In Memoriam: Al Lewis, without a doubt the world’s coolest grandpa.
In Memoriam II: Betty Friedan, whose call to get women out of the kitchen and out of the business of having babies for a living was a call to revolution. And for the benefit of all of us, it worked. Let’s not ruin her legacy by giving up America to conservative dictates.
The fact is simple: Coretta Scott King didn’t want to live in a world with such a thing as Justice Alito. And neither do I. I’ll be honest as well, if you’ll allow me: the moment that Roe is overturned, and it will be within the next year, I’m going to go hunting Republicans. Considering where I live, they shouldn’t be hard to find (or maybe I’ll head back home and hunt down Kubryk, which might make some guys in Movies happy). The good thing is that this won’t hurt my chances at employment by the state, because the guv’s a Demo. And she’s pretty cute in a Hot For Teacher sort of way.
It’s all a positive-balances-negative thing, otherwise known as karma. For instance, Martina Hingis has already won Comeback Player Of The Year in any sport, and that’s a positive (despite her loss in Tokyo to the Demented One in the finals). The repulsive, disgusting Reggie White being named to the Pro Football Hall Of Fame (located, of course, in Canton, Ohio, the place where this column started, by the way) is a negative. Tigger not shooting well the entire fourth round at Dubai is a negative. Tigger nailing two birdies at 17 and 18 to force Boring Ol’ Ernie into a playoff and taking the tournament on the first extra hole is a positive. The fact that this was Tigger’s 57th win worldwide makes one wonder about both positives and negatives in re the Steelers (you may have to think about that one). Is it a “good sign” or not?
Oh, well, did you remember that Friday was the 5th anniversary of the debut of the XFL? I didn’t until PTI told me. My big disappointment with Kornheiser and Wilbon in this instance was the fact that they didn’t mention that the XFL’s only MVP has an opportunity to win a Super Bowl ring on Sunday, but not if he has to come into the game (except in garbage time). And they didn’t mention the fact that the XFL’s most popular player has already appeared in a Super Bowl. Shoddy journalism. Not even Reali picked up on that, but you wouldn’t expect him to. He’s ESPN’s version of Josh Matthews.
So that leads to the question of whether I will be watching the game after all my interest in football flew out the window three weeks ago. Sporadically, I’ll have to admit. Normally I blow off the National Anthem, especially during Republican administrations, but, jeez, man, it’s Aretha. Gotta tune in for that. And obviously I’ll be either watching or downloading the commercials. The game itself? Well, I’m torn. I mean, if it’s only one white coach with a mustache, the decision’s easy. But with two of them? I can only hope that this makes a mustache as sole facial hair more fashionable, so I can be on the cutting edge for once. I hate goatees. As for the score, who cares?
But my interest this week turned to Hollywood, as the Big Nominations were announced. I decided that this year, I’ll take the plunge again and try to make some predictions. I’ll go for the Big Eight this time and see how I do…
INSIDE PULSE’S FIRST OSCAR PREDICTIONS COLUMN, AND IT’S NOT EVEN BY A MOVIES GUY
Let’s just get right to the meat of the gist, shall we?
BEST PICTURE:
Nominees:
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night and Good Luck
Munich
Here’s one of Hollywood’s Dirty Little Secrets that I’m about to reveal. Brokeback Mountain is supposed to be so groundbreaking and original, right? Well, here’s the plotline: two guys, one probably straight and one probably gay, meet and fall in love, and it ruins their lives. That’s a good summary, right? It’s also a good summary of the plot of Sunday, Bloody Sunday, which was released in 1971. There is nothing new under the sun, folks. Here are the only differences between Brokeback and Sunday:
1) Peter Finch was a far, far superior actor to Heath Ledger. And Finch did eventually end up winning an Oscar, something Ledger will never do.
2) Jake Gyllenhall will never do a song as catchy as “One Night In Bangkok”.
3) Ang Lee has never had the misfortune of having to work with Dustin Hoffman.
That’s it. So why am I picking it to win? Because a movie about gay guys in the West is a political statement these days in addition to being acceptable entertainment. It was a damn good film to boot, and has two pieces of sure-fire Oscar bait: beautifully-photographed scenery and a love story between two good-looking people. It’s the only film anyone’s talking about, despite Crash breaking through at the SAGs. If there’s a backlash, it’ll go to Crash. Right now, though, the horses are still in the barn and the sheep are being molested.
Winner – Brokeback Mountain
BEST ACTOR:
Nominees:
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night and Good Luck
What’s the one surefire way of winning an Oscar? Play a celebrity, preferably a dead one. Usually, that’ll point you right at a winner. Oh, but not this year. That rule of thumb only eliminates two candidates, Ledger and Howard. Otherwise, we’ve got Hoffman playing Truman Capote, Phoenix playing Johnny Cash, and Strathairn playing Edward R. Murrow, and all of them were incredibly convincing. Phoenix will be the first knockout in this group due to that lack of Best Picture nomination. So, who to choose? Well, if it’s between these two…Hollywood loves honoring itself more than anything else. And Capote’s works have been adapted into movies (Breakfast At Tiffany’s) and he did some screenwriting as well. We have a winner.
Winner – Philip Seymour Hoffman
BEST ACTRESS:
Nominees:
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride and Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Well, here’s the category I normally screw the pooch on big-time. Weak field this year, so that doesn’t help my chances any. So let’s break it down. Dame Judi got nominated because she’s Dame Fuckin’ Judi. Knightley’s seen as a lightweight. Theron just won a couple years ago, and they might have learned their lesson after they woke up last year and realized that they’d given a pair of Academy Awards to Hilary Swank, of all people. That leaves Huffman and Witherspoon. Witherspoon’s playing a Dead Celebrity, and her critical respect has skyrocketed recently, so you might think that would be a good indicator. But you’d be wrong. Hollywood loves gender-bending. Witness the Oscar for Linda Hunt. Witness Jaye Davidson almost beating Gene Hackman. Now add in the great critical notices for Huffman’s film and her television stardom. Blend with the fact that this is going to be the Year of the Gay. Voila, instant winner.
Winner – Felicity Huffman
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Nominees:
George Clooney, Syriana
Matt Dillon, Crash
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
William Hurt, A History of Violence
By far the toughest category this year to handicap. There’s a lot of support for Giamatti because people felt he got screwed out of a Best Actor nomination last year for Sideways. I don’t. Thomas Haden Church was the real attraction of that film. Giamatti’s performance this year deserves a nomination, but it wasn’t a knockout. I’m going to write off Gyllenhaal as well, because I have this feeling that the Academy members are treating Brokeback as a director’s film, not a performers’ one. That leaves three long-time vets, any of whom would be a popular choice. I know that whenever I pick someone on the basis of a comeback year, that person always loses, therefore I’m leaving William Hurt out. He had a great 2005, and it was wonderful to see him back, but I’m not cursing him. Clooney’s a good liberal, so I wouldn’t be averse to choosing him. His chances all depend on whether or not Hollywood wants to send a statement to the Junta (this is a political year, after all), and this would be the safer category to do it in rather than Best Director or Best Screenplay, where Clooney also has nominations. But Matt Dillon’s a Hollywood lifer, and most of the people there feel he hasn’t been given much respect over the years. It’s both a vote of confidence in him and a way to honor Crash in a major category. So that’s the direction I’ll go. I’m not confident. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Clooney getting this one at the beginning of the show, or Hurt, or for that matter even Giamatti. But I’ve got to put my money down on someone.
Winner – Matt Dillon
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Amy Adams, Junebug
Catherine Keener, Capote
Frances McDormand, North Country
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain
Leave Williams out of the running for the same reason as Gyllenhaal. McDormand’s always a popular choice around awards time, but she’s been benefitting from a protracted critical backlash against Fargo that’s been going on for a few years; it’s almost as if every one of her nominations is a message saying, “Hey, we made the right choice when she won Best Actress”. Adams I really have no opinion about; she’s the “Huh?” nomination this year. Keener’s one of the favorite performers in Hollywood, but her performance in Capote really wasn’t that good. It’s a nomination on rep and the rep of the film rather than on the performance. I think that a lot of people out there feel that The Constant Gardener got robbed when it came to nominations, and they’re going to want to honor the film somehow.
Winner – Rachel Weisz
BEST DIRECTOR:
Nominations:
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Paul Haggis, Crash
George Clooney, Good Night and Good Luck
Steven Spielberg, Munich
Is there even an argument about this one? I’m surprised that London bookies are even taking bets on it. Hollywood’s been looking for an excuse to give an Oscar to Ang Lee, and he gave them a good one. There’s nobody who’s going to argue with this choice at all. Even a pro forma Spielberg nomination won’t change it. Enough said.
Winner – Ang Lee
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Nominations:
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
George Clooney and Grant Heslov, Good Night and Good Luck
Woody Allen, Match Point
Noah Baumbach, The Squid and the Whale
Stephen Gaghan, Syriana
In case you weren’t counting, this is Woody’s fourteenth Best Screenplay nomination. He’s won twice. That figure will stay stable. The SAGs gave a lot of momentum to Crash. It’s not going to be enough to get it Best Picture, but it’s enough to get its screenplay over the hump in a relatively weak field.
Winners – Haggis and Moresco
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Nominations:
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain
Dan Futterman, Capote
Jeffrey Caine, The Constant Gardener
Josh Olson, A History of Violence
Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, Munich
Five truly great screenplays to choose from. However, there’s not many awards that have the cachet of the Pulitzer, and there are two winners in this bunch. It’s got to be one of them taking this home. Here’s the problem that Tony Kushner has. He’s a first-time screenwriter, and he’s disdained Hollywood in the past in favor of Broadway. An actor can get away with that. A writer usually can’t unless he’s got an enormous reputation, somewhere on the level of a Lillian Hellman. Kushner’s not quite at that level. Plus, any film that Spielberg touches becomes his, so a writer’s contribution automatically gets downgraded. But everyone loves Larry McMurtry. The only drawback he has is that Annie Proulx has been lukewarm in her praise of the screenplay adapted from her short story. But Hollywood’s learned to tune out disgruntled writers in the past. After all, screenwriting is a different form of art than prose writing.
Winners – McMurtry and Ossana
Most awards this year? Tack on the Cinematography and Score awards for Brokeback, chalk it up at five, and declare it the winner.
Well, after blowing it off last year, that was fun. Maybe it’ll attract more readers to this column. It does have a shitty timeslot, after all.
On to the fun…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro over Super Crazy and Psicosis, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Nitro pins Super Crazy, Greco-Roman boot shot): Leave the shitty ending aside, but accept it for dramatic purposes. Otherwise, this was damn fun. WWE tag matches have been so formulaic for so long that anything daring to break that formula becomes worthy of praise. However, this one had the chops to back up that praise in other fashions. When they’re in there with the Mexicools, MNM is a different tag team. They speed up their game, they become more athletic, and they tend to mesh well. With less-physically-accomplished teams, they don’t live up to those standards, by and large. But when it’s Super Crazy and Psicosis, hey, bring the popcorn, it’s gonna be one helluva ride. I’m not sure what other team on Smackdown can bring up their game to a higher level. Maybe Regal and Burchill…oh, damn…okay, Regal and Taylor then (Taylor’s down in Deep South right now). MNM versus the Blue Bloods. That could be interesting.
Should I be racist and say something about “jumping beaners”? Not when Mrs. King is laying in state. I’ll save it for next week.
That’s what Korderis gets for trying to wreck Super Crazy’s fun
Bobby Lashley over Chad Dick (Pinfall, Dominator): Well, pretty much what you’d expect just from seeing the competitors’ names. Total squash, James Dick getting involved, and all a setup for a feud between Lashley and High-Quality Speaker Boy. By the way, if you want to get Lashley down to last name only, please tell Tony Chimel to stop using his first name when doing intros or announcing results.
Sometimes, a guy doesn’t like a Dick near his face
Tzuki over Octagoncito (Pinfall, arm-bar rollup): Oh, God, it’s the f*cking midgets again. At this point, hell, just go all the way. Midget battle royal at Wrestlemania. Why not? Randy Orton’s going to be in a main event. You can’t degrade it any further. Although Tzuki did a nifty somersault plancha during the match. Give credit where it’s due and all that. Although with Mascarita Sagrada in the house, why use these guys? That dude knows how to put on a show.
Why am I prejudiced against the midgets? Well, that goes back to the late 70s. I was watching your typical Sunday morning local wrestling show on a fuzzy UHF station back in Chicago when, during commercial, the announcer started to pimp a house show for the local promoter. I don’t remember anything about the rest of the card (Moose Cholak may have been on it), but I do remember one thing. The announcer’s voice went up in volume and pitch, and he said words that I have never forgotten: “AND THE MIDGETS WILL BE HERE!” It sounded like he was having an orgasm, honestly. If you want to cause some permanent psychological damage to someone going through puberty, make a connection between midget wrestling and orgasm. I trust that explains this situation. Nothing against the midgets, but you can’t overcome that kind of abuse.
And you thought the logo for That Phil Collins Song was bad
For some reason, it’s more impressive when TBS does it
Our Lord and Savior over Fit Finlay, US Title Proxy Match (DQ, Paisley-ference): Oh, yeah, I’m definitely here for this one. At last, something on this show that isn’t an excuse for me to do something while waiting for Galactica to download. Trust me, I was not disappointed. And Booker brought up the fact that the Best Of Seven in WCW was for the Number One Contender’s position for Finlay’s title. Wonderful match, even though I expected nothing less from them. Now, here’s a serious WM booking idea: either a US Title match or Number One Contender’s Match for said, but have a Triple Threat: Benoit/Finlay/Regal. Give it twenty, and watch every workrate freak go through a roll of paper towels mopping up the spooge and drool. I’ll also enjoy the irony of a Canadian, a Brit, and an Ulsterman fighting over the US title.
James Lawson, though, put this match and the prospect of more involving great mat wrestlers into perfect perspective: To give you an idea of how good the Finlay/Benoit match was up until the end, my wife passed by right after the match started and commented that she hoped the two of them didn’t seriously hurt each other.
Sometimes, the word “intense” is so inadequate
When Korderis feels the pain, it has to be nasty
Randy Orton and Mark Henry over Rey-Rey y Kurt Angle (Pinfall, Orton pins Rey-Rey, reversed sunset flip): It’s difficult to work up any enthusiasm for any match featuring Randy Orton and Mark Henry. It’s even more difficult to do so when they’re teamed together. Excellent carrying job by Angle and Rey-Rey in this one. They made it watchable, and that’s serious praise. But, really, who cares? Angle and Henry are blowing off their angle, and even conveniently abandoned the arena to turn the ending into an Angle Advancement Match for No Way Out. In other words, this was your typical post-PPV main event (also see Raw for another example).
Watch for a repeat of this scene at No Way Out
Okay, who else started yelling “Break it! Break it!” at the screen?
Angle Developments:
Grand Theft Orton: I live in a realm at the convergence of the demi-planes of Cynicism, Negativity, and Farce. I like to think I rule that realm. However, Vince McMahon has decided to usurp that power, should it exist. He’s managed to do this by combining the powers of the three demi-planes in one strong, mind-bending assault on everything I stand for: the Rey-Rey/Orton match at No Way Out. Cynicism came Sunday at the Rumble with Rey-Rey winning only because Eddy died and they want to make some money off of his corpse (I may be an amoral slimeball son of a bitch, but even I have my limits; making money off the dead in such a ham-fisted fashion is where I draw the line). Negativity came into play on Smackdown when our worst fears were realized: “creative” is so f*cking lazy that when Batista was injured, they didn’t bother changing the booking plans they had in place when DAVE was still among the healthy. Henry at RR, UT at No Way Out, Orton at WM. That was the plan, and by God, they’re sticking to it. And Farce? That comes your way, wrapped up in a nice big bow, when Orton goes over Rey-Rey, thus turning the Rumble match into a total joke and compressing the build-up for Wrestlemania rather than having a nice, slow burn that can build audience interest. Of course, we’re talking about Orton here, so audience interest is also a joke.
You know, Orton could have a nice career as an upper-mid-carder who occasionally gets his place in the spotlight and his share of secondary belts. Of course, they pissed on that option by treating Jericho and Christian, two guys in that position, rather shabbily. And Orton has become one of thsoe mistakes that Vince never owns up to. He’s now Billy Gunn without the Texas accent and a bigger ass. If you want a glimpse at the booking future of John Cena, circa next year at this time, you’re looking at it. This means, of course, that we all suffer. Thanks, Vince. Thanks a lot.
A convention of the Undeserving
Since People Have Asked…: And since I downloaded the Aussie feed yet again and can verify this, the way Michael Cole mispronounces “Brisbane” is as “bris-bayne” (“bris” as in the Jewish circumcision ceremony), with equal emphasis on both syllables. Now the way I’ve always heard it pronounced by Australians is “BRIZ-bin”. Yes, honestly, people are wondering if I’m shitting about Cole (and occasionally Matthews) mispronouncing that name, and, believe me, I’m not. God, I can’t wait for them to go to Australia next month so I never have to hear Cole mangle that name again.
Since I’m not watching the American feed, how do I know that they’re not pimping the Aussie tour on there? Well, they made it obvious this time. The pimp was definitely dubbed in separately from the match call during the MNM/Mexicools match. The volume and EQ didn’t come close to matching the call of the match. Before and after the pimp, Tazz and Cole sound like they’re whispering into the microphones, then all of a sudden, here comes Cole’s booming voice shouting out that WWE is coming to Australia. Their audio engineers are usually better than this.
When was the last time UT cut a normal promo inside of the ring? I can’t remember.
Benoit’s contemplating how to eat FudgePacker alive. I’m contemplating how much it could cost me to watch it.
Insert Brokeback Mountain joke here
Aaargh, Mateys: Okay, so the pirate gimmick didn’t work for Pierre Oulette. However, conditions are different for Burchill. First of all, the guy has tons of personality (or so I’ve heard), and he’s got the looks to pull it off (as long as he sticks to poofy shirts and avoids an eyepatch). Second, POTC2 is going to be coming out soon, which makes the gimmick au courant. Third, it looks like they’re going to play this for laughs, which means that it shouldn’t hurt Burchill in the long run; they also now have a template on how to get a long run out of something as dubious and stupid as this in re Novocaine Helms. Fourth, it means that Regal’s available for a US title push (see above regarding my ideas for WM concerning him), and anything that helps Regal get a push is aces by me. I just wanted to include these facts to counter the complete negativity the IWC has toward this announcement. You know how I love to play the contrarian.
They’re as skeptical about this as we are
A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Since this will be out on Super Bowl Day, I’ll take advantage of something 1bullshit Junior put up. In case you want more of Candice Michelle than you’d ever imagined, GoDaddy has put up most of their fourteen attempts at getting a commercial past ABC Standards and Practices on their site for download. Here is the link to that page. Watch and masturbate to your heart’s content.
ANOTHER SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: MILORD PROVES YET AGAIN HE’S A ‘TARD
Over at 1bullshit Junior, Scherer speculated about a rumor that WWE might move One-Night Stand to Philly this year, but they’d have to get a different location other than the Bingo Hall? Why? “I don’t believe the ECW Arena is an option, especially since it looks nothing like the Arena since they’ve renovated the place.”
Uh, Dave, so the f*ck what? Whenever an indy show is done at the Bingo Hall, what location does your site list it at? The ECW Arena. So, therefore, the renovated Bingo Hall is good enough to be called the ECW Arena for any indy fed, thus giving them that cachet, but when WWE wants to do an ECW show, all of a sudden, it’s not good enough because it’s been “renovated” and therefore won’t be the “real” ECW Arena? Oh, does your hypocrisy and hatred of WWE know no bounds, Milord? Wait, why am I asking that? Of course it doesn’t. We already know this.
And why exactly would you want it to be as authentic as possible? Wouldn’t that be the same place that attracted “bloodthirsty fans”, whom you so famously blamed for New Jack being stupid enough to injure himself on a balcony dive? Oh, yes, Milord, I shall never forget that one, and I shall never stop reminding the audience that you said that. Yes, it’s been almost six years now, but I don’t forget, and nor shall my readers.
Let’s be honest here. If One-Night Stand was moved to Philly and was held anywhere but the Bingo Hall, every single fan would be up in arms. And once you heard the reaction from them, so would you, Milord, because you’re a f*cking sheep. And a practiced, expert hypocrite to boot, so no one would say anything about it to you. If One-Night Stand is in Philly, it has to be there, period. Any other location would be a discredit to the memory of ECW. How do you get along with the “renovations”? Simple. Heyman comes out at the beginning of the show and says, “Wow, this place looks great! They did a nice job renovating it, didn’t they? Well, too bad for them, because by the time this night is over, it’ll be looking like the Viking Bingo Hall ten years ago!” Problem solved, except for the insurance adjusters.
That being said, it’ll be at the Hammerstein again, and we all know it. There’s no way Vince would take a chance at having it at the Bingo Hall, with all the concommitant risks that go along with being there. Mostly from the batshit fans who will attempt to kill any WWE wrestler if they try the same gimmick as last year.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Rhiyno over Kenny King: Yeah, typical squash and a sort of Angle Advancement Match despite the lack of presence of Abyss. However, I like to notice Haley’s Little Things, and the one that came across in this match is that Kenny King is getting better at taking an ass-whipping. His selling has really improved since he came to TNA. A few more years of this, and a little personality injection, and we can start talking about him in the same breath as Special Delivery Jones and Iron Mike Sharpe.
Rhiyno welcomes Kenny King to the Grievous Bodily Harm Division
A. J. Fuckin’ Styles over Jay Lethal (Pinfall, Styles Clash): As I said a few weeks ago, keep your eyes on Jay Lethal. Like most of the ROH refugees, they’ve got something planned for him, especially now that he’s full-time with TNA. The amount of offense he got in this match is an indicator of that. Usually, opponents don’t get that much on A. J. unless they’re in the Top Five Contenders for the X Division strap. By the time Bound For Glory comes around, Lethal will be in the X Division title scene. He’s that good.
Lethal gets in some offense. Against A. J.? What is this, ROH?
Despite what people think, independent flight is still beyond A. J.’s capability
Chris Sabin and Sonjay Dutt over Petey Williams and Alastair Rouse, Number One Contender’s Tournament First Round Match (Pinfall, Sabin pins Williams, Cradle Shock): Remember when I was talking earlier about formulaic tag matches? This was one of them, at least the first half of the match, where Dutt was playing Ricky Morton. But individual talent helps transcend formula, and that was true in this case. However, I just kept thinking that I wish I had the ability to digitally eliminate Rouse and turn this into an X Division three-way.
Speaking of Rouse, there are some people out there who are complaining that we at IP aren’t very original due to the fact that Neeley and I are using similar nicknames for Rouse. Let’s face it, the steak sauce motif is too obvious not to use (at least I’m extending the alliteration by using Savory Steak Sauce Boy). Also, the number of good nicknames for Rouse is as limited as his moveset. The only other obvious one is Triple A, and that would be an insult to the people who bring us maps and emergency road service. Besides, if a nickname is good, we’ll all use it, like we have with DAVE. It helps unify us a bit here. So, no complaints, people.
Damn, I love it when Dutt does this
With Sabin pulling off springboard dropkicks like this, maybe it’s time TNA starts judging X Division matches on the new figure skating judging scale
Konnan, Homicide, and Apolo over Frankie Capone, Bruce Steele, and A Jobber With One Inaudible Name (Pinfall, Konnan pins said jobber, top-rope flying bulldog): Oh, please, like I’m going to comment about this. That match at That Phil Collins Song will create a unique situation that I’ve always wondered about: what happens when a Black Hole of Suck is present in the same ring with a Black Hole of Apathy?
Bruce Steele makes an unfortunate choice of ringwear
Austin Aries and Roderick Strong over Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas, Number One Contender’s Tournament First Round Match (Pinfall, Aries pins Stevens, rollup): I think we’re all agreed that the Naturals deserve better treatment than they’ve been given since Stevens returned from injury. Jobbing in this match, therefore, leaves a slight bad taste in the mouth. However, you’ve got to factor in the fact that Aries and Strong (as well as Shelley) are the recipients of a solid push right now (a good development), and the match booking was calculated to make Stevens and Douglas look good. Therefore, even in a loss, the Naturals look a little better than they did before this. Plus, it does prevent the possibility of an AMW/Naturals match, which would only lead us back to the same four-team roundelay that we had before. In other words, the lesser good was ignored in favor of the greater good. Spock would approve.
If you didn’t use up your Brokeback Mountain jokes earlier, feel free to do so now
The Naturals are the best when it comes to transition double-teams
They’re also one of the best when it comes to cooperative suicide moves
Angle Developments:
Fashion Victims: Yes, I have decried the Invasion Of The Marauding Hairdressers. But apparently they teamed up with the Marauding Fashion Designers in an effort to get TNA into a zone of Total Sartorial Abomination. Austin Aries has become their first major victim. No, no, no. This will not do. You know that if Aries went back to Milwaukee looking like that, he’d be beaten to within an inch of his life. Remember your roots, Austin. Please, for all our sakes.
Ignore Aries if you can and look at Strong. He’s doing a great “young Dean Malenko”, isn’t he?
It’s rare to see an outfit rejected for a Pride parade because it was too tacky
A single flowing armband…is that covered under the Hanky Code?
If the new Conservative government in Canada wants to get me on their side, they can pass a law preventing these two Canadian citizens from ever getting into the same camera shot again
A Press Conference Photo Retrospective:
Audiences everywhere cried when Mike Tenay finally earned his wings
Dory Funk finally achieved his life’s dream: to be the Picture of Dorian Gray
Monty demands to know whether he’s face or heel right now
If the State of the Union had ended like this, maybe people would have actually watched it
And that ends this one. Remember, if you’re going to a Super Bowl party and you’re trying to get back on your own, don’t overindulge in either alcohol or food. The accident rate on Super Bowl Sunday skyrockets because of this, and I want you here alive for Tuesday. Until then, I bid you adieu.
