Alternate Reality by Vin Tastic

Columns

My readers know very well that I strongly dislike the “Sportz Entertainment” style of booking professional wrestling. Now I do realize that pro wrestling is NOT cage fighting, mixed martial arts, or pro boxing. There’s always going to be some element of over-the-top fantasy in a few storylines. I know they can’t make every feud about respect between two competitors who each want career success or championship gold. There will always be bizarre angles and unusual reasons for two wrestlers to want to hurt each other. However, there’s a limit to how far I’m willing to suspend my disbelief as a pro wrestling fan.

TODAY’S ISSUE: A look at the ludicrous.

Certain television segments that wrestling promoters present don’t seem to be designed to help sell tickets and merchandise, entice people to watch their programming, or to purchase the next pay-per-view. That seems very strange to me. Most business decisions in the rest of the world are intended to improve the bottom line, but I find it difficult to see how certain pro wrestling angles are good for business. Some recent examples are:

– John Cena kissing Maria before their big mixed-tag team match. Is it likely that the two are about to form an on-screen couple? Probably not. I’ll bet Old Man McMahon just wanted to see Maria make out with someone on live television.

– Hacksaw Jim Duggan showing up for 4-minute segments, just to make one VERY BAD, VERY UNFUNNY joke based on his famous call to the crowd from 20 years ago. To top it off, he’s always appearing shirtless, as if his flabby physique is going to bring in that key 18-34 male demographic.

– Shelton’s Mama meeting Eugene. Shelton’s Mama meeting Goldust. Shelton’s Mama meeting Val Venis. Anything Shelton’s Mama does…

– HBK playing the face against the heel authority-figure. It’s an angle that’s been done to death, and there can’t really be a pay-off match with Vince to close the arc. Thankfully, it seems Shane-O-Mac will fill in for his pops at the big match, possibly at WrestleMania 22 in Chicago.

So, how far am I willing to suspend my disbelief in order to enjoy WWE television? That is what I want to do, by the way. I’m a wrestling fan, and I want to enjoy the show. To that end, here’s a list of concessions I’ll make to help the promoters take me on a ride for my own entertainment:

– I’ll accept that a 250-pound, muscled-up monster can pound another man’s face 25 times, but there will be no broken bones in the face OR the hand, the victim will not get knocked out, and there’ll be no bruising or swelling afterwards (unless the story of the match requires some blood, in which case the victim’s forehead tends to open with little resistance. Isn’t that convenient?).

– I’ll accept that when a person commits a crime against a pro wrestler, the injured party wants nothing more than a wrestling match against the offender, instead of pressing charges or suing for damages.

– I’ll accept that when you punch your male opponent “south of the border”, it’s nothing more than a transition move, and that in a matter of moments the victim will be fully mobile, in no pain, and will NOT be coughing up blood.

– I’ll accept that the best way to hurt someone with a sledgehammer is to wrap your fist around the heavy, metal head and strike them with it like a battering ram, rather than swinging it with both hands on the handle (hey, if you can’t use your weapon convincingly so it appears to hurt your opponent, find a different weapon).

– I’ll accept that when a wrestler slings his opponent toward the ring ropes (Irish whip) he remains upright, but when the same wrestler slings the same opponent toward the “steel” ring steps, the victim goes low to hit the steps with his shoulder. I realize why the “actor” needs to do this, but like my previous item, if you can’t do it and make it seem correct, just don’t do it at all. NOTE: Mick Foley often took this bump in a way that seemed physically consistent; that is, he stood up and drove his legs into the steps. It was crazy of him to do it that way, but it looked correct.

– On that note, I’ll accept that the people responsible for setting up the arena, in the storylines, continue to use metal folding chairs and “steel” ring steps, even though they’ve witnessed countless athletes getting waffled by those very items. They also seem to leave many dangerous, unnecessary items underneath the ring, like metal trash cans, ladders, tables, and tool boxes full of fun toys. Why?

– I’ll accept that entire custody battles for the right to raise your children can be fought in a wrestling ring rather than a court of law.

But that’s enough! Those are plenty of concessions for a half-way intelligent person to make. Here are some of the things I am not willing to swallow:

– Superhuman, undead fairytale-like zombie creatures who can make fire at will and command lightning, but a figure-four leglock can hurt them (see: Undertaker, Kane, and the Boogeyman).

– Big Show’s recent broken hand was portrayed as a dangerous weapon to be used against his opponent once it got fitted into that giant cast. Absurd! You can’t even punch a pillow with a broken hand without passing out from the pain, let alone a man’s head or a chair!

– Eugene is a “wrestling savant”. Lame.

– Shelton Benjamin is a world class, 245-pound adult athlete who’s Mama comes around the country to join him at every live episode of RAW, and she actually gets to be on TV with him!

– Any tramp with fake boobs can hang in a match against the greatest women’s wrestler in the world today, WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus.

– A male cheerleading squad can interrupt a national television show anytime they want. How’d they even get in the building? Why do they even care about pro wrestling, anyway?

– On that note, how did former “sponsor” Simon Dean wind up crossing that line and becoming an in-ring competitor? Is it just because he was in the building?

– On SmackDown, shortly after Melina seduced Batista and then turned around and accused him of sexual harassment, she tried to use her feminine charms to get her way with GM Theodore Long. This seriously hurt her credibility in her case against Batista, yet she did it right in front of the television cameras!

– Jillian Hall just doesn’t have a mole anymore. One of the most bizarre men to come along in pro wrestling in years ATE her unbelievably large and disgusting growth, and that’s the end of that storyline. Nice and tidy, right?

– Edge and Lita can just decide, of their own volition, to place a BED in the middle of a wrestling ring on a live TV show and do whatever they want in said bed.

– In TNA, Jackie Gayda has been working a storyline for several weeks in which she is threatening to take down Jeff Jarrett and all his cronies if she doesn’t get what she is owed. Fine, but then how did Morphoplex manage to get her to shoot a commercial for their product? They’re a highly prominent sponsor of TNA, and they recently tried to buy the company. Gayda isn’t even sure if she’s working for TNA yet!

– Part of the hook of the Royal Rumble ppv is that one-half of the main event of WrestleMania is decided in the Rumble match itself. If the winner of the Rumble earns a “guaranteed” title shot at the annual supershow, then how can somebody else challenge the winner of the Rumble and try to replace him at WrestleMania? Is the Royal Rumble victory like a title belt that you can just defend and lose? If so, what’s the point of the Royal Rumble match?

And by the way, what the heck ever happened to the “vacant General Manager” storyline on RAW?

I recognize that professional wrestling is fictional, but the primary concepts need to be loosely based in reality, or else the show really doesn’t work. When a wrestler puts his opponent in a painful hold and he can’t take the pain anymore, the victim must either make his way to the ropes to break the hold, or surrender the match. It’s that simple.

One plus two must still equal three, even in the imaginary world of the squared circle.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

p.s. – Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Master Sergeant, United States Air Force