After a slumping season of drawn-out plots and sappy bondage, Desperate Housewives has finally returned to what it does best: hysterical set-ups and ridiculous soap-operatics. George’s mid-season suicide marked a shifting point back to the duplicitous fun of murder, drugs and scandalous sex; new neighbor Betty is finally getting as creepy (and cozy with Bree) as the producers promised and Tom’s return to work with wife Lynette should wreak delicious havoc upon their marriage. And finally Susan is moving on from the hunky-bland plumber to a hunky-hot doc with a more DH-appropriate personality disorder (loving the short temper and neurotic impulsiveness!).
But best of all was perhaps the least vital development with regards to major plot: a little multi-episode rivalry between selfish golddigger Gabrielle and her hubby’s babelicious blond nun friend, Sister Mary-Bernard. Gabrielle’s disrespect for the church was taken to fabulous new heights as she double-dipped the confessional booths (first to lie about the Sister’s affair with her hubby, and then to ask forgiveness for the lie) to ensure her arch-rival would be shipped to Alaska. The nun with “God on her side,” brought it on just as she had threatened a few episodes before Gabrielle had her sent sans Carlos to Africa for a relief mission (by sabotaging her hubby’s immunization tests), and the church fisticuffs all staged in front of a catholic-school-kids audience was irreverently priceless.
The clash between spoiled rich-girl and badass nun was the epitome of the pointless comedic rivalry (and just one of the reasons the ladies of Desperate Housewives are the reigning champs of them). The formula to successful comedic rivalry is pretty simple. It is ideally irrational and entirely useless with regards to forwarding plot (rarely, if ever is it directly related to the dramatic story). On the contrary, comedic rivalries can get in the way of otherwise brainy and efficient workers by slowing down progress with unnecessary bickering and fistfights. What better way to create humor, than by giving two characters who can’t stand each other the same goal, which requires their express teamwork? The squabbling itself creates obstacles and plots of their own, giving a show an ironic depth.
So in admiration of the Mary-Bernard-Gabrielle-Solice main event, I present a list of six brilliantly unending brawls from current and recent TV history.
1. Chloe O’Brian VS. Edgar Stiles (24): My personal fave for best rivalry in TV town goes to the lovable geeks of 24’s Counter-Terrorist-Unit. Chloe and Edgar have a lot in common: they’re both freakishly good at all that hacking stuff and they’re more socially awkward than an epic-level DnD group. However, the unofficial competition for most appreciated team Nerd is often priceless, leading to constant bickering and, no doubt, a lowered efficiency. Each is always acting on their own accord, instead of keeping the other in the mix, leading to privacy arguments and leadership quarrels that keep them from their real work. Chloe’s insensitive bluntness offsets Edgar’s pussy-footing nicely, as we saw when she bombarded him during the meltdown tragedy that led to the death of his mom. Who knows, maybe their head-butting will lead to a field mishap or worse!
2. Susan Mayer VS. Edie Britt (Desperate Housewives): This catfight reached its entertaining peak of blackmail and ashes-in-the-face during the first season of Desperate. As the two ladies, one the clumsy but cute Susan, the other a foxy slut named Edie, competed for the affections of one Mike Delfino, the hunky new plumber next door. Edie pulled no stops to whore the attention from Susan, dousing herself in a nearby carwash to ensure both Mike and Susan witnessed the impromptu wet T-shirt contest. The producers obviously saw the value in fueling the quarrel, by having the two “attempt” to settle differences by going out the bar together for more appealing insults and eventually leading to a pack to root through their neighbors’ dirty laundry together.
3. Jack VS. Sawyer (Lost): This testosterone-fueled sausage-fest for Kate’s attention is sometimes one-sided (only Jack seems to be fighting, because Sawyer thinks he has already won). It’s a handy little enmity, considering it oftentimes leads to frustrating the good ol’ doc during one of his crucial jungle-floor surgeries, including a few on Sawyer himself. We’ve had raised voices and fist fights, and while Sawyer seems to have moved on, even devising pet names for the Doc, Jack won’t led the grudge die, as he proved when he forbade Kate from tagging along the hunt for Michael (and consequently placing the curious cat in mortal danger).
4. Simon VS. Jayne (Firefly): In Fox’s late sci-fi great, Joss Whedon created a fabulous ongoing brains-versus-brawn dispute between musclehead grunt Jayne and team medic and supposedly level-headed Simon. Simon relished any opportunity he had for unplanned sedations of the raging beast, supposedly good for wellbeing. Simon’s near-incestuous bond with psychic sister River also provided loads of cannon-fodder ammunition for the Jayne, while her ferocious unpredictability only ever seemed to wound the big lunk-head. While their needless fighting was primarily used for wisecracking purposes, on the episode, “Ariel,” Jayne’s betrayal of the good doctor rose the stakes a bit.
5. Bobby Jon VS. Jamie (Survivor: Guatemala): Leave it to Survivor to cast real-life macho morons that resort to the stuff we thought only existed in fiction. The competition amongst the rude American imbeciles was a particular delight, at least once loudmouth Jamie decided to be brutally honest about his alliance with Stephenie and co. Jamie’s obvious cheering for fellow teammates led Bobby Job to cut into Jamie with umpteen head-shaking accusations of “no class”. Probst probed the feud for some scathing tribal councils and we even got to see the two rub shoulders in an ape-like demonstration of male posturing.
6. Michael Scofield VS. Theodore “T-Bag” Bagwell (Prison Break): Brilliant engineer prettyboy Michael Scofield thought breaking his brother Lincoln out of maximum-security prison would be a cinch until he met the flamboyant Southern Belle Theodore Bagwell. “T-Bag” is the epitome of the prison bitch, and the second he laid eyes on the hunky tattooed fish, he knew he wanted a piece. But despite T-bag’s reputation as a 6-time 1st-degree murderer, rapist, pedophiliac and power-hungry maniac at Fox River, Michael has gritted his teeth through the incessant come-ons. Still, T-Bag still managed to get a shot in here or there, and his clever personal integration into the breakout squad only means more bothersome pestering for Michael.
