The Crucifix

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Ok, short on time and patience, so I’m just going to (like everyone in the IWC) rip the Royal Rumble and WWE a new asshole and be done with this week. Sorry for not being in last week. I was under the weather, injured and our server was being like Corky. On with the s…oh wait…before I start I just want it to be known that this column is dedicated to Eddie Guerrero…on with the show…

Royal Rumblah

– Nice work PK and Jed for thinking of it. Big props to Jed for actually picking Helms in our Roundtable. Regardless of our staff being able to pick the winner probably before WWE did, this match served no purpose what so ever. WWE never, ever cares about the cruiserweights, so why not just dump all of them and abolish the division. The only good thing that could’ve come out of this would’ve been moving the division to Raw and shipping the Divas to Smackdown. But that won’t happen. That would be too good. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

– Mickie James against Ashley. Ashley Massaro is hot. Nothing else. Now I know a bunch of people have been all like “she’s getting better!”. Fuck that. There is no reason to have the girl in the ring until she can work at a higher level. She is like 0.2 over Jackie GayHaas in wrestling talent. That means she brings nothing to the table. Mickie looked just as out of shape and worthless as Melina called her when she got called up. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

– JBL against The Boogeyman. I’m in favor of anything that brings about JBL losing. Unfortunately he didn’t lose his job as a result of this match. Somebody should. See, the thing is that a gimmick like “The Boogeyman” is a dead end. There isn’t much to do other than eat worms. Sadly, they already go that out of the way. So what is the guy going to do? Keep f*cking with JBL? Win a title? C’mon. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. Viva La Raza!

– The most boring, craptastic Royal Rumble ever. I would’ve rather watched UT’s promo after the Yokozuna casket match than watch this crap. Here is a list of the problems:

1. Two more matches to go? Why do you have the Rumble at this point? So the everlasting memory of the night won’t be Vince blowing his quads if he needs to come out? What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

2. Too many people. When you have like 15 guys in there it becomes like a Battle Royal. Battle Royals suck. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

3. Surprise entrants…an Indian and Dusty’s son? Do we get a Bossman, Motorcycle Undertaker and a construction worker in there to be all YMCA? Those are shitty surprises. Also…YOU HAVE A ROSTER THAT INCLUDES 30 GUYS. USE THEM. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

4. Was Dinsmore looking for a Soma? Was it Lazy Mysterio’s mask? What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

5. Nothing memorable. Not even Rey winning. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. Ese vato.

– “Hey Vince! Our ratings since Edge won the title have been up up up!” “SHUTUP! I’ll take care of that problem!” Listen, you could have Cena come down from the ceiling in a harness, holding a slammy with a shirt that says “For Owen”. Have him touch down and run to the back, come out in a sombrero and a low rider with a shirt that says “For Eddie” (After Mysterio fights him for it) and then have him fight Edge for the memory of all dead wrestlers while Cena gets to use confetti guns all during the match and then shoot shirts out to the crowd…IT’S NOT WORKING. The belt was taken off Cena due to CROWD REACTION. The belt was put back onto Cena for one reason: TRIPLE H. “Dad, I don’t want to turn face! The fans want to see me as a heel and I have to save all my faceness for home when the baby comes out!” “Ok, son.” Exactly. Triple H needed Cena to have that belt so he can be all “I was Raw’s winner in the Royal Rumble, I get my shot!” while Edge f*cks off with Foley. So that Triple H can get his usual A) Payday and B) Cocksuck title run. Whatever. The match was fine, but it was a political win and I can’t stand that shit. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. Amigo.

– Isn’t Mark Henry’s contract up soon? WHY ARE THEY PUSHING HIM? Why is he this crazy force? To justify his contract? Please, the time is over for shit like that. Even Kurt “GOD” Angle couldn’t carry that useless piece of shit to a decent match. All that and this was THE MATCH PEOPLE WENT HOME WITH. Nice move, WWE. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. Viva La Raza.

– Folks, what did you expect out of a PPV that had a commercial featuring all of the McMahon family? This whole thing is bullshit right now. I especially love Mysterio’s red “EG” armband. Gotta match the tights, ya see. Listen, I am not against Mysterio getting a push. He deserves one and he deserves to wear the title. But we don’t need this “Dedicate everything to Eddie” shit. Over in the Super Secret Chambers of Widro Staff Forum we have been talking about this. One side feels he is being pushed because Eddie died. The other side thinks Eddie dying is the excuse to push him. So if the push goes bad it’s all “Well, we did it to honor Eddie.” Whichever way, Eddie Guerrero is dead. They used his car already and made it explode. Eddie played a joke on Rey last night by making him draw number 2. Get over it. That goes for you retarded fans too. When Owen died…AT A PPV…they had a show and that was it. He was also in his prime. Nobody was chanting “OWEN! OWEN!” for months after. Now, since people can’t stop chanting “EDDIE!” like it’s the second coming of “WHAT!?” we get shit like this:

What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

Eddie Guerrero is dead. Stop chanting for him like he’s going to be a surprise entrant. You’re getting Tatanka. Just stop. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.

– Also, f*ck the Undertaker. You work 3 or 4 months a year and still get a Wrestlemania Main Event? That’s bullshit. Even Foley or Rock or Austin when they come back don’t immediately demand that kind of program. You get a horse and make the ring collapse. Bitch please. What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. Viva La Raza Amigo Ese Vato Viva La Raza.

Now didn’t you enjoy my column? It was all dedicated to Eddie…it had HEART AND RESOLVE AND LOVE. Adios! What I just wrote…is dedicated to the memory of Eddie Guerrero.