Oh, well, that was rather demoralizing. All the good news for the week came out after I submitted my Tuesday column. Just some short reflections:
Obviously, I was in favor of the Disney/Pixar merger. But not now. I wanted it to happen when Andre the Giant was still in charge at the Mouse. And it’s quite simple as to why I wanted it to happen: Steve Jobs is as toxic as plutonium in a board room. It would be the one instrument of death that Eisner couldn’t avoid or weasel his way out of. Now, Bob Iger is toast. I’ve liked Iger for a long time now, and I don’t want to see him put through the Reality Distortion Field. Jobs will just annihilate him and eventually take over. Jobs in charge of a Dow component? Think about that one, Flea.
Here’s a list of Dow Components I don’t want to see Steve Jobs in charge of in addition to Disney:
DuPont: Steve’s an old hippie, and there’s still that resentment about napalm there.
General Motors: Because the world doesn’t need iCar.
Boeing: Or iJet.
AT&T and Verizon: Or iPhone, although that’s next on their list.
Johnson and Johnson, Merck, and Pfizer: Stay away from my medications, Steve. Although I’d make an exception for Pfizer just to see iAgra.
Altria: I smoke (and I won’t even talk about California declaring second-hand smoke a toxic risk). I eat. And while there’s still a remote chance that I could be employed by Kraft one of these days, I’ll ask him to stay away.
Wal-Mart: He’ll end up overpricing everything like he does his company’s hardware.
and, of course…
Microsoft: Because the guys they have are scary enough. However, if it’s Jobs and Lasseter versus Gates and Ballmer, Hell In A Cell…
The UPN/WB merger? Well, it’s settled that we’re going to have two more years of Smackdown on Friday nights. Damn, damn, damn. That completely ruins the fun little wank that we would have had come Summer on whether or not Smackdown should live, and if so, where it should try to go for a broadcast outlet. Piss on them. And f*ck both those stations. I’ve never even seen a WB prime-time show due to the fact that I’m white, and I gave up on UPN during the whole Trek debacle a few years ago.
Hamas winning the Palestinian elections? Believe it or not, I’m in favor of it because it’ll cause more damage to the Junta. Their twisting and turning as they try to explain that they’re still pushing for a Mideast peace process but won’t deal with Hamas because of terrorism will just expose their hypocrisy. It’s cool if it’s the guys they approve of, but if not? Also, if there’s one sure cure for eliminating terrorism in the Middle East, it’s having the terrorists become the government. It worked pretty well in Israel in 1947, didn’t it?
The demi-victory by the Conservatives in Canada? Well, Prime Minister Harper is already trying to show he’s not a lapdog by engaging in wars of words about water rights in the Arctic. However, it’s not going to work. He is a lapdog of the Junta, and we all know it. The best hope for everyone is an assassination by some Canadian lesbian when he starts getting serious about eliminating gay marriage.
(I’m using a Canadian lesbian in this for the sole reason that it’s a teaser for the glorious return of YAM on Tuesday. You’ll understand then.)
Kerry trying a filibuster against Alito, and Hitlary joining in? Obviously, I’m in favor of the filibuster, but those two going on point? Can’t the Good Guys get someone else, namely someone not planning to run for prexy in ’08?
Amalie Mauresmo finally winning a Grand Slam? Well, it did take long enough (same reaction as when Kimmy C finally took the US Open last year). But winning her semi-final and final by her opponents going out with injury or illness (and Kimmy C’s ankle is serious)? Big, big asterisk. She’s going to have to prove herself by winning another, preferably the French.
I’ll let the Games guys handle the Cali suit over San Andreas, but I will say that “Think Of The Children” is more disingenuous and insulting to people’s intelligence than “I Won’t Cum In Your Mouth”.
And Friday’s big anniversary? No, it wasn’t the twentieth of the Challenger explosion (that was Saturday, and, yes, I remember where I was when it happened; doing some work-study at the U of C in a pharmacologist’s office sorting some monographs, in case you give a shit). It was the 250th birthday of one Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a definite day for the world to celebrate. Kudos to Google for going with the celebratory logo. Why we didn’t alter ours is beyond me. After all, 250th birthdays only come around once. But then again, maybe the Music guys never heard of him. He was the Eminem of his time, fellas. I don’t think genius has ever been more audibly tangible, not even with Ray Charles. So, Happy Birthday.
Now, to demonstrate the opposite of genius, here’s the Short Form…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Mark Henry over Rey-Rey (Pinfall, front powerslam): Ever since the program with Eddy ended, Rey-Rey’s been in the same program and wrestling the same match. It’s always against one of the big guys, and it always seems to go like this: Rey-Rey plays rag doll for a number of minutes, gets the speedy comeback, hits his spots, hits the 619, then either pulls out the Inspirational Victory or runs right into the big guy’s finisher. This match, though, may be the most cynical use of that formula ever conceived: as a sacrifice to make Mark Henry look credible before his match with Angle at Royal Rumble. As much as I can feel sorry for someone who’s now permanently ensconced in the upper-mid-card, I feel sorry for Rey-Rey. He deserves better than this. I forget if I had him in the Final Four for the Rumble…no, I don’t think I did. The “what’s he doing there” spot in the Final Four, I reserved for Carly. So even I’m disrespecting him now.
The homoeroticism is bad enough. Do they have to appeal to the NAMBLA crowd as well?
Rey-Rey finally learned how to attack an opponent from the back
Psicosis and Super Crazy over Vito and Nunzio and Chad Dick and James Dick, Tag Team Triple Threat Royal Rumble Qualifying…uh, something that’s a synonym for “match” that starts with Q so we can keep up the alliteration (Pinfall, Super Crazy pins Nunzio, double-team face plant): This was a cute little match, I had to admit. Of course, it was unbalanced with two heel teams and one face team, thus dictating by the law of poetics that the face team go over. However, since said face team are the only ones that are spot freaks, they were able to keep up their end. So, please explain why they never got the tag titles when they should have.
When the Mexicools are involved, you know the Dicks will always take a pounding
Super Crazy’s crossbody is one of those small things of beauty that we can all take pleasure in
Our Lord and Savior over Randy Orton, No Holds Barred Match (Submission, crossface): First of all, Cole called the Triple Germans. He reads me, oh, yes, he does. As for the match, it suffered from schizophrenic booking. The first half was virtually a pure mat wrestling match, and, Jesus, Randy Orton cannot mat wrestle worth a lick. It was pathetically obvious that Benoit was carrying him all the way. Then, suddenly, it shifted gears and became almost a pure garbage match. Then, Orton had a chance to shine. Benoit still helped him, but he was more in his element. It really makes me think that the Randy Orton of 2006 is a guy with just enough wrestling ability to have become a credible ECW world champion in 1996. Yes, I know, heresy, but only for the deifiers of ECW. If you could have cut out the first half of this match, it would have actually been pretty good.
Intensity, with some people, is a transcendent thing
I love multiple layers of symbolism, don’t you?
Fit Finlay over Sho Funaki (Pinfall, musclebuster, decision later reversed): All I could think about during this match is that they might make an interesting tag team. Finlay’s going to need someone on his side when Dave Taylor comes up from Deep South and joins up with his old buddy Regal and Burchill, because you know they won’t be able to resist a British/Irish feud (unless they use Finlay’s post-match quasi-anti-American statements as the basis of a feud with, oh, Angle…oh, shit, I think I’m getting a woodrow). So why not Funaki? Or maybe I’ll just go back to what I said last week and have Funaki become Animal’s partner. He can be used in so many different ways. I just don’t want him to be fed to “newcomers” anymore.
Ooooh, that’s gotta hurt
High-Quality Speaker Boy versus Scotty Go Potty (ND, worm shower): There is a point where both coincidence and theatricity should never go. They went there with this one. Ho, ho, it’s the Master of the Worm, and then the worm shower. Yeah, really amusing. Shall I make another call to the Deity to end this now?
Yes, that’s Scott Taylor getting in offense against High-Quality Speaker Boy. That’s more disconcerting than worm-eating.
Kurt Angle over Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, Handicap Champion Versus Champion Match (Submission, Mercury submits to Angle, AngleLock): A rarity indeed, namely a well-booked handicap match. Neither side was made to look weak. Angle’s face credentials were shored up. No, it wasn’t a great match, but you can appreciate good works of craftsmanship as you can masterpieces. Inoffensive, possibly mildly entertaining, but definitely more of an intellectual appreciation than an emotional one.
It’s almost classic Angle
Yeah, this is what we paid to see
Angle Developments:
The Return Of Royal Rumble Pimp Promos:
Loser
From left to right, Final Four but loser, not involved in the Rumble match, loser
Big loser
I ain’t saying shit about him
And I’m Not Even A Texan: My Spanish sucks (it’s mostly obscenities and terms used in the meat industry, where that knowledge is, tragically, necessary), but even I know that “Dio de lucha” is a satisfactory term for “wrestling god”. Why doesn’t High-Quality Speaker Boy know that?
Rey-Rey should wear the Dia del los Muertes headgear more often. Or give it to the Boogeyman.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Jeff Jarrett over Jay Lethal (Pinfall, Stroke): Yeah, yeah, yeah, big surprise. Well, there was a pleasant surprise in the fact that Lethal got in some offense. Maybe that’ll put him in line for an X Division push soon, as soon as they finish the pushes for the eight or so guys in the X Division in front of him…oh, wait, Lethal signed full-time with TNA, so that might push him up the list a little. But, really, how much did the match matter? It was an Indirect Angle Advancement Match on two levels, the first being Gayda/Kim and the second being the announcement of the title match at That Phil Collins Song. That kinda downgrades the relevance, don’t you think?
Would you rather look at a pic of them or a pic of Jarrett pummeling the shit out of Lethal?
I can’t resist a springboard dropkick where the guy’s head goes out of camera range
The ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley over Kenny King and Buck Quartermain (Pinfall, the ex-D-Von pins Quartermain, 3-D): Next. And don’t bother exercising your mouse fingers and voting; we all know it’s gonna be AMW.
Dudley-on-black violence is a little-heard-of scourge
Samoa Joe over Matt Bentley, Non-Title Match (Submission, Kokina clutch): Uh, non-offensive, really. There wasn’t much to recommend it. Yeah, Bentley was decent, but it was a glorified squash, which puts it on the same level as the first two matches of this show. Damn, please come up with something good soon. I’m falling asleep here.
Shawn told him there would be days like these
Abyss versus Rhiyno (NC, Andrew Thomas Doesn’t Know What Fun Is): You know, we keep talking about how the ECW veterans know how to make a fun Grievous Bodily Harm Division Match, but most of that praise is given (deservedly) to Raven. Somehow, Rhiyno gets the short end of the stick in that regard. This match demonstrated that he knows how to turn Studio 21 into Bingo Hall South as well, and does it on a high level. Of course, it’s good that he had Abyss along for the ride, since we all know Abyss is game for anything. The rematch for That Phil Collins Song hasn’t been officially announced, but you know it’s coming. Shit, I wouldn’t mind the same match two PPVs in a row if it’s these guys.
What Cameron’s case of food poisoning must have felt like
Ring? What ring?
Angle Developments:
Pulling The Trigger Too Soon: They’re going to build up to another Triple Threat with Joe, Daniels, and A. J., probably not at That Phil Collins Song, but definitely for Destination X. – me, the Final Resolution Round Table. And I thought I was an instant gratification type of guy; I think this is also the first time they’ve used the term “Triple Threat” to describe this type of match (guess it’s now generic enough for WWE to not enforce trademark effectively on it). The only way I wouldn’t have gone without another month of build-up is if they have plans to get some other blood involved in the X Division title scene. But we haven’t seen anyone being built to that level, so any match for Destination X for Joe (who’s going to come out of that one the winner) will seem rather perfunctory and obvious. You know, not doing the X Division tag belts may have been a mistake, but where the hell else are the X Division guys going to go? Back to ROH?
Oh, by the way, speaking of ROH, and since Fingers asked me, since I’m not going back to Chicago for Wrestlemania, I’m not going to be attending the ROH show the night before in Chicago Ridge. Actually, being a Southwest Side boy, going to Chicago Ridge is a helluva lot easier for me than Rosemont, so I would actually be more likely to attend the ROH show than I would WM. But not even Lance Storm can drag me back, because I’d be under an obligation, so to speak. Of course, it would have been great if Sapolsky had begged me, a native, to have been there, but I haven’t seen anything coming from him or whatever passes for ROH PR that would treat me like the IWC High-Level Celebrity that I am, so up yours, ROH.
A Half Million Well Spent: Well, we all know Sting’s departure is of a temporary nature and will probably involve some kind of reaction to a beatdown of Christian at That Phil Collins Song. However, after that kind of promo, any return is incredibly hollow. If you’re planning to depart, you shouldn’t pack that kind of emotion into your farewell if you know there’s a chance of you coming back. It turns things into a complete joke. And that’s what a Jarrett/Sting title match at Destination X will end up being, a joke. The result of that match reflects that status. If Jarrett goes over, it’s just more grist for the mill that he can’t give the strap up. If Sting wins, it’s a hollow gesture toward his status and a justification for that contract they gave him. This promo made a bad situation even worse. It’s what I was afraid would happen with Sting getting into bed with TNA. Silly people.
How touching
Well, the Royal Rumble Round Table’s already up, so you can see my picks, along with a good portion of the rest of the wrestling staff. Of course, I’m right concerning the Rumble Match, and they’re wrong. But read them anyway, because they’re, in general, smart people, and they have some interesting things to say. Until Tuesday, when I’ll have my Royal Rumble feedback and, yes, YAM, ta.
