SLAYER’S SPORTS & STUFF!!!
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff, everyone’s favorite flake is back with more rambling about nothing in general and some more soft-core pseudo-porn for you to put in that special place deep inside your hard-drive. Last week, for the first time in some moons, I clicked on Insidepulse under the My Favorites tab. I gotta admit, I was a little disappointed. I don’t know why. You know when you’re away from some place for awhile, and when you return you hope everything changed only to see nothing had changed? That was my reaction. The website still doesn’t work on all computers, I still can’t find my favorite writers (and I work here!), and the top story was a TV celebrity. Yup, Insidepulse was right where I left it. But then I did some snooping, and noticed some things had indeed changed. IP Sports Radio has podcasting! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! IP Sports has new writers! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! And much of the staff here has stepped up to the plate in the absence of others as the young take out the old! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
So, for the past few days, I’ve been caught with Olympic fever. I admit it. I love the Olympics and I totally get hooked into these games. I’m not ashamed of it. Hey, I’ll watch competitive sledding once every four years. Cross-Country Sprint? Sure, why not. Short track-speed skating also known as speed skating in an even smaller circle? Bring it on! And of course my personal favorite, Curling, which just may be the greatest gambling sport ever invented.
However, being stationed in the big NY, I’m surrounded by the elitist media that claim they will refuse to acknowledge snowboarding as a sport and that the Olympics is boring and a drag. Well, they can go fly a kite. It’s the old GMAC Bowl scenario. Either watch it or don’t, but complaining about its existence is an argument I refuse to be involved in. However, there are THREE things that annoy me about the Olympics this year. TWO are not very original observations but ONE may ruffle some feathers a bit.
Hmmmmmmmmm
I will need an original header for this..let’s see what my brain can come up with….
How about…..
THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY ME ABOUT THE XX WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES!
Am I a natural or what. So here we go….
THING ONE: NBC
NBC’s coverage of these games is putrid at best. First of all, I don’t think I like the idea of splitting up the prime-time sports into “thirds” and distributing them during random (though they will say “strategic”) times. Don’t show a little figure skating, some skiing, some racing, then some more skating then a little more skiing and so on and so on. Show all the events as a whole! I mean it’s all taped anyway, and I would rather have an actual tape delay then a cut and pasted form of the sport. Which brings us to the problem which will then bring us to an intriguing irony. The mainstream sports (a.k.a. sports women make their boyfriends and husbands watch) get on Primetime. And it’s not covered like an actual sport. There is little commentary and absolutely no reflection. Instead, it’s presented like some reality show. And personally, I hate reality shows (Blasphemy?). So, it’s sort of annoying. However, the less popular sports (or fringe sports if you well) such as Hockey, Curling, and the stuff only Europeans care about (like the seven different ways to ride a sled and calling them different sports) gets excellent coverage in the cable slots and non-primetime slots. The coverage of the hockey, curling, cross country skiing, and sledding has been great. Unfortunately, no one in America is watching them. The only saving grace to NBC’s prime-time coverage is Bob Costas. No, I’m not a Costas fan. I despise many things about him. And while I will admit, he is a great provocateur in sports coverage in many different respects, he is doing nothing but minimal host duties. However, he does move it along well and really does his best to try to turn NBC’s reality TV show called the Winter Olympics into an actual sporting event. However, it seems he absolutely hates doing it as was covered by the New York Times in a controversial article the other week. But almost everyone agrees with what I said, and if you don’t, what do you want from me.
THING TWO: WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
This has to be the dreariest of Olympics in my memory. No one is there. The arenas are barely a third full and there is almost no one at the slopes. Nothing but empty chairs and empty space. Many saw this coming though. The people of Torin (where did they buy that vowel from anyway) don’t care. Literally. They did a poll. The majority of the locales find it a burden and many of them went elsewhere for these two weeks to find solitude. No buzz, no energy. Looks like the local government decided to bankrupt themselves for the sake of satisfying a few rich pseudo-pragmatists and burned everyone else along the way. I know the feeling, it almost happened here in New York City. It’s very annoying when watching an Olympic event and something awesome happens, you get all excited and expect to hear a roar from the crowd only to hear a few shrieks from the winner’s immediate family.
THING THREE: MEN IN WOMEN’S SPORTS
There are several sports during the Summer Olympics where I feel the women’s game is much more exciting then the men’s. Examples are tennis, gymnastics, volleyball, soccer, and kickboxing. However, I still respect the men’s version of these sports, I just prefer watching the ladies. However, in the winter Olympics, there are two sports I love when watching the ladies and feel men should have no part in it: Curling and Figure Skating.
Let’s do curling first. Women’s curling is an acquired taste. However, it’s not difficult to acquire the taste. It usually goes in these steps. The following happens to many people. It happened to me during the 98 games.
1) While flipping channels you see it on your television and scream “What the hell is this? Shuffleboard in the Olympics?”
2) Then you realize the women playing this game can be quite attractive so you keep watching a while.
3) Then you actually get into the actual game itself and find yourself unable to turn it off until the game is completed.
4) Then when talking about this bizarre experience with other people, your Canadian friends inform you Curling is huuuuuuuuuuuuge up in Canada!
5) Then you realize it is the greatest gambling game ever invented.
6) Then you realize it also makes a hell of a drinking game too.
And that’s it. You’re hooked on Women’s Curling.
Then one day, you’re flipping through the channels and curling is on so you get excited. You bring out a bottle of Stolies and a some twenty dollar bills and are about to check the scene out and play “which Curler will I fantasize about tonight?” Then you realize something is different about this game of Curling. It’s all right there in front of you, but one side of your brain seems to be suppressing the logical conclusion based on the facts taken in by the other side of your brain. Then like a banshee it hits you..THESE AREN’T GIRLS, THESE ARE MEN! What the f*ck? Why the hell are men curling? Men should have no business curling. Yes, you can drink and gamble to men’s curling too..but, you know, it’s not even close to being the same thing.
Am I being a reverse-shovonist pig? Perhaps. I think to properly assess this, we need a another dependent variable, so let’s ask Ms. Opinionated herself, the Mistress!
Me: Are men attractive when they go Curling?
Mistress: No, in fact it just may be the gayest thing a man can do.
So there you go! Proof-positive that while lady’s curling is cool, men’s curling is uncool.
Still not convinced? Well, you shouldn’t be. Because all research needs a control variable. So let’s ask my gay friend, Scott.
Me: Hi, Scott!
GFS: It’s 3 in the morning. What the hell do you want.
Me: I have a question for you that must be answered in order to conclude my findings.
GFS: What are you talking about?
Me: Female curling rules and men’s curling is gay.
GFS: ….
Me: Don’t you agree?
GFS: What do you mean, gay?
Me: You know…gay.
GFS: I don’t appreciate you using the word ‘gay’ as a negative connotation. I’m actually quite offended. I thought you were a better friend then that.
Me: Ok, nevermind that. Should Men be curling?
GFS: They should probably find something better to do with their time.
So. There you go! Proof men should not be curling….at least competitively.
Now about figure skating. Women’s figure skating is graceful, elegant, and beautiful. It’s also awesome to see them f*ck up. And I’m going to throw a bone here, the pairs are ok. I can deal with the pairs. But men’s single figure skating I cannot deal with. The costumes, the attitude, the karma surrounding it…it’s bizarre, man! And I’m quite possibly one of the most accepting people in this world. But I can’t deal with it. When NBC is doing an expose on a male figure skater and he says in the most flamboyant way imaginable “All I need to care about is me!”, it makes my head explode. I hate to say it, but the American male figure skaters are even worse then the Europeans. And at the very least, at the Russian guys have little bit of masculinity in them.
Ok, we need a control group again. Let’s ask the Mistress.
Me: Are men attractive when they go Figure Skating?
Mistress: Oh hell yeah!
Me: Wait, what?
Mistress: I just wanna cuddle them up and put them in my pocket, hee hee.
Me: So when guys go curling, that’s gay. But when they figure skate, that’s not gay?
Mistress: Oh, it’s gay alright. But gay in a sexy way!
Me: You find male figure skaters to be sexy?
Mistress: They make me wetter then an ocean. I just want to bend them over, take my strap-on and…
OK, I think we get it. So there you go. We all learned a valuable lesson Women are as attracted to male figure skaters as men are to female beach volleyball players.
Well, that’s it for this week. Enjoy your Winter Olympics!
