Congratulate me or don’t, but I’m no longer in Iowa. I’m going to go see Opeth play next month, and I don’t have to plan for hours of driving to do it. This, my friends, is a great time. Now someone just needs to hire me before I suck up all of my savings on shows.
Also, I’ll post photos when we finish organizing our stuff. Guitars, bass, amp, POD, keyboard MIDI controller, mics, karaoke… we’ve got it all. You know you’ve got a problem when you’ve got your house wired through a 12-channel mixer. And let me tell you, I spent far too long tweaking the EQ after hooking up my turntable. Ministry’s first album on vinyl. It’s so happymaking.
So much to write! LET US BEGIN.
Alice In Musicland
You guys HAVE to see this. From Metal Sludge:
Do you know who this is?
AXL ROSE.
I shit you not. Read the article. It’s a shot from his listening party for Chinese Democracy.
My brain is bleeding as much as yours, I’m sure. Good lord, what the hell is happening to the idols of my youth? Have you seen Tiffany lately? She looks like hell, too. Christ.
Speaking of Christ, wanna see the happiest girl ever? Watch me read E! Online’s news:
For Scott Stapp, the honeymoon was over before it even began.
Hours after the former Creed frontman tied the knot with beauty queen Jaclyn Nesheiwat in Miami on Friday, the rocker was rung up for public intoxication in Los Angeles.
Stapp, en route to his Hawaiian honeymoon, was stopped from boarding a plane at Los Angeles International Airport Saturday after airline personnel deemed the rocker “antagonistic” and “boisterous.”
A spokesman for the airport police, Lieutenant Tyrone Stallings, said the rocker was arrested on suspicion of being drunk in a public place and taken to the Van Nuys station for processing.
According to TMZ.com, which first reported the incident, Stapp demanded a blood-alcohol test at the station, where he registered a 0.18–twice the legal limit.
Stapp, 32, eventually was freed and ordered to report for arraignment on Mar. 8.
Every article I see on this guy is like watching a train wreck. I love it.
I’ve already long since established my feelings for Mr. Stapp and his “talent.” He’s got a pretty voice… which he uses to sing the exact same song over and over again with slightly different lyrics. He’s righteous about the Lord, but spends his time boozing and fighting with his babymama and now apparently being “antagonistic” in public. Where in the Bible does it say this gets you into heaven, Scott?
I am dying for his meltdown. I want to be there, taking pictures, pointing and laughing. Perhaps I’m just an angry heathen, but I love nothing more than seeing those who look down their noses at others suffer the agony of having their hypocrisies exposed. All I have to say is that he asked for this spotlight and he insisted his morals are relevant thanks to his Christian bent.
Bring it on, Stapp. I want to mock you some more. You wanna see if you can wear me out? Run out of insults? Start feeling sorry for your dumb ass? Again, I say, bring it on! I’m up to the challenge if you’re up to the liquor consumption.
Now, speaking of those whom I love to insult, this one’s from the AP:
PHILADELPHIA – Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta on Monday chided pop star Britney Spears as “irresponsible” for driving with her baby son on her lap as he announced a new initiative to improve child car seat safety.
“Recent photos of Britney Spears driving with her infant son on her lap are troubling. And while Ms. Spears has acknowledged her mistake, her actions still send the wrong message to millions of her fans,” Mineta said at an event at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia to mark the start of Child Passenger Safety Week.
Photos published earlier this month showed Spears driving her sport utility vehicle in Malibu, Calif., with her 4-month-old son perched on her lap. The pop star acknowledged that she made a mistake but said she acted instinctively amid a frightening encounter with paparazzi.
“No matter who you are, there’s absolutely no excuse for this display  not instinct, not fear, not even reckless paparazzi,” Mineta said. “It’s irresponsible to compromise the safety of a child for the sake of the moment.”
After a tour of the hospital’s emergency department, Mineta announced $25 million in new federal funding over the next four years to states that pass and enforce new or tougher booster seat laws. Sixteen states do not currently have such measures on the books, he said.
Booster seats  designed for children too big for traditional toddler seats and too small for safety belts  raise a child up so the safety belt fits properly.
Mineta said children roughly from about age 4 to age 8, as long as they are under 4-feet-9, should be placed in booster seats.
Iowa just passed an extremely strict child seat law last year, basically stapling your child to a baby chair until they hit puberty. I was allowed to sit in the front seat with the regular shoulder restraint when I turned seven, but before that, yes. Kid seats. Necessary.
I had to laugh when I saw these photos on display in the grocery checkout line. Britney, aren’t you white trash enough to do this to yourself? Just like the preachy bitch said, there’s no “instinct” to excuse endangering your kid. Hell, years ago when I worked in fast food, I called the police on more than one vehicle whose parents left their children in precarious positions, most not nearly as stupid as putting a baby on your lap.
But again, regardless of the politics of this issue, Ms. Spears — why in the hell do you invite stupid shit like this? All eyes are on you. Follow the law or prepare to see every mistake you’ve ever made paraded on the front pages. The American people are more interested in every move you make than how many of their fellow citizens are blown up overseas, so your position as a positive role model means more than ever. To disgrace the fine laws of the land is to disgrace your country. Britney, are you a communist?
…juuuuuust coming back from that jaunt off to left field there.
Here’s some more totally useless celebrity babble from E!:
Forget Kryptonite, 3 Doors Down need to worry more about wet roads.
Frontman Brad Arnold is recovering at home in Biloxi, Mississippi, after suffering major injuries resulting from a car wreck earlier this month, per a posting on the band’s Website.
Arnold, 27, was riding shotgun and his wife, Terika, was driving on a rural Mississippi highway during a driving rain storm on Feb. 1, when she lost control and skidded off the road.
“They were coming back from a casino, hit some kind of water on the road,” bandmate Todd Harrell told the Associated Press. “The car hydroplaned, went down a high embankment, and they hit a tree. I guess if Brad hadn’t been wearing his seat belt, he’d probably be dead now.”
According to the band’s site, Arnold sustained several severe lacerations and bruises but is expected to make a full recovery.
Harnell said that Arnold received “35 or 40 stitches in the side of his face,” but that his wife somehow managed to escape injury in the crash. No other cars were involved in the incident.
“He had a plastic surgeon come in and work on him–sewed his ear back on,” Harell said. “He’s going to be all right. He was hit hard, though.”
The band, which has sold more than 12 million records during its career, had been on the road in support of its chart-topping 2005 release, Seventeen Days. Due to the accident, several shows have been either scrapped or postponed indefinitely.
With Arnold waylaid, the band isn’t ready to announce makeup dates or whether it will proceed with a European tour scheduled for next month.
Fuck the content here. I’m taking issue with E!’s journalistic standards before I get into the idiocy of this article’s existence.
So the guy is in Mississippi. South = hick, right? Hooray for stereotypes! Hence why it particularly caught my eye to see the phrase “riding shotgun” in use on a major journalistically-standardized news site. I’m surprised they didn’t say his car went down “over yonder.”
Now back to the story: They had to sew his ear back on.
That is so f*cking awesome. I want pictures!
But oh no, the picture we get with the article isn’t gory at all. Well, not gory in the traditional sense anyway…
This ugly motherf*cker is the frontman in a band? I thought Udo Dirkschneider was the last man allowed to get away with that.
I don’t know if I can get any more ridiculous before I end my news rant.
From Blabbermouth:
Milwaukee-based BEATALLICA, a satirical mashup act whose hilarious schtick marries the songwriting prowess of the BEATLES to the deep-throated rock growl of METALLICA, will be teaming up with THE PUNKLES, a German band who perform songs by THE BEATLES in punk style, will be teaming up for the European “Beatles Trash Night Tour 2006” beginning in late April. Confirmed dates so far are as follows:
Apr. 26 – London, UK @ Camden Underworld
Apr. 27 – Amsterdam, NETH @ Melkweg
Apr. 28 – Koln, GER @ Prime Club
Apr. 29 – Dortmund, GER @ F.Z.W.
Apr. 30 – Frankfurt, GER @ Nachtleben
May 01 – Pratteln, SWI @ Z7
May 02 – Stuttgart. GER @ Schlesinger
May 04 – Linz, AUT @ Posthof
May 05 – Dornbirn, AUT @ Conrad Sohm
May 06 – Nabburg, GER @ Kitchen Club
May 07 – Leipzig, GER @ Moritzbastei
May 09 – Hamburg, GER @ Molotow
May 10 – Bielefeld, GER @ Forum
May 11 – Munich, GER @ Backstage
May 12 – Wiesen, AUT @ Festivalgelande
May 13 – Marksteft, GER @ Rock Mania Festival
BEATALLICA made headlines early last year when received help from METALLICA drummer Lars Ulrich in their dispute with the Sony Corporation over BEATALLICA’s “unlawful use” of the group’s compositions “without authorization or license.” The case has since been resolved, with BEATALLICA being allowed once again to operate their web site, Beatallica.org, and continue performing their patented blend of BEATLES tunes in a METALLICA style.
I saw Beatallica play a few years ago when they opened for Dream Theater in Madison. I highly encourage my european pals out there to check ’em out.
Everyone else, visit their website and giggle until you stop.
Your Band Here
It’s been AGES! But hooray for broadband, it’s time to expose the happiness and love of unsigned bands to the world. Or warn you to stay the hell away, whichever applies.
Seven Letters:
Hard rock from Detroit. There simply is no other or better descriptor. The style is very much radio-ready and fits like a Lego comfortably into the popular punk-flavored hard rock scene today. In fact, there were moments in songs like “Later” where I seriously had to stop and wonder if I hadn’t heard it on the radio before.
Highlight: These guys have their SHIT TOGETHER. The songs are tight and well-produced (well, as much as you can tell via streams, anyway). Like I mentioned before, I can’t tell the difference between them and what’s on the radio right now, except that all four songs posted were good unlike a lot of radio slop.
Lowlight: Maybe it’s just me, but Mr. Stidham, vocalist? You over-enunciate your “r”s and it drives me up the wall. Aside from that, the only worry is that they sound too much like what’s popular now. This sound will be stale soon if it’s not already going downhill. They could stand to take a few more musical risks to set them apart from the crowd.
Mumpsy:
Well here’s some depressing shit. Actually, if you didn’t pay attention to the lyrics, you would think the exact opposite: Mumpsy is nothing but happy, bouncy, acoustic pop. Think Beach Boys, with happy harmonies but sad-as-all-hell lyrics. Very ’60s as a whole, I must say.
Highlight: Mumpsy has quite the understanding of harmony and some very nice musicianship. Nobody would accuse them of not knowing theory.
Lowlight: The lyrics are pretty damned weak and the vocals are gratingly indie-whine. Still, this often comes with the territory in today’s indie scene, so that just may be my personal non-preference. They’re worth a try, anyway.
Amish Warfare:
Alternametal, with smidges of punk flavor. Before I even start, let me give them 800 kudos for listing Wyld Stallyns as an influence. But enough of that. Alternametal probably isn’t accurate as they seem to have a different flavor than currently popular bands in the genre. They’re from Washington state, where the scene has always been notoriously darker than most. Think more HIM, less Nickelback.
Highlight: Not bad, not bad at all. It’s a pleasant sound as a whole. “Everything” is delightfully different in all the right ways, with more emphasis on musicianship than mainstream. “Darkened” is awesome, too.
Lowlight: When they infuse energy, they’re really f*cking good. When they get mopey, they’re really f*cking bland. Is it bizarre to say the downtempo stuff could use more energy? Intensity. That’s what I’m searching for.
Shukov:
They describe themselves as merely “Indie.” Really, they’re a bit beyond that rather pretentious moniker, evoking memories of early ’90s Seattle in all of its depressing glory. Any shock that they’re from Vancouver? Unlike the early ’90s, however, they’re not stripped down in the least. Lush, lush, lush.
Highlight: Aside from their comical bio (which in itself is quite a highlight), the rough mix they have posted of “Dallaire” is absolutely gorgeous. Incredibly original? Perhaps not, but very, very pretty.
Lowlight: There’s not a lot to go on as far as sound samples go. I would like to hear something more amped up, less sleepy. Hopefully there is something out there on their upcoming album they’re talking up that will fit the bill.
Year of Desolation:
Yep. Someone sure did a lot of listening to At The Gates, didn’t they? Year of Desolation is quite death metally with thrash and power-metal flavors tossed on top. Being midwestern myself, it’s no shock to find something like this coming out of Indiana.
Highlight: “Erasing Your Existance [sic]” gives me such Iron Maiden power. I don’t know if the rest of the world considers this a highlight, but obviously I do.
Lowlight: Chaos? Guys, you play very well, but you put wayyyyyy too many ideas into one small space, which then renders the songs unmemorable. Why waste 16 great riffs in one song when you could use 4 in 4 different songs?
More next time! Good lord am I ever backlogged.
But feel free to join the backlog, or contact your favorite almost-famous friends and let them know they’re welcome to the free press! Email me or add me on MySpace to join the club.
My Opinion Matters
I would just like to repost this rant about the metal community; ironically enough, Blabbermouth posted it as well:
Let me start off by saying I am addicted to Blabbermouth.net. I read it constantly throughout the day, and find it incredibly informative. Nowhere else on the Internet can you find the quantity and quality of metal news like you can at Blabbermouth. But I have to admit there is also another reason I read that page so much… the user comments.
Although Internet forums are infamous for being the breeding grounds of complete asshat jackholes, the Blabbermouth users have taken this art form to a completely new level. I have never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Every post on there is someone telling someone else to ‘go f*ck themselves’ or to ‘shut their stinkin hole’. Sometimes they attack the topic of a news post, sometimes they attack other users, and sometimes they even attack Blabbermouth itself. No one is safe from the burning rage that flares within the soul of a Blabbermouth user. Their weapons of attack range from the homophobic to the racist to the musically intolerant.
Through all of this though, I have to admit that the comments are damn funny. I easily spend more time reading the comments than I do reading news posts on that site. You can also always tell when you are going to get some good comments based on the topic of the news post. As I read the headline of some of the news posts, I can already tell that there is a firestorm brewing on the comments page. As I hover my mouse over the comments link, I start getting that oh-so-familiar, giddy feeling of knowing what comedy awaits me on the other side.
So, to help those new to Blabbermouth, I present a list of topics which if encountered in a news post will surely turn the comments page of that post into a cage of monkeys flinging their own shit at each other.
– Any post mentioning Sharon Osbourne. (double points if it mentions the Ozzfest incident)
– Any post dealing with SLIPKNOT.
– Any post dealing with Axl Rose or the release date of ‘Chinese Democracy’.
– Anyone badmouthing Dimebag.
– Any musician or band badmouthing Bush, the war in Iraq, or anything vaguely political.
– And post dealing with KORN. (what is with that ‘R’ anyways?)
– Any post mentioning an interview with a musician who specifically badmouthed Blabbermouth by name. (chaos ensues)
– Any post dealing with LINKIN PARK.
Well, that is a small list to get you started. Do you have anymore to add?
And in closing, MESHUGGAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In summary, yes, we metalheads are a bunch of f*cking idiots. We know we’re a bunch of f*cking idiots. Yet we cannot walk away! We must further the idiocy at every moment! And thus, metal will never die.
I second his Meshuggah.
The Rad Ones
Holy shit, I have enough bandwidth that I can actually read the damned site again!
I would be remiss not to link Aaron Cameron‘s final column. Does this just leave me as the sole person to never miss a column in the Music section? I don’t need that burden! Bootleg, come back!
Toe returns, and his first bang-power contribution is quite the interesting one. I love Norway.
Mike Eagle just doesn’t get enough props. He also gives props where applicable to people I have never heard of. I am so non-urban. Sigh.
Lucard starts his monster Nyogtha Top 30 Horror Video Games of All Time; not only do you get your game fetish out of the way, but you get to learn! Who says all gamers have to be vacant?
And the TV folks count down the Top 10 of 2005.
Outro
Here’s my scenario: I was rear-ended a few weeks back while in Minneapolis. I drove the car (which I should not have) back to Dubuque for repairs. When it came time to move, the car wasn’t done, so I had to move via rental car. Then, late last week, I had to drive back to Dubuque to drop off the rental and bring my car here.
The sad thing about this whole ordeal? I left all of my CDs in my car while it was being fixed.
And the radar detector, but shit… there are never any cops on backwoods Iowa highways. Seriously, in the three trips back and forth, I only saw one.
But anyway. In a moment of panic, I burned the singles collections of Depeche Mode and New Order, as well as both albums by Leaves’ Eyes. I had a copy of the last Buckethead disc which I’ve been attempting to review amid all of this chaos (and failing miserably), so I tossed that in as well, along with a copy of the latest Madonna disc that I forgot I had. So it was just me, bloopy synthpop dance music, Norwegian metal, and a freaky guitar god with a KFC bucket on his head.
Upon arrival here, my other half provided the last disc from And One, adding bloopy German synthpop to the pile. Never mind that I left it in the disc player for five passes.
I’m not sure at what point I started to lose my mind. Maybe it was after hearing the silly chipmunk-esque vocoder for the fifth time. Maybe it was after hearing Madonna saying “dork” repeatedly. Or perhaps it was around the time I started seeing giant chickens attacking my car. Wait, that last one didn’t happen. Maybe it did. I can’t tell anymore, all I know is that I’m confused.
All of this culminates in landing at my hometown and recovering my little Mazda after $4,000 of work was completed. (Hooray for insurance.) And lo and behold, I open my CD holder and it’s music everywhere! I promptly threw in The Gathering’s if_then_else, an album I have played no fewer than 3,000 times. It felt good to be free. It felt good to have variety, to have choices.
Lesson learned. Grab the goddamned CDs. 700 miles on the road requires a carnival of noise.
Eure maschine spielt zwar in stereo,
–gloomchen
