Well, well, well, it’s February already. The month of love, shitty weather and doldrums. Honestly, say what you want about Valentine’s day, but this month belongs to the misanthrope. The miserable, maligned bastards who, for whatever reason, are just in a general shitty state of mind. Judging from the way a lot of my friends have been treating each other, along with how I have been feeling personally, I’ll have to say that I stand justified in saying as much. As well, Stephen Harper gets sworn in this month, which, while it is with a minority Conservative government (and who says the Conservatives aren’t familiar with minorities? HAR!), it’s bad enough that this guy is gonna be my representative to the rest of the world. God.
And to derail this column two paragraphs in, I’d just like to point out that no, Canada is not going to the dogs quite yet. The Conservatives have a minority government and are going to have to play nice with the Liberals, NDP and the Bloq. They aren’t going to be sending folks off to Iraq on the 7th of February, nor will gays be sent to concentration camps, or abortions be outlawed or whatever other boogeymen theories you want to pee your pants about. Nothing too radical will be done, although there will be subtle changes going on with Harper calling the shots. That means that you, the astute, aware and smart Canadian voter owe it to yourself to pay attention to what these changes are so that when the inevitable election comes in the next 2 years or so, you’ll be able to vote smartly and not based on whoever did the slickest attack ads. The big worry right now is a Conservative majority next election. Folks, the Conservatives have their foot in the door right now, and are looking to barge right on in. If you don’t like the Conservatives, this is where you stand up and make sure they don’t get a majority. Now back to our irregularly scheduled column….
There are a couple of reasons to celebrate throughout this month, though, one of which I’ll delve into right now. The Olympics are coming up in just over a week’s time. That means we’ll be able to partake in all the horrible figure skating (how the hell does figure skating net the highest ratings during the Winter Olympics…someone please explain that one to me…), Canadian drive-by shootings (biathlon, natch) and hockey that we can stomach. From the Olympics, we delve straight into March Madness, and from there, we have the NHL playoffs, the Tour de France, the World Cup, and a plethora of sporting events that basically won’t stop until the fall. So while folks’ll be running around agonising over dinner plans and the like, I’ll be in my favorite pub watching Team Canada go for the gold in hockey, and shoot for the bronze in everything else.
And while we’re on the subject, I really don’t know what to make of ‘Special’ Ed Jovanovski being sidelined for the Olympics. On one hand, JovoCop’s play, when he’s been healthy, has been uninspired, as he was leading the league in turnovers at one point, and was playing softer than a cream puff, Special Ed being injured really hurts Nonis’ efforts to try and use him as trade bait. I personally think he’s going to be gone after this season, when he becomes an unrestricted free agent and demands a bloated contract that a) he really doesn’t deserve and b) Vancouver can’t really afford. While I keep holding onto the delusional notion that the greatest French Canadian goalie in the league currently will be gracing the Canucks with his wonderful prescence, having both Unibrow and Special Ed on the IR pretty much puts Nonis over the barrel, sans lube. He’s not in a strong bargaining position, and I’m pretty sure he knows it. Hey, worse case scenario, Nonis can pick up Jose Theodore, and Vancouver can carry on the grand tradition of overvalued goaltenders that stink up the joint.
Speaking of stinkers, but what’s going on with Bertuzzi? As far as I know, Bertuzzi wasn’t in New York long enough to have Yashin’s prescence taint him into a prissy primadonna, so what the hell gives with his on ice play as of late? He was looking really hot leading up to the Olympic announcement and has basically been deciding when and where he wants to play an actual good game. Look, everyone is sick and f*cking tired of the Bobblehead incident with Moore-on, and you can’t use that as an excuse for your shitty play anymore, Todd. Newsflash: Heatley killed someone with his dumbass mistake, and he’s having his greatest season yet with those damnable Senators. Nonis is paying you the big bucks to do your job, so, start damn well doing it.
Moving away from the Canucks love-in, what in the holy hell is going on in the league right now? Carolina first overall? Toronto being out of the playoff hunt for the time being? I’ll have to admit it’s nice seeing some unpredictability creep back into the game, where even teams like Columbus can look dangerous on any given night. All in all, I think the year off has really helped the league, and once the teams get used to actually developing talent, it’s going to be quite interesting.
Anyway, for the few readers that haven’t been totally alienated by this nonsensical sports talk about ‘that sport’, let’s get down to covering some actual music news, K!?
Noows
– Depeche Mode and Tool are going to be co-headlining the Coachella festival. Included in the line up are Sigur Ros, Sleater-Kinney, Bloc Party, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, The Walkmen, The Zutons, Common, Franz Ferdinand, Deerhoof, The Magic Numbers, Minus The Bear, The Subways, Giant Drag, Ladytron, Cat Power, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Scissor Sisters, James Blunt, TV on the Radio, Mogwai, and the Go! Team. Seems to be a pretty solid lineup, although not as strong as previous years. I mean, James Blunt? Who the hell is this asshole and what has he done to merit inclusion to the Coachella lineup? One hit single does not a festival appearance make. And seriously, can someone please explain to me the joke with Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!? Boring ass group, from what I have heard of them, yet Pitchfork and the rest of the music elite don’t seem to get tired singing their praises. Hell, maybe I am getting out of touch with things.
Also, the rumors swirling around of a Smashing Pumpkins reunion were quashed this week, as management for Billy Corgan denied that the band was getting back together. Give it a couple more years, kids, sheesh! They only broke up, like, not even 10 years ago. I was still in freaking high school when the Pumpkins croaked. Ya gotta give it at least a decade before the reunion rumors start swirling around. Case in point: The Pixies.
– Thursday, one of the few emo/screamo/whatever the f*ck they are groups that I actually don’t mind, have a new CD coming out on May 2nd. They are apparently going back to the studio in February (uh oh) to record some more material. Remember what I said about February belonging to the miserable? It doesn’t get much worse than Thursday, folks, whether you’re a fan or not.
– Apparently the music and video game industry have just recently discovered seeding. Okay, that was horribly lame of me, but I don’t get why folks are getting outraged with this concept. I personally find the concept of developing a number of Internet personas, while getting paid to do so fascinating. One thing that many of these folks who are opposed to ‘viral’ or ‘seed’ marketing don’t seem to realise is that the consumer has a brain of his own. Just because Shitty Band or Horrible Video Game is trumpeted by some sly marketing crony on the edges of cyberspace doesn’t mean folks will be automatically brainwashed, people. That said, I think I could really go for a DELICIOUS DIET PEPSI, THE DIET PEPSI THAT HAS A LIGHT, CRISP REFRESHING TASTE WITH ZERO CALORIES AND FAT. MMM MMM MMM, THIS WOULD HAVE TO BE MY FAVORITEST CARBONATED BEVERAGE, EVER.
– Hawksley Workman, an artist whom I can’t seem to get enough of (which probably makes me a raging homosexual to approximately 90% of the online community, especially since I also professed liking an emo band, oh, the horrors), has a new disc coming out on the 14th. From the sounds of it, it looks like Hawksley’s attempts at creating a radio friendly pop persona went over about as well as Britney Spear’s new ‘curvacious’ figure, and he’s going back to his offbeat folkie roots. Huzzah!
– Speaking of the Slovenly One, Spears the Hutt is apparently on a mad tear through the world’s religions, to the dismay and horror of many. After finding Kaballah to be not to her liking, Britney has apparently gone Hindu. Yeah, as if India and Pakistan don’t have reason enough to institute nuclear holocaust upon us all, we now have Britney shitting all over the Upanisads. It’s been a while since my Eastern Religions courses. I’ll make the understatement of the year by saying that this will not last, and we should probably expect her to delve into State Shinto, then probably Greek Orthodox, Mormonism, and then, finally, Scientology. Honest, if Britney Spears has not embraced Tom Cruise’s ways by the end of the year, I will be REALLY surprised.
– Fact: Chuck Norris jokes are totally and utterly past their expiration date, and will be swept under the proverbial Internet rug. The O RLY? owl will endure, though. YA RLY!
– Bono, apparently still suffering from horribly grand delusions, is going to take a shot at rapping for the next U2 album. Ye f*cking gads. Can someone hand this guy a Nobel Peace Prize so he can just go away? That, or can we get that whole World Peace thing happening? Thanks.
– Now would be about the time I pretend I have a readership that a) cares about my column and b) would actually follow through on this. Apparently, 50 Cent is looking at becoming a children’s author. That is, he is planning on writing a series of books for children to impart valuable life lessons that he, the former crack dealer and gunshot victim, learned while growing up. This would be where I ask YOU, dear reader, to submit your best witty retort to me about this, because, frankly, this is way, way, waaaaaaaay too easy for one man alone to horde. Something as ridiculous as this begs for public ridicule and mocking.
And…I got nothing else. What a slow news week. Courtney Love has, like, died or something, cos she hasn’t been up to ANYTHING as of late. I need to find me a new whipping post, now that she’s apparently gone sober.
Anyway, that’d be it for this week, I’ll see you all in 2!
