Brain Spill: The (Not So) Talkative Class

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(The lights flicker on and off, and the sound of someone clapping is heard)

Okay class, it’s time to take your seats.

Before I open a can!

Now!

Don’t make me get out the yardstick!

(The classroom comes to order)

Okay, now that I’ve gotten you yahoos’ attentions, we can begin today’s lesson. And it’s a fun lesson too. Today we’re going to talk about… talking! And yes, this will be a workshop setting, where I will give you a chance to practice what you’ve learned. But until that time, I’m going to give you what I have to offer.

Yes, today’s column/lesson is about talking. We all love to talk. Hell, I even make a hobby out of bitching in a public forum. And believe it or not, I’ve been told I’m good at it. There’s a surprise.

Last week on Survivor, we saw a change of events. The tribes rearranged. During the course of this, one person was left hanging, two people were outcasts (sort of), and two more found themselves in a whole slew of power. Let’s take these three key items one by one.

What was once the selling point of Survivor Exile Island – four tribes – was just another advertising trap. Dammit CBS, why did it work so well?? Things went back to the normal routine last week, and of course, those of us who expected great changes were send back to Mediocrityland (population: us). The newly shuffled tribes are as such (immediately after the pick):

Casaya (purple): Danielle, Bobby, Cirie, Aras, Melinda, Shane, Courtney
La Mina (orange): Terry, Ruth Marie, Dan, Sally, Austin, Misty, Nick

So that’s the new tribes, and I can’t help but notice a division between who I would consider a good tribe and a bad tribe. This will be discussed later.

Of course, with the new tribes of seven each, this left Bruce out. His punishment for being picked last a la recess dodgeball (the painful memories are now surfacing. Please hold until I take a tablet).

Better now. As I was saying, Bruce did not get a home. So he was forced to spend three days on Exile Island. And he was granted Immunity for the next Tribal Council, where he would replace the bootee on the losing tribe. Sounds like you win some, you lose some.

I can’t help but notice that CBS is giving away too many clues as to the whereabouts of the hidden idol. Not only was the secret location narrowed down by approximately a third (“it’s not in the red area”), but they gave him another clue and countless of time to find it. With the way things are going, it HAS to be found by someone within the next three episodes. Think about it. In Guatemala, you had to go between camp life and looking for the idol, in a vast jungle with nothing to go off (and it was found in a period of about seven days). Here, you have all day to find it, because you’re not having to do anything chore-like. In addition, you’re on a small island with lots of points of reference, and clues (“let’s see, the map says it’s not in the middle, and I checked all around the area of that big skull for hours. It has to be on the other end of the island, and I have all day tomorrow to look for it.”). Did Misty find it after about two hours, or is she full of BS? I wouldn’t be surprised at either outcome.

So now that we’re done talking about Bruce behind his back, it’s time to look at tribal dynamics. At La Mina (who, in case you didn’t figure out already, is my favorite of the two tribes), it appears as if Nick and Austin are in some position. Dan and Terry (well, Terry and Dan) want to make an all-male alliance with these young bucks, and Sally and Misty want to make a youngster’s alliance with these fresh faces. Either way, these guys are going to have to play their cards right, because at least two people are going to be pissed when Austin and Nick vote off one of their supposed allies. However, it’s a matter of the glass being half full versus half empty. True, they are going to anger at least two people, but they instantly acquire two more people as allies.

So what’s going to happen? As always, I give you the Dora Foolproof Guarantee: ‘I’m clueless, but I promise to make an educated guess.’ Personally (and this has nothing to do with me being female, I swear), I think that Terry’s going to get the short end of this deal. Why would two young handsome guys go against potential hookups (yet moreso people their own age who they more likely relate to)? Also, men are more likely to be threatened by someone “better” than them, so I would say Austin and Nick would side with the girls, who are less “threatening” (even though we’ve seen in the cases of Amber Brkich, Katie Gallagher, and Stephenie LaGrossa -twice- the girls are clearly the puppet masters of such relationships).

So where does that leave Ruth Marie? One would think she’d be the immediate target, so as to delay Nick and Austin from making their decision (ie, have them persuade the girls and the older guys to vote for Ruth Marie, such that they don’t have to take sides yet). Ruth Marie isn’t on either side. But I have a hunch she’ll be an invaluable member of her tribe regardless. The girls will realize their gender differences, and try to pull her in, and the older guys will realize a young/old division, and get her on their side. So although she’s not on either side yet, she will be soon enough.

Now onto Camp Crazy, aka Casaya. Right after the tribes were shuffled, I chuckled at the thought that Aras, Courtney, and Shane were all on the same tribe. I then laughed (aloud) at the notion that they’d form a bond, or worse, an alliance. Well smack my ass and call me a bitch (quick: what movie’s that from?), it happened! Now I’m totally clueless as to what to think? Can a group of weirdos run a functional tribe, or will it crumble due to lack of organization? Believe it or not, I’m still undecided on this issue. Either route could happen. I would not be shocked to see Crazy Courtney and Co. kick some ass, if for nothing else than the fact they work well together.

And that leaves us with Melinda and Cirie. Melinda and Cirie were screwed from the get-go.

However.

They both did absolutely nothing to remedy their situation. Okay, maybe I’m wrong here (I am not), but there’s seven people on Casaya. I don’t know what the hell is up with Bobby, so I imagine that he’s an outcast. Why didn’t they actually get off their asses and attempt to stay in the game. They get Bobby on their side, and suddenly, they’ve got three against four. All it would have taken was a move to get someone like Danielle on their side, and they’re in the majority.

So class, as I started this session, I stated the importance of communication. Melinda (and thus Cirie) dug their own graves by not talking. Survivor is a social game deep down. Perhaps SOCIALizing is a way to play the SOCIAL game! Dear god, this plan seems flawless! You know what, I sat on my couch Thursday and wished the tides would turn against Shane, and save Melinda or Cirie. But the more I think about it, I’m glad Melinda’s gone. I am not one to appreciate a contestant sticking around by doing nothing. I have to earn almost everything in my life, and it bugs the hell out of me when I see people skate by, while people who are exerting effort get the axe (yes, Tina reference).

This leads us to Shane. I have applied to Survivor, and nothing would piss me off more than if I was rejected, while someone who got the opportunity to go on the show was pissing and moaning and wanting to go home. Shane, I like you, because I think you’ve got something snake-like in that head of yours. But in the mean time, I’m writing the column at home, and you’re having the chance of a lifetime. I’m the one who gets to bitch, not you. Grow up.

On the plus side, I do like Danielle in this game. She seems to be the level headed one in the power of Casaya. That can only mean success, as she can switch if it gets bad, or stick with it if Crazy Camp is not too bad. Wait and see about her.

Now time for the classic rundown. If you look at last week’s rankings, you’ll notice that the top five of last week are on La Mina, and the bottom five of last week are now on Casaya. Clearly, you know that I think La Mina is destined for more success in the game. The rundown this week reflects this belief.

Loser’s Lounge:
16- Tina Sheer
*Loser’s Lounge Update!* After catching a fish with her bare hands, Tina was tested further. She tore down an entire tree using just a butter knife and said hands. She then dragged the tree from deep in the woods to the beach, where she began to balance on the rolling log. Jeff Probst bet Burnett that Tina couldn’t roll for more than five minutes. She is now on hour 76, with no water or sleep. She has eaten however, because she caught yet another fish with her bare hands, all while balancing on the log.

15- Melinda Hyder (6). I don’t have anything good to say about her. Shane may have volunteered to quit, but Melinda quit out of apathy. I have no respect for that kind of attitude. Have fun in the lounge, loser.
————————–
14- Cirie Fields (12). She’s doomed and doesn’t want to fix her situation. Surprisingly, I have no hopes for her.

13- Shane Powers (14). If you want to quit, quit. Just realize you’re a douchebag if you do. Like Melinda, I have no sympathy for you.

12- Bobby Mason (11). Where was he last week? He could have possibly been involved with stopping the power. The fact that he was nowhere to be seen tells me that he’ll be a player that people won’t be crying over when he gets voted out soon.

11- Aras Baskauskas (13). On a tribe where three people are ranked lower than you, despite being #11, you maybe aren’t too doomed. In fact, you showed a glimmer of hope.

10- Terry Deitz (5). I have a suspicion that he’s going to be a dictator on his new tribe, and if it’s either Terry or Dan to go, they’ll get rid of Terry. Terry wanted an all male alliance, and I can’t help but think that he made this decision because ‘men are stronger than women.’ Also, look at how he reacted with Sally and the spear. Although his reaction was totally justified, it’s an indication that Terry’s reign may be an absolute one, and people will pounce on the chance to boot him.

9- Bruce Kanegai (9). He was welcomed into his tribe in place of Melinda. Whether or not he can get into Casaya’s good graces remains to be unseen.

8- Nick Stanbury (10). Okay, so he and Austin are in a position of power on La Mina. I still can’t help but think that Nick is a follower, incapable of thinking for himself. This may be problematic.

7- Courtney Marit (15). The top seven I would say are playing this game well at this point in time. This means that Courtney is among those seven. I’d even say she gets player of the week honors, folks. (shudders). She’s doing well in a tribe that appreciates her ‘unique’ personality.

6- Sally Schumann (1). She lost the spear. Although she handled it well (not passing the blame, yet expressing regret), she still did it. If Terry has his way, she could be held accountable. The tribe appeared to forgive her for the accident, but still, going without fish that could have been is huge. I still like Sally, and have high hopes for her, but I can’t put her any higher due to her mishap.

5- Ruth Marie Milliman (3). I’m giving her wild card status on La Mina. In her late 40s, she’s still very able, and in a tribe that needs a mom figure, this will bode well for her.

4- Austin Carty (8). Nick and Austin are in power of La Mina. And I already said that Nick is not the brains of this duo. Therefore, Austin’s in charge of the power. He’s really good looking too, perfect for a young girl to exploit.

3- Misty Giles (4). And what better girl to exploit a man than the hot girl I’ve compared to Amber Brkich? I’ve gotten the Amber vibe from Misty from the beginning, and she has yet to disappoint. This cat is trouble for every other contestant. Another Amber reference: Misty almost had an orgasm at the thought of food. Remember how Jerri and Amber did the same thing in the Outback? You all know how I fell about Mrs. Mariano. I tell you, if Misty keeps it up, she could be the next Amber. Plus they’re both hot chicks.

2- Dan Berry (2). Dear god, Dan is really white. I think that Austin and Nick will side with the girls at La Mina, but the first person to take the fall will be Terry. Of course, if all goes as planned for Dan and Terry, then the four guys will be in control. Regardless, Dan’s hiding perfectly behind Terry, and Terry will go first if this is long-term. He’s in a great spot.

1- Danielle DiLorenzo (7). She’s the real (only) brains behind Casaya. She’s physical, attractive, and most of all, smart. She will dictate where Casaya goes in the upcoming weeks. The best part is that even if she screws up, there are plenty of others to take the fall for her.

And that’s it class. As promised, I said this session today was an interactive workshop, where I will talk about talking, then give you a chance to demonstrate the skills you’ve learned. I invite you all to shoot me an email, and we’ll talk. No big whoop.

Until next time, when we discuss the benefits of drinking water to remain regular, stay cool.

~Dora