game a lot easier than they did last year with DAVE. In fact, they can more heavily tease a move to Smackdown because Smackdown currently has a GM who can blandish Wigger into coming aboard while Raw has no one. They can’t resist this little ploy. It worked pretty well last year, and they’re creatures of habit in “creative”.

What else can we learn from this? A lot of people are jumping the gun and saying that Henry’s going to get the Kevin Nash Blowjob Push this year during the Rumble match. No, I don’t think so. I think this was his blowjob push. You want a candidate? Try the other scary-looking black guy on the Smackdown roster. Bobby Lashley really helped put Henry over, and looked good during their solo stint. Plus, he’s a rookie who they want to get up to at least US title level quickly. So, expect him to eliminate at least eight guys during the Rumble match.

Otherwise, I have no real complaints. It was an effective way to get out of a big jam. The only disappointment, though, is that it put in stark relief exactly how shoddy the build-ups of guys on Smackdown have been. Yes, we’ve all been complaining about that for months, but now everyone gets their noses rubbed in it. I hope that some illusions were sandpapered off the eyeballs of people out there. You should listen to your IWC pundits more often. We’re usually right. Me, I’m always right.

(In fact, John Farris built a really good case in an e-mail to me that I’m the one who gave Steph the idea to get gravid. Dunno, John, but I know they read me. Oh, yes, they do.)

Fortunately, they did the Angle Victory Walk backstage to allow me to reuse this material. Good for me. And my mind hasn’t changed one bit in the intervening week, despite the fact that they’re booking Angle as a face (or possibly a tweener).

To hell with Rey-Rey. I want to know what Matt Hardy and Pat Patterson were doing together.

Well, Animal does need a new partner, so why not Funaki? Can you imagine Funaki in the LOD facepaint?

Oh, make this match for the title, please…

Kid Kash’s expression just screams “I’m glad I’m not involved in this shit”

Celebrations Turned Sour: Yes, Booker has the right, nay, the duty, to do a celebratory promo. But, really, how celebratory is it when the obligatory interruption is by Orlando Jordan? Isn’t Jordan too much of a lost cause at this point? Well, he does have an attention-getting angle coming up, so I guess this might be the best way to reintroduce him to a little prominence.

Must…resist…making…golden…showers…joke…

Compared to what he’s been through, the bisexual angle’s going to be paradise for Jordan

Someone’s getting punished for mispronouncing “Brisbane” again (I downloaded the Australian feed, which featured a pimp promo by Mark Henry; what did we do to the Aussies to piss them off like this?); oh, yeah, Cole mispronounced it too, four times in less than five seconds.

Long’s amazed that Daivari’s going batshit in English for a change

Move, move, move that merch!

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Chris Sabin and Sonjay Dutt over David Young and Elix Skipper (Pinfall, Dutt pins Young, Hindu Press): So, with TNA in dire need of tag teams with some credibility, and with the Diamonds coming close to reaching that point despite not having the greatest of records, what do they do? Job them again to a pair of thrown-together high-level X Division guys. You know, if the Diamonds had scored a win against competition of the caliber of Dutt and Sabin, it might have done something good for them, like give the ex-Dudleys someone else to play with for a while after they get the titles at That Phil Collins Song. But, no, they can’t do anything that eclipses AMW at this point, can they?

I don’t think that any of the four guys in this match came out with any credit in terms of the general booking. Good but short match, though.

Consider the house cleaned

On his way to the Impact Zone, Chris Sabin was kidnapped by marauding hairdressers and forced at gunpoint to get a frost job and highlights. That’s the explanation he’s giving, anyway.

Petey Williams, Eric Young, and Alastair Rouse over Ron Killings, Shark Boy, and Lance Hoyt (Pinfall, Williams pins Shark Boy, Canadian Destroyer): Another commentary gem from The Idiot Don West here. Speaking of Shannon Moore, he said, “It’s time for him to get his upcomings.” That isn’t even a word (unless you’re using it as the plural of “upcoming”, which isn’t even a noun). The proper term is “comeuppance”. And Flea likes this guy?

Oh, the match…well, Savory Steak Sauce Boy was involved, so that automatically meant that there was an inferior Team Canada in there. Roode was there; he was involved in the Team Canada eight-man that was taped for Xplosion. So there was no excuse for exposing us to Rouse…oh, wait, there was. I remembered that imbecilic match that Roode and Killings had on Impact recently. Better Roode be kept away from anything involving Killings until the memory of that subsides. Now, as to the other side of that combo…oh, poor Ron. You know, K-Kwik was definitely a guilty pleasure, so I’ve been predisposed to him for a long time. Between this kind of stuff and 3LK, though, I wonder what the price of the success that he’s had has been. This kind of extended psychological trauma can’t be good for the guy. Fortunately, I have some good recommendations on anti-depressants that I can give him should he need it.

Despite Canada’s recent lifting of its ban on sex clubs, Eric Young still thinks there’s a time and a place for this kind of stuff

Those marauding hairdressers have got to be stopped, now

Let’s face it, it was a bad week for marine mammals

Road Hogg and Monty Sapp, Together Again, over Kenny King and Buck Quartermain (Pinfall, Monty pins King, Missouri Boat Ride (oh, God…)): “He’s the K to the I to the pizzle,” Road Hogg? Yep, Monty’s a pizzle, but not in the way that you mean. Monty, being a former rodeo guy, certainly knows the alternate meaning.

Well, folks, we asked for this. Of course, we asked for this months ago, and they delayed and delayed and delayed until such time as no one gave two shits. This should have been a nostalgia mark-out moment, as much as Sting was at the PPV. Instead, it was a damp squib. The reason for this falling apart was clear to everyone: it was teased so much that when it happened, it was an anti-climax (and it certainly didn’t help that it occurred in the midst of an angle that everyone was long sick of). Add the fact that the Big Reunion Match was against jobbers, and it turned into a big pile of nothing. This match made things obviously clear. TNA knows what they’re doing in regard to the X Division, but anywhere else and they’re completely clueless.

This cluelessness has put them into a trap. In order to keep heat on NAO Reformed, they’re going to have to get the titles soon. But the ex-Dudleys are standing in front of them, with the crowd salivating for them to get the straps. Therefore, the chances of them pissing this nostalgia trip away are pretty high. Contrast this to what happened on Smackdown last year. Yes, giving the tag belts to Animal and Heidenreich was cynical. However, there was a concrete purpose behind it (namely to push DVD sales), and it showed a glimmer of direction in its execution. It also had the side benefit of keeping MNM, their major tag asset, fresh. WWE’s mistake was not in giving the Legion of Dumb the tag straps; it was the fact that they held them for too long. As a result, Heidenreich lost heat and direction, and that led to his release last week. Now TNA is stuck in a similar bind. NAO Reformed’s value is in nostalgia; nostalgia has a shelf life. How do they get this to pay off?

(By the way, Shaffer’s put the nix on using LAX, which I agree with. In that spirit, I’m not going to use the James Gang out of respect for Joe Walsh, and I hope that everyone follows my lead.)

The experiment to create Frankenstein’s Ass Man was a success

Shannon Moore over A. J. Fuckin’ Styles (Pinfall, rollup): Now I’m starting to wonder about whether or not they know what they’re doing in the X Division. They’re teasing Daniels/Styles, but they already have Joe/Styles booked for That Phil Collins Song. More and more, the bitchings of the Young Blood in the X Division are becoming more and more like a prophecy fulfilled. How long can they keep trotting out variants of Joe/Styles/Daniels until the audience becomes bored? Now, that’s not an imprecation toward the obvious skills that those three have (right now, it looks like Joe/Styles/Daniels will end up as the top three, in that order, on Willside’s 2006 list, and I wouldn’t complain if they did that), but they need a little fresh air. They have a half-dozen guys in the X Division who are worthy of pushes to the title mix right now other than The Trinity (You want names? Okay: Sabin, Dutt, Aries, Shelley, Bentley, and Williams). If they maintain the log jam and if WWE gets their heads out of their collective asses, there could be competition in the future.

“I’m gonna have to job to WHO?”

Taking a stage-dive with no audience to break the fall is so punk

Alex Shelley too? Will no one stop those marauding hairstylists?

Give credit to A. J. for altering the standard Pillmanize spot

No credit to Moore, though

In tribute to Lance Storm, Moore makes A. J. feel Testicle Ecstacy

Regarding this show and the projections for That Phil Collins Song, I seem to hear a voice from beyond the grave…

Angle Developments:

Logasm: Exactly how difficult is it to create a logo for a PPV? I am not an artistically-inclined person, yet I know that if I was plopped in front of a computer with Photoshop, a stocked Adobe Font Folio, and a browser window open to Google Image Search, I could come up with something servicable in about a half hour. So, with the ability to hire graphics professionals (or second them from Panda’s PR department), what does TNA come up with for That Phil Collins Song? This:

(The inclusion of Joe’s face in the spade isn’t in the main logo, but it’s so damn silly that I had to include this crop.)

Are you f*cking serious? There’s a lesson to be learned here, and that lesson is simple: never, EVER, hire a tattoo artist and/or someone who’s done metal album covers to do a PPV logo.

If Daniels wants to complain about the bullshit ending to the X Division title match at Final Resolution, he should yell at the bookers, not A. J.

Please don’t tell me this was the real reason they hired her

Okay, let’s close this sucker and get on with our lives, shall we? See you Tuesday, computer problems notwithstanding.