Tommy P’s Raw Coverage 2/6/06

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Greetings all. I’m Tom Pandich and tonight Raw is Live from Atlanta, Georgia: Home of the Super Bowl champion, wait no. That’s not right. How about the World Series Champion…. nope not right either. Does Atlanta even have a basketball team anymore? Well in any event, they’ve got an airport in Atlanta….. I love cheap heat.

Tonight’s Raw is bound to be a big one as we get to watch four matches in a number one contender’s tournament. The Big Show will take on Shawn Michaels, Triple H and Ric Flair will go at it, Rob Van Dam and Carlito will potentially disrupt the time-space continuum with the probable badness of this match, and Chris Masters will take on Kane in a race to see who will squash who first. Smart money is on HHH, mark money is on HBK, and no money is on Kane. He just wrestles for the promise of movie contracts and baby blood. Plus Edge and Lita and Cena will have some big clusterf*ck tonight. Anyways, keep it here all night.

We start things with a nice little Wrestlemania package and a preview of the #1 contender tournament. Fireworks and we’ve got the tournament and the stupid ass Candice Michelle commercial (unedited). Maria introduces the former world champion, Edge!

Edge looks particularly confident tonight. Edge cuts off Maria talking and says he gets a rematch with John Cena next week for the WWE Title. Edge beat Cena last week by being nailed by Lita with the WWE title. Edge starts to tease a Lita turn but he cuts her off before she can get an answer out. Edge brings up the fact that Raw had the highest ratings in four years during his title reign and that he’ll win it back.

Uh oh. Edge starts giving Maria shit. Lita takes over and says that Maria needs to announce Edge as the future WWE Champ. She does and Edge stands cockily as he gets that shit eating asshole grin on his face. HERE COMES HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!!

Hacksaw is sporting a massive piece of wood”¦ and his two by four. Hacksaw says that Vince wants a special guest referee for the match and Hacksaw will be the special guest referee for the Edge/Cena rematch. Edge questions why and Hacksaw starts a USA chant! He then calls Lita a hoe and Edge starts a beat down. Duggan takes the two by four to the back and Lita attacks Maria. Edge sets up Maria for a spear, but Cena runs in for the save. Edge bails and we go to commercial.

We’re back, Wrestlemania is 55 days away and its time for the first match of the night.

Kane versus Chris Masters: Somewhere Eric Skazuikie is Crying Right Now

Kane has his pyro. Masters has his pyro. The bell rings and we’re on!

Kane starts out with some hard punches, chops, and elbows. Kane misses an elbow drop and Masters moves him and mounts him”¦ in the corner”¦ for the ten punches. Kane drops him but Masters hits a side swinging neck breaker. Kane does a sit up but ends up thrown hard into the corner. Masters sets up for the Masterlock but eats a big fist from Kane.

Kane goes up top for the flying clothesline but Masters counters with an attempted Masterlock. Kane flips him over. Kane goes for a chokeslam but Masters counters with an eye poke. More inoffensive offense (punches and such) and Masters once again goes for the Masterlock. Kane drops and kicks Masters in the face. Kane misses another clothesline and Masters tries for the Masterlock again. Kane drops down again but Masters sits down on him and grabs the ropes. Three count and Masters wins!

Winner: Chris Masters

Kane is pissed but Masters advances. I guess RVD is losing tonight.

We go to the back and Edge is trying to pimp out Lita to get her to be the guest referee for the Cena/Edge match. Edge is given the chance to choose the guest ref if he and Lita can beat Cena and Maria in a match tonight. We need Hacksaw to guest ref that match. We get a shot of Ashlie and we cut to commercials.

We’re back and here comes Trish. Its time for a Royal Rumble rematch. Trish is guest refereeing Ashlie/Mickie 2.

Ashlie vs Mickie James 2: Electric Boobaloo

Mickie looks pretty cute tonight, then again, I like girls with problems. Mickie is on Ashlie like a house of fire. Ashlie counters an attempted head scissors in the corner and tosses Mickie into the ropes. A flying forearm misses Ashlie and hits Trish! Mickie gets rolled up with a schoolboy (girl?) pin for the three count!

Winner: Ashlie

Mickie looks confused and slightly upset. Trish bails after the count with Ashlie and never looks back. Ouch. Triple H/Flair is pimped as is the Edge/Cena mixed tag for tonight. We go to commercial.

We’re back. During the commercial break the Spirit Squad came out! They pumped me up! The King pimps WWE Unlimited and votes for Ric Flair to win the tournament.

We go to the back and Mickie apologizes to Trish. Mickie says she’s sorry and she’ll never do it again. She loves Trish as a friend though and is super sorry. Trish says its ok and introduces her date for the night, Jack!??!!? Mickie goes from confused to pissed.

What else is going on in the back? Why it’s Shelton and Momma! Shelton wheels Mamma out, but he forgets his cell phone. Where will Shelton put a cell phone in his wrestling tights? Honestly. Momma doesn’t want to be left alone though because of all the freaks in the locker room. Shelton says it’ll be ok. Shelton takes off and someone comes in with a Shelton action figure that gives Momma a kiss. Why, it’s Eugene! Eugene loved Momma in Big Momma’s House 2 and then tries to take her wig off. She pulls out one of her hair pins and Shelton makes the save. Shelton eats a big slap from Momma and Momma says she’ll cut Eugene. Damn, a bit too gangster for me.

We come back from commercial with a Wrestlemania moment of Pete Rose being Tombstoned by Kane. But right now it’s time to play the mullet!

Triple H versus Ric Flair: Flopsy versus Mopsy

Flair’s Man Boobs are looking quite lovely tonight. Flair stars it out with a woo, a brush off, a strut and another woo. Triple H locks up with Flair and sends Flair down. Flair pops up quickly and tosses Triple H with a hip toss. Flair gets put in the corner, blocks Triple H’s right and goes to town with a bevy of chops. He tosses Triple H into the rope going for a back drop but Triple H catches him with the knee. Triple H goes for the Pedigree but gets dumped on the outside. We cut to commercial.

During the commercial, Triple H got tossed into the steel steps! Plus my computer crashed. Since my cable is run through my computer’s DVR, this is a problem. Awesome. I come back with Triple H getting poked in the eye by Ric and being nailed off the top rope with a flying elbow. Triple H gets put into the Figure Four! He claws his way to the ropes and Flair is forced to release the hold. Flair gets Triple H in the corner and catches the ref with an eye poke and Triple H with a super low blow. He then tosses Triple H into the ropes and eats a Pedigree. One, two, three. We’re done.

Winner: Triple H

The announcers briefly put Triple H over and announce that Candice Michelle will be on the Leno show tonight. We see the Go Daddy commercial. The unedited commercial is better but not by much.

Speaking of better here comes Maria freaking out in front of Cena about their match tonight. She won’t shut up so Cena shoves his tongue down her throat. He wishes her good luck and slaps that ass when he heads out. That, ladies and gents, is Macking’s principle covered in Chapter 3 of Basic Thuganomics. Commercials come.

Commercials go. The Coach pimps Wrestlemania 22 and here comes the Big Show!

The Big Show versus HBK: Where’s David’s Slingshot?

Vince interrupts the match before it begins. Vince wants to give Shawn an out. He says that he’s going to have a retirement party for Shawn allowing him to sign a termination of contract. He’s going to be forced to retire next week. Furthermore, he’s been replaced in tonight’s match by”¦. Shelton Benjamin. Jesus boy is pissed and gives chase to Vince who hobbles out. That takes us to commercial.

Big Show versus Shelton Benjamin: Where’s Mamma’s Slingshot?

We join the match in progress and Big Show is shushing the crowd to lay his big meat paw on Shelton. Shelton then gets tossed into the corner and tries to hop over and land a moonsault but gets caught by the Big Show and slammed. Big Show gets Shelton on the top rope but drops him with a big guillotine off of the top rope. Big Show then catches a roundhouse and then gets dropped with a huge bulldog for one.

Shelton tries hits a neckbreaker on his knees and gets 1. Big Momma yells at Shelton to not be scared. Shelton eats a huge clothesline followed by another, followed by a big charge into the corner and then a shoulder block that takes out Shelton and the ref. Big Show signals for the chokeslam but Big Momma holds his ankle. Shelton hits a huge roundhouse that dumps Big Show but gets caught on the outside by a big chop from the Big Show. Big Show press slams Shelton back into the ring and Momma goes after Show attacking him. She gets yelled at by Big Show and then collapses! Shelton eats the chokeslam and gets counted. But MAMMA IS DOWN! This, ladies and gentleman, is a travesty.

Commercials. Next week we get THE DOG SHOW! Raw will be on Thursday and I can’t recap it on Thursday so someone else will be doing this damn thing.

We’re back and Momma is being rolled out of here. How awful is this”¦.

Now we get a Carlito interview. Bleh, I say. He does it mostly in Spanish. I haven’t a clue what he said. That’s ok.

Smackdown Rebound time. Orton says Eddie is in hell. He also says Rey has as much chance of winning at Wrestlemania that Eddie has of rising from the dead. Lucard and my zombie stable is in the works.

Carlito versus Rob Van Dam: Reefer Madness

Carlito and Rob Van Dam go at it on the outside before the bell. Joey Styles says RVD is his pick for the tournament. Nice touch there guys. Bell rings and RVD tosses Carlito right back to the outside. Carlito gets dropped across the guard rail with an inverted suplex (not really a rail I know) and RVD hits with a spinning leg drop off of the apron. That gets an “Oh My God” from Styles and a commercial break for the audience.

We’re back and the home audience has been spared half of this match. RVD missed a dive off the top rope to the floor and ate the security barrier for his trouble. Carlito has a side headlock on RVD which he fights out of but gets put right back down. Carlito hits a shoulder block for two and goes back to the rest hold. RVD fights out and hits a drop kick to the knees. Carlito gets nailed with a shitty looking Rolling Thunder followed by a much better Rolling Thunder for two. RVD hits the split legged moonsault for two again.

Carlito hits a guillotine with the ropes and then a nearly blown double springboard somersault senton bomb. Carlito hits a “back-cracker” (thanks Joey) for two. Carlito is pissed and gets a chair. He brings it in and RVD nails a Van Daminator. RVD then hits a huge Five Star Frog Splash for 3. Slow moving match that picked up during the last few minutes. Carlito busted out a few new interesting moves and he and RVD might be able to put on a good series of matches together.

Winner: RVD

Styles sure is loving the ability to suck a ECW guy’s cock who isn’t jobbing for once. We go to the WWE poll results and 42% of the fans think RVD is going to win. (24 think Triple H and 12 thought HBK). We get a pimp for the Thursday Raw next week and Edge is coming to the ring and we go to commercial.

We’re back and we get a pimp for the new ECW DVD, Bloodsport. That’ll be worth buying for only the scaffold match, the most violent and hilarious match in ECW history. Here comes Edge and Lita. Cena gets a seven Mississippi count before the CHAMP IS HERE! Maria has already made this match twice as watchable as any other given Cena match.

Edge/Lita versus Cena/Maria: Two guys, a girl, and a pizza place (where everyone eats out)

Cena goes after Edge but Cena ends up with his shoulder in a poll. Edge forces Maria to tag Edge, hits an Edgecutioner on Cena, and then tosses him into the stairs. Lita gets tagged in by Edge we get to watch Maria cry and have her hair pulled. Lita knees Maria and takes her down with a side Russian leg sweep. Lita misses a spear and tags in Cena. Cena comes in like a house of fire. Edge gets taken out and gets nailed with a throwback. Lita distracts Cena for Edge to grab hold of him and then Lita goes up to the top. She hits a hurricanerana”¦. ON EDGE! Edge gets dumped, Cena makes like he’s going to smack Lita and here comes EDGE WITH A SPEAR”¦”¦ON LITA! Cena dumps Edge and then Maria tags herself in. Maria gets the three count.

Winners: Maria and Cena

Cena announces he’s already asked”¦ MICK FOLEY!!! Next Thursday it’s Edge against Cena in a title match with Foley reffing. Plus all the semi-final goodness. Take care folks and I’m still looking for feedback. Notice how I made minimal Eddie jokes and references to other writers. That’s your feedback in action! Night all.