The biggest pay per view of the year for wrestling fans. The show that puts everything in perspective for the next four months. I have made the declaration that if Chris Masters wins this year, I will in fact never write a Monday Night Rabble again!
30 men
1 ring
1 wrestler who defines my career as a reviewer
This is……………
THE RABBLE RUMBLE!
Joining us tonight are:
BILL
DOUGIE
ERIC
HERNANDEZ
JENNA
JEFFREY
JIMMY
OMAR
SIMON
VAL
DANI
And your host…. ME!
We’re starting a with a six man tornado match – one pin – one win six opponents.
Coming down to the ring now is the champion.. he is KID KASH!
“Who’s that?” – Dani
“We don’t watch Smackdown” – Me
Your number one announcer – FUNAKI!
JAMIE NOBLE! And he comes in to make a pot shot at Funaki..
Now coming down is NUNZIO
“Wasn’t he part of the mob?” – Dani
“FBI.” – Me
“Oh, the mob” – Jeffrey
And the absentee Ben Morse’s favorite – PAUL LONDON
“ohmygodican’tstoprunning!” – Michael
And now for the surprise! Here is… GREGORY HELMS!
HELMS/LONDON/NUNZIO/FUNAKI/KID KASH/NOBLE
Tornado Cruiserweight Flippy Death Match
And the match starts!
Nunzio rolls up someone who rolls up someone else and then someone else even rolls over Fuanki.. all of them are two counts.. so you don’t need to know.
Everyone stops, turns to Helms and the beatdown on Gregory Helms begins. Kid Kash pulls back and grabs Funaki and everyone breaks down into pairs… Kash gets Funaki down but gets stopped by Nunzio. Nunzio then drags Kid Kash to the mat, but it is stopped by Noble.
Noble tosses Nunzio to the ropes.. HUGE Powerslam for two. Then Nunzio gets him into a crossarmbar, and Helms stomps him down! London keeps working down on Helms, and please understand that when you have 6 people weighing a combonation of 660 lbs.. it’s hard to figure out who is who..
Helms gets hit with a sicilian slice from Nunzio, but Nobel stops it – but gets a monkey flip in response – then a bulldog from Funaki for two as Nunzio stops another. All of that took roughly 1.5 seconds. Kash in the ring TOSSES Nunzio out to the outside – he turns and gets a flying leg right into Kash for two, stopped again by Funaki.
Kunaki now wiht big fists to Noble, who LEAPS through the second rope onto the growing pile of cruisers that are dead outside. Leaving Kash and Fuanki in the corner. Fuanki charges Kash and leaps to the outside and swings at Kash. Kash ducks it and hitshis own leaving him out with the pile. Kash turns around and there is a HUGE kick to Kash. Kash bails to the outside…. then London realizes nobody is left in the ring… so he hits the top turnbuckle and HUGE MOONSAULT!!!!!
Now the dead begin to crawl in slowly, and Helms brings London to the top – and Helms hits a reverse neckbreaker OFF THE TOP ROPE…. Kash hits a HUGE standing brainbuster to London. Pin stopped by three other guys. Kash on his feet and Nobel out of nowhere eats a swinging kick to the face. Everyone bails and now we have Nobel and Fuanki in the corner….
Look – I am going to explain that there was a lot of amazing intense things that happen in a row. It ends with Gregory Helms hitting a shining wizard on everyone… ever… and winning.
WINNER: GREGORY HELMS
There are ten people in the damn room – and we were riveted.
In the back Teddy talking to Vince who discusses who can pull the numbers tonight. Vince says he’s got it handled. He turns to lech all over Torie, Candice, and Victoria……. And here comes Randy Orton to pull the first number of the night.
“I got a decoder ring..” – Me
“I’m fired?” – Hernandez
Trips comes on in and they have a discussion point ‘Ah Mr. Destiny’
“That’s Mr. Orton Destiny Champ!” – Me
“Torie, mind opening your box for me?” – Trips
Ohkay.. line of the night as Trips checks his number…. and he seems a bit… umm…. pissed. We can only assume it’s going to be in the top five.
Trish is about to go out for her match when she is stopped by Mickey James who WANTS to tell her something as Trish’s music starts in. She then states that … she loves her.
“Umm.. will you go to the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?” – Bill
Well Trish is in a lil ref outfit, for whatever is about to come up… it’s just adorable.
Coming down now though is…… Mickey James wearing a little skirt and pink outfit, and her music is a kind of rif off the Mickey theme. Funny enough. And finally, here comes Ashley. Wearing the camo hot pants and the cute lil fishnet kneesocks.
ASHLEY vs. MICKEY JAMES w/ GUEST REF: TRISH
six boobies
The girls lock up. They roll together outside the ring…. Trish begins the count and it turns into a shoving match as they both climb in. Mickey gets into a nice little arm wringer rolls into a two count.
“Is this the most we’ve seen Ashley wrestle?” – Hernandez
“Wait… she’s a wrestler?” – Bill
Mickey bails out of the ring and Ashley throws her down as she hits the apron, then climbs to the outside apron with a clothesline to the outside. Mickey gets to the five before climbing back in. Ashley then charges in with a huge fists… Mickey though finally throws her down and pulls Ashley’s leg in a lying single crab.
Mickey tosses Ashley out, and Trish and her have a few words as Mickey saunters out and picks her up and SLAMS her into the corner pole.
“..aborted..” – Hernandez
As Ashley is getting up, she gets a baseball slide right to the face. Now the only audience interaction here is as they count the countouts with Trish.
“This is such a psychological drama…” – Bill
“Softcore porn..” – Jeffrey
Ashley hits a fisherman suplex for two then pulls her back in a sitting bow and arrow. As Mickey takes a second, Ashley now fights her way up. Mickey throws a kick – caught – annnnd… errrr…. somebody got confused though. So Ashley throws her into the corner and throws the elbows and throws her hair first into the middle of the ring.
Ashley leaps up for the crucifix on Mickey and Mickey drops… for two.
Ashley TRIES for a spear of some sort, and now the match is getting booed. She’s in the corner… Mickey leaps up to the top turnbuckle and slams Ashley down on her NECK!?! OUCH!? Then the pin count.
WINNER: MICKEY JAMES
Mickey has a sad little lesbianic moment in the ring that Trish doesn’t enjoy. Awkward.
WRESTLEMANIA IN 63 DAYS!
Now in the back Torie and Candice
SPECIAL GUEST CORRESPONDENT BEN MORSE CALLING IN:
“An enraged Billy Kidman is apparently heading to the arena. He is seemingly sick of the backstage shenanigans and wants people to stop bothering Torie.”
A return of Sugar Shane Helm
Big Show gets his number – seems ok with it. Rey Rey gets his number and he seems to thank Eddie Guerrero…
“He got number 619?” – Bill
Now coming down to the ring is JBL with…. Jillian.
“Whose Jillian?” – Me
“His PR director” – Hernandez
“His inflatable limo driver” – Michael
Now it’s time for the first time I’ve ever seen him…. BOOGIEMAN!
“Why are they letting him wrestle?” – Dani
“Greatest thing since Papa Shango!” – Hernandez
“WORD!” – Jeffrey
“Where does he get the clocks?” – Dani
“Somewhere Flava is crying.” – Michael
“He’s the test run for Darth Maul” – Me
JBL vs. BOOGIEMAN
Ewwwww Worms!
JBL takes a lonnnngggg time to get into the ring while Boogieman eats some worms and dances.
“It wiggles and jiggles and tickles in side’r” – Me
“Does he eat worms because nobody likes him everybody hates him?” – Michael
So JBL is hiding behind Jillian.
“Why’s he hiding behind the woman?” – Dani
“He’s a wrestling God” – Hernandez
So JBL pushes her and runs as Boogie climbs on top of her… so JBL charges in and saves her as she’s getting worms spit all over her.
The dude has a NICE strut!
“Here comes Boogieman.. he’s a bezerrkerrr” – Me & Michael
So JBL grabs some tape outside and inside he chokes the hell out of Boog while Jillian distracts the ref. Boogs has really nosold so far… he grabs JBL up and chokes him, but gets thumbed in the eye. HBL hits the rope – goes for the clothesline from heck…. DUCKED and JBL hits the corner.
Boggie hits his pumphandle slam. That’s the win.
“There is your former world champion..” – Me
WINNER: BOOGIEMAN
So Boggie reaches into his pocket and now stuffs them all in his mouth.
“Where did he get those?!” – Me
“Umm… the bait and tackle shop?” – Bill
So some more Vince leching as… Shelton’s Mama comes in.
“It’s Martin Lawrence!” – Michael
Shelton gets his number, and he seems quite happy. He proclaims he’s going to toss Shawn over the rope for Vince. In comes Mileena…. and she says hi to Shelton who gets pulled out by the ear…. so here comes MNM who seem ambivilant.
Then more leching. In an alternate universe… I am sitting with three semi-clad women watching pro wrestling.
Some commercials and I guess it’s time for the Rumble. That’s unusual… not unprecidented.. but unusual. Now before the entire show begins – we get a video package of Rey Mysterio doing this for Eddie… touching honestly.
IT’S TIME FOR THE SPIRIT SQUAD!
“I love the Spirit Squad!” – Dani
“You just lost so many points…” – Hernandez
Special Correspondant Ben Morse
“Billy Kidman WILL be in the Rumble and he’s dedicating his win to Prince Iaukea”
Who is our number one man…
IT’S TIME TO BE NUMBER ONNNNEEEEEE – Me
IT’S TIME TO WIN SHAWN MICHAELS RECORRDDD – Me
“..no.” – Hernandez
#1 – TRIPLE H – Fun Fact: They just bought him a double decker bus!’
“For his nose…” – Jenna
“Whomever wins this is going to be running down on the main event..” – Me
“And will own all the deeds of Diggstown” – Michael
“And he STILL gets his entire entrance music in…” – Jenna
#2 – REY MYSTERIO! Fun Fact – He came down in Eddie’s car!!!
“He should eject out of it!” – Dani
“Is Chavo in the Rumble?” – Dani
“Yes” – Hernandez
“So what does HE get to do?” – Dani
“Lose.” – Eric
And the match bell —– rings.
“Hey look Triple H can walk AND chew his bubblegum” – Michael
LOCK UP AND WE HAVE BEGUN! Rey to the rings.. slide underneath Triple’s legs and a dropkick to his knee.. hits the ropes.. ducks a clothesline. Hits the ropes and plancha right onto Trips. Tosses H to the ropes AND SPINNING RANA!
Rey hits the top rop, and runs over to 619, but Trips ducks as we go to the buzzer.
#3 SIMON DEAN – Fun fact: He’s Nova Dammit!
Simon comes in and stommps down on Rey Rey, tosses him as Rey skins the cat and Rey and Triple H together… WEST COAST POP – toss of Simon Dean.
“It was for a VERY good cause.” – Dani
Now Rey and Trips against each other again….
#4 PSICOSIS – Fun Fact: Not really a landscaper. Wearing the bandanna because he just held up a liquor store.
“This is what Triple H fears… in the ring with two wrestlers” – hernandez
“This is really what most of America fears” – Bill
Psicosis charges in and a spinning heel to Trips… tosses Rey onto Trips.. then grabs Trips for a spinning slam. Psi now goes and stomps on Trips, then beats down on Rey… He picks him up for the Crucifix Bomb…. Gonna send him over the top… REY CATCHES HIM RANA TO THE OUTSIDE! Spinebuster to Rey.
#5 – RIC FLAIR – Fun Fact: My pick to win…
“Bill?” – Everyone
“Huh?” – Bill
“BILL!?” – Everyone
“POWWDERRR——-Oh! WOO!” – Bill
“If Ric Flair wins.. it’s Bill’s Fault” – Dani
Ric comes in and goes RIGHT after Trips… eats the kneedrop, but then Ric hits the testicular claw on Trips. Ric charges Trips – but Trip TOSSES FLAIR!? OVER THE TOP HE GOES… My pick… gone.
#6 – THE BIG SHOW – Fun Fact: Not really the son of Fezzik
“He’s filled with nouget” – Michael & Jeffrey
Show comes in and charges on Trips… BIG chop and Trips falls ON Show.
“I just can’t quit you..” – Michael
He lets Hunter fall then goes and headbutts Rey Rey… Tosses Trips to the ropes and then sideslam. Elbow from Show. And here we go. count down.
#7 – THE COACH – Fun Fact: Wearing ‘I’m The Coach’ Shirt
“Which replaced his ‘who’s the boss shirt” – Michael
Coach goes to charge after Rey, but hits Big Show inadvertantly… annnndddddd clothesline… aannnnnddd.. Coach is out.
Big Show press slams Trips. Sadly IN the ring. Remember – Rey is sitting in the corner quietly. Show chokeslams Trips down…
#8 – BOBBY LASHAY – Fun Fact: Goldberg with a tan.
Show and Lashley stare at each other for a lonnng moment. And Lash is a big big boy. They go face to face… sorta… Lash pushes him.. Show punches him and down goes Lash. Lashley gets caught up in the chokeslam.. but poke in the eye.. Show charges him and ducks as Show gets a BACK BODY DROP! Trips and Lash hit some as…
#9 – KANE – Fun Fact: We all thought he was #30….
“He’s so badass he traded it in for #9” – Bill
Kane face to face with Lash and they charge and shouldercheck and nothing in particular. Big boot to Lash’s face. Kane tosses him to the ropes… Belly to belly from Lash to Kane. Lash press slams Trips.. AGAIN…
#10 – SYLVAN – Fun Fact: We all predict he’s going to be out next.
“He also was the lead singer of Kraftverk” – Michael
He hits Lash… Lash doesn’t want to hear it.. picks him up and TOSSED. He turns around and double chokeslam from Kane and Big Show. They pick lashley up and doubleteam over the top rope.
“Thank you good night drive safe” – Michael
Kane and Show now face to face…. and there they go.. fist to fist. Show tries to pull Kane, but Kane kicks him. Show charges – Kane boots! They choke each other. And as they fight on the ropes….. Trips tips BOTH over at the SAME time…. yeck.
“Was that cerebral?” – Bill
“No.. it was just prickish” – Dougie
#11 – CARLITO – Fun Fact: Really hates apples.
Carlito comes in and now begins doubleaxing on Rey and Triple H. Back and forth. Rey leaps the ropes – reverse moonsault – he lands on his feet, but gets the Carlito backbreaker.
“Go back to your hiding corner Rey” – Jeffrey
Trips walks over and pokes Carlito right into the eye. They go fist to fist for a long moment as the count comes…
#12 – CHRIS BENOIT – Fun Fact: His favorite drink is the Appletini
Benoit comes right in and charges chopping Trips. Chopping Carlito. Chopping Rey… German release to Rey. German release to Trips. German to Carlito – WHO DUCKS BUT EATS THE CROSSFACE
“Hey.. Trips and Benoit is Wolverine versus Sabertooth” – Dani
Benoit gets up and Trips grabs him, tossing him to the counter corner. Stalled suplex that sends Benoit to the outside apron. They fight for a long moment in the suplex stance. Back and forth. Finally Trips sends him over to the top turnbuckle and headbutts to Triple H sends him down. FLYING HEADBUTT to Trips.
13 – BOOKER T – Fun Fact: He used to be a hand model, thusly the staring.
“He was actually in the Warriors” – Jeffrey
“He was the DJ” – Bill
“He looks like Lord Nikon from Hackers” – Dani
Benoit grabs Booker and tosses him. Well that was easy, wasn’t it?
“Just a snkikt and he was done.” – Bill
Trips and Benoit in one corner… Carlito stomping on Rey… that’s where we are right now. Carlito helps out Trips by hitting on Benoit. The countdown…
#14 – JOEY MERCURY – Fun Fact: Not related to Freddie Mercury
“Fun fact… nobody cares.” – Dani
“He got… something… from Freddie Mercury” – Dougie
Mercury goes after Rey for a bit, but ends up getting germaned by Benoit. He locks himself into the rope, then throws his own suplex. He then goes back to beat on Mysterio… Carlito stops him and stomps him down as he holds onto the ropes.
#15 – TATANKA – Fun Fact: Looks Awesome..and owns Foxwoods.
I AM SO OK WITH THIS! Tatanka goes after Carlit.. chops him down.. Chops down Triple H. Mercury goes after Tatanka, but Tatanka will have NONE OF THAT! Slams down Mercury…
“Fun fact for Tatanka.. he rides through the countryside finding pollution and crying” – Michael
Benoit still with Trips… Tatanka with Mercury… Carlito with Rey…
#16 – JOHNNY NITRO – Fun Fact: Candy coated outside… gay on the inside.
“Melts in your mouth.. sucks in the ring” – Bill
Tatanka is all over Nitro now.. Benoit has ALMOST GOT TRIPS… no… crawls under the bottom. In the center Tatanka is now getting doubleteamed by both of MNM, but he fights out of it.
#17 – TREVOR MURDOCH – Fun Fact: He has a PhD in Fine Arts….
And I blink and I don’t even know where he went…. we get a shot of Rey skinning the cat back into the ring. We finally have the cluster that I was expecting out of this show. Trips tossing Rey, but getting the dropkick in the center of the knee.. then a standing dropkick to Trips head.
#18 – EUGENE – Fun Fact: WHAT?! Out of Rehab Already?
“He’ll be out easy… he’ll try to pin people” – bill
Murdoch hits him RIGHT in the face.. and he tards RIGHT up!
“He should just do force lightning” – Michael
He does the airplane spin on Murdoch
“Darth Eugene!” – Michael
Both men are dizzy as can be….. Rey Rey runs up and double bulldog to Murdoch and Eugene.
#19 – ANIMAL – Fun Fact: DayGlo Green Does Not Work ….
He comes in and double clothesline to MNM…. And now the clusterf*ck continues on… Benoit and Tatanka on Carlito… Murdoch on Animal with Eugene in the corner….
THIS JUST IN FROM SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT BEN MORSE:
“Headbanger Mosh just dropped Kidman off at arena. He says he’s feeling good.”
#20 – R V D – Fun Fact: When he dies, he’s donating his fashion to science.
“He was at the Jersey Shore recently” – Dani
RVD CHANT IS INSANE as he goes all over the ring, hitting each and every person. Hits Trips, and Trips tosses him… gets the spinning kick to HHH…. face to face with Chris Benoit. Kicks leaps and spinning kick from RVD. Now MNM clotheslines.. DUCKS and a double dropkick. Animal charges him…. ANIMAL IS OUT! RVD and Carlito now find each other……
#21 – ORLANDO JORDAN – Fun Fact: There are Snakes On A Plane!
RVD hits Carlito with the top rope back kick and a legdrop… Triple H is working on Eugene… RVD throws Carlito – CARLITO grabs ONE HANDED and stays in!!!!!
#22 – CHAVO GUERRERO – Fun Fact: Eddie’s still cheering for Rey.
Dropkick to Carlito, spinning release rana to Rey. Big suplex to MNM.. hits the three amigos. Chavo is now going up to the top turnbuckle for the frog splash and TRIPLE H THROWS HIM OUT! Toldja!
#23 – MATT HARDY – Fun Fact: Is the nephew of the fifth dentist that didn’t recommend Trident.
There is roughly twelve people in the ring right now. We are now predicting who our clear spot is going to be.. sadly we all are assuming it’s Chris Masters…. Over on the other side of the ring Tatanka climbs to the top rope and as he leaps gets kicked by a member of MNM….. Orlando is hanging on by a fingernail… Tatanka is tossed by MNM.
#24 – SUPER CRAZY – Fun Fact: Is my poolboy
“Rakes my leaves” – Dani
“Is learning English as a fourth language” – Michael
Carlito and MNM are fighting off to the side and MNM suplexes him.. but he JUSSST gets back in.
#25 – SHAWN MICHAELS – Fun Fact: Jesus’ pick for winner.
Shawn goes and begins the clearhouse brigade….. He has punched every single person in the face. Murdoch brings him to the corner and he chops out of it only to get tossed and tree of woe’d…. Murdoch charges, but Shawn pulls the rope to drop him…. Carlito tosses Shawn, but JUST crawls beneath….
#26 – CHRIS MASTHTERS – Fun Fact: His pyro looked like Gilberg…
Come back to Triple H tossing out Matt and a skinning the cat…. Then Triple H goes out and crawls beneath the ring.. now Matt and Trips hit HARD on each other and fight in the corner. Here comes with RVD on him.
#27 – VISCERA – Fun Fact: He ate Wonka’s gum… thus he looks like that.
“He ate Wonka…” – Jeffrey.
Hardy goes after Visc… and Matt… Dies. Via Big Samoan drop. Rana almost sends out MNM. Viscera charges into Matt, but big feet RIGHT into his face. He charges and Visc catches and… SAY G’BYE TO MATT HARDY!
#28 – SHELTON BENJAMIN – Fun Fact: Mama is actually in the Rumble
“I want Shelton” – Dani
Benoit tosses Eugene as Viscera is working on Super Crazy… Orlando and Benjamin on each other… Psicosis on Rey Rey.
“Is that a hate crime?” – Jenna
“We call that street justice” – Dougie
#29 – GOLDDUST – Fun Fact: If he sees his shadow.. we have six more months of winter…
The crowd is stunned. I’m just totally happy to see him. Orlando is trying to hit Visc.. but Trips now holds onto him as Visc lands some fists. Now we have five people going after Golddust. Triple H and Shelton are in a corner now charging the hell out of each other.
#30 – RANDY ORTON – Fun Fact: Batista Light Orton Destiny Chant
Orton runs in and TOSSES Benoit! RKO’s Viscera. Then Jordan goes fist to fist with him rope to rope. Masters and Carlito take out Viscera.. THEN CARLITO TOSSES MASTERS!!!!
“For just a moment.. I loved Carlito” – Dani
Golddust goes after Carlito and hits the shattered dreams RIGHT into Carlito…. RVD hits Golddust sending him OUT of the ring. Randy throws Orlando to the corner.. off to the apron goes Jordan… Randy hits him and ORTON is out. Shawn is in the middle of the ring with Triple H.
“With the 30 pieces of silver slam!” – Michael
MNM now go RIGHT after Shawn. Double kneedrop. Shawn gets the MNM Set-up, but a poke in the eye.. he tosses ONE of MNM out… catches the apron… he throws the OTHER into the OTHER member of MNM… and now both of MNM go… and SPIN Kick drops Shawn from Shelton!
Here comes the CEO – Vince has come down to watch.
“Vince has seen March of the penguins….” – Dani
So the ring corners as Vince comes down and watches Shawn… AND BEHIND HIM COMES SHANE! Shane tosses Shawn RIGHT out of the ring! THAT RULED! Shawn charges back in and Trips kicks him for the Pedigree.. BACK BODY DROP… Superkick and Shawn charges after Vince…
“Way to save your brother-in-law” – Hernandez
RVD has an exchange with Carlito and a spinkick drops Carlito RIGHT OVER the top…
Four People Left
RVD
TRIPLE H
RANDY ORTON
REY REY
RVD on Orton – Rey on Trips!
Standing high kick to Orton’s face drops him… while RVD picks up Rey Rey and DOUBLE leg drop onto Trips… Throws Rey onto Orton.
“Fastball special!” – Michael
RVD goes up for the Five Star – Trips drops RVD on the turnbuckle… Rey charges and Trips ducks so Rey lands RIGHT onto RVD who falls out. RVD is out!
They are both after Mysterio… they pick him up.. and DOUBLE DDT from Rey
“Rey lie there like a slug as his only defense.” – Michael
Rey ranas Trips into Randy and Double 619…. He hits the top rope… TRIPS DUCKS and Randy eats the West Coast Pop!
Trips now goes after Orton. Irish whip and Orton powerslams down Trips. Waits for H to get up and then RKO.. Misses into the spinebuster. Trips goes after Rey.. he picks him up! HE PICKS HIM UP! TRIPS BRINGS HIM TO THE ROPES!
REY SPINS OUT TRIPLE H! HOLY SHIT!
ORTON AND REY ARE IT!
“..Grr it’s all about the game and …. WHAT THE FUCK?” – Bill as Trips
Trips pulls Rey Rey out and throws him into some stairs. Then back in the ring.. and the crowd is going nuts for Rey. Randy picks him up…. has him over his shoulder and goes to throw him, but Rey holds onto the top.. AND AGAIN.. ANOTHER RANA…. REY HAS WON! REY MYSTERIO HAS WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE!
REY MYSTERIO AT ROYAL RUMBLE!
REY FUCKING MYSTERIO AT WRESTLMANIA!!!!!
..let me reiterate..
HOLY MOTHER FUCKING GOD REY MYSTERIO AT WRESTLEMANIA
Wow… that was fun… lame beginning.. hot ending!
This just in from Ben Morse:
“Kidman seems to have been waylaid in the backstage area. After a run in with Duke The Dumpster Drosey. Things aren’t looking good. I’ll see if I can get word back before the end of the show.”
We come back after the Edge build-up and the entire lighting of the center and it slowly drops to the ring.
“It’s the Owen Hart Tribute!” – Hernandez
“FOZZY!” – Bill
There is cold air coming down as the lights hit… The entire light sequence shoots down and Cena’s music hits! They set up an entire walkway JUST for Cena, and damn it’s kinda neat.
“Jamie, forget flaming ladders.. I want THAT for our wedding!” – Dani
The runway is already lifted, and Edge has to come down the normal way.
“YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!” – Song
“WE THOUGHT WE KNEW YOU!” – Us
“I want that jacket” – Jeffrey
“He looks like an action figure” – Dani
JOHN CENA vs. EDGE
We Thought We Knew The Champ Was Here?!
They pace around each other and lock-up. Knee to Cena’s gut and then fists. Tosses Cena to the corner, but Cena bounces out for a clothesline. Edge bails and pulls Cena out. Hits him against the ring and Edge charges back in. Edge trips Cena right into the second turnbuckle.
“Have her breasts gotten larger?” – Jeffrey
“No – Wonderbra technology has gotten better.” – Me
Edge bails to the outside again towards Lita, but Cena chases and slams Edge to the corner. Edge then hides behind Lita, then tosses her into him… then a bulldog sends Cena RIGHT into the stairs. Edge hits the ropes and baseball slides Cena RIGHT over the railing into the audience.
The ref begins the count as we all watch on. Cena crawls to get to his feet.
“Hey there are milkduds are down there…” – Michael
At 8 Cena gets back in, and Edge charges him.. kneedrops RIGHT to the face of Cena, chokes him against the ropes. Boot to the face of Cena, and some more choking. The crowd is doing the fight chant. ‘Lets go Cena/Lets go Edge’ as Cena hits a fist, but Edge backs up – hits the ropes – spinning heel kick.
Edge gets him in a waist lock and then a big suplex. Fists from Cena, but an eyepoke ends that. Standing dropkick to Cena. Then a dropkick off the top turnbuckle.. Toss to the ropes and CENA HITS THE CROSSBODY! Edge finally gets to his feet…. Edge brings him to the corner slowly… to the top… Edge gets pushed off and LEGDROP MISSSES! OW!
“Somewhere Hogan recognizes why he never did that.” – Me
“Hogan doesn’t watch wrestling..” – Jeffrey
Cena tosses Edge to the corner.. Cena runs in, Edge leaps and catches him! Going for the FU – EYEPOKE stops it.
Edge climbs to the top… He’s waiting patiently. Cena gets up and FLYING CROSS gets it.. Cena rolls it over for two! They get up to their feet and an exchange on the ropes ends with Edge hitting a sleeper… and dropping with a headscissors. Cena slowwwwly gets to his feet, but gets tossed to the corner. Edge charges for the spear.. MISSES! He spins around to EAT a DDT and now both are down.
Both to their feet, and Cena charges… he eats the shoulderblock… then the clothesline.. then the spinning powerbomb! Standard Cena set-up…. Five Knuckle Shuffle for the pin, but LITA’S ON THE ROPE! Cena then stops Lita, Edge charges in for the spear, but Cena ducks it.
Cena grabs Edge! F U! STF! ……..
…
EDGE TAPS!
“..so why did they even have him lose the belt?” – Dani
“To build up fans.” – Hernandez
“Tomorrow they are going to boo him again…” – Eric
“Yep, square one.. tomorrow” – Hernandez
WINNER: JOHN CENA
As Edge gives his losing speech with whateverhisnameis…. Lita gets to the mic and is interrupted by none other than HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN who brings a message from John Cena… – HOOOOOO!!!!
A two week set-up for a joke… but I’ll let it go, it got a laugh.
After an interview with Angle, it’s time for Mark Henry with Akbar.
And here’s Angle!!!!
“HI KURT
WHAT’S UP – Michael
THREE FISH
FOUR FISH” – The Rest
“Sorry I was trying to retire it..” – Michael
“You don’t retire a legend.” – Jenna
KURT ANGLE vs. MARK HENRY
Smackdown needed a main event….
Lock-up and Angle gets tossed. Angle grabs his ankle and a stomp throws him down. Angle goes to a waistlock from Henry. Henry swings and Angle has moved.
Angle taunts Henry to charge him… and then keeps rolling out of the way. Finally hits a big fist.. second punch gets caught by Henry. Angle hits the ropes and ducks a clothesline. Again. He leaps and gets caught and tossed over the top rope.
“And he’s eliminated…” – Michael
Outside Davairi hits Angle a few times. And Angle rolls in in time before Henry gets to him… big punches but Henry catches him and tosses him to the top rope again!
“I WANT THE SMACKDOWN TITLE TO BE….
A SEXUAL CHOCOLATE SMACKDOWN TITLE” – Me and Eric
back in the ring Henry grabs Angle into the bearhug….
“Clap!” – Hernandez
“…if you really love fairies..” – Me
Angle reaches his arms down through Henry’s and tries the hiptoss and just fails… he can’t get Henry over. Finally he gets it!
“And herniates himself” – Jimmy
“Way to blow a vein” – Dougie
Henry gets to his feet slowly.. tosses Angle into the corner. Angle though gets the elbow. Angle hits the top… flying and CAUGHT… And he rolls up into the ankle lock!
“Cuz he can turn anything into the ankle lock” – Bill
Mark kicks out of it, and then a bunch of other slow plodding stuff happened… Not that much at all really, but we were discussing something that generally nobody would care about. So when we get back, Henry is BACK into the ankle lock – and as Henry kicks out of it.. REF BUMP! Angle goes out and grabs a steel chair to hit Davairi.
Comes in and the Henry catches it.
“Crap.. now I’ve given him a chair…” – Bill
Angle throws him but as he stands up, KWANG another shot to Mark Henry
And the bell tolls… for whom….. here come the monks!
“It’s not Taker.. just the druids…” – Bill
“Zombie horses” – Dougie
“Robot horses” – Val
“Cannibal horses?” – Jimmy
“In the ring… Kurt Angle peed a little” – Michael
First he drops his arms.. and the lighs flicker.
Then he drops his arms.. and lightning hits the posts… sweet.
Then he drops his arms… AND THE RING COLLAPSES!!!!
Okay, he gets propped.
“See it’s an Angle’d ring!” – Michael
And THAT is the Rabble Rumble… what did the mass of Rabble that’s left think?
“Rumble started slow – finished strong. Mark Henry has no business being there” – Dougie
“*SQUEAK*” – Val
“A great way to ring in the Chinese New Year” – Jimmy
“When there is surprise in the Rumble… always good” – Eric
“I loved it… but so much for Chavo’s tribute to Eddie” – Hernandez
“I want to see more of Mark Henry and less of Edge’s teeth” – Michael
“I mark for Taker. Rey is going for Cena” – Bill
“Yay Rey. Yay Suduko (which she’s been playing in the boring parts)” – Dani
“I say that I was voting for Edge, and a medium rated Rumble..” – Me
Now before we go.. let’s hit the stats!
WHO HAD THE MOST ELIMINATIONS
(Note: All the single eliminators we didn’t list.. nor did we know who tossed Super Crazy.)
HHH – 6
HBK – 4
REY – 4
RVD – 3
BENOIT – 2
BIG SHOW – 2
ORTON – 2
CARLITO – 2
Oh and just as a note – I didn’t give a Lech award tonight… it goes to Trish for her sexy cute lil Ref uniform.
