Brain Spill: A Bunch of Boneheads!

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And so it began.

Sixteen strangers have set off on a life changing adventure. And one of them will leave the experience with a million clams (well, 1,000,001 clams if the winner is female).

Survivor season premiers always get me all giddy inside. I’m like a kid again – I can’t stay put in my chair, nor can I stop cheering when something cool happens. And of course my mom is on the other line asking for my opinion on every little detail about the show (“What’d you think about how she didn’t dot the I on her vote?”). It makes a person feel complete – a feeling we all should get every once in a awhile.

And Survivor Exile Island (I guess they’re ditching the ‘Panama’ part) lived up to everything I wanted. Not since Pearl Islands have there been 16 people (later topic). And this is the first time we’ve ever seen four tribes (later topic). And to kick it all off, a quest for fire in which one loser not only gets cold, but stranded alone (later topic).

And that was just the first fifteen minutes!

Whenever people get excited, they usually become absent minded and start doing stuff they wouldn’t do if not in their current state of mind (eg, you’re so excited you found twenty bucks in the road that you forgot to notice the truck that was also headed for the same money). In other words, excitement can lead to confusion. The premiers of Survivor also produce a state of confusion amid all the commotion. Think about it, in one hour, we have the twist of the game, and have to meet all the players, and watch the tribes struggle in the wild, and have a challenge, and then the losers have to vote someone out about whom we all know nothing. All that crammed into 43 minutes of pure footage.

That’s my biggest (only?) problem with Survivor season premiers – there’s too much going on. What happened to the days of Pearl Islands or Amazon with the 90 minute premier? We in the audience are just starting to figure out what’s going on with the show, then all of a sudden, we’re told one tribe lost a challenge, and they have to get rid of someone who’s still a stranger to us. Then around 9:03 EST, we start scratching our heads, feeling unfulfilled and puzzled. CBS, bring back the 90 minute premiers so we can all enjoy Survivor a little bit longer!

Like that’ll do anything.

All that being said, I really don’t have much to report on my end. You all saw what I saw, and there was not too much to analyze or tear apart. So, I guess I’m forced to speculate even further than I did last week.

Let’s start at the beginning. Sixteen people. As previously stated, the past four seasons have features 18 or 20, so a return to 16 is good for nostalgic purposes, if for nothing else. But more importantly, we’re all professionals here (not even us loyal fans are falling for CBS’s tricks anymore). We can all see that there will be a twist sometime in the game in which this number comes into play. Think about it, in Vanuatu, Palau and Guatemala, we had those oh-so-awesome Double Tribal Council episodes (2xTC, for you hardcore fans. That means that for the past three seasons, we’ve had 14 episodes, to get rid of those ‘extra’ players (all Stars had 15, because of no 2xTC, but started after the Super Bowl). Do you think after the past five seasons (I forgot the Pearl Islands Outcast twist which made it 14 episodes), CBS would lose out on millions of dollars by cutting the season back to a traditional 13 episodes? I think not! More episodes equals more money for them and more enjoyment for us fans. It’s win-win. So, using this way of thinking, CBS will have to find a way to stretch out that extra episode, in the form of a twist. Another Outcast? Perhaps a stretch of time where they go about eight days real time without voting anyone out (think about that, they have no clue when/if anyone will be leaving, so they panic and freak out) or worse, eight days with no crew/cast communications (no word from CBS for days).

Personally, I think the last idea would be awesome. Your tribe is has taken reward challenges for granted, and when you expect one out of routine, there’s nothing there. But day after day, there’s still no tree mail, and after about six days or so, you start to seriously worry if something major has happened, or the other tribe is doing something you’re not. Of course, it’s be best come merge-time when they everyone is anxious. People always take challenges for granted, because psychologically they reinforce that Survivor is a game, and that nothing too extreme has happened to anyone. But take that away, and make the contestants believe CBS has literally stranded them, you better believe a couple people would quit because they would go insane. Talk about screwing with people’s heads. While it’s true an episode with no challenges could stretch out for awhile, to see their reaction alone would be worth every challenge-less minute of pure enjoyment.

Wow, a little bit of a rant there.

Onto topic number two: four tribes. This whole thing bothers me. Here I am, ready to dissect the logistics of four tribes, and CBS takes a dump on me (which, off the record, is NOT cool regardless of what you’re ‘into’). Did you notice that each person was on the “younger/older men/women” tribe? There were no tribe names used! Even worse was that Jeff Probst did not refer to the tribes by name. The reason for this obscurity is because come Thursday (it’s on the website, so I’m no spoiler), there’ll be only two tribes. So throw that part out the window. In case you cared, here’s the tribe names: Casaya (purple) – older women, Viveros (green) – younger men, Bayonetta (blue) – young women, La Mina (orange) – older men.

Issue number three: Exile Island. What was once a punishment for a bitch named Janu has now become the focal point of the season. Yeah it sucks to be alone, but the potential benefits are enormous. The idol this year is not nearly as powerful as last year (which was pretty high). This year it’s a get out of jail free card! If you keep it secret, you suddenly have a free pass. ‘Go ahead, vote me out, like I give a rat’s ass!’ I hope that whoever uses it gets voted out unanimously, and the person who got that one vote is now gone. Think about a scenario where one alliance is down by one member, they target someone, but he’s got the idol, and someone from the other side is leaving. Tribes are now even. Oh, how truly spectacular that all would be!

If you want my opinion, and I know you do, I have a feeling that Exile Island is going to tie into the aforementioned ‘extra episode’ twist. OMG, instead of doing that eight-day waiting period, make it sweeter by having one person on Exile Island all those eight days! I truly am sick. Anyway, I have a hunch (again, no spoilers involved, if it’s true) that we may see another Outcast twist, and have the people voted out reside on Exile Island (relocate Loser’s Lounge to Exile Island). So if someone gets exiled, they get information from someone else who’s been exiled from their tribe. It may be crossing a line, but if they tell people that bootees are there too, that’s got to be legal. Again, I’m probably wrong.

And how bad is it that Misty, the girl I picked at #1 last week, was the first to be exiled? That really kills the old ego. While I think she did a good job, missing out on the relationship-forming part of the experience may screw her in the end. Who knows? I think she did a good job keeping a level head about the whole situation, but saying you got the idol does not seem like a good idea to me. While it’s true that it may deflect from you, since people could think ‘I can’t vote her out, so let’s vote for someone else,’ I think if people do find out who has it, they will think ‘he’s got the idol. Let’s force him to use it now, even though we don’t want to get rid of him, just so he can’t use it later.’ The problem is when people want to force you to use it, but they are shocked when you don’t save yourself, because you never had it. Unfortunately, Misty may have done just that. Give it a few weeks to sink in.

Side question to ponder: Could you pass the idol to someone else? Say it’s Tribal Council, and either you or your buddy are going home. If you have the idol, but the votes go to him, could you pass it to him (like regular individual immunity) while the votes are being read to save his ass? Would you have to do it in secret or in the public area? I would think since it’s yours, you should be able to do with it what you want, and if that involves transferring it, then so be it. Not that I would give up what I earned so a friend could stick around longer, but you never know what people’s strategies may be.

Whew, I sure can bitch about nothing! And I’m not even to the rundown. I have to give my opinions still. I’ll make em quick.

The tribe that impressed me most was older men. They had strong working ethic, and were a good group last week. They may be older, but they are compensating nicely. Their camp is decent, and they rocked the challenge. This may not seem like huge reason to put them as the most impressive, but every other tribe let me down a little bit.

Taking the silver medal was the young women. They rebounded from a crushing blow at Exile Island, to challenge dominatrices (the plural of dominatrix). While this is impressive, considering last week I said they’d be first to send someone packing, I still can’t help but look at their lack of fire as a huge red flag.

And a close call for last place, but I have to give it to the younger men. So the older women take third place (next paragraph). The younger men – men a few years older than me – were downright pathetic. The fact I’m in the same generation as them disgusts me. Their camp sucks, and instead of doing chores, they’re meditating, looking for ‘energy.’ And add to it, these guys should, by society’s views, be most likely to win a challenge, yet were wicked close to coming in last place. Thank god this tribe will no longer be four young guys any longer, because these boneheads need new recruits.

Now for the older women. They did everything great. They divided tasks, worked around camp. But the F’d up at the challenge, which cost them a player. Instead of getting rid of the person most likely to cost them future challenges, they booted the person most likely to win future challenges and be their leader. What are they thinking? I thought the young guys were a bunch of boneheads, but maybe these Golden Girls got them beat. Luckily, they get a free pass with new tribes, so this mistake won’t cost them as much. But still…

Sorry, those last two tribes just really piss me off, such that if I was going to say anything further about the game, I lost it. So with that, time for the rundown. The disclaimer for this week is that in some instances, I’m sticking by my initial impressions of the person. In others, I’m throwing it out the window (good or bad) and putting them where I think they should be. And some people actually did show good gameplay, and I rewarded them. But don’t be surprised if this is way off, because I did not have a lot to go off.

Loser’s Lounge.
*Loser’s Lounge Update* Dora has decided to change this section from ‘In Memoriam’ to ‘Loser’s Lounge,’ to reflect popular sentiment.

16- Tina Scheer (3). I said Tina would be final four or first off her tribe. I picked the wrong limb to go on. Not much to say about her. Her time was fun, and I wish there was more of it. There was the tender moment with her on the beach, and the funny moment of her and the fish (‘I caught it with my bare hands!”). She was the leader of her tribe, and got the shaft. What a good likable person (Like some other Tina who I would have loved to see past the first episode). In other news, it has since been reported that CBS rigged the outcome of the first episode. Due to a labor shortage, no one actually built Loser’s Lounge, so they called in Tina. It was complete in 14 minutes, and the first 6 of those were her smoking a cigarette.

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15- Courtney Marit (16). What does a fire dancer do? More importantly, what, other than impromptu funerals, do you do, Courtney? A turtle is dead, and there’s no reason to mourn over it. My initial impressions that she was immature were correct. I hope they get rid of her soon, because I can’t fathom the thought of 13 more episodes looking at her hair, especially if it only gets worse. On a side note regarding Courtney, fellow Inside Pulse columnist Patrick Gilchreist picked Courtney as most likely to win in his pre-show analysis. But what’s surprising is that this is the second season in a row that who I picked for last place, he picked as the winner (Brian Corridan). Odd, huh? Not that that means anything substantial, I’m just publicly showing that I am full of BS.

14- Shane Powers (14). I actually am liking Shane. I think he’s got something inside that is cool and perhaps dangerous. Of course, that would all be good if he wasn’t so close to the edge. And this week doesn’t look much better for him.

13- Aras Baskauskas (13). You know what’s a great example of energy? Fire! Fire is pure energy that you can see with your eyes and feel with heat receptors on your skin. Instead of worrying about hypothetical energy, his time would have been worrying about the energy people actually care about.

12- Cirie Fields (7). Despite the 50 pound loss, she’s clearly not up for anything physical. This can haunt her soon.

11- Bobby Mason (11). He looks so angry. I didn’t see enough of him to have him change my mind for better or worse, so he stays put.

10- Nick Stanbury (15). Okay, maybe I blew the Olsen twins thing out of proportion, but he did say it! Nick, I still think you’re cool, and in a tribe standing around feeling something that doesn’t exist, suddenly you don’t seem like too much of a loser. Way to not do anything, yet improve by default!

9- Bruce Kanegai (2). Sorry for dropping you Bruce. You really do seem like a winner. What little I saw of you, you appeared slightly grumpy, and in a week where I’m judging you on so little, it’s going to cost you. That’s all really.

8- Austin Carty (5). Didn’t do anything this week. But he does seem like the winner of this group, so I say he’s okay. The reason for the drop is that, although didn’t do anything wrong, he seems like a merely neutral player with a neutral ranking.

7- Danielle DiLorenzo (6). So who cares if she didn’t get fire? Not her tribe. Or if they do care, they’re not punishing her for it, and that’s all that matters. Her ability to bounce back so easily will become an asset later.

6- Melinda Hyder (12). Is it me or was she totally responsible for losing that challenge by standing around doing nothing? The answer is: it doesn’t matter. The whole outcome of last week was how Ruth Marie and Melinda were going to vote as a group. Social interactions are huge, and if she has a heads-up, she may do well.

5- Terry Deitz (9). Clearly the strongest on his successful tribe. However, like in the case of Gary Hogeboom/Hawkins, how long can he keep up being in charge? Or worse, will he be a dictator? But he did very well this week, and for that, he is rewarded.

4- Misty Giles (1). While she did handle the Exile Island thing well, she still was exiled, and she may have lied about the Idol. I give her points for keeping her cool, to the point where she may be where she would have been in her tribe if not exiled. But she does have a small net loss this week.

3- Ruth Marie Milliman (4). Clearly one of the strongest out there, and a good leader type. With Tina gone, Ruth Marie has prime Mom rights to this season. Despite her Tina choice, I still give her credit.

2- Dan Berry (10). Dan found the one person he knew he could trust, and laid it out. Whether or not it’s officially an alliance, it damn sure looked like one. A strong alliance with an ally more likely to be in the spotlight is suh-mart.

1- Sally Schumann (8). Okay, I am still holding to her ‘applied five times’ bio. That speaks volumes. You know what else speaks volumes? Complete silence! While Courtney was running around playing pall bearer, Sally stood back and let it happen. After a while, she very diplomatically suggested camp work. The premise of one of the best TV shows ever is: a show about nothing. Yet Seinfeld was a huge success. Maybe nothing, when played well, is good. Sally may not be a limelight player, but this small move is definitely making her stand out already. Keep an eye on her.

And with that, I’m out. Come up with your own damn conclusion for this column!

Until next time, when we discuss the dangers of drinking turpentine, stay cool.

~Dora