YOU SHOULD WATCH RAW…
OR READ…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E !
Joining us tonight is:
Joel ‘Chris’ Hodgkins
Mike ‘Hernandez’ Nelson
Crrroooo ‘Jen’ ooooW!
Tom ‘Bill’ Servo
and your host.. Doctor Clayton ‘Jamie’ Forrester.
Once again, Timothy Wan’s fantastic ideas brings us the Wan Files.. this week, we go for another of the secondary Rabble folk. A man whom I’ve known longer than even Eric. He has been knownst to me by many names, and has the dryest wit I’ve ever encountered in a human being. He is… CHRIS!
NAME: Chris
AGE: 29
NICKNAMES: DC, Burnt Spoon, or just plain Spoon
FAVORITE MOVIE: Flash Gordon, Rad, Temple of Doom
FAVORITE BANDS: The Bosstones, Alice In Chains, Misfits
FAVORITE WRESTLER: Steve Austin
FAVORITE WRESTLING MOMENT: The Montreal Screwjob
FAVORITE BAD GIMMICK: Val Venis
LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER: Chris Masters
FAVORITE MOVE: The 3-D
ANY WORDS TO SAY CHRIS?: Be excellent to one another.
Now let’s get to the show…
We start with a promo for Edge! Nice Hollywood movie trailer theme.. it was really good.. honest!
To start the show though, he is the World Wrestling Federation Champion… EDGE!
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Angle 3:16 – Jesus Tapped … YES!
Tonight a mystery partner tag match – so they show them with two sillouette characters.
“How do they both get Shelton?” – Bill
Lena grabs the mic and gags… intentional or not, it’s kind of amusing.
“Coming soon to a Wrestlemania near you…. the WWE Champion Edge!” – Lita
“You’ve seen the trailer–” – Edge
“–it’s where I live!” – Hernandez
“–down byyy the river” – Bill
“–and you know I am a real champion!” – Edge
“He’s the world champion and he’s still whining!?” – Bill
“That’s kind of his bit” – Me
“Get me a blankie get me a title shot get me a cookie” – Bill
“I’m not going to become a walking joke.. like Ric Flair. Then again, Ric’s not really walking is he?” – Edge
“He’s sauntering..” – Bill
“You want want Ric Flair all you want…” – Edge
“..you are only getting me!” – Bill
“I am so proud that Ric Flair will NOT be here tonight. Not only will he not be here, he will never get a title match again! I beat you last week, so you go to the back of the line. DOn’t worry Ric, because pretty soon —” – Edge is stopped by the ‘We Want Flair’ chant.
“Can’t we just restart and give Triple H the championship” – Hernandez
“STOP THAT! NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!” – Me
Edge then references John Cena and his rematch clause at the Rumble.
“Who?” – Bill
He tells the fans after Cena loses, they’ll have to hitch themselves to a new bandwagon… and after that.. he and Lita are gonna—
Hey! John Cena is here! Time to catch penis and gay references!
“..i just can’t quit you..” – Bill
“Not gay references by YOU!” – Me
“I got myself a bootleg copy of Edge’s movie… To The Edge… so I’m gonna drop some shots so you people can go see this thing. It’s a classic story.. boy.. meets… ho. She’s not just a regular ho. She’s a magical red-headed ho!” – Cena
“Aww she’s sad..” – Bill
“She’s magically delicious” – Hernandez
Cena then goes on and references Lita as a Ho in various ways.
“Jim Duggan’s coming down for copyright infringement..” – Me
“So the boy goes to Miami… the Royal Rumble… the single biggest moment in his career. The lights. The world. He stands in the middle of the ring and process to take the worst ass kicking of his entire life.” – Cena
Just like I call it, Cena references Jim Duggan!?!?
“In one day, the boy goes from rated R – to rated G” – Cena
“G for Gimp? And Grandma!” – Bill
G apparantly means Gonnorhea… and Lita takes the mic and sucks on it. Cena makes fun of Edge and says he’s going to give the audience a preview tonight as well…
“MY new music video” – Bill
“…of the Royal Rumble.” – Cena
“Where he will also dress up like someone from the eighties” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – but coming up next is Kane versus Carlito?
“Why?” – Me
“Big red machine versus the shiny red apple.” – Bill
“So.. not to start with the most bang up show..” – Me
“What it’s only 9:15.. we still got like.. a half hour..” – Bill
Hey there goes the pyro! It’s Kane! And Carlito!
KANE vs. CARLITO
Just cuz…
We get a sample of what happened last week where Kane tosses Carlito out of the ring. We forgot about that!
Kane starts with a clothesline that gets ducked, but gets caught and tossed into the corner by Kane. Carlito ducks out of a big fist and after a few fists to Kane’s face he gets tossed to the center of the ring. Then thrown into the corner, some big slaps from Kane, and a choke.
Kane tosses him to the corner, charges in and eats an elbow – Carlito leaps to the turnbuckle and hits the missle dropkick, and Carlito is all over Kane. Pin for two. Reverse neckbreaker from Carlito and then kicks and stomps – but Kane gets one hit in and a big boot.
“Tell me Carlito isn’t going to win…” – Bill
“He might.. affirmative action.” – Hernandez
Kane now on the top, a couple big clotheslines, tease for the chokeslam.
“I didn’t realize they were showing Heat live again” – Hernandez
“They are.. at midnight.. in Japan” – Me
Carlito gets out and hits his Carlito backbreaker and then a springboard somersault senton… for two… I call it a corkscrew. Carlito gets two and then hits the top rope… caught into the chokeslam but he thumbs the eye! Carlito bails – grabs a chair and Kane boots the chair, but Carlito bounces the rope annnnndDQ CITY!
“And Kane sitting up in…. 3…. 2…. 1….” – Bill
Carlito bails and that’s that.
WINNER: KANE by DQ
In the back Lita and Edge are discussing their partner… but he might need some persuasion… so Lita should go do what she… ya know.. does..
“Not that thing with the fist?” – Hernandez
So Lita agrees and goes to it… into Big Show’s dressing room where Edge puts his ear to the door.
“WHY IS HE LISTENING TO THIS!?!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – Ok after two commercial breaks we are in accordance with the suck prophecy. The elder suck gods have given us a teat in which we all shall continue to …. well …. suck.
S is for the stupid promos at the beginning
U is for the urine in which we watch
C is for the Carlito
K is for the Kane
What does that spell… The last half hour of television.
Now back to Raw…
“That was the most enjoyable part of the night.. right there” – Hernandez
“I’m saying everything I type – Jamie” (actually Bill)
In the back… Lita is hanging on Big Show… massaging his shoulder… rubbing his chest… she then crawls across his chest.
“Now throw gummybears at his nipples!” – Me
Lita takes off her top and in comes Edge…
“AWK-WARD!” – Me
“That’s not awkward… that’s beautiful.” – Chris
Edge then tricks out Lita. Show denies Edge to be his partner.
In the back…. Trish is stretching, and she’s wearing a cute lil gypsy top! Mickey enters wearing her own version… a tough choices, but I gotta say that Trish so far is winning the award tonight. Mickey begins crying since Trish is tagging up with Ashley tonight. Mickey seemingly snaps and wipes her eyes and explains that it’s ok, Trish is going to do what she wants to do.. then leaves in a passive aggressive rage.
“That’s like every ex girlfriend I’ve ever had…” – Me
COMMERCIAL – Next Trish & Ashley vs. Candice & Victoria
S is for the Show denying Edge
U is for the underwire bras
C is for Candice whose up next
K is for the …god damnit it… not enough K words…
“Just take his word for it.. it sucks..” – Hernandez
We’re back and Coach is discussing the one spot that is free from Royal Rumble is left… is going to none other than… the Coach! Then Lawler gets upset…
“Did Lawler get some Botox? He looks shiny..” – Dani
“He just buffed it out…” – Bill
So Lawler says HE wants to be in the Royal Rumble.
“Couldn’t they have done this during the commercial break?” – Hernandez
“The Burger King guy should be in the Royal Rumble” – Dani
“The mask would come off” – Chris
“And then he would be dishonored…” – Me
“what mask?” – Dani
So they decide on having a qualifying match….
So in the ring is Victoria and Candice already… and DAMMIT CANDICE WINS AGAIN!!!! A black bodicey thing and red fishnets… dammit! And here comes Ashley and Trish..
“Although I would say that they win in their non-trashiness” – Dani
Ashley does look adorable in her camo and half shirt. Oh I think we are ALL winners tonight really….
TRISH & ASHLEY vs. CANDICE & VICTORIA
Eight boobies… that’s all we need to know
Match starts with Victoria and Ashley. Ashley elbows Victoria
“right in the adam’s apple” – Chris
Ashley hits the ropes and rolls Victoria up for two.. hits a legsweep and tags in Trish. They do the tag elbow on Victoria and they botch an irish whip!?!? Eeee… Tossed into the corner. Victoria elbows. Trish runs back in and tosses Victoria to the ring.. Leg Drop… and a tag to Ashley and Trish picks up Ashley and kicks Victoria.. and Candice who runs in.
“As they walk into her feet.” – Chris
On second look.. Candice wins.. Victoria drops Ashley and a tag to Candice. Vic picks Candice up and drops her onto Ashley, tosses her into the corner and snapmares her down. Drops a knee and tags in Victoria who leaps over the top rope and lands on her ass.
“awww she’s sitting on her penis..” – Bill
Ashley rolls for the tag and Trish runs in and hits chops onto Ashley.. BIG standing dropkick from Trish, hits Candice who was climbing the turnbuckle… big clothesline to Victoria.. Rana to Candice, and then a press to Victoria. Trish tags in Ashley and then leaps onto Candice out of the ring.. Ashley climbs to the top and flying crossbody onto Victoria for the win.
WINNERS: TRISH & ASHLEY
Hey, and here comes Mickey to attack Ashley!
“So for Royal Rumble… Mickey versus Ashley – love her or leave her match?” – Dani
Trish tosses out Mickey…
“And somehow Ashley is rendered defenseless right after winning her match” – Bill
So now in the back, Mama Shelton is cleaning up the lockerroom…
“Son.. always remember.. kill whitey” – Chris
Shelton explains that Shawn Michael’s called him a Mama’s Boy. They have a heart to heart.
“All Shawn’s Mama did is have a virgin birth.” – Me
“I want to see Shawn Michael’s Mama versus Shelton’s Mama in a TLC match” – Bill
“Mary won’t raise from the grave to do it..” – Dani
“The newest star of TNA… Shelton Benjamin..” – CHris
COMMERCIAL
S is for the Shelton’s Mama biiiitt
U is for the Underappreciated Shelton Benjamin
C is for the Candice botching spots
K is for the…
“Kick?” – Chris
“Heard round the world?” – Me
“Kick starts with K…” – Chris
“Kayfabe?” – Hernandez
“The King is on tv…” – Dani
K is for the King, Jerry Lawler
Out this week is Billy Graham’s DVD! We get a little retrospect on Billy Graham, and he’s in the audience. He looks damn good!
It’s now time for Shelton
“poor Shelton.. Why can’t he go against Angle for the belt?” – Dani
“Why don’t YOU go against Angle for the belt?” – Chris
“Oh.. I can..” – Dani
And here comes Jesus’ Personal Warrior… The TupperWarrior…
Shawn Michaels!
SHELTON vs. SHAWN
Mama Says No!
And if everything sucked tonight.. THIS SHOULD NOT SUCK!
o/“ No Chance….. that’s whatcha got o/“
“DAMMIT!” – Me
Here comes Vince to tell us – “If Shawn Michaels this match, then he will no longer in this Sunday’s Royal Rumble. Ring the bell.”
Nice technical armbar/hammerlock set-up. Back and forth they go…. Shelton elbows him and hits the rope to drop him. Hits the ropes and Shelton drops, roll-up and reversal from Shelton for two.
Lock up again and headlock from Shelton, headlock take over, and runs to the ropes.. Shelton goes to flip Shawn over, but hits on his back and another take down… Shawn tries to fight out of it.. pushes Shelton against the ropes but just sliiides down the ring. Shelton hits the corner again and this time lands on Shawn for a two count.
Shawn now gets the side headlock. He wrenches it in, and Shelton tosses Shawn to the ropes and Shawn drops him and Shelton kicks up. Shawn hits the ropes again, leapfrog but nobody’s there.. Shawn then chops him right on out of the ring. Shawn goes after Shelton who is getting preened upon by Shelton’s Mama. Back in the ring, Shelton hits the sideheadlock.
“It would be so neat if Shelton’s Mama just yells at Shawn til he just crawls in and cries in the ring and lets Shelton pin him.” – Dani
So Shawn throws Shelton to the ropes.. Shelton leaps to the top rope he flies.. SUPERKICK!! JUST LI– HE CATCHES IT! SHELTON CATCHES IT! Enziguiri! Shawn flies to the outside.
COMMERCIAL
S is the fact that Shelton and Shawn don’t suck
U is for the underutilized Shelton
C is for the Christ in which Shawn prays to
K is for the Kick that Shelton just caught…
Yeah, we don’t need it for this commercial break, but since nobody is really talking, I figure I needed to put in SOMETHING to keep you people interested.
We come back and Shawn is hanging upside down.
“The tree of woe” – Chris
“Good.. but he’s only kinda hanging.. it’s like the tree of huh?” – Me
So Shelton hits a HUGE suplex and puts in the chinlock. Shelton fights out of it and tosses Shawn to the ropes big samoan drop from Shelty for a two count. Shawn gets tossed to the ropes and eats a back body drop.
“Mama’s sweating” – Dani
“It’s pure butter” – Me
“It’s Marzipan… delicious” – Chris
They fight to the corner.. Shawn gets up on the turnbuckle and Shelton fights with him … Shawn pushes him out! Shelton has none of it.. he charges… SECOND ROPE! SHINING WIZARD ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! Shawn falls to the outside! HOLY SHIT that was a sweet spot!
COMMERCIAL – WHY IS THERE ANOTHER COMMERCIAL!?
S is for the second commercial break
U is for the unnecessariousness of the second commercial Break
C is for the COME ON WE WERE ENJOYING THAT MATCH
K is for the Karma… bitch.
“Kick to the side of the head” – Dani & Bill
“Back and to the left” – Hernandez
“For the record.. it’s called a shining wizard” – Me
“I knew that.. that’s my finisher on Smackdown versus Raw” – Bill
Back in the ring there flying fisticuffs.. Shelton tosses Shawn but Shawn hits the big neckbreaker! We get to see that shining wizard spot three more times.. awesome. Shawn now chops Shelton down and hits the crossbody. Nip up. Atomic drop. Two clotheslines. Bodyslam and Shawn is holding his back… but he climbs the turnbuckle with Shelton’s Mama right behind him… SHELTON LEAPS TO THE TOP AND SUPERPLEX!
“Oh I do believe… I have the vapors” – Bill
Shelton splashes into Shawn! He sets up for the T-Bone, but gets elbowed out of it.. he wraps around Shawn and hits a headlock kneedrop. Rope set-up. Shelton goes to kick…. Caught… SPINNING KICK AND SHELTON STILL GETS A PIN FOR TWO!
“I like that they put it on these two to save the entire show!” – Hernandez
Shelton charges Shawn again.. but Shelton ducks! Shawn drops Shelton and gets up again… he hits the top turnbuckle.. HE HITS THE ELBOW! Shawn is now in the corner tuning up the band. J E S U S C H – and Mrs. Benjamin will have none of that… Shelton runs up and rolls him over for the pin – BUT THE REF IS TALKING TO SHELTON’S MAMA!
Shawn rerolls it and the ref catches that one!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS
We get some bad satellite feed…
“Skynet…” – Bill
So in the back Edge is talking to.. SOMEONE.. in the back, and he’s talking to Triple H.
“Chops AND tie?! If I only was a woman..” – Roommate Randy
Trips says he’ll think about it.
COMMERCIAL
S is for the Shelton that should have won that.
U is for the …
“underwhelming ending.” – Dani
“It wasn’t underwhelming” – Bill
“Nah that was a fun match!” – Hernandez
C is for the chops on Trips that Randy loves so very much…
K is for
“the =K=all is =K=oming from the =K=house…” – Dani
“No.. K is always for the King.. the Burger King” – Dani
“Why is the king on the 49ers?” – Bill
“I don’t know, this is the longest game ever and he keeps getting touchdowns!” – Hernandez
“Touchdown.. on top of touchdown.. on top of touchdown..” – Me
In the back now it’s Shawn with Vince… Shawn wants to know why Vince has gone psycho on Vince.
“If I upset you that much .. I’m sorry.” – Shawn
“Jesus told me to” – Me
So Shawn tells Vince to do what he wants to do. Do what makes Vince happy.
“You know what makes me happy… rainbows and unicorns” – Dani
He explains that he is going to have fun by spending some money. As he’s got more money than everyone in the arena… more money than God. So he’s going to spend it on himself and send this business back ten.. twenty.. thirty…
“minutes” – Hernandez
..years. So he’s going back to sex, drugs, rock and roll. Not giving a damn about anyone and loving life. So he asks to see if Shawn wants to come with him… to join Vince in going back to where they belong.
Shawn says simply – No. Never.
“No?” – Vince
“..but thanks” – Bill
This disappoints Vince.
“I just can’t quit you” – Bill
Vince then explains that Shawn’s luck shall run out this Sunday at the Royal Rumble. He guaran-damn-tees it.
COMMERCIAL
S is for the short short period between commercials
U is for the unanimous need for more matches
C is for the Commercial I’m watching Right Now
K is Klouso… who Steve Martin is going to butcher in the Pink Panther remake.
We’re back with Coach in the ring. So King comes in from the table…
“Meat on top of Meat.. On top of.” – Bill
“Lame.” – Chris
COACH vs. LAWLER
Couldn’t Val Venis be on tv right now?
“Anyone could be” – Chris
Coach tosses Lawler to the ropes and checks him down for a two count.
Lockup and Coach throws Lawler to the corner.. he charges to Bronco Buster, but the King moves. A couple kicks to the Coach. Then a kick FROM the Coach and a set-up for a suplex… reversed from
S P I R I T S Q U A D?!?!?!?
“Please do a cheer” – Dani
1 2 3 S P I R I T S Q U A D!?!?!?!
“..and the point is what?” – Hernandez
The Spirit Squad watches outside and marches, chants, and you can hear every word they say.. as the audience is in a stunned stupor.
“They have mics on..” – Dani
“The crowd is filled with Ennui..” – Me
Lawler gets an airhorn tooted in his face, and Coach rolls him up with the tights… on the ropes… for the pin.
WINNER: COACH
Then the Spirit Squad run in and cheer the Coach.
“They’re sexy.. they’re cute.. they’re popular to boot.” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
“Don’t even spell anything.. just say Suck.. oh wait.. S U C K – Raw is getting really gay..” – Bill
“I liked it, but I like the Heartthrobs” – Dani
I’m with Dani.. I think Spirit Squad could be a funny bit.
No Suck spelling this round.
Back on the show.. Coach has no idea who the Spirit Squad is…
So now we’re getting a ‘second chance round’ to see who can get into the Rumble. Whomever wins gets in the Rumble.
In the ring is:
Garrison Cade
Rob Conway
Gregory Helms
and…
THE BIG SHOW!
So they all team up on Show. They get a leg over… Helms goes outside to pull his arm out, as Cade gets headbutted in and Helms gets THROWN out of the ring. Helms rolls out… Conway gets the fallaway slam. Cade gets headbutted and thrown… Conway also gets thrown… Helms hits the top rope and press slammed right out.
WINNER: THE BIG SHOW
“That should have been the opener… what?!” – Hernandez
HERE COMES THE GAAAAMMME….
“YES! This SHOULD have been the opener” – Hernandez
So Triple H declares that HE is going to win the Royal Rumble and he is not going to help Edge as he’s done with charity cases.
“He still doesn’t wear a suit as good as Dapper Dave” – Dani
He’s sick of having hangers on.. he’s sick of helping people get up to the top…
“So that’s what happened to DX” – Hernandez
The winner is going to be the ‘measuring stick of this industry’ – The Game. At Wrestlemania, the King of Kings goes back on his throne…
Show looks miffed.. peeved… a tad upset even.
In the back Edge is still upset as he doesn’t have a partner. In comes…. we don’t know… but Lita does, and now everyone is satisfied..
“She got a Snickers.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
S is for the stupid Battle Royal idea
U is for the Unknown Partner of Edge
C is for the Crippling of Gregory Helms
K is for …yeah.. K still sucks…
So now Edge is in the ring. And who is his partner?
“Him!?” – Me
“Why?!” – Hernandez
“He was happy about that?” – Bill
“That is a tag team partner” – The Coach
“No it’s not… that’s all gay!” – Dani
…chris masters….
“..why?” – Dani
“DAMMIT I MISSED IT! Powdered Toast Man!” – Bill
“It is pretty bad when people go for their sodas in the main event.” – Me
Now it’s time for John Cena…
“You know, I really like John Cena’s music.. then he comes out” – Dani
Now who is his partner. His partner is from right in Charlotte. His partner is a sixteen world heavyweight champion. His partner is
“A walking hemoglobin” – Hernandess
It’s Flair Country!
“If you combine the ages of Edge and Masters… it’s Flair” – Dani
“He’s already bleeding!” – Hernandez
CENA & FLAIR vs. EDGE & MASTERS
Woo!
And with the clock at 11pm – Cena is in the ring with Masters and the crowd is cheering ‘WE WANT FLAIR’ Cena tosses him into the ring and the huge suplex to Masters and the tag to Flair. He struts on in! He thrusts at Lita… and Masters throws him into the corner with big fists, chop to Masters – a whole slew of em and it’s deafning with ‘Woos!’
Back in the ring Masters throws Flair to the ropes… Edge tries to interrupt and gets hit. He tosses Masters tot he ropes, gets reversed and a press slam from Masters. Flair rolls out, and Edge suplexes the Nature Boy outside the ring. Masters suplexes Ric right back in the ring.
“He’s running on pure adrenaline” – Coach on Flair
“Adrenaline? He’s running on pure vicadin..” – Bill
A tag to Edge, some punching, a tag to Masters. Tossed to the ropes and a powerslam from Masters for a two count. Bearhug in the middle of the ring. Flair claps Masters ear a few times… hits the ropes and gets press slammed RIGHT down.
“I think Lawler just summed it up.. ‘oh no.. not this again” – Bill
Masters tags in Edge who leaps up to the top rope and leaps.. Flair moves and Edge lands face first on the mat. Edge gets to Masters.. Flair gets to Cena. Back bodydrop, and clotheslines to Edge, shoulder block, slams down Masters… goes for the FU on Edge, and Lita pulls him out and Masters gets the Masterlock in.
Flair charges in for the leg clip! Cena hits the FU! Then the STF! Masters taps!
“He didn’t even TRY breaking out of it!” – Hernandez
And that.. is that… what a set up for Royal Rumble.
S is for a sloppy setup to the Royal Rumble
U is for a underwhelming main event
C is for Cena who is sadly going to get the belt back
K is for
“killing the entire show…” – Jenna
So what did the Rabble think?
“Thumbs down..” – Chris
“Wasn’t much a show.. but I have a cup of salt, so it was worth the trip” – Bill
“I thikn they should have just taken a week off before the Rumble…” – Hernandez
“I thought they did.” – ME
“The Rumble is next week?” – Michael
“Suck.” – Jenna
And that, clearly is the one word that summarizes the entire damned show.
No clusterf*ck ending.
No real understanding of anything really…
Thank you all – and we’ll see you this sunday for The Rabble Rumble.
