Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 01.31.06

Columns, News, PPVs, Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

In Memoriam: Wendy Wasserstein, who let men in on the secret world of women.

To attempt to replace the sacred Peter Jennings, praise his name, is an abomination unto Allah. Therefore, we have declared fatwa on Bob Woodruff and only regret that we failed in our duty. We also believe that Tom Brokaw possessed Allah’s true blessing, and that Brian Williams should also watch out…

…oh, let’s be honest, the real reason we committed this act of holy war is that Elizabeth Vargas is a hottie, and Woodruff was stealing her camera time. Hey, it’s one of our few opportunities to see an uncovered woman. Do you blame us for wanting more of her?

– the note that I would die to see put up on some anonymous website

Yes, I know, borderline tasteless, and I hope Woodruff is able to recover from his injuries (although he’s being sent to Landstuhl, so that’s in question). But you know that the right-wingers out there were all thinking to themselves, “Why couldn’t this have happened to Dan Rather when he was still anchor?” Well, at least we wrestling fans can comfort ourselves a little in this area with Mark Madden’s heart attack (like, who couldn’t call that one?).

Despite the fact that we’re coming off of Royal Rumble, there’s still some stuff to discuss. Since the Sports guys don’t get into it, let’s talk a little tennis. I submitted the Short Form in between the women’s and men’s finals at the Aussie, and therefore didn’t mention Federererer’s victory, even though I could have. Do the words “foregone conclusion” mean anything (it was so foregone that the official Australian Open website had him listed as the men’s winner on Friday)? I mean, you can’t even bet on the guy anymore in a Grand Slam. He’s an absolute lock. He’s now a French Open away from holding all four majors simultaneously, something no man has done since Rod Laver (Steffi and Serena have done it on the women’s side). Dude’s taken seven majors in two and a half seasons. If he does win the French Open, you can start really hitting on the Sampras comparisons, because Sampras was in the exact same position in ’93-4 and failed to pull the trigger; you can also start in on the Agassi comparisons as well, since he’s the only active player to have won a career Grand Slam. Roger’s just that f*cking good, and there’s no end to this. He’s only 24. The only question now is, can he win the French Open? Considering how slow the courts played down there the last two weeks, I’d have to say yes, he can.

Since there’s only so many superlatives that people can handle, a lot of people are wondering if we’ve seen the emergence of a new star in Marco Baghdatis. The guy’s got game, and he’s got charisma. He just needs to improve a little. But he did join a very exclusive club in the finals. He and Andy Roddick are the only guys to have ever taken a set off of Roger in a Grand Slam final. There’s going to be a lot of attention focused on him at Wimbledon. Let’s hope he comes through. With Agassi in his dotage, we need someone like Baghdatis on the tour.

One remark on the women’s side. If you’ve ever wondered about why a tournament should bother with seedings, take a look at the Final Eight in the women’s bracket. The top seven seeds plus Martina Hingis, who’s only won this tournament three times. Talk about falling in line.

There was some interesting results in the subsidiaries as well. Martina Hingis may not have won the women’s singles, but she scored in mixed doubles (ironically following in the path the woman she was named after has taken during her comeback…you know, I accidentally typed “his comeback”, but with Martina, that’s only natural). The Bryan Brothers are now becoming a dominant force in men’s doubles; I was able to catch a little of the men’s doubles final, and they were fantastic. And watch out for the Chinese; now that they’ve broken through in winning a Grand Slam (in women’s doubles), there’s no stopping them.

All in all, it was a more interesting Aussie than usual. It’s regarded as the PGA of the tennis majors, yet like the PGA, sometimes really comes through on the drama.

That, of course, brings me right to golf. Now that Tigger’s made his debut, the season’s really begun. And what a great tournament. When you’ve got about eight guys tied for the lead at one point on the back nine on Sunday (including Tigger, Lefty, and HoThayCanYouSee), that’s some terrific stuff. And the way that logjam was broken…oh, Nathan Green, you are the rook to watch. Great performance at the Sony, and then that chip-in eagle…f*ckin’ sweet (although not as sweet as John Rollins’ eagle wedge). Little eighty-yard wedge, spun by the hole, gets a little backspin, and plop, two-stroke lead. But then that went away, and all of a sudden, there was a six-way tie for the lead with the last group on 17 and two guys in the clubhouse (Jonathan Kaye got there by birdieing his last five holes). Then HoThayCanYouSee birdied 18 and took the clubhouse lead. Then Green came in with a birdie on 18 to tie. Then Sergio, who hadn’t been heard from all day, gave himself a chance to get into the playoff and failed (he still needs a LOT of work on his putting). Then Tigger set himself up for birdie to get him into that playoff. And then sunk the birdie putt cleanly. Three-man playoff, and…

…CBS usually doesn’t do very good camera work on golf unless they’re at Augusta, but they had the camera in the right place right after Tigger sunk his birdie putt, namely right on HoThayCanYouSee’s face. He gave one of the greatest “oh, shit” looks you will ever, ever see. He knows why Torrey Pines is considered Tigger’s Bitch, and with the playoff beginning at a par 5…yeah, even a guy with two green jackets can turn his pants brown.

So it was back to the 18th tee, and away they went. Green blows his second, third, and fourth shots. He’s out. The other two guys, who possess six green jackets between them, get pars and move on. And then on the second playoff hole…HoThayCanYouSee, money when it comes to putts, chokes. Win number 47 for Tigger on the PGA Tour, especially significant for Star Trek fans. Beat that, Royal Rumble.

Hmmm, what else? Well, I always like looking at the results of Disney’s Standard Exploitation Formula. We all know the routine: hit movie, direct-to-video sequel, then TV series. The Emperor’s New Groove has just finished this process with the premiere of the TV series The Emperor’s New School last week. My judgment? They haven’t done a movie-adaptation TV series right since Timon and Pumbaa (with points to Hercules for trying), until now. Yes, it has its weaknesses. It’s got that “high school as framework” thing that bugged me about Hercules, and there’s no David Spade (J. P. Manoux does a dead-on Spade impersonation, though). Fred Tatasciore is definitely no John Goodman, and his voice is something I’m going to have to get used to. However, they got Eartha Kitt and Patrick Warburton, which was critical, and enough to support the series. Bobs Gannaway is keeping a tight rein on this one, and it has the frenetic pace and fourth-wall-breaking charisma of the movie. It even occasionally edges on, shall I say, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Bravo for once, Disney.

I think I’ll submit prior to the Oscar nominations, so I’ll reserve those for the Short Form.

Let’s move on to the good stuff.


Grut hated the Royal Rumble as much as I did. My comments after the Pimps.

Hevia threatened to do this one in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum. Glad he did.

Gubitosi talks a little golf, but he doesn’t love it as much as I do. And, Tom, if you were looking for something to talk about, there was a major tournament in tennis the past two weeks. You know, one of only four each year. It does demand a little attention.

Pusey talks Super Bowl parties and guys beating the shit out of each other. So there is some thematic continuity there.

Pandich wants you to join his Revolution.

Memo to Basilo: Cartoon Network is supposedly contracted with Spumco to provide a minimum number of showings of their piece of shit, so they’re blowing it off this way. God, I f*cking hate Spumco and all of the Kricfalusi Fanboys.

Eagle could have asked me who did “Cherish”, but didn’t. Hey, I’m old and white, so I would have known the answer. But saying the Beach Boys never did anything as beautiful as “Cherish”…dude, listen to anything off Pet Sounds. Ironically, they came out the same year, 1966.

Stevens nails down the price of 52, and has other DC news to go with it.

Hatton does the Marvel thing, away from his scummy friends.


Well, folks, the consensus right now is that Royal Rumble was a disaster on a number of levels. Oh, I pity you who paid for it. Thank God I didn’t. No time to get the version that I can get screen caps from, so you’ll just have to go with my words.

The Cruiserweight Texas Tornado match was just as most people suspected it’d be: a spot-fest with no continuity. As to who went over, you all know what I think about Novocaine, so you know that I don’t approve. However, it does get him over to Smackdown, which is where he belongs. And that means that I don’t have to watch him live and can FF through anything he does. So, in a sense, I win.

You have to question the existence of a women’s match on a major PPV that’s not for the title. Without the title in play, that means it has to be an Angle Advancement Match, which automatically makes it a train wreck. And the women’s match was, in every possible way. LaJames doesn’t have the ability to carry Massaro to anything watchable, and that really showed. To be fair to Massaro, though, I think she’s slightly ahead of where Hemme was at the same point (something I’ve said before), and if she decides to knuckle down and concentrate like Hemme did, and get the consequent level of improvement that Hemme got, she might actually be kept after the year’s up. However, this match even failed as an Angle Advancement Match, because the Trish/LaJames angle wasn’t serviced in any significant manner. In other words, it was a total waste of time. Again, I’m glad I didn’t pay for it.

High-Quality Speaker Boy/Boogeyman? I pretty much ignored it, as we all did. Poor Layfield, having to go through with this. I thought I’d never feel sorry for him, but now, I have to. I just hope that Marty Wright is getting laid. I also hope that the lay-ees ask him to keep the makeup on during the deed. That would fit in so well with my general cynicism about the world at large.

Before I get into the Rumble match, let me make one observation: wrong announce team. It should have been Styles and Tazz. I think a lot of people have dreamed about Joey Styles calling the Rumble match, and considering the chemistry between them going back to ECW, it could have been transcendent. Not to mention the fact that it would have taken some of the bad taste out of my mouth while watching this farce. But, hey, Cole called the Triple Germans again. That’s twice in three days. Who says they don’t read me?

I’m going to say it right now: this is the first time that someone won the Royal Rumble because someone else died. That’s the only reason Rey-Rey won the Rumble Match, period. Under different circumstances, I would feel better about this. I thought that Final Four would be enough to satisfy the Eddy Necrophiliacs out there, and if “creative” had a brain, so would they. But this? Bullshit. And looking to make him strong by eliminating all three other members of the Final Four? That’s overkill. This booking was done for one reason: to make money off of the dead. That’s repulsive, even for Vince. You thought Katie Vick was bad? Imagine it done with a real dead body, and that’s what happening here. Don’t have that impression? Who was Rey-Rey with in the promo with Edge just after the match? Benoit, Malenko, and Chavito.

I just don’t buy Rey-Rey as a main eventer at Wrestlemania, despite the fact that they tried to bolster his credentials by giving him the Iron Man record in the Rumble match (he lasted a little less than a minute more than Benoit in 2004). The possible title matches don’t fit him at all. This is short-sighted, dumbass booking, which has now become a WWE hallmark. The sick part will be if they give Rey-Rey the strap. I can’t get into a heavyweight champ that I outweigh by 25 pounds. Of course, according to Da Meltz, WWE doesn’t buy Rey-Rey either. Supposedly, Rey-Rey will lose that automatic title shot, which will hence proceed to the Twilight Zone, orbiting Planet Orton, thus giving us Trip/Cena and Angle/Orton at WM. Hooray.

I’ve been saying for years to divorce the automatic title shot from the Rumble winner. Maybe now they’re listening to me. But if they are, they’re going about it in a very cynical fashion that’s quite alienating to the fan base. Maybe 2007 is the year they do the Rumble for pride. We can only hope.

No, I’m not pissed because my Round Table prediction didn’t come true. I had two of the Final Four (Orton and Rey-Rey). Carly was in my Final Four, and he just missed being in it by one guy (Van Dam should have been eliminated first; that would have given me the third). And the guy I picked to win…the only reason he wasn’t in the Rumble was because they held the title matches after the Rumble match. Now that’s a f*cking dumb piece of booking in and of itself. There is only one event a year where a title match should take lower priority and not be the main event, and that’s Royal Rumble. The Rumble match should be the main event, period. That’s what I was banking on when I said Cena would win.

Yeah, I typed the above on Sunday night after I read the results. I was pissed, my editor was open, my spleen gets vented. In fact, I’ve got a message for them on the booking of the Rumble match:

(and the other writers know that I was waiting for an excuse to whip this one out)

Could it have been saved? Regular Cabbageboy316 says that if they wanted an audience pop, they should have had Van Dam win it and gone for Edge/Van Dam at Wrestlemania, with Cena/Trip as a non-title affair. I don’t think so. It’s not because I don’t like Van Dam either; I don’t like him. I think that Vince would have seen an Edge/Van Dam main as impossible by his standards, and would have forced him to bring in something high-profile (other than himself and Michaels). Edge/Van Dam for the title might have doomed us with Hogan/Wife-Beater. There’s no way I want that option open.

As for the Edge/Cena match…there are no words. There really are no words for this. I just know that every person in the audience with a penis able to ejaculate is trying to figure out this match’s result, because there is not a single male above the age of puberty who likes the guy. Since WWE is trying to market itself to Males 18-34, this is playing against their own demographic. Vince isn’t stupid, God knows he isn’t. He’s stubborn (which is why I projected Cena winning the title back at WM), he’s arrogant, but, goddamn it, he’s not stupid. Who the hell is booking this show? Why do they have jobs and I don’t? This has gone far beyond a wrestling show and into the realm of existential angst.

Why?! Why did they give the title back to Cena? This makes not one bit of f*cking sense at all. I mean, it’s so f*cking stupid that Milord thinks it’s dumb. Ratings are up with Edge as champion. Audiences are still booing Cena. A face, even as one as marginal as Cena, in a title chase leading into Wrestlemania is something that even they can’t screw up. Where is the sense in this? The only reason for this happening is to set up Cena/Trip at WM without actually going through the effort of being creative and trying to turn Trip and/or Cena. Over in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum, we’re having a rather vehement discussion about this right now, and we seem to be agreed that some type of anger needs to be projected about this and about the Rumble match, but we’re not sure where. We’re trying to reach consensus on this issue as I write this.

Or we could join CabbageBoy316 in blaming Trip. That always works when you’re trying to find common opinion.

My brain is about to explode. I’m going to need divine intervention here…

Angle/Henry, I admit, I FFed through. After the trauma of the last two matches, do you blame me? My stomach and brain couldn’t stand seeing anything involving Mark Henry. However, if Henry had won, I would have seriously considered giving this up and giving up watching WWE entirely. However, the apres, that’s another issue. I said in the Round Table that they had a plan for DAVE which was revealed by Da Meltz last week, a plan that they were almost certainly going to give up on. That plan, in case you missed the news break, was this: the title challengers would be Henry at Royal Rumble, Undertaker at No Way Out, and Randy Orton at Wrestlemania. So what happens? Someone at WWE reads the Round Table and, just to piss me off like they like to do, decides to reactivate the plan. UT comes out after the match, obviously heralding a match at No Way Out, and Da Meltz says that Angle/Orton is going to be on for WM (obviously after Rey-Rey drops the title opportunity to Orton at some point, maybe at No Way Out). I should just slit my wrists now. Yes, I know it’s vertical, not horizontal.

All in all, another abysmal PPV from WWE. It doesn’t bring much hope going into WM either. Thank God I’m not going home for this one. Between that and spending a few days with my mother, not even the pills will help.


I’ve adjusted my expectations of the universe to include the existence of Cena Fangirls. After all, there’s no denying that he has an element of sexual attraction to women of very impaired taste. But the realm of Cena Fangirls extends beyond that particular border. After all, what does it say when a woman who has no form of sexual attraction to men writes into me defending the indefensible? Let’s hear from Penny Fahlsred-Fife:

It’s one thing to blindly hate Cena.

Blindly, no. Remember, I had LASIK a few years ago. I do nothing blindly now.

You have that right of course,

No, I see it as more of a duty than a right. The IWC must be set in the right direction, like the aimless sheep that they are, and I hold the crook.

even though every bit of bile you spew in his direction suggests your true motivation is being pissed that the man obviously gets more pussy than you, like most IWC Cena haters, although yoiu all swear up and down it’s not the reason.

What? WHAT?! I hate him because he gets more pussy than me? Look, honey, most people get more pussy than me. You know what? I don’t care. I’m 41 years old. I ceased to care about pussy a long time ago. There are lots of reasons to hate Cena; all you need to do is open your eyes. And you say that I’m blind.

“It’s cause they overbook him! Honest!”

No, it’s more that they badly book him. He held on to the title for far too long, and they refused to see the signs. They could start to hear the boos for him last October (which was a couple of months after I started saying that he should drop the strap). It wasn’t until New Years’ Revolution, after the situation became almost uncorrectable, that they finally pushed the button. And now at the Rumble…oh, I thought I already vented about that one.

But to blatantly lie about his crowd reaction, well, that smacks of desperation to be right.

Exactly what are you hearing? Personally, I only have auditory hallucinations when I’m on the pills. Right now, I’m not.

The crowd was onviously behind him the whole night.

Define “onviously”. THAT’S NOT EVEN A FUCKING WORD!

Been 3 weeks now since I heard any noticable booing for him.

Two factors enter into that. One: he doesn’t have the strap anymore, you idiot, and he was in a program with a quite well-developed heel in Edge. Two: they pot the crowd noise down. They’re not stupid. They know that the live audience influences the TV audience.

The crowd chimed along on his Ho jokes.

Personally, I’d like the entire world to be able to fully appreciate the intelligent sense of humor exhibited by a Moliere or an Oscar Wilde or a Monty Python. However, most people are at the intellectual level where the maximum amount of understanding of humor is fart jokes. So don’t give me the “if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you” argument. I think I’ve made it clear how I feel about wrestling fans and their subhuman intellectual level.

His every insult to Lita got a Pop.

Possibly because it was Lita he was insulting? She gets more legit heel heat than Edge.

To lie and say the crowd showed no interest is just sad.

No, I said he received a “lack of reception”, not that the crowd showed no interest. My point is that if he was the upper-card face that WWE wants him to be, he should be getting a commensurate reaction, which he is not.

Either you IWC boys are getting desperate to take him down now that he’s winning the crowd back, or you hate him SO much your brains subconsciously tune out any cheers he gets.

In point of fact, the IWC, with a few exceptions like myself, supported him until around the end of September or the beginning of October of last year. That’s when it became obvious that WWE had no plans for him to grow and no plans for him to drop the strap. We hate him, yes, but we’re realists. Some people have remarked that he’s winning the crowd back, but to others, like myself, it’s obvious that more work needs to be done to reclaim him.

And before you write me off as a Cenma mark, don’t.

I’d only write you off as a mark if you could spell his name right.

I’m a married lesbian. (God I love Canada),

Not for very much longer.

and while I think he’s funny on the mic about 70% of the time,

Which is about 70% more than I do.

he does dick all in the ring to impress me. Cena matches are when I go piss.

Ejections from the alimentary canal run in the other direction for me when I see Cena.

Kind of like Masters matches are when I switch over to local syndicated reruns of Law and Order SVU or CI.

Well, at least you have some taste. Although I can see why Masters would have no appeal to a lesbian. In fact, I don’t think he has any appeal to gay guys either.

Hate the twip wigga all you like, but don’t try to convince your readers the whole crowd agrees with you when the pops were beyond audible.

There’s a difference between “beyond audible” and “a proper level of audience acceptance and reaction for someone in his position”. He has the first. He needs the second. And he doesn’t have the second.

It just kills your credibility.

Lady, I have so much credibility that if I started pushing Boogeyman for a world title shot, it wouldn’t affect it.

And being an “Internet Journalist” you haven’t much afforded to begin with luv.

Have I ever said that I’m a journalist? No, I have journalistic training in my past, which is why I know how to write, but I’m not a journalist. I never said I was. I’m an op/ed columnist. That’s where my credibility stems. People respect my opinions and editorialization because they’re well-formed and intelligently expressed, even when they’re unpopular. They may not like what I have to say, but they respect that I say it. That’s why this column is called “Opinions, Etc.”.

PS – Hating Cena for getting more pussy than you is sad. That’s what hookers and Tammy Sytch are for.

Again with the pussy. Look, just because you munch carpet on a regular basis (and are probably dissatisfied with your marriage in that it removed possibilities for munching a wider variety) doesn’t mean that everyone’s obsessed with it. And as for hookers, I live in Kansas. There hasn’t been a hooker in this state in a hundred years. So, even if I desired it, that option’s out.

Oh, dear God, why must there be such a thing as Cena Fangirls blighting my life? Out, out, out of my reality, bitches.

And now I have to endure the show that he’s now champion of again. Oh, take me away, Short Form…


Match Results:

Rob Van Dam over Gene Snitsky (Pinfall, five-star frog splash): Well, the year of enjoyment that I had not having to watch and summarize Van Dam matches is now over. Fortunately, they forgot the Van Dam Formula in the interim, although I have no doubts that they’re going to remember it the moment that he gets the ring rust off and stops blowing spots like he did in this one. However, there was one return that I did enjoy: Joey Styles calling a Rob Van Dam match. Never thought I’d ever hear that again. Styles always knew how to make Van Dam look better than he is, and he just clicked right back into that mode.

Slick Rick wants to chime in about this one:

Very loud “boring” chant during the RVD match. Ring rust aside, he just doesn’t have any presence outside of the Bingo Hall. he also looked like someone took his teddy bear, which tells me that “zero tolerance” includes ganja.

And that’s why he needs Styles right now. If anyone can make it seem like the Bingo Hall to the audience, it’s Joey.

Oh, by the way, when did Snitsky get his tongue pierced? I never caught that until tonight, for some reason. And maybe I’m showing my age, but why would anyone get their tongue pierced? Ears I can understand (yes, I have a pierced ear), but tongues?

Trip over Chavito, Metaphysical Revenge Match (Pinfall, Pedigree): And the heavenly influence of Eddy continues. Normally, this would have been a three-minute squash. But apparently Trip had so much respect for Eddy that he allowed it to go ten and for Chavito to get in a substantial amount of offense, enough to make Chavito a contender to the IC strap when they decide to take it off of Flair. Sometimes Trip’s paranoia can be channeled into positive efforts, and this was one of them. And it was a pretty good match to boot. They seem to work quite well together, for some unknown reason.

KC Evers (no relation) asks: So, have we officially made it to Eddie Exploitation Phase now?

No, that was last night. Tonight was just making sure that the door that was kicked in was officially off its hinges.

The Big Show and Kane over Carly Colon and Gym Bunny, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, TBS pins Masters, double chokeslam): Well, the spectre of that nightmare has been relieved. Carly and Masters with the tag titles…makes shivers go down your spine, doesn’t it? Not much of a transition main event, but somewhat watchable.

Shelton Benjamin over Goldust (Pinfall, T-bone suplex): Match was decent, but I have more comments about the angle surrounding it in Angle Developments. And since that was already typed in long before this match, I decided not to edit it out, leave it there, and guide you to it.

Edge over John Cena, WWE title match (DQ, Lita-ference): Well, they don’t know how to correct their mistakes, do they, Milord? Oh, by the way, Canadian lesbian, did you hear the “Let’s go, Edge” chants? You barely did, because they were again potting down the audience audio in order to eliminate anti-Cena reaction. As for the weird-ass ending, well, it is logical when you consider wrestling. With a victory in the books over Cena in this one, Edge has the right to say that he deserves more challenges. Of course, they won’t come to fruition either, since Trip/Cena is essentially already set. Sorry, Adam, but it was fun while it lasted.

The Joe In Me wishes to quibble semantics, and I’ll let him:

Edge was never a transitional champion. A transitional champion is someone who holds a title only for the purpose of transitioning it to someone else, usually to prevent a face-vs-face of heel-vs-heel title match. For example, if Cena won the title last night, and Trip won the title from him, Cena would be the transitional champion.

So does Steve Murray:

By definition, Edge cannot be a “transitional champion”. The verb “transition” means “Passage from one form, state, style, or place to another”. Since the champ before Edge was Cena, and the champ *after* Edge was Cena, there is no actual transition. Someone should explain Vocab 101 to Mr. Copeland.

Exactly. “Transitional” implies that there’s actually, like, a transition, not an adjustment and return to equilibrium, which is the case here. But it sounds fancier than “short-term champion”, so that’s why they’re using it, because they’re certain that their audiences are moronic enough to accept the term as it is. Most of the audience, of course, is that moronic. My readers are the exceptions, except when I have a YAM to do.

To be fair to Edge, Lawler used the term while Edge was trapped in the STFU during the match at Royal Rumble, so Edge isn’t the only one misusing terminology here, Steve.

Angle Developments:

Another Two Months Of Build-Up Yet To Come: And so we start with a good old-fashioned Vince promo. I kinda missed that, in a sense. You always know what you’re getting when Vince comes to the ring with a mic. You also know what you’re getting when Michaels comes to the ring with a mic, namely a great performance. The two fortunately combined to produce a nice, concise promo that’s headed exactly in the direction intended, namely on a beeline for Rosemont and a match that’s now certain to be Michaels versus Vince and Shane. In times like these, a little certainty is enjoyable.

Steve Murray sayeth:

Everyone in the IWC is touting the inevitable “HBK vs. Vince” match, but that always struck me as ridiculously one-sided — HBK is still a major championship-level threat. But a handicap, “HBK vs. Vince & Shane” match — now *that’s* money. HBK can carry the face heat, Shane can take his 2 really big “holy shit” bumps, and Vince can fill in the rest, including taking the final Sweet Chin Music shot. Perfect.

Well, they won’t be doing that now due to the blatant nature of that promo and the interference during the Rumble match. Thank God for that, really. If it had gone like we thought it would before last night, it would have marked the first time there was a one-on-one match at Wrestlemania where the competitors’ combined age was in triple digits.

Miscast: I think they made their first bad move with the Shelton’s Mamma scenario. Wouldn’t it have been great if she actually came on to Goldust, especially after the “golden showers” line? It would have been an interesting way to reintegrate Goldust back into the flow of things. It would have also provided Shelton with a little boost from an occasional tag match. Look what Goldust did for Booker when Booker was at his lowest, and we know how well Benjy operates in a tag environment. They should definitely have thought this one through.

Three Little Words: MickieLexis LaJames is a walking ad for Risperdal. Hey, if it helped me, it could help her too. And now, thanks to Ashley Massaro of all people, the audience has a new chant to play with, one that will definitely outlive its shelf life. Gee, thanks.

That covers all of that. As for me, I’ve got an interview with the State of Kansas on Thursday and I’m continuing to ignore all the pimps for my 20th class reunion (college, that is) in June. Just deal with the annoyances in your life like I do mine.