IN RUMBLE HISTORY
WITH ONE OF THE GREATEST ENDINGS
EVER.
JOIN US TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH WE CAN RAG ON IT
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Did you know that we reviewed the Rumble? Due to some technical glitches, NOBODY ELSE DOES EITHER! So if you are interested in seeing what the Rabble thought… CHECK IT OUT RIGHT HERE!
Here with us tonight:
BILL – The Jew
DANI – The Italian
HERNANDEZ – The Red-Headed Gay
JENNA – She lives with us together…
..on Avenue A – With Me!
Before we begin, a few things to get out of the way. First, the third issue of the WAN FILES – This week, we take a look at a guy whom I’ve known only for a couple of years, but as a collaborator on Silver Rage, and one of my best buds.. It’s time to meet Bill.
NAME: Bill
AGE: 21
NICKNAMES:
FAVORITE MOVIE: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly & Boondock Saints
FAVORITE BANDS: Anti-Flag, The Bosstones, Bad Religion
FAVORITE WRESTLER: Ric Flair
FAVORITE WRESTLING MOMENT: Shawn as Hulk Hogan on ‘Larry King’
FAVORITE BAD GIMMICK: Kloakus!
LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER: Edge
FAVORITE MOVE: The Shining Wizard
ANY WORDS TO SAY BILL?: Read Silver Rage, kids, I hear its funny. And to all those ladies who were drooling over that handsome mug up there, my email is saintofkillers45@gmail.com. Smooches.
Now before we get going, we have an issue to address. This past week, I recieved a letter from one of the Rabble Fans, and former Diva Search Entry Competetor Penny. She had some choice comments for Bill, and I’m giving them their time to discuss their problems. Look for this feud to go on longer than Tito Santana & Rick Martel. HA!
From Penny:
James…. please, I beg of you, on my knees no less….
For straight women
For lesbian women
For transsexual women
For women period
Slap Bill. Slap him hard. Slap him repeatedly. And tell him if he makes trannie jokes about Victoria again, a 300 pound angry lesbian will come and sit on his head.
Now – the rebuttal from Bill (as written by Bill):
First of all… why am I being assaulted on behalf of womankind? I’m just not seeing the connection.
In all seriousness, it wasn’t a trannie joke. Victoria has always had a penis. That said, it might be a hermaphrodite joke, and I make no apologies.
So, if you still see fit, you could give me the Thesz Press, but it wasn’t a trannie joke.
Penny – you know where to reach the Rabble if you wish to vault another volley.
Ok, shenangins at an end… to the wrestling:
First it’s Edge’s pretty face. He was not supposed to lose the title to John Cena. He’s asking for his rematch… TONIGHT! Also supposedly we’re going to hear a LONNNNG Triple H promo.
Here comes Vince now.. wearing a dapper grey suit, strutting his ass on down. He guaran-damn-teed that Shawn was going to run out of the Rumble. And run he did…. well, after Shane of course.
“If they didn’t want us to see what happened during the prior PPV, they should just use midgets.” – Hernandez
“OOoo or action figures!” – Me
“Call the guys from Robot Chicken.” – Bill
Vince declares that having power, sometimes you should abuse it just a bit… he could throw out an entire section of the audience. Here comes Shawn though, to interrupt him.
“Winning the Dapper Dave Suit Award tonight.. Vince McMahon. Shawn just doesn’t match” – Dani
Shawn wants to kick Vince’s teeth down his throat, but he recognizes that ‘Mr. Zero Tolerence’ would just fire him. So Shawn says says he could do the ‘Good Christian Thing’ and turn the other cheek and walk out, but he’ld get sued for breech of contract.
“Cause the devil has the best lawyers.” – Bill
So Shawn could roll back the clock… pop pills and party all night long. “This is a really dumb bit.” – Dani
“I just like the idea that he said he would pop pills” – Me
He won’t do that though, he loves his wife and kid too much. Vince says then since he won’t, he’s ‘screwed’ worse than Bret was EVER screwed. Shawn wants to appeal to Vince as a businessman. Right here, in this very ring, to do it the old fashioned way. Shawn versus Vince.
“You dare challenge me?” – Vince
“Are you having to think about this? You aren’t sure!” – Shawn
“If you abuse your power too much… you’ll go blind!” – Hernandez
“You are Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Don’t tell me that at 60 years old, those king size grapefruits are all shriveled up!? You single handedly faced the US Government and brought them to their knees, you can’t be afraid of little old me?” – Shawn
“Lemme tell you something – I’m not afraid of you Shawn Michaels. You want to challenge me… No Chance In Hell” – Vince
“Hey! A catchphrase.” – Hernandez
“All you’ve done here is piss me off.. so you get to do something nobody has ever done on Raw before…” – Vince
“The show’s over G’Night” – Hernandez
Vince then gives Shawn the chance to hit him square in the face and commit ‘career suicide’. He gets on his knees and begs.. And then!
“HERE COMES THE CHAIR SHOOOTTTTTT!” – Me
Shane with a whackola.
“He’s not wearing a suit, but it’s ok. It’s Shane” – Dani
Shane helps Vince on with his suit jacket again and they leave to the ‘Asshole’ chant.
“If you look at the chair dent, you can see Jesus’ face!” – Me
COMMERCIAL
During the commercial break – Todd asks Shane why he attacked Shawn. Shane announces that is all about respect. Behind as they go to the limo, you can see Triple H’s bus.
Now though, it’s time for Mister Monday Night. Captain Swampass returns! (Your welcome Tanya)
“AHHHH MY KNEE!” – Hernandez
RVD vs. SNITSKY
Five Star Return Matchin!
“That beard is his fault…” – Bill
“He’s borrowing it from Alan Moore” – Dani
“He looks like Zoidberg” – Hernandez
Snitsky charges at him and RVD moves. He leaps to the top and flying cross body for two. Snitsky with big blows now as they get to their feet.. tosses RVD to the corner, and charges with a big boot. Snitsky comes in with a clothesline, but RVD ducks, spins with a dropkick. He leaps to the top again and leaps to eat a chokeslam down for two. Ouchie.
Chinlock from Snitsky. RVD fights out of it. Hits the ropes, but eats an elbow. Snitsky now chokes him in the corner for the four count and then stomps him down. Textbook slam from Gene, then big fists to the corner. Follows up with some boots and big fists and some more chokes. Then the bearhug to garner a huge RVD chant.
He elbows Snitsky to get to his feet, hits the ropes and then POWERSLAM for two count! So now as Snitsky goes with more big blows the ‘Boring’ chant begins. Snitsky hits a MEAN MEAN clothesline and tosses RVD to the corner, and RVD bounces out with the spinning heel kick. Back to his feet there is a toss to the ropes and ANOTHER spinning kick. Then the Rolling Thunder for TWO!
He goes to pick up Snitsky and gets the eyepoke. Snitsky goes to hit him with a big boot, but caught and spinning kick to Snitsky’s face. Climbs to the top. FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH!
WINNER: RVD
“Well that was the whole damn show… turn it off” – Bill
“Well he hasn’t figured out a way to make that move not hurt yet” – Me
Big Show & Kane versus Chris Masters & Carlito
“Seems the tag titles are changing hands tonight” – Me
Also the rematch for the World Title.
COMMERCIAL
In the back Shelton’s Mama is getting upset that Shelty lost the Royal Rumble.
“Her finger was a dime’s length away from busting his cornea” – Bill
So she tells him that she is going to rub his shoulders… and who does instead… Golddust!
“Who .. err. what are you?” – Shelty’s Mama
“The Prince of Perversion… The man with the Golden Power” – Golddust
“..the Golden Shower?” – Dani
Maria is here! AND SHE LOOKS SO ADORABLE!
Her interview… Triple H!
She asks how he feels after Rey threw him over the top and almost won! Triple H seems to not believe that it happened. Trips seems to think it must have been a higher power than even the divine intervention of Eddie Guerrero… it had to be a god itself that helped him.
“JBL is helping Rey out?” – Jenna
So he’s going to drop the next biggest thing…
“Brock Lesner?” – Me
Chavo Guerrero versus Trips .. oh, right now!
“Eddie is getting the biggest push ever now, geez!” – Hernandez
“It’s all about soufle.. and how ya make it..
It’s all about cake.. and how ya bake it..” – Bill
“You were thinking of that all day weren’t you?” – Me
“Fifteen minutes.” – Bill
TRIPLE H vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
COMMERCIAL
We come back and Chavo is already in the ring…
“He doesn’t even get his intro?!?!” – Hernandez
Trips just begins pummeling Chavo in the corner. Tosses Chavo to the corner and eats a nice tiltawhirl headscissors, and then a dropkick sends Triple H over the top rope.
Triple H crawls in and charges Chavo for a NICE armdrag from Triple H. Arm wringer, then reversed by Trips. Chavo rolls out of it and wrings on his own – three times sends Triple to the match and an armlock. Trips gets to his feet and pushes Chavo to the corner. Big fists from Trips, then reversed by Chavo and europeon uppercuts. He tosses Trips to the ropes, and FLYING CROSS! Trips bails. Chavo hits the plancha!
Back in the ring.. Chavo sends Trips to the ropes, reversed and Hunter sends CHAVO headfirst over the top.
COMMERCIAL
“Decent little match here..” – Me
“Not even the ten o’clock spot and he’s selling.” – Hernandez
Back in the ring Trips tosses Chavo over the top rope again! Chavo skins the cat though… charges Trips and EATS the spinebuster. Backbreaker from Trips. Sends Chavo face first to the ropes, he bounces back and gets clubbed. Another backbreaker for two. Hunter sits on Chavo with big fists to his face. Kneedrop x2. Pushes Chavo into the corner and now they exchange fists. Tosses Chavo to the corner HARD. Backbody drop 10 feet up! Trips does the Eddie taunt.. then looks up and mocks.. actually seems a bit TOO tasteless for me… meh.
Anyway, Triple H tosses Chavo to the ropes, and an out of nowhere dropkick from Chavo and they both are down til the 8 count. Chavo gets ahead on the punching game – two clotheslines from Chavo, big clothesline. Sends Hunter to the ropes – reversed… Chavo goes for a spinning DDT… but doesn’t land it well. Either way, goes for the three amigos suplexes and hits the top turnbuckle.
Triple H charges in before he can leap it. Same way he lost the Rumble the night before. Big fists on the top turnbuckle as Hunter charges… Hunter falls and Chavo MISSES the frogsplash. Hunter runs in to hit him with the Pedigree. A VICIOUS looking Pedigree.
“Looks like it might have been payback for that mean DDT…” – Me
“..completely pointless match…” – Hernandez
“Not if it starts something.” – Bill
“It won’t with Triple H” – Hernandez
WINNER: TRIPLE H
In the back Carlito discusses getting hit by Shaquille O’Neal. Nobody can apparently take down Carlito. Masters isn’t talking.
“Thank God!” – Me
Carlito asks if this is because of the Royal Rumble… or the Elimination Chamber… or…
“in the hotel room?” – Hernandez
Carlito needs them to work as a team! Does Masters want to be a champion with Carlito.. are… ya know…. they cool?
Well Masters with a HUGE SLAP throwing Carlito to the wall.
“Now.. we’re cool…” – Masters
COMMERCIAL
In the ring to start is already Masters and Carlito. But Weeell… it’s now time for the Big Kane SHow!
MASTERS/CARLITO vs. THE BIG KANE SHOW
..this won’t be cool..
Kane charges outside the ring and tosses in Carlito to the Big Show, as he clotheslines Masters. Show grabs Carlito and throws him into the ring.
“So if they are going to ‘face-out’ Carlito and Masters, who would they do it to?” – Me
“Carlito, although it looks the other way..” – Hernandez
“I agree.” – Me
Tag to Kane and big powerslam to Carlito for two, stopped by Mashters. Kane hurls out Mashters and turns aroudn to eat some fists from Carlito. Tosses Kane to the ropes, reversed and a kick to Kane’s chest which Kane is NOT ok with. Clothesline from Carlito, ducked and Masters pulls out Carlito and tosses him into the steps while Carlito bothers the ref.
Carlito hits his patented backbreaker and stomps down on Kane – tags in Mashters. Stomp from Kane.
“You stomped the mat… did that hurt him?” – Hernandez
Chokes Kane against the ropes. Picks up Kane and brings him into the corner with Carlito. Kane hits Masters, but gets his arm wrung by Carlito in response. Masters then throws him into the corner – then tries to lock in the Masterlock… Hits it!
“Big Show… in 3… 2…. …? Is he even There?!” – Me
Kane ALMOST breaks out of it, but runs to Big Show and ducks to eat a FIST from Big Show. Cute set-up. Sideslam from Kane, and a tag to Show for the clotheslines everywhere… slams to everyone.. and a press slam from Carlito RIGHT onto the turnbuckle.
“Awww he got Owened” – Hernandez
Show throws Mashters corner to corner. Then charges in with the squash. Carlito pulls the top rope as Show stumbles back. Kane on the top rope, he leaps – but Mashters… KINDA catches an arm for the Masterlock. On the outside Carlito leaps onto Show, is caught and slammed into the corner.
In the ring, Masters drops the Masterlock on Kane and ducks a boot from Show to try and throw him into the Masterlock… Kane with the boot – Double Chokeslam. That is that.
“I’m surprised, didn’t give them the loss..” – Me
WINNER: Big Show & Kane
Coming up soon: Mickey James celebration of Trish Stratus.
Wrestlemania’s Theme: BIG TIME by Peter Gabriel
“Isn’t this really old?” – Dani
“Yep.” – Me
“I can’t wait til Hogan comes out and they play ‘In Your Eyes'” – Bill
“Or when Triple H comes out and they play ‘Sledgehammer'” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Well apparently during the commercial – RVD went in the ring and attacked Carlito. Maria discusses with RVD why he did it. He says he’s not a stepping stone… he wants revenge on what Carlito tried to do to his leg.
Now Todd is in the back with Mickey James, who is bibbling about how happy she is with Trish. Can’t we just go back to Maria for awhile? High contention for Lech Award Winner.
We then get a photo-replay of the Cena/Edge match last night.
“It’s like this match happened in still frames!” – Me
“That match did happen in stillframes.” – Bill
“It wasn’t that bad…” – Me
“So is this the storyboard for tonight’s show?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
We get a Godaddy.com commercial shoot flash…
“Honey? You REALLY think she’s attractive?!” – Dani
Here comes Shelty with his Mama in a wheelchair with oxygen?!
“Hey look it’s MY mother..” – Me
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Shelton is that Martin Lawrence?
And we get the 24 Karet Pictures entrance! I love it
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. GOLDDUST!
In the ring Golddust charges and the fist fight begins! Monkeyflip sends Shelton to the outside. Golddust gets clubbed on the apron.. Golddust slides out and slaps him.
“I LOVE that spot” – Hernandez
Suplex from Golddust on the apron, but Shelty lands on his feet with a neckbreaker… they hit the ropes and a droptoe hold. Shelton drops an elbow. Dani finds Golddust to be a horrible gimmick, but there is a Golddust chant!!!!
Back on their feet, Golddust hits the ropes with a big clothesline. Shelton throws him to the ropes – but Golddust drops to his knees with the throat thrust. He tosses Shelton to the corner and sets up the Shattered Dreams!
“Well there goes grandchildren…” – Bill
Golddust now comes to talk to Shelton’s Mama. She takes a hit off her oxygen, and taunts Mama a bit. He comes back in the ring and SWALLOWS a roundhouse kick from Shelty. Shelt picks up Golddy for the three count.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
COMMERCIAL
In the back.. Shelty and Mama stop at the bathroom… oookay. Shelon gets distracted by Flair hanging with Candice, Torrie, and Victoria. They have a talk moment. He wants Flair to know that he got his confidence back, and wants his IC belt back.
“Lemme explain something to you young man. Getting your confidence back is a good thing. Messing with Ric Flair is a bad thing.. know why?” – Flair
“Road Rage..” – Hernandez
“This has been another addition of Good Idea.. Bad Idea.” – Bill
In the ring now is Mickey James. She gives us a replay of last night’s win over Ashley.
“Not only did I beat Ashley… but I finally got to profess my love to Trish Stratus. She proved she loved me too. So now I’m going to bring out the greatest woman’s champion ever…” – Mickey
“Rockin Robin!” – Me
“Medusa!” – Hernandez
“Good one..” – Me
So here comes Trish with Mickey.. errm… SCREAMING in the mic.
“She just squelched.” – Hernandez
So now the balloons drop, the streamers.
“These remind me of your breasts!” – Jenna
“..filled with air..” – Bill
“..and plastic..” – Me
Trish, who has been spending a bit too long with the bronzer, is here to set the record straight. Mickey stops her has set-up a special celebration.. it’s.. THE SPIRIT SQUAD!
“..and here I thought we’d get a video package.” – Bill
“Awesome!” – Dani
Spirit Squad does ‘Hey Trish Your So Fine…’ bit.
“I find the juxtaposition between Mickey giving Trish a chant in the style of the song Mickey to be an interesting poi….. nevermind.” – Me
So now just as Trish is going to lay out the truth, when here comes Ashley… ANNNND Sorry Maria… Ashley beat you for the lech award, looking fantastic tonight!
“It’s kind of awesome how that is not a shirt..” – Bill
Ashley wants Mickey to know that Trish doesn’t love her, and that Mickey James is a psycho. Which makes Mickey cry. This in fact makes me understand why I don’t like Mickey – she is every ex-girlfriend I’ve ever had.. and then the ‘SHE’S A PSYCHO *CLAP CLAP*’ chant goes nuts. Genius.
She asks if Trish really feels like that. Trish backpeddles, which is just like ME with all my ex-girlfriends. Mickey lashes out and announces she hates Ashley and bails.
“Jump off the Titantron!” – Hernandez
Mickey charges in at Ashley again… and Ashley rolls her off and beats the hell out of Mickey. Trish pulls her off, only to have Mickey hit a HUGE kick to Ashley! Mickey believes Trish did this FOR Mickey.. once again, let me reiterate, I have been in this very same relationship… although not with a girl half as hot as Trish.. or Ashley… or Mickey for that matter.. or Mae Young now that I think about it.
COMMERCIAL – Coming down to the ring is Edge…
“Were they shining his coat?” – Hernandez
It’s time for the Championship match…
“You think you know me!” – Edge’s song.
“The Champ Is Heeeah” – Nobody in particular
EDGE vs. JOHN CENA
Official Rematch of Nothing In Particular
I gotta say, the grassroots support of Cena has built. Starts off with a shoving match, then Cena takes him down with a headlock.
“Mama had a baby and it’s head popped off…” – Hernandez
Edge tosses him to the ropes, and Edge eats a shoulderblock. He goes to capitalize and Edge drops the top rope. So some stuff happens and some fast flipping bits and a crossbody from Cena gets two. Another back bodydrop, then a bodyslam, a big elbow for two from Cena!
Front facelock to Edge. Rolls it for a twocount then they get back to their feet. Throws Edge to the corner, suplex for two. Back RIGHT into the headlock. Edge fights out of it and throws Cena down – he heads to the top turnbuckle, but Cena charges him and he goes headfirst to one of the announcer tables.
COMMERCIAL
We come back and Edge is choking Cena against the steps. Ouch. Apparently in the middle of the commercial break Edge did stuff that got him back on top. Now they are in the middle of the ring and Edge is pummeling Cena down. Fists to Cena’s face… heaves him to the top turnbuckle, and Edge climbs up headscissors to Cena for a slow two count.
He picks Cena up headlock, and then LEAPS UP for a bodyscissors, and Cena crumples down.. neat takedown.
“Cena.. don’t stick your tongue out like that… might.. ya know.. bitey.. ouch.” – Me
Edge hits him hard in the face… then they get to their feet and the slow build of fist to fist. Gets some nice speed and Cena gets the top. Two clotheslines, ducks a clothesline and hits the shoulderblock. Tosses Edge to the corner and as he charges in, eats the boot.
Edge hits the top rope and leaps, Cena catches and slams him down. Edge gets tossed to the ropes and kicks Cena in the gut. Hits the ropes again, and spinebuster for two from Cena. Cena picks up Edge, who reverses it and hits the Edge-O-Matic for two. Edge now to the top again….. Cena runs in and balls him on the top turnbuckle. Superplex from the top turnbuckle!
He pins him… one…. two… NO!
Cena charges in the corner, but Edge grabs Cena’s legs, pulls and throws his legs on the top rope.. still only gets two. He turns around to get Cena, but gets a face full of turnbuckle, then the spinning sitdown powerbomb. Sets for the five knuckle shuffle. Blows a kiss to Lita and Hits it.
Picks up Edge for the FU…. Edge fights it and throws him RIGHT into the ref! Nutshot from Edge! Now Edge sits in the corner for the spear….. HE HITS IT! Ref misses the count though…. Lita brings the belt in for Edge, but Cena picks up Edge for the FU!!? LITA CHARGES WITH THE BELT!
LITA HITS EDGE! THE BELL RINGS!
WINNER via DQ: EDGE!
Both men are totally confused, as it seems it wasn’t an accident at all… where does this leave us? We don’t know! The show ends before we can even consider the possibility.
