The Velocity Report

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Usual video openings, like we expect anything different by now.

Simon Dean comes on out, talks about a vision, and introduces everyone’s favourite twins, the Gymini. They’ll be opening Velocity today against . . . The ever so dangerous, Funaki and Scotty Too Hotty.

Opening Contest : The Gymini with Simon Dean verses Funaki and Scotty Too Hotty
What does Funaki stand for? And who decided him and Hotty would be a legitimate idea for a tag team? And why have I been getting so many Iced Colas lately? The questions of the universe, amazing aren’t they? I’ve got to admit, I’m a sucker for the Gymini’s entrance music, which used to be A-Train’s. Funaki and tonight’s G1 begin the match. Funaki with a School Boy early on for one, headlock and tag out to Hotty. Hotty gets sent into the Gymini corner and G2 gets tagged in. Punch is followed by dropkicks and more punches by Hotty, who gets taken down by G1. G2 with elbows to Hotty, who tags out to G1. Two count by G1. G1 takes Hotty to the corner and beats him down, and even lets Dean get in a slap. G2 tagged in. Lift up followed by toss by the Gymini allows G2 to get a two count. Rear choke hold by G2, but Hotty punches out, only to run back into a kitchen sink knee by G2. G2 gets three pinfalls of two counts. G2 with some knees to Hotty’s gut; G1 in and gets a two count. Rear choke hold on Hotty by G1. Hotty “Fan Favourites” out of the headlock, and gets the tag to Funaki. Funaki with some elbows to G1 followed by an enziguri. Funaki knocks G2 off the apron. Funaki up to the top rope with a crossbody for a two count, broken by G2. Hotty dropkicks G2 out of the ring, only to turn around into a clothesline by G1. Funaki goes for a tornado DDT, but G1 escapes, Funaki runs back into the turnbuckles and turns around into the Crosstrainer for the three count.
Winners : The Gymini

Heels beat down the face until the face makes the save only to be defeated easily? Seen it before. Sometimes the Gymini really impress me, but others I just couldn’t care. And, of course, with Funaki and Scotty Too Hotty involved, the match wasn’t really going to be that complex or anything. Five out of Ten because it wasn’t too bad, nor good, just average.

Still to come tonight, Kid Kash verses Psicosis, but only after a recap of the Fatal Four Way from SmackDown!

Commercials. Which I of course fast forward right through.

We get a clip from the Number One Contender’s match for the United States Championship on SmackDown, as well as Theodore Long announces that Booker T MUST wrestle at No Way Out or forfeit the championship. Thank lord for that fast forward button.

Commercials. Again.

Second Contest : Tatanka (of all people) verses Jakus Pliscin . . Or something.
The audio on this tape sucks, therefore the not knowing who the hell the opponent is. Lock up, and Tatanka gets some hip tosses. Chops by Tatanka. Tatanka takes it to the corner and kicks Pliscin, before picking him up and nailing a delayed suplex. Tatanka with the armlock into fireman’s carry, with the armlock still applied. Pliscin, surprisingly, gets some offence in, but it’s not anything special. A kick, a punch, a elbow, a choke or three, you know, the usual crap. Pliscin gets a clothesline which gets him a two. Pliscin gets a headlock variation on, and Tatanka escapes and nails a clothesline, shoulder toss, before doing some dancing and nailing some chops. Eh? Continues the dancing and does a clothesline. Tatanka picks up Pliscin and nails “The Trail’s End”, otherwise known as a falling back samoan drop, for the victory.
Winner : Tatanka

. . . Three out of Ten. This sucked even for Velocity standards, but I’ll give it credit because I was expecting worse. And I’m not in a mean mood.

Commercials.

Recap of MNM verses Brian Kendrick and Paul London from SmackDown which, some of you may remember, I gave full marks to. Ten out of Ten. For SmackDown standards.

Third Contest : Bobby Lashley verses James Dick
Is it Bobby Lashley or JUST Lashley? I can finally tell the dicks apart, since James looks better than Chad. Lashley pushes Dick into the corner to start, and Dick tries to get some kicks, but Lashley pushes him down. Irish whip and Dick comes back into a massive shoulder toss by Lashley. Chad Dick interferes, but Lashley nails one hell of a clothesline. Dick jumps over the top rope but Lashley catches him and slams him onto the mat. Back in the ring; Lashley does the Tackle Toss, as I shall now call it, before picking up Dick and nailing one hell of a one handed delayed suplex. Spear by Lashley. Dominator by Lashley gets the victory!
Winner : Lashley

Forget the Brock Lesnar / Bobby Lashley comparisons. This match had Goldberg influence written all over it. Look at it : the spear, the suplex which is sooooo close to being the jackhammer. Two out of Ten.

Commercials.

We’re back to see the ending of Mark Henry verses The UnderTaker. Right to the point with all the interference and shenanigans.

Commercials.

WWE Rewind : Gregory Helms verses Nunzio.

Main Event : Kid Kash verses Psicosis
I just realized I’ve been spelling Psicosis’s name wrong this entire time. Damn. Natural reaction to have the ‘H’ in there. In a nice bit of continuity, Gregory Helms verses Kid Kash for the Cruiser Weight Championship this week. Kash gets on the microphone and doesn’t really say anything revolutionary, until Psicosis interrupts him. Kash tries to punk out Psicosis first, being all arrogant and stuff. Psicosis gets back body slammed and tries a hammer lock; Psicosis with some elbows as well as a snapmare. Kash with a hip toss into arm bar. Hip tosses returned by Psicosis. Kash pushes Psicosis, so Psicosis slaps Kash. Oooohhh! Burn! Kash with a knee, a chop, a punch, but gets put in a headlock by Psicosis. Kash pushes Psicosis off and goes for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Psisosis lands on his feet, but Kash punches him. Kash runs at Psicosis with a crossbody, but Psicosis catches him and drops him down into an X-Factor for two. Clothesline in the corner by Psicosis, but runs into the steel pole afterwards. Kash gets some boots in on Psicosis, before begins to work the shoulder, before nailing some kicks into Psicosis. Kash forces his knee into Psicosis’ right arm while pulling back on it, before sending Psicosis shoulder first into the steel pole. Snapmare followed up by an armbar variation by Kash. Kash nails a shoulder breaker for two. Kicks get Kash another two count. Psicosis tries to fight back with punches, clotheslines, a swinging heel kick, and makes his way to the top rope, jumping off with another swinging heel kick, nailing Kash and getting Psicosis a two count. Kash nails a nice back breaker, more towards the shoulders, getting him a two count. Kash picks Psicosis, trying to the Dead Level, but Psicosis nails a neckbreaker and gets a two count. Psicosis goes up top and jumps off with a twisting senton, but misses, and Kash picks him up with the Dead Level Brainbuster for the victory!
Winner : Kid Kash

This would have been the perfect ending to Velocity IF Psicosis had actually thought to sell the arm much more. Eight out of Ten; and to think, I was going to give them Ten. It was pretty great for Velocity standards.

Which makes this week’s Velocity . . .
Gymini verses Funaki and Scotty Too Hotty : 5 / 10
Tatanka verses Bad Audio Unknown Guy : 3 / 10
Lashley verses James Dick : 2 / 10
Kid Kash verses Psicosis : 8 / 10
Velocity Saturday The 11th Feburary : 18 / 40

Well, on the upside, Kid Kash verses Psicosis wasn’t that bad, and the match recaps were noticably shorter this week. Could always be worse, it could have been a recap show. Until this week’s SmackDown, Ciao Yáll.