Here we are with another action packed and profanity laced Smack YOU!
We’re in Columbus Georgia
Your hosts are Tazz and Cole
#1 contender ship for the US Title
Matt Hardy Vs Orlando Boredom Vs JBL Vs Chris Fucking Benoit
All the guys in this match, well maybe not Benoit, are total damaged goods here. JBL will be lucky if he ever recovers from The Boogeyman feud. Booker T and Sharmel come down to ringside for guest commentary. Big slugfest to start as JBL/Benoit and Matt/OJ pair up. JBL throws Matt outside and Benoit gets some double teaming. OJ and JBL seem to work together but Benoit fights back and goes for a Sharpshooter on JBL but gets kicked away. JBL goes for a Power Bomb but Benoit counters with the cross face but OJ saves. Matt gets a two on Jordan from a Benoit Snap Suplex. The match sort of grinds to a halt as everyone sort of walks around and gets two counts. Benoit gets a German Suplex but Jordan goes to the cover for two. Benoit gets the cross face on Jordan but JBL saves. Matt comes in and gets promptly big booted by JBL and stomped on the floor. The crowd is silent here, that’s really weird. Benoit gets a DDT on Jordan and rolls outside to double team JBL with Matt. Benoit and Jordan go at it inside and Jordan goes up top but gets crotched and Superplexed as we go to a commercial
Commercial
We’re back with Benoit covering Jordan for two and going to the cross face but a JBL boot to the face stops that. JBL beats down everyone and gets a series of elbow drops on Benoit but Matt saves at two. Matt gets a neck breaker on JBL but Benoit saves at two. Matt gets a nice vertical suplex on Benoit for two. Matt gets the second rope elbow on Benoit for two. JBL gets a DDT on Matt but uses the ropes and the ref sees it. JBL and Jordan get a double suplex on Benoit and then Matt. Clothesline from Hell floors Matt and JBL allows Jordan to cover only to kick him in the head and throw him outside. Benoit saves and mounts a comeback before going to the Three Amigos. Benoit gets the Three German’s on Jordan and heads up top with the head butt on Jordan but JBL is late for the save making it look like Benoit won. Jordan and JBL finally end their alliance and Jordan sends JBL outside but takes a Side Effect from Matt. Matt goes for it on Benoit but that gets turned into the cross face and Matt taps out.
WINNER – CHRIS FUCKING BENOIT
*1/2 – the right guy won and it wasn’t too bad for a short TV match four way.
Booker and Sharmel storm backstage complaining about Benoit winning. Teddy Long says he’s giving Booker 9 days to get ready for No Way Out and if he doesn’t defend the belt he forfeits it.
JBL is backstage and he’s very angry about not winning. He says he can beat anyone but Lashley shows up and challenges him for No Way Out. Jillian accepts the match for JBL.
Matt Hardy is backstage and MNM walk by. Melina sends them along and sits down to Matt. She says he isn’t part of the winning team like MNM, Matt asks her what she means and she says that if Matt helps her out she’ll help him out.
Josh Matthews is with Daivari and The Worlds Most Lamest Man. Daivari says Kurt Angle sucks and stuff and Henry says he’ll crush Undertaker tonight. Wow I thought this was meant to be a Wrestlemania match?
MNM w/ Melina come down to the ring
Melina got a sexy black look going tonight and she grabs a mic and issues and open challenge and London and Spanky answer. The crowd doesn’t care as London and Spanky are cruiserweights and thus have been constantly buried but I’m sure this will be good. London and Mercury do some nice technical stuff and London gets two from an Oklahoma Roll. London gets two from a rana and brings Spanky in as they target Mercury’s arm. Nitro comes in and gets the better of Spanky but gets head scissored and drop kicked for two. London comes in with some nice kicks but he takes a clothesline to the back of the head. London fights back as he and Spanky do a whole set of Rocker like double teams. Spanky and MNM fight outside and London gets a big dive onto MNM. Back inside Spanky gets two from a high cross body but he gets distracted by Melina and thrown outside where Nitro sends him into the apron. Spanky gets double teamed by MNM and worked over in their half of the ring. Spanky attempts a comeback but makes a blind tag and takes the Snap Shot to end it
WINNERS – MNM
**1/2 – The crowd didn’t care but I was digging it. If WWE actually tried they could have London and Spanky be MNM’s pretty boy foils but to do that they have to make the fans care about London and Spanky and that means they have to stop treating them like jobbers.
Randy Orton is backstage to “Set the record straight” about what he said last week. He acts all morose and asks them to show a clip of his “Eddie’s in Hell” comment. I actually think the line where he said “You have as much chance of beating me as Eddie does of coming back to life” was more offensive but there you go. Orton then comes out in a low rider as they try and cheapen Eddie’s legacy even more. I don’t mind Rey fighting in Eddie’s memory as that has a positive feeling to it but please don’t use him as a way to get heel heat. Randy says he doesn’t care about Eddie and only said what he said to get a match with Rey for the #1 contender ship. He says he deserved the title shot and it’s his destiny to win the World Championship. Fans chant “We want Rey” as Randy says he came out in the low rider to make a point. He goes on about how Eddie wasn’t a saint and reads out of his book but Rey jumps him and beats the shit out of him and knocking down officials as he does. Rey kicks Randy’s face into the ring post and Randy does his “concussion” face.
WWE Cruiserweight Championship
(C) Gregory Helms Vs Nunzio
Helms gets a take down but Nunzio counters and they do some nice wrestling as Kid Kash shows up and distracts Helms allowing Nunzio to get some offence in and sending Helms outside. Nunzio fires off some forearms but gets caught on a flip in the corner and is hung up on the ropes ribs first. Helms pounds away and gets a vertical suplex before heading up top with a high cross body. Helms goes to the Million Dollar Dream as a way to drum baby face heat for Nunzio but that doesn’t work and Nunzio mounts a comeback with a neck breaker and a running forearm. Swinging neck breaker gets two for Nunzio but he misses the Sicilian Slice and Helms beats him with The Shining Wizard.
WINNER – GREGORY HELMS
* – fans couldn’t care less about this title
Recyclus is backstage saying how excited he is about the juniors coming back and they ender the scene as does Mr Kennedy. Then Burchill shows up dressed as a pirate and just says “hello” and walks off. That made as much sense being typed as it did watching it. That was a Vince Russo like “throw as many characters on screen at once for no apparent reason”
Juniors Match
Octagoncito and some midget Vs Max Mini and Tsuki
Mini starts it out with ??? and gains the advantage with usual midget offence. Where’s El Porky damn it?! Tsuki comes in and gets double teamed but he fights back with more midget offence but gets a back breaker. Finlay then comes out and beats up the Juniors. I’m sure he’ll rip up a kids autograph book and shove down an old woman next to really rub it in. He grabs a mic and says that he takes wrestling seriously and he came to the WWE to fight.
Booker T and Sharmel are about to leave but when they open the boot of their car and it’s full of worms. Could this be Booker’s Wrestlemania feud?
Mark Henry w/ Daivari Vs The Undertaker
They’re trying to hype this as a first time ever match although I’m sure these guys had a match at some point in the Attitude days. In fact I remember Taker choke slamming Henry back in my early days of being a fan. Either way it’s The Undertaker Vs Mark frickin’ Henry no amount of hype could make it worthwhile. Taker goes to a headlock to start but can’t knock Henry down with a shoulder block. Henry goes to his own headlock and hip tosses Taker. Wow check that move set out. Taker gets knocked down but dodges Henry charging at him as we go to a commercial
Commercial
We’re back with Henry and Taker fighting on the outside. Taker whips Henry into the ring steps and fires off some punches and a big boot to Henry’s face. taker drops a leg across Henry’s throat and gets two. Taker gets the Old School rope walk and gets a running knee in the corner as Henry no sells and grabs Taker in a bear hug. Henry clubs away on Taker and gets a body slam for two. Henry does his usual and I pray for a fast forward button but I’m doing play by play on the actual broadcast so I can’t. Henry stands on Taker as opposed to you know a MOVE. All Henry’s offence consists off is fake looking strikes and boring rest holds. The guys got NOTHING yet he gets a mega push while awesome workers like Jamie Noble can’t even get on TV. There is no f*cking justice in this world. Taker mounts a comeback and gets some lariats in the corner and goes for the choke slam but a knee to the gut stops that. Taker gets the flying lariat and a choke slam proving why he’s vastly ahead of Henry in that he’s prepared to leave his feet and has a much larger repotroire of moves and adds new ones. MNM run down for the crappy DQ finish and there’s a 3 on 1 beat down on the horizon until Kurt Angle runs down for the save. Taker grabs the belt post match and hands it over to Angle. Teddy Long then comes out and makes a match for next week – MNM and Mark Henry Vs Kurt Angle and Undertaker. Wow that’s going to be AWESOME!!!!!!!!
The crowd seemed totally silent this week for pretty much everything which gave the show a really bad atmosphere. As far as the in ring stuff goes it wasn’t too bad but that main event was shockingly bad and Henry didn’t even job clean. What abstract world am I living in where Undertaker can’t beat MARK HENRY clean?! I lose hope sometimes I really do.
