XXth Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony
– Steve Price, Inside Pulse Sports
Friday, February 10th, 2007
Exclusive to Inside Pulse!
Welcome, one and all, to the official running diary of the XXth Winter Olympics. I’m Steve Price, and for the next ten years (my time, not yours), I’ll be giving you a running account of the Opening Ceremonies as seen on NBC tonight. Be forewarned, though: I’m not exactly politically correct during the course of this bad boy, because of its length. I’ll be a bit more retrospective during the coverage of Ice Hockey over the next few weeks. Until then, this is what you get, so huzzah! And away we go…
8:00 PM – And we’re on the air! With an opening montage right out of Machiavelli’s wet dreams. Or a Michael Bay movie, your call. (I’ll leave the intellectuals to figure out the Machiavelli reference). The video package shifts into a highlight reel of some of America’s most respected Olympians. And Bode Miller!
8:06 PM – After 7,000 + miles, the Olympic Torch has finally arrived in Torino. I guess the IOC still hasn’t discovered FedEx yet. Jim Lampley is our host in the studio, with Bob Costas and Brian Williams reporting live from the stadium.
8:08 PM – First up, an interview with Michelle Kwan. She talks about finding her way to a U.S. Skating birth. Sorry, Michelle, but your time has come and gone. Speaking of “come and gone”, Lampley kisses his credibility goodbye by mentioning the words “Flying Tomato” on an Olympic broadcast.
8:16 PM – From Sestrierre (sp?), we get treated to some inter-squad U.S. practice runs in alpine skiing. Daron Rahlves is out of the gate first, and looks demented down the lengthy run. These heats are actually important for some of these guys; two more skiers will be added to the Alpine Skiing team in time for Sunday’s event. Bode Miller is out next, and he f*cks up halfway through the run before recovering nicely down the home stretch. Two more skiers take to the slopes, but I’m drawn away for a Mountain Dew.
8:38 PM – We return from a Dew break to see Bode Miller make an ass of himself like only he can. Maybe I’m being too hard on the guy, but when you’re trying to play the dickish heel card in the Olympics, maybe you have some issues. He is a rule breaker, says Miller.
8:46 PM – Shaun White (aka “The Flying Tomato”) hits the Half Pipe for some practice. Does anyone else find something troublesome with the mention of the X-Games on an Olympic broadcast?
8:51 PM – Lampley makes a startling, earth-shattering announcement: the Olympics are in… wait for it… high definition! And in surround sound! No expense spared here, eh?
(Note to Self: You’re Now Operating on Microsoft XP Time.)
8:58 PM – From Stadio Olympico, Bob Costas joins us for the first time tonight. The usual Torino pimping continues, along with Italian History for Beginners. Brian Williams is also in the house. The usual “sports can do things politics cannot” spiel is repeated. The Italians march last, no surprise there, and the Americans apparently have one of their strongest squads ever for a Winter Olympiad.
9:02 PM – Gold medalist speed skater Chris Witty has been elected by Team U.S.A. to carry the flag in during the opening ceremonies. Funny goof: in reference to a question revolving around the weight of the flag, Witty responds: “I’ve never seen the flag”. No kidding.
9:07 PM – Looks like we’re half a minute away from the opening ceremonies.
30 Seconds Later …
Some dude in what looks like a poor man’s Boba Fett costume on Halloween starts pounding a giant hammer onto a silver anvil. Flames shoot out for effect, as the dancers come out. Okay, the thunder sticks through the floor panel in the stadium is pretty cool. This stadium was apparently built by Mussolini, some I’m guessing some mucho face work really *was* done for the games.
Speaking of face work, paintball wars gets some love in the form of a group of people in gear form a “beating heart”, according to Bob. Then we get treated to a montage of the Alps, with some huge alp horns. And now, for no particularly evident reason, we bring out fake cows for some skating…
Costas: “A little fire, a little ice!”
Maybe I’m just not accustomed to opening ceremonies for the Olympics, but the Winter Olympics always seem to be more lighthearted than the Summer Games are. Whereas the Athens ceremony was quite respectful and retrospective, this one seems a bit more “dramatic”, and I’m not sure that’s for the better. Just personal preference, maybe.
9:19 PM – And we’re back for more fun, as a stunning beauty delivers the Italian flag. The IOC Chairman and an Italian government official (name missed) are introduced. Italian troops raise the Italian flag as the Italian National Anthem plays over the stadium PA, while a young girl sings the lyrics in a nice ceremony. This is a bit more Olympic-like than the Skating Cows were. She’s joined by an orchestra to complete the anthem. Nice job all around.
9:27 PM – The Parade of Nations is about eleven minutes away, so while we wait, more psychedelic dancers! In a particularly awesome visual, a herd of people in different uniforms form a giant skier, with different poses. Then, in the ultimate, the lights are reverted, with the figure glowing. Very tricked out.
This is interrupted by the Skating Boba Fett Convention, who have fire coming from their heads as they speed around the stadium floor. Meanwhile, Shaun White is in awe at the happenings. Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.
9:36 PM – We continue with more bizarre pre-march rituals, with gold… things dancing on three gigantic disks above the stadium floor. Two additional disks rise, and are turned to form a graphic of the Olympic rings in mid-air, while lighting effects and pyro go off behind and around them. Not bad, not bad at all.
9:39 PM – Alright! The March of Nations begins, as Greece leads us off (they always go first, as the first Olympic nation/creator rule). Albania follows as the funk echoes through Torino. We’re going in alphabetical order for the role call, but in the Italian alphabet, so we may find some discrepancies here and there. Algeria is next, followed by Andorra (?). Argentina made its Winter Games debut in 1928, and to date, no South American nation has ever won a medal at the Winter Games.
Next up, Armenia (who is sitting between a rock and a hard place geographically). And now, whoo, the Aussies have arrived according to Costas. For their intro music, we’ve switched to I Will Survive … okay then. Austria enters now, and is behind only Norway, the Soviet Union, and the United States in Winter Olympics medals. The Austrians look pretty snazzy in their uniforms, actually.
[It strikes me that we have like eighty more countries to go, which could become quite meddlesome by about 10:19 PM. Oh well, it only comes around once every two years, and with any luck I can sucker someone else into covering these damn things in the future.]
9:47 PM – Azerbaijan is next out of the gates (a former Soviet Republic member), followed by Belgium. Ah, and our first interesting country arrives, as Bermuda’s lone Olympian (a graduate from a North Carolina school!) makes his way in. Belarus follows, sporting a 1960s look. Dear God, they’re playing Le Freak now [Kudos, Eric]. Bosnia and Herzegovina look really, really sharp in their color scheme. The Brazilians look interesting, to say the least. Bulgaria looks okay, as well.
Oh, now we hit the draws, as Canada marches out nearly 200 Olympians. The speed skater Witherspoon is highlighted (as Costas mentions the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, for those interested). The Canadians look kind of idiotic in their garb. And they’re still marching out, thus demonstrating why they’re so feared. The Czech Republic gets noticed for their hockey products (Jagr noteworthy), as we take a break.
9:54 PM – Chile marches out as we return from commercial break. The People’s Republic of China, with seventy six members (its largest delegation in the Winter Games yet) march out in white/blue uniforms. With a billion people, they can only send seventy six? Cyprus, with its two athletes is up next. The Koreas (North & South) march out together in a unique visual. If only the DMZ could be the home of the Olympics, maybe we could resolve that particular conflict. For Costa Rica, Costa notes: “They have no realistic shot at a medal.” That’s about it for them. Croatia follows, with those tripped out red hats. Denmark (with only FIVE athletes, strangely) follows, as some Kill Bill music plays. Estonia makes their way in, followed by Ethiopia’s one athlete, a skier oddly. Macedonia follows, with a slightly larger contingent. As a point, the PA music is kind of out of place here, methinks. Finland with their bitchin’ hockey team on the way is out of the gates next. And before the French can arrive, we take a well-timed break.
10:04 PM – As promised, here comes the French. And, after them, a small delegation from Georgia! Hey, the rednecks are here, score! The powerhouse Germans send a large group to Torino, which induces a “Speeding White Sausage” reference from Brian Williams. Japan follows, looking to rebound from a sub-par Salt Lake City performance. Great Britain is up next, as we stop to reflect on the terrorist attacks following the announcement of London’s Summer Games. Hong Kong is introduced, but we’re cut off by a commercial break.
[Patrick Nguyen chimes in with an attempt to help keep my spirits high in the face of such a daunting task. Thanks, Patrick, but it’s time to suck it up, because there’s no rest for the weary now, no sir. And I have no idea what that means.]
10:11 PM – We’re back with Hong Kong again, making their Winter Olympics debut. India, the second largest country by population in the entire world, and they only have two (count ’em, TWO) Olympians. And our controversial nations arrive in force, as Iran marches out their small team. Ireland is up next, followed by Iceland, who has never won a medal in the Winter Games. No, really, they’ve never won a medal in the Winter Olympics. Speaking of oddities, Funky Town is our music of choice right now. The Virgin Islands sport one representative, and she’s fifty two years old! Wow, there’s a new one for the Luge, alright. Israel is up next, as Spielberg’s film gets some love. Kazakhstan follows, with some weird scarves. Kenya arrives (!) with Phillip Boyt, a cross country skier. Kyrgyzstan makes its Winter Olympics debut next, as we kind of hit a weak stretch of countries. Arturs Irbe, the Latvian goaltender, is the flag bearer for Latvia. Irbe led the Carolina Hurricanes to their only Stanley Cup appearance, FYI. He’s no longer in the NHL, though. Lebanon arrives with no real chance of a medal. Liechtenstein has nine medals at the Winter Games, despite being among the smallest nations competing. Lithuania (known for basketball according to Costas) is up now.
Luxembourg, a cousin of Rhode Island, has a few medals in the Winter Olympics, also. They follow Liechtenstein. Now, I’m all for these nations marching their athletes out for the crowd, but some clipping for the home audience would be awesome. After all, we are on a tape delay here. For those keeping track, we’re not quite half way through the proceedings.
10:22 PM – Madagascar makes its appearance, as Sweet Dreams kicks in over the PA. Moldova is up next, as Mexico apparently is sitting out the Torino Games. FYI: Laura Bush is sitting with the British contingent in the crowd. Monaco’s tiny team is up now, followed by two athletes from Mongolia (as the music continues to amaze). Nepal has a grand total of three people in their procession. Norway, the king of the Winter Games, arrives in Italy, who has apparently become their cross-country rivals in the Games. New Zealand comes out to a modest reaction, with their flag bearer having a World Series ring from the Toronto Blue Jays for being apart of the organization… to which I scratch my head and just move on. The Netherlands follow that particularly interesting commentary. Poland now enters, as the commentators mention the passing of John Paul II in passing. They look like the Canadians, except with a different scheme. Portugal is now up, followed by Romania, as Costas FINALLY mentions the inane music selection. Williams’ night would apparently be complete with a selection from Donna Summers. The badass Russians are next, with more than 200 athletes marching. They’re the largest contingent in the Torino Games.
[Interestingly enough, most experts can decide on whether or not the Russian hockey team will win Gold, Silver, or Bronze, though most have set them up for a medal of some sort.]
10:33 PM – San Marino, whose population couldn’t fill the stadium tonight, is up next as we return. Senegal is up next, with only one athlete (a recurring theme tonight). Elsewhere, the flame is coming. Serbia and Montenegro, who might split according to the commentators, follow. The Americans are coming up soon, but Slovakia first arrives. The red, white, and black look is only hurt by YMCA by the Village People over the PA. My Lord, the Italians have gone crazy. Slovenia is up, with only Spain left before our boys arrive. Any bets on something bad playing for the U.S.A. when they come out? Spain arrives at 10:36 PM, with some new music.
10:37 PM – Team U.S.A. has arrived, with a decidedly positive reaction! Kudos to the fans in attendance, I was expecting something less friendly. Jeremy Bloom is spotlighted for no real reason, along with Michelle Kwan. Ah, and there’s Bode Miller to make our days better. And dear God, Bob Costas referred to White as “the Flying Tomato”. What is this world coming to? Lindsey Jacobellis also gets some camera time, as the Americans continue to march out. And by the sound of the music, the Italians may be approaching their entrance into the stadium. But first, a commercial break to liven up the mood!
[Suck it in, we’re almost through the whole damn lot of them, folks.]
10:43 PM – Just kidding, it’s South Africa to little reaction out next. Ania Paerson (born April 25th for your information) carries the flag out for the Swedes, a powerful force in the Winter Olympics. Switzerland, the home of the IOC, is up next, and joins Great Britain as the only countries to compete in every Winter Olympiad today. Tajikistan has one Olympian, who makes up 75 % of the country population. Taiwan goes out next (I will not refer to them as Chinese Taipei), followed by Thailand. Turkey is next, and I really don’t give a damn. My God, this is insane to try and cover. The Ukraine… no, another damn commercial. Son of a bitch!
[I quit caring about the March of Nations fifteen minutes ago, and just want this to hurry up and end so I can go back to watching my SNME collection.]
10:49 PM – Now Ukraine gets some love, with only one gold medal for the country in the Olympic Games. Dear God, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel for music now, with “Disco Inferno” now playing. Hungary comes out, I keep typing. Uzbekistan (where the Hell are these countries coming from?) follows Hungary, as we’re really in the dregs of the role call now. Venezuela gets to jerk the curtains next to last this year, in some rather unique warm-ups. And now, at 10:51 PM, the Italians arrive as the crowd starts to buzz. Carolina Kostner (yeah!) is the flag bearer, as the entire team is decked in what looks like an homage to Chevy Chase in European Vacation. Sadly, no Goldberg-esque fireworks accompany their entrance. And now, we’re ready to go, according to Brian Williams, as… well, our music selection seems to have placed us in the Caribbean for a few moments. These are strange times.
[While under a commercial break, I take time to recognize Yoo-hoo, the official sponsor of this blog/diary. A tasty chocolate beverage that could kick Ovaltine’s ass any day of the week.]
10:55 PM – We rejoin the broadcast with a shot of the Torch being carried through Torino. Unfortunately, it isn’t there yet, so it’s back to the stadium for some choreographed flag-waving. Score! Or not. But that Czech Supermodel is pretty hot, though Costas steals the show with his deadpan misquotes: “She should have known that she underdressed for this occasion!” No shit, Bob. My patience is starting to wear thin. Now, for no particular reason, we decide to indulge in some Italian history, with Bob and Brian talking about the Renaissance. Then two giant spheres (representing Renaissance-like sun and moon artsy depictions) start to float around the stadium, with people hanging from the trapezes. Pyrotechnics apparently take us into the future, and what the Hell is that thing? For those not lucky enough to be watching this coverage as I type, we apparently have dug up Baron Samedi from James Bond lore, only this time decked in a cross between Euro-techno garb and mime attire. There’s also some sort of Mohawk-sporting figure dancing, too. And then, for no real purpose, a pit crew performs a pit stop on a F1 Ferrari, which then proceeds to take off and do doughnuts on the floor. Well, at least we’ve strayed back into my realm of expertise, right?
[It’s 11:07 PM now, so we’re within an hour of the conclusion. In other words, party like its 1999 all over again.]
11:10 PM – The head of the Torino Organization committee speaks to the crowd, (his last name goes unnoticed by me, but his first name is Valentino for those who care). He invites us to discover Torino, to which I respond “no thanks”, if these opening ceremonies represent the city. After he speaks, IOC President Jacques Rogge takes center stage for some more speaking. After forty five minutes of watching people walk around in a big circle, I welcome the change in pace. Rogge asks the athletes to refuse doping, and compete with respect for other Olympians.
Rogge: “Show us that sports unite by overcoming by political, religious, and language barriers. You can show us what we all long for.”
And now, the President of the Italian Republic, Carlo Ciampi arrives to formally open the XXth Winter Olympics. After three hours, we’re finally ready to begin!
11:19 PM – The Olympic flag, carried in by Sophia Loren (?) and Susan Sarandon (?!) brings an additional surreal moment to the proceedings. Loren at 71 looks better than … nevermind, not tonight. The procession takes a while to climax before soldiers take the flag, marching it to its final residence for the remainder of the games.
11:25 PM – The Olympic Hymn plays, to modest applause.
11:28 PM – The Torch is en route to the stadium now, as the flags begin to swirl around the stadium floor. Giorgio Rocca takes the Olympic Oath, and now we start to get close to the end. Well, first we see acrobats hang from ropes in sparkly uniforms, but I really do not care enough to mention what shape they make (hint: it’s the international symbol of peace).
11:34 PM – And now, to complete the evening, Yoko Ono monologues. If there is a Heaven and Hell, I gather I’m treading towards the hotter of the two now. Peter Gabriel sings “Imagine” for us, but the unique Italian Interpretive Art has sucked out my will to enjoy anything. I just want to go to bed at this point.
[I can safely say that I’ll die a happy man if I never have to hear that Chevy Tahoe commercial.]
11:42 PM – The Olympic Torch, blessed by Pope Benedict XVI himself, finally arrives at the stadium. The identity of the order of the final torch bearers was a secret until they arrived at Stadio Olympico. The 1994 Italian Cross Country team (those that upset the Norwegians in Norway that year) are among the torch bearers. Stefania Belmondo, the most decorated Italian Winter Olympian in history, is the final torch bearer, and she does the honors by lighting the Olympic Calderon at 11:46 PM EST. Sadly, Costas says that before we conclude, we have a special surprise in store for us on the other side of the commercial break.
[My friend Eric and I debate the needs to do the dirty-dirty with Sophia Loren as the torch lights the cauldron. Lube and alcohol are necessities, we think. Eric: We’re as bad as Aaron Cameron and Joe Reid!]
11:50 PM – Before we conclude, we’re apparently going to sit through the schedule to every freaking’ event on the docket. Ah, now we get our surprise: an opera performance for no real reason other than the fact that we’re in Italy. Great, perfect, swell, Dandy!
11:55 PM – The XXth Winter Games are officially underway now, as the Opening Ceremonies come to their conclusion (thank God). The stadium is in almost complete silence in awe of the pyrotechnics display.
11:59 PM – Bob Costas, Mary Carillo, and Brian Williams close things out from Torino. A nice video package wraps things up.
Final analysis: An interesting display on hand tonight in Torino, though the Opening Ceremonies are hardly the highlight of the games by anyone’s standards. The games begin proper tomorrow with several events, including Women’s Ice Hockey. Some good spots here and there, with a lot of the artsy stuff requiring a taste for the bizarre to really appreciate. Overall, an okay job by the folks in Torino for turning these into the most surreal games in a while. And with that, we begin our coverage of the XXth Winter Olympics here at Inside Pulse! I’m Steve Price, and we’re out.
Peace.
