Howdy kids! Dora’s back (and I guess, back in black, since the background of this page is indeed black). And you know that that can mean only one thing: you’re all screwed. For the next few months, I promise to make your lives a living hell, all the while hiding under this comfortable little facade of Survivor analyst.
(Dora adjusts her hat so as to cover the horns, and she puts the flaming pitchfork away. The ominous evil laughter ceases)
This Thursday marks the premier of the TWELFTH Survivor series, with Survivor: Panama – EXILE ISLAND. It’s always refreshing to know that after six years of Survivor, it’s not only still fun, but the crew just keeps us coming back for more. That, and the whole cast invents ways to keep us all enthralled.
As with what I did last season for my premier article (dear God, even I’m getting old. This is my second season bitching about Survivor), I’m gonna take this step by step, first with initial impressions, then with a closer look at these people. I’ll tie it all up with a failsafe, 100% guarantee as to how everyone will do this season.
(chuckles)
So since first impressions are just that, I’m going to look at each person based on the minimal amount of info we’re given about them (name, photo, age, occupation, and hometown). While giving these, I promise not to look at their bio for any more info.
Aras- Even my spell check is yelling at me, indicating that I somehow misspelled this one. Nope. It says he’s a yoga instructor from southern California. Specifically, Santa Monica (which extremely weird because as I was doing this specific section, Everclear’s ‘Santa Monica’ played on my computer). Normally a yoga instructor should suggest he’s fit and in good shape. But another part of me is saying that he’s one of those free-spirited new-wave type people (modern day hippie wannabes). But I’m just ranting. I’ll judge him further later.
Austin- He’s 24 from North Carolina, and he’s an author. People who share their writing with others always have a soft spot in my heart, for I feel what they do. He’s really good looking, but it seems to me that he looks really old for a 24 year old. He looks like a well-aged 40 year old. At least to me he does.
Bobby- An attorney from LA. He looks like someone I do not want to mess with, so I will do the smart thing and NOT judge him by his appearances.
Bruce- An Asian Karate instructor from outside LA. That means he’s an Asian karate guy who lives near Hollywood, and he’s named Bruce. You can all keep your Bruce Lee jokes to yourself. In all seriousness however, Survivor’s recent seasons have said that older guys do not fare well (Willard from Palau, Jim from Guatemala, and Rudy from All Stars). Maybe the format of the tribes will help Bruce, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t.
Cirie- She’s a nurse. Tina Wesson is a nurse, and she won. And Margaret Bobonich (aka Mom of last season) was the loved caretaker of her tribe (albeit for a small amount of time, given the fact that Judd is a douchebag). Expect any Cirie to fit into the nurse’s role and become a beloved member of her tribe.
Courtney- I think I may have my first ‘enemy.’ Her hair is not only all over the place, it’s down right atrocious. She’s a performance artist, which means she sometimes attends open mic night at the poetry coffeehouse in downtown LA. I really hope her bio isn’t all a bunch of ‘poetry’ (aka words thrown together in a non-rhyming scheme), because otherwise, this girls gonna be real easy to pick fun of.
Dan- Who didn’t want to become an astronaut when they were a kid? In the past two seasons, we’ve had to two coolest occupations on Survivor – an NFL QB and an astronaut. I love this guy already! He may be 52 years old, but to go into space, you have to be in top physical shape, and I doubt he isn’t.
Danielle- For the second consecutive season, we have a beautiful woman named Danielle. This girl is down right hot. And she’s in medical sales, which means she either knows her stuff or she’s really good at BSing even the smartest minds. Keep an eye on her.
Melinda- My initial impression of Melinda was the Dixie Chicks. Come to find out, she’s a singer from Tennessee! Booya for me! I was fortunate to go to Tennessee – Nashville, specifically – this past summer, and it was an awesome place that I hope to go back to. Regarding Melinda, I like her for now, simply because she’s got a good smile and people from her state are good people in general.
Misty- I’ve always had some sort of ‘thing’ towards people with cutesy names like Misty. Gaze into her eyes, and you’ll swear she’s staring right back at you (Of course Morgan McDevitt did give me the same feeling last season, and that turned out pretty crappy). And she’s an engineer, which means she’s a smart cookie. For now, I’m going to ignore the kiddy name, and say she’s okay.
Nick- Now that’s what I like to see. What’s he do for a living? The correct answer is: it doesn’t matter!
Ruth Marie- Apparently her parents were indecisive, and could not make a final decision on her name, so they gave her two. I’m sorry, but I can’t get past the childish pigtails on someone old enough to be my mom.
Sally- How did Jenna Lewis get back on for a third time? Is it me, or does Sally really look like Jenna? I can’t judge her any more, so I’m just going to say that Jenna was close to winning All Stars, so if sally is another Jenna Lewis (or Morasca), she could do well.
Shane- Okay CBS, joke over. What’s with all these people from LA? This guy’s hair makes him look like a massive tool. And the fact that he’s an entertainment marketing company means he’s got to be a jerk (doesn’t mean he’s not smart, because he probably is). He reminds me of the radio station owner in Airheads, who like a hammer, was a big tool.
Terry- Another ‘I wish my dad did that for a living’ type of guy. This guy is a hero, because he said so with his fighter pilot wings. This guy is 46, but he does not look it, meaning he must be in good shape. I give him a high ranking for now.
Tina- She’s a logging sports promoter/performer. My first (and still) impression is hick. She just looks like one of those women you’d find on the 11:00 news with a black eye standing in front of her trailer crying. But do not be fooled. She’s involved with logging sports, meaning she is one tough cookie, and she knows how to have fun. Remember Twila was a big hick, and she did very well. If she can fit into her tribe (which, rednecks usually do), she’s in for a while.
Now that the easy part’s over, time to get to know these individuals closer. Time to look into the bios and favorites, and grill them further.
Aras- His name is ‘Sara’ backwards! Maybe it’s like Neleh from Marquesas. It seems this guy has been all around the world, and lead a well-balanced life. It’s weird that such a humanitarian could enjoy Warcraft 2 as his favorite video game. He seems like he really enjoys the outdoors, which should bode well for him. But in all honesty, how could someone going on a reality TV show not watch TV? My guess is that he doesn’t know too much about the game about Survivor based on this, save for the physical/outdoors aspect. He’ll learn quick if he wants to.
Austin- It seems good that he’s a writer as such a young age. That, and his self-proclaimed public speaking skills, could play into effect if he needs to use his words. And I don’t see anything red-flagging me in his bio, so he seems good to me.
Bobby- I think Bobby will be around for a while if for nothing else than his tribemates will not want to vote him out, out of fear. Look at his favorite cereal: corn flakes with protein powder and nonfat. This man knows exactly what he wants. And he’s no slacker in the booze department either. My guess, unfortunately, is that he’s one tough cookie. In a tribe with three other young guys, this sort of attitude can either make or break you. It might not sit well with his fellows, however.
Bruce- Talk about someone else you do not want to mess around with, being a fifth degree black belt. His resume just screams ‘respectable old man type.’ He reminds me of that one crazy teacher everyone had in high school – he was well liked and downright cool, but if you had a problem, go to him and it will all be better. Just look at his music – classical to heavy metal. This guy is cool! I’d give him high marks, but there is the slight age factor. Granted I don’t necessarily think it will become an issue, but the trend may speak for itself.
Cirie- I’m still sticking by the nurse thing. What’s really jumping out at me is the fact that once she learned she’d be on the show, she lost 30 pounds. A friend of mine recently applied to be on the show, and part of his audition video was a mention that he lost 50 pounds. I know from being around him that losing weight is not an easy thing to do, and Cirie deserves mad props for that. Judging by her shirt in her photo, she seems like a good-natured, funny person. Also, the fact that she plays chess and loves reality TV means she’s smart, and should do well on the show.
Courtney- The only thing this chick has going for her is the fact that she’s into gymnastics, so she’s no physical liability. As for the rest, her personality seems like something no one is going to want to be around. Her favorite flower is her ‘Aunt Sandy’s roses’ and her favorite cookie is her ‘Aunt Sandy’s yumalicious cookies.’ I don’t even need to inform you that ‘yumalicious’ showed up on spell check. The fact that she even used such a word indicates she’s got a low maturity level. Another thing that’s low for her is her hairstyle ranking.
Dan- Okay, his last name is Barry, and he’s from Connecticut. Anyone from that region knows there’s a city in western Connecticut called ‘Danbury,’ which is pronounced the exact same way. Of course that means nothing, but it is worth mentioning since I did get lost driving in Danbury once. As for his bio, they omitted the part of “while he was feeding the starving African children, he cured AIDS and cancer in the same tablet.” What can’t this guy do? So long as he does not overplay what he’s done, he’ll be pretty good.
Danielle- Last season, I said if I was a guy, I would be all over Danni. She was attractive, physical, smart, and loved sports (plus rich at the end of the show). I guess I just have a woman-crush on another Danielle again. Her favorite scents are coconut, Febreze, and vanilla. I too am a huge fan of coconut, and I am known to go around my room Febrezing things for the hell of it. Tie those into the fact that she like peanut butter (another good choice) and is good at sports, and it looks to me that she’s on the Danni Boatwright path to success. I give her high marks already.
Melinda- Her bio suggests she’s a fun southern gal. Her bio suggests she’s a CBS whore, who thought mentioning as many CBS shows as possible would help her chances to get on the show. Obviously it did. I’m not getting any good or bad vibes from her.
Misty- She’s got those Amber Brkich eyes, and we all know how successful those can be. I’m mesmerized. As for her bio, she’s also a past beauty queen. Combine Amber with beauty queen (Jenna Morasca and Danni Boatwright), and you’ve got yourself a Survivor megastar. She looks kinda small, but don’t that deter you from saying she’s not physical powerhouse material (her bio says she is). Her favorite magazine is the Victoria’s Secret catalog, which means she probably goes through and points at all the people who aren’t as good as her. She even describes herself as sexy. This means that she’s fully aware of her talents, and knows how to possibly use them for manipulation purposes. I like her.
Nick- Like most males, the wrapping is good, but once you open the present, you’re severely disappointed. I don’t know if it’s some sort of sick joke or not, but he actually lists his favorite actresses as ‘Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.’ I kid you not. Dear God, grant me the courage not to rip a hole through my keyboard while I punch so violently on these keys in anger. What do you say to something like that? You know what I say? I say he loses points. It’s too bad, too, because a lot of other stuff indicates he might be a winner. But I was superficial in judging him by appearances only, and for that I’m sorry. I’ll get to know the real person better. Nick, you are a loser!
Ruth Marie- Okay, so apparently her pigtails exist because they’re more aerodynamic when running a race that makes my walk to school in the morning look like nothing. What’s with this cast? I feel like a failure of a human being for not accomplishing anything yet. Anyway, yet another person who CBS cast to make all of us Joe Schmos feel worthless (My theory: CBS secretly has a contract with Pfizer. CBS makes you depressed because everyone else is better than you, so you get hooked on Zoloft, and Pfizer makes money). She’s such a good person, I’d feel bad pointing out a single flaw (which I’m not sure she has)
Sally- She applied to Survivor five times. That alone folks is enough to say this girl has determination. Also, the girl loves old school Nintendo, including Tetris. She seems like a sweetie.
Shane- My review for Sally was rather abrupt because I still felt like a bad person when compared to people like Ruth Marie. Luckily for my fans, there is someone else to get me going again. Shane is making himself seem like a hero, and he doesn’t even need a lot of space to say that. Even his bio says he ‘makes time to coach his son’s football team.’ Does anyone have a spare Father of the Year trophy around the house? This guy deserves it before the awards ceremony. How do you make time? You don’t; it’s just something busy people say to make themselves look like heroes in front of everyone else who has the same problem. Add to it, his favorite scent is ‘girls that get the perfume right.’ Now I want someone to take the aforementioned trophy and whack him over the head with it.
Terry- now that Shane made me feel like a decent person, along comes Terry to slip me back into that shame spiral. Here’s another guy who can’t not do anything. My worries about people like this is that they have the life experience, but whether they can make it a non-issue determines how successful they are in the game. Terry is yet another case of someone trying to be Superdad. His favorite scents are his wife’s perfume, dinner cooking, and cigar smoke outside. Cigars smell the same inside and outside, it just means that he wants to make himself look like a good guy buy not smoking indoors. His bio features so many alpha-numeric codes that he could be making some stuff up, and I’d have no clue.
Tina- Come get some ham! Sorry for the bad Napoleon Dynamite reference. I’m still amazed at her resume. I’ve been to a lumberjack festival, and I know they’re a blast. That being said, I expect Tina to have a good time in Panama. I give her bonus points for having to go through the death of her son. In her bio, nothing stands out extremely, other than she answered each question with a maximum of two responses. That shows she likes a little of everything, yet is decisive (Look at my first column, and I said the same for Jamie. Although a jerk, he was pretty decisive). I really think she has potential as a winner, but her biggest hurdle will be fitting in. My guess is she’s either final four material or first one off her tribe.
I do very minimal research before each Survivor. I don’t want to learn too much about the cast, because I like to learn about them as I watch the show. That being said, I don’t know the names of the tribes, even though they can be easily looked up. However, I do know from TV ads that there are four tribes, and its divided by age and gender. The picture on the Survivor Panama homepage indicates the following tribes:
Purple tribe (old women): Tina, Cirie, Ruth Marie, Melinda
Orange tribe (old men): Bruce, Terry, Shane, Dan
Green tribe (young men): Austin, Aras, Bobby, Nick
Blue tribe (young women): Sally, Danielle, Misty, Courtney
So what does this all mean: nothing! It’s all hearsay until we actually see the tribes interact within themselves. I know that a group of older women working together is a dangerous combo for opponents, especially because there is less chance of a catfight, so they will probably all stick together. With the girls, there’s a chance of cattiness, so that may get into the way. Or the young women could be out to prove something, and totally kick ass. The older men are all a bunch of physical guys, even for their age, so they may not be the automatic losers. And the young guys are obviously the physical favorites in the game, but will egos or tempers get into the way?
Stay tuned to find out.
Also find out about the Exile Island twist, about which I know nothing. So I’ll save it for next week once I know what it is.
And without further ado, time for my favorite part of my column: the rundown. As with always, this ranks the person’s likelihood of winning, relative to everyone else. This does not necessarily mean that #16 will be the first one kicked out, then #15, etc. It just says that I think #16 is least likely to win. And as always, keep in mind I know nothing about these people yet, so don’t judge me.
16- Courtney Marit. After getting kicked out of the island on day 3, you’ll have 36 days to enjoy yumalicious cookies while cleaning up your nasty hair.
15- Nick Stanbury. Looks aside, I can’t take the Olsen twins comment lightly.
14- Shane Powers. Believe it or not, I think he’s going to impress me. His bio does not attract me to him, but deep down I have a gut feeling that maybe he won’t be all too bad. But for now, all I can go off is what I have, and for him, it’s not too much.
13- Aras Baskauskas. His lack of a favorite TV show is enough of a red flag for me to put him low on the rundown. I still believe he’s not Survivor knowledgeable as he should be.
12- Melinda Hyder. I don’t know enough about her to come up with any substantial guess as to how she’ll fare.
11- Bobby Mason. It looks like he’s lived a tough life and can be a tough player. However, if he’s a tough tribemate, he won’t last too long.
10- Dan Berry
9- Terry Deitz
I’m ranking these guys together, because they seem to be in the same boat. Both are older guys, who are still probably physical. Both have experience with aircraft. Both have impressive jobs. As I said before, I’m not sure how the ‘guess what I’ve done in my life’ card will go over, so for now, I have to keep them in the middle of the pack. I ranked Dan below Terry simply due to age issues.
8- Sally Schumann. Not a lot impresses me about her, including her pigtails. But the fact she applied five times to be on Survivor speaks volumes about her. She obviously loves this game and will not go down in a fight (side note, Danni was ranked #8 in last season’s pre-show rankings. Take that for whatever it’s worth.)
7- Cirie Fields. Let the nurse take the nurture role, and all will be fine. The tribe will be better, and Cirie will find her niche. I like her right now.
6- Danielle DiLorenzo. I don’t see anything wrong with her info, and she does have a few tallies in the ‘good’ column, so #6 is a really good rank.
5- Austin Carty. An attractive young male writer with no conspicuous flaws.
4- Ruth Marie Milliman. At any age, her bio is very impressive. But when you see she’s in her late 40s, those credentials are a little bit more significant. I have a feeling she will do very well on her tribe (the old women), and perhaps even become a captain of said team.
3- Tina Scheer. Tina will either do very well or very poorly. I’m selecting the ‘very well’ limb on which to go out. If she fits in as I hope, she’ll be invaluable to her tribe, both in morale and in toughness (remember how tough rednecks like Sue Hawk and Twila Tanner were?).
2- Bruce Kanegai. I like this old art teacher. He’s got a lot to offer, and I think will become an integral part of her tribe. A bunch of old guys either means senility and crabbiness or it means wisdom in years. Given the age/gender dispersion, I have a feeling that the challenges are going to be such that any tribe can win (ie, more mind than body). With that in mind, a tribe of old guys could work together and rule the mental challenges. I feel that Bruce may be the leader of this bunch.
1- Misty Giles. The allusion to Amber, Danni, and Jenna Morasca is enough to do it to me. This cat knows what’s going on, and she’s the contestant I like the most going into the premier. It’s really funny I put her at #1, because I truly feel that the young women will be sent packing first (no spoilers involved in that decision, in case that it the truth).
And that’s it folks. Have fun watching on Thursday night. I’m going to resume my weekly commentary/ bitch session starting next week (It will be on Wednesday, however, not Tuesday).
As always, I invite you to email me with comments. Realize that I know nothing about Survivor Panama yet, so asking me to explain myself might not be too productive.
Also, I want to thank the people who were involved with reading or suggesting or emailing me regarding my past two columns (Dora’s Insidepule Controversy about Survivor). I wanted to do more, and I plan to in the next off-season.
So until next time, when we discuss the benefits of paper clips, stay cool.
~Dora
