On February 10, The Bootleg column will come to an end after a three-year run, first on 411Mania and then here on Inside Pulse. And, I can’t think of any better way to say “thank you” to my readers than to offer up the biggest giveaway in Bootleg histo-ray. One lucky reader will win a brand-new Apple iPod Nano! Details are at the bottom of The Goodness”¦along with pictures of an even better additional prize!
Welcome back to The Bootleg. OK, so here’s the thing”¦last week, I worked about 70 hours, which pushed this column back to Saturday afternoon. Truth be told, I wasn’t all that happy with the end result, but I promised myself that this week’s column would feature a concerted effort to finish up with the best three Bootlegs I’ve ever written.
Then, last Saturday night, Mrs. Bootleg threw some burgers on the grill.
But, behind this seemingly innocuous ground cow was something more sinister. Y’see, the night before, my wife had promised me the very same steamed hams for dinner. She’d thawed the meat on the kitchen counter all day then, after disappearing upstairs for several hours, came down to cook at around 8:00 PM.
It was actually pretty funny, as I could hear Mrs. Bootleg frantically typing away on the computer, then, suddenly, she stopped. It was as if she looked at the ubiquitous little clock in the lower right corner of the computer screen and realized she had forgotten”¦something. She pumped her little duck feet as fast as she could, sprinted downstairs and asked:
“Are you ready to eat?”
Now, before my four or five female fans rake me over the same hot coals that weren’t cooking my dinner last Friday, let me say that I could’ve just as easily done dinner duty. And, I know how tired she must’ve been after working, on average, about 3 more hours a day than our cat and Kid Cameron, combined.
As for me, spite superseded my appetite, so I told her it was “too late” to eat. I even served up a side of “guilt sauce”, when I made sure she saw me nuking a thimble full of our son’s kid-sized Kraft Dust n’ Macaroni for dinner.
So, on Saturday, I had my long-awaited mock Whopper.
And, as of this writing, my stomach hasn’t been the same since.
I’ll spare you guys the goriest details, but among my symptoms that aren’t too taboo to bring up: stomach cramps, loss of appetite, nausea and a crazy lethargic sluggishness that, to date, has only been seen in healthy bruthas down in The Bayou.
The wife insists it’s stomach flu, but I wonder”¦ Neither she nor the boy had any of Bootleg Burgers that she grilled up, which sat for 12 hours outside the fridge before spending another full day in it. Was this, in fact, simple salmonella or could she have access to some expensive chemical technology that would make me violently ill for a few days?
Kind of like those “sick sticks” in Tom Cruise’s Minority Report or just sitting through the third act of Tom Cruise’s Minority Report. It’s called film editing, Mr. Spielberg, and it would’ve really added some zip to Schindler’s List.
Normally, you can spell Immodium AD without “Goodness””¦just, not this week.
Como se Dice “Crap” en Español?
Jennifer Lopez has kept a relatively low profile since her and Red Sox Nation spokesman Boston Ben Affleck broke up. Sure, sure”¦she homewrecked Marc Anthony’s marriage and starred in Pretty Woman 2: This Time, She (sic) A Maid!, but nothing that’s been Goodness-worthy, y’know?
Well, apparently, she has a production company that’s planning to explore the reggaeton genre.
For those that don’t know, reggaeton is basically the played-out sound of everyday reggae mixed with Latin American influences, such as mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish and mango-lime salsa. Sharp-eared readers will note that this is the kind of bold flavor they’ve always enjoyed in”¦Albuquerque! Anyways, a screenplay is already in place. Here’s the plot summary featured in the press release:
“Rob, a 21-year-old from the South Bronx, NY dreams of making it big in Hip Hop. A run-in with local thugs, however, forces him to leave New York to hide with his father in Puerto Rico. There, he discovers love and reggaeton, and with the help of his half-brother, who is a DJ, becomes a star of the burgeoning genre. But, when a corrupt music producer “discovers” Rob and offers him a record deal that brings him back to New York, a new conflict threatens his romance and his budding career.”
Holy sh*t. Seriously, I would leave work early just to reserve one of the two copies sure to be available at Blockbuster next Tuesday. And, please tell me that Luis Guzman is available to play the “corrupt music producer”. He looks so out of place on those I Love the ’80s specials”¦I half-expect the camera to pull back so we can see him on an old cord phone behind six inches prison-escape proof glass.
And, how ’bout that plot? Don’t the first two sentences read like the opening credits of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Even Trick Daddy Don’t Return Her Calls
Anyone remember Jacki-O, the one-hit wonder from two summers ago who dropped Nookie on an unsuspecting and will-listen-to-anything public?
Well, according to the Miami Herald, the Nookie has run dry. Angela “Jacki-O” Kohn has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Admittedly, broke-ass rapper stories aren’t exactly newsworthy, especially since MC Hammer raised the bar so high that no one could touch”¦ What? Fine, I’ll go another direction.
Court papers filed by Kohn reveal that she’s declared debts totaling $144,225 and assets in the amount of”¦$1,340? Now, I happen to be privy to at least one Black woman’s bank account and I wanna know how much of Kohn’s assets aren’t tied up in press-on nails and her baby daddy’s bail? Was there even enough left for a bus pass or does she just call (collect) one of Miami’s surplus of untalented acts, when she needs a ride?
My favorite part of this story, besides everything about it, is the list of creditors she owes, including the IRS, Verizon cellular phone and Bally’s Total Fitness. Them ring tones will kill you, bitch. But, I guess they sounded good when your phone went off during those twice-a-week 10-minute treadmill marathons.
Wait”¦I take that back”¦my favorite thing here is the following quote from Jacki-O, herself, on how she got into this mess:
Kanye Fears Grimlock
Have you seen the latest issue of Rolling Stone? Kanye West captures the cover”¦and controversy!
Yep, that’s Kanye Christ and he has died for our sins. Inside this month’s RS cover story, Kanye dismisses his competition at the upcoming Grammy Awards, talks about his political views and details his self-described addiction to pornography.
OK”¦at what point to do people stop putting cameras and microphones in this guy’s face? He’s not “controversial”, he’s “consistent”. He says variations of the same shocking things in every interview. So, he has no time for President Bush, but all day for the online, um”¦adult kind? That’s not “daring”, it’s the Democratic Party.
Kanye West is essentially “Terrell Owens, Registered Voter”.
And, does anyone still consider Rolling Stone magazine and its 2 feet-by-3 feet publication size to be anything more than a dinosaur in this digital age? I imagine the Dinobots suffered through the same uncertainty during filming of Transformers: The Movie. The scripts and the storyline were set 20 years in the future, but they were all expected to speak in their same stilted prehistoric speech, like an in-studio Shannon Sharpe.
Apparently, there aren’t any Autobots whose “function” is phonics.
Feets Don’t Fail Me Now
Why am I just now finding out that Master P has been on ABC’s insipid Dancing with the Stars, all season?
I managed to catch him last night and I urge everyone to follow suit. It was like watching NASCAR with an actual Negro onscreen and a guaranteed car crash that no one would survive. Except, P isn’t only surviving”¦he’s been steadily advancing week after week and the show’s fans are crying “OMG, foul”.
Much like American Idol, the viewers get to vote on their favorite performances and P’s pulling them in from somewhere. In fact, the show’s fans are convinced that because he’s a “big rap star” that his followers are stuffing the virtual ballot box, as it were.
Um, didn’t Eric Bischoff make the exact same mistake, with the exact same man five or six years ago?
“Master P, rap sensation” ran on the independent campaign ticket for about five months, in late 1997 and early 1998. He was soundly defeated by DMX in the ’98 primaries and, just five minutes ago, garnered less support than the Lord Tariq n’ Peter Gunz conglomerate. This is just plain and simple ballot box sabotage, kids.
Imagine if the worst dancer on earth actually wins this thing. It’d be like “William Hung, American Idol” or “Tommy ‘The Machine’ Gunn, Heavyweight Champion”. And, I’m told Hung had a better soundtrack.
Although, not by much.
General Haberdashery
No Jeff Fernandez. No Mathan Erhardt. No Shawn M. Smith. It’s officially down to me and Mike Eagle, people. And, I think we all remember the last time a certain segment of the pop-culture landscape went all (411)Black, right? Now, let’s never speak of this again.
Open Mike continues his streak of magnificence on Mondays. I’ve received several e-mails over the years that start out: “I don’t even like rap, but I still read you.” Then, read Mike, too. I guarantee you’ll be feeling this week’s piece on growing older, while holding on to your music.
Comics Mathan gets a rare pimp, if only because earlier this week, the Modest One referred to himself (himself) as one of the zone’s main draws. Of course, it’s true, but who knew Craig David had an ego? Anyways, I make a guest appearance that includes the author’s inability to detect my sarcasm (“10-year-plan”). It’ll make less sense even after you read it.
IP Sports has shown me love several times and I never get a chance to reciprocate. We’ve got ourselves a slew of new talent covering every beat on the block. And, with all those metaphors I just mixed, I think now is as good a time as any to wrap up this portion of the links.
J.A.M. = the fourth in a line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
(The lack of new material has apparently affected my comrades in J.A.M., as well.)
J is for Movie Joe Reid. Last night, we were online and I inquired about this issue. His response will shock you:
That Bootleg Guy: So busy at work that I haven’t had time to see you not update the blog.
Movie Joe Reid: Hey, I’ve got seventeen damn hours of American Idol on my hands. You and the rest of my readers can go to hell.
And, look”¦Joe does have something new at Television Without Pity! He’s reviewing the American Idol auditions and if that doesn’t compel you to click that link”¦well, then I’ve got nothing else. Oh, did I mention he’s got pics from Paula Abdul’s 1994 Penthouse photo shoot?
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. I just put “Remote Destination” and “Mathan” into Google and came up with this column first. It’s from January 2005 and notable because Math states that “Charlie (from ABC’s Lost) can take a punch.” HAW! Math also says he’s “about done with Desperate Housewives“. Christ, this is straight retroactive comedy. Finally, he suggests I shave my head. Eh, maybe tomorrow.
Junk Mail
Quick summary of the feedback to last week’s column: Californians don’t know what REAL cold is, this “end of the Bootleg” stuff is all a swerve and”¦
Is it wrong that the thought of your petite little wife getting blown through the back of her car due to an exploding airbag made me laugh out loud? Her fear should be that once the column ends, you won’t need her around for material anymore. Someone might want to alert the police.
David C.
Why”¦that’s”¦that’s crazy talk. Besides, she’s got three years of “material” to use in our eventual divorce proceedings and if my insults over the years help hasten things along”¦
===
So, it really gets down to the LOW 30s in Cali, Cam? Wow, what a rough “Evans Family existence” y’all must be suffering through out there. By noon, it’s back to 72 and the locals can enjoy their packed salads on a park bench in the middle of “winter”.
Gregg E.
Hell, even I mocked my state’s low tolerance for “low” temperatures. If I could only remember where it was”¦oh, yeah”¦in last week’s column.
===
Just ignore the guaranteed flames, Aaron. It was f*ckin’ cold last week. I work third shift out at Metro over in Chatsworth and since they don’t allow us to smoke inside anymore, six of us have to huddle together with only the warm glow of our lit cigarettes to heat us up. After a certain temp, cold is just cold. It’s like how athletes don’t know there’s NO difference between 9 and 10 million. 30 degrees might as well be 0 degrees.
A.J.
Whoa, whoa, whoa”¦ I’ve been in both and trust me, the difference between 30 and zero is, well, 30 degrees. I don’t want to be outside in either environment, but at 30 degrees, my hands still have feeling in the event I have to pee outside, behind a tree or something. At zero”¦accidents, my friend. And, more than once.
===
Are we ever going to get an explanation as to why That Bootleg Guy is abandoning Fridays and leaving us all to find our own funny? Please tell me you’re not saving your “evil villain explains his plan” piece for your final column. If you get hit by a bus before then, we’ll never know. Think about it.
Paul B.
Yikes. The readers have gotten a wee bit, um, anxious for the exposition piece. And, I was going to tell you people everything this week, but thanks to Paul BARONE from the University of PENNSYLVANIA, you’ll all have to wait two more weeks. If you see him on campus, you can thank him your”¦wait a tic. I’ve got Ivy League readers? I mean, I know it’s just Penn, but still”¦!
===
So, can we assume that you’re not going to be burning any bridges on your way out of the IP doors? After three years of sharing screen time with dozens and dozens of self-important net scribes, I was sure you’d have dirt to dish. Well, if you’re not going to go all “Hit ‘Em Up” on everyone, how about digging into that Junk Mail feedback and compiling your most Frequent Asked Questions? Your “mail” section was one of my favorite parts of the ‘Leg and I have to believe that not everyone wrote in to tell you that your Westside Connection review sucked.
José R.
A Bootleg FAQ? Um, it probably doesn’t get anymore self-important than that, Jose. Therefore, I’ll do it next week.
===
You’re running out of time”¦we still need our last Joe Reid and Nicka Please collabos. Is it still going to happen or are you waiting for when the three of you debut at your new website, which debuts the day after The Bootleg ends?
Michael S.
Next Week: It’s me and Joe”¦and a pop-culture draft.
In 2 Weeks: It’s me and Nick”¦and the final M*thaf*ckas Who Need They Ass Kicked List.
So, here’s the deal”¦one Bootleg reader will win an unopened, unused, brand spankin’ new iPod Nano. That’s 2GB, 500 songs, retail value $199. All you have to do is answer four questions, spread out over the next four weeks, relating to anything I’ve ever written in The Bootleg.
Continuing this week, I’m running a question in this space. Don’t send me the answer to this or any subsequent questions until all FOUR questions have been posted here! I don’t wanna hear from any of you until January 27 now, when the fourth n’ final question will appear.
You now have a week to send in ALL the answers in ONE email. No more entries will be accepted after the February 3 edition of The Bootleg is posted and up on IP. The reader with the most points wins. Tiebreaker to be determined, if necessary. Inside Pulse writers ain’t eligible. Winner to be announced in last column on February 10!
AND, I’m throwing in a limited-edition (cough) “I Read The Bootleg” T-Shirt to the winner, as well. Be the envy of no one, as our male model demonstrates, by telling everyone that you”¦read”¦me. Through the magic of our IP technology, the “read” sounds like present tense through February 10 and then changes to past tense (same spelling!) for every day, thereafter. On the back is one of my inappropriate quotes from an old column, which is guaranteed to offend. Yours will be different and less, um, “wordy”.
(Thanks to Widro, Matthew Michaels and their NY street corner connections for making my own T-Shirt a sweatshop reality”¦)
This Week’s Question”¦worth four points total (one point for each you can name): Over the lifetime of The Bootleg, name all FOUR short-lived novelty writing nicknames used for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers in the General Haberdashery segment.
Week Three’s Question”¦worth three points: In the first-ever MFWNTAK column, who was the only woman to appear among the top three nominees?
Week Two’s Question”¦worth two points: Name TWO living Black actresses who WEREN’T mentioned in me and Joe Reid’s Black Actress Survivor feature.
Week One’s Question”¦worth one point: What’s Baby Bootleg’s REAL first name?
Go win your iPod! Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
