RumbleMania!
I wasn’t going to watch the Royal Rumble this year, and I love watching the Royal Rumble. I still consider myself a big wrestling fan, but my interest in WWE has slowly worn away to the point where now, it is all but non-existent. It’ll come back one day, I guess. It always does. At the last minute, I got an email from my old friend Verne inviting me to watch the PPV at his place. Even then, I wasn’t sure if it would be worth it. Going to Verne’s involves a ferry ride and a long drive, from where I live. In the end the lure of cracking jokes and making fun of the matches with a bunch of fellow wrestling fans proved too strong to resist. I went, and it was well worth it.
Aside from Mysterio winning the Rumble the show itself sucked, of course. Pretty much everybody agrees about that. What I enjoyed were the Mystery Science Theater aspects of watching it with the guys.
Verne is a SLAM! Wrestling Hall-of-Famer, and he owns and operates A1 Wrestling Videos. He knows a hell of a lot more about wrestling than I ever will. It’s a blast to watch shows with him, and get his insight into what’s going on. Even better, I almost always pick up a couple of new tapes or DVDs every time I see him. This visit was no different, and I picked up Cascadia Entertainment’s Wrestling: Volume 1. I was surprised to find that, on a DVD featuring such legends as Lou Thesz, Killer Kowalski, and Dick the Bruiser, my favourite match was the following:
Gorgeous George vs. Jesse James, 2/3 Falls from Hollywood Stadium
Goerge’s Valet, whom the commentator introduces as Thomas Ross, enters the ring first. He’s carrying a silver platter, on which is an oversized perfume atomizer with which he’ll ‘disinfect’ the ring. Thomas doesn’t just give a couple of half-hearted puffs like Rick “The Model” Martel used to do with his Arrogance, he liberally soaks the ring in ‘Chanel no. 10.’ The commentator says, his voice full of disgust, “Oh brother! You should smell that perfume.” Thomas lays out a cerise mat, the lights dim, and Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance march begins to play. It’s pretty widely reported that George was the first wrestler to make use of entrance music. He cuts a grand figure, striding slowly towrds the ring, tossing flowered garlands to the crowd as they howl for his blood. The expression on George’s face is a regal yet unhappy sneer. He knows that he’s superior to these mere peasants, but he has to endure them for the time being. The robe that George wears is simply amazing, even in grainy black and white. You can see right away that Ric Flair has studied his share of Gorgeous George entrances. By the time the wrestler enters the ring, the fans are going crazy, and the ref is fighting to hold back his laughter. Standing on the mat that his valet had prepared for him, George bows elaborately as the crowd boos, whistles, and yells insults at him.
The entrance still has not been completed, as there is now the small ceremony where Thomas removes the Gorgeous one’s hair pins, which are then tossed into the crowd. “Those are not bobby pins,” we are told, “They are gold Gorgeous Georgie pins.”
The ring announcer, who has a voice like Will Farrell’s Harry Carrey, introduces, “From the great state of Texas, weighing two twelve, Jesse James!” James is, surprisingly, not a cowboy, but a wrestler of Greek descent. Then we are introduced to “The Toast of the Coast… That Human Orchid…” to a mixture of boos, laughter, and isolated cheers.
Referee Cecil Pain(e) frisks James, and George wants to lend a hand, drawing a great homophobic reaction from his opponent. When the ref goes to check him, George bats his hands away, screeching “Keep your hands off of my robe!” Eventually, George agrees to allow his valet to remove the robe. The fans howl with indignation and are scolded, “Shut up… you filthy peasants!” When the ref tries again to frisk George, the valet sprays perfume all over him. The Human Orchid inspects his manicured nails with a studied disinterest, as the frustrated Pain(e) tries to explain the rules of the match. George interrupts him to insist that he tell Jesse James not to touch his hair (which had been curled to perfection by Franklin and Joseph). James offers to shake hands, but George sneers at the gesture and wanders off to instruct his valet on how to take care of his beautiful robe. The ref tries to get the match started, but he’s repeatedly given the brush-off.
First Fall
Finally, the bell rings. George circles James, avoiding the lock-up. When his opponent gets too close, George steps into the ropes and says, “We will wrestle when I’m ready, dear boy.” Frustrated, James grabs George and musses up his hair. George flies into a rage and swings wildly at James, missing completely.
Not a single strike or hold has been exchanged, but the crowd is going bonkers.
James clamps on a Headlock out of the break, and again messes up the golden curls. George throws a minor fit and the announcer loves it, “Oh ho ho! He… he literally stamped his feet. HA ha ha ha!”
James gets a Wristlock, and George goes to the ropes again. Out of the break, quick as lightening, the Greek wrestler is pulled down by his hair and trapped in a leg lock. George is fierce here, twisting the joint and using the ropes for leverage. I am starting to understand why Rico’s attempt to replicate this gimmick failed. I don’t think that Gorgeous George drew heat merely for being effeminate. I think he drew heat for an being effeminate and totally self-absorbed snob and coward, who wouldn’t think twice before crippling you if you gave him half a chance. There’s an important difference there.
The crowd’s hatred of George is palpable. They are all genuinely angry that he is cheating. The ref sees George’s foot pushing the ropes and calls for the break. George rolls right out of the ring, a look of terror in his eyes. He charges wildly back in, only to be met by a hard elbow. James twice throws him across the ring by his hair. On the third attempt, George reverses into a Rolling Flying Hip Lock. This is apparently his finishing move. He catches James’ head, kicks his legs up so that he’s parallel to the mat, and snaps his hips, rolling James over his shoulder and slamming him into the mat. James bumps beautifully, and the whole thing looks damn near as sharp as a Ricky Steamboat Arm Drag. George hits the move again, and traps his opponent in an over and under and rolls him into a Body Press… and that’s it. The first fall is over and the fans cannot believe their eyes. George gets in a quick cheap shot and struts around proudly as the stadium erupts in boos.
Second Fall
As Thomas is pampering George in his corner with smelling salts, water, and a cup of tea, George’s second enters the ring carrying a bag. In the bag is an oxygen tank and face mask, and on the side of the bag is written, in giant letters, “Florida Air.” You can clearly see everyone in the first couple of rows bursting into laughter as they realize what’s going on. George, however, plays it perfectly straight, instructing his valet too adjust the levels and breathing deeply from the mask. As George enjoys his special air, Thomas tries in vain to fix his damaged curls.
The second fall is even faster than the first. George comes out like a house afire, slugging James and taking him down with snap mares. He hits his dazed opponent with another Rolling Flying Hip Lock, but the attempt at a second is blocked by a charging Headbutt. James knocks George down again, then hits what must be his finisher: A Dropkick, Kip-up, Dropkick, Kip-up combo that he executes with speed and finesse. Three seconds later, and we’re all tied up at one fall apiece. This makes the fans in Hollywood very happy.
Third Fall
The third fall is a lot more straightforward. There is a classic closed fist “Turn About is Fair Play” spot, then a lengthy segment where George pulls out every trick in the book. The Toast of the Coast controls most of the action until James traps him in a standing Indian Death Lock. George struggles and fights but he can’t break the hold. Just as it appears George is about to give up, he catches James’ arm and rolls him up for a quick three. It happens so fast that the crowd isn’t quite sure what happens. Some of them cheer. Then, it begins to sink in that George has stolen yet another victory. There are cries of anger and disbelief. The referee untangles the wrestlers’ legs, and explains the situation to a furious James. George limps, bloodied but victorious, around the ring. The fans scream insults and pelt him with garbage. One cigar-smoking guy in the front row storms off in disgust.
My Opinion
When talk turns to which wrestlers are The Greatest this or that, the arguments most often revolve around things like technical ability, selling, psychology, move set, and execution. By those criteria, Gorgeous George was an above average wrestler, but not a great one. When it comes to working the crowd and drawing heat, however, he was a genuine pioneer, and arguably the greatest of all time.
If you’d like to learn more, you can read nice biographies of George here and here.
