Previously, on Desperate Housewives: Susan’s spleen is too close to her heart, Mike has information on Noah’s daughter, and Danielle is about to spill the Van De Kamp family secrets.
Bree wants to prove that a lady–the same lady from the 40 Year-Old Virgin–wouldn’t be able to prepare a six-course meal for ten women, and it turns out the lady had a slave. That’s it.
The world is full of unlikely pairings, including Edie and Susan power-walking over to Bree to ask about her and Betty Applewhite, since Danielle is dating Matthew and all. Bree claims to know what she’s doing, though, and walks off.
Tom arrives at the office, frustrated that his pitches keep failing, and another one fails, but Lynette throws him a bone and it works with Ed. Maybe he won’t get fired after all.
Carlos seems willing to offer up a guest room to the slave for a couple of days before she can be returned to China, but Gabrielle doesn’t want to have any part of that.
Danielle suggests to Bree that she go to Betty and ask her to hand over all her secrets, but Bree calls her daughter stupid.
Susan doesn’t have medical insurance for the spleen thing due to Lonnie screwing up the whole book insurance thing. Edie suggests that Susan find someone with a good medical plan to marry into.
Ed is more or less making a monkey out of Tom, much to Lynette’s dismay.
Gabrielle returns home to find the slave sitting around in the house, but she’s stitched up a jacket perfectly and made a very big dinner for Gabrielle. So much for her being unhappy about the slave. Afterwards, Gabrielle wonders if maybe she should stick around in America since she might be oppressed in China. Terrible, awful scene.
Edie sets up a blind marriage, as Susan realizes that the fake groom is not only gay, but wanting to kill his grandma off.
Noah reads a book with Felicia as the nurse, handing over Noah’s pills and a letter. “YOU HAVE A GRANDCHILD.” “Looks like Delfino’s been holding out on me.”
Bree has a plan to get the truth about the Applewhites, using the key to the house–she has ALL the keys in the neighborhood, it seems. And there’s Caleb as Bree walks through the door. Bree wants to talk with Caleb…she brought food.
At the office, Ed bet Tom that he wouldn’t eat a donut out of the toilet. Lynette tries to convince Tom to stop, but Tom is trying to click with Ed here.
Only Matthew and Betty know that Caleb exists, and Caleb explains to Bree that he just moved upstairs…used to live in the basement, you see. Yeah, and he used to be a different actor, too. Anyway, Bree is led down to the basement–which is more like solitary confinement–and is understandably shaken by the arm shackles on the bed. Turns out that Caleb hurt a girl–and then she died. “She was pretty, just like you.”
Susan swings by Mike’s to announce that she’s getting married, but Noah’s henchman swings by wondering about the grandchild. Mike announces that he’ll be there in the morning.
Gabrielle’s slave compliments Gabby on her jewelry, as Gabrielle continues to try and convince the slave to stick around in America. A silver bracelet seems to convince her.
The gay groom is out front of the shotgun wedding chapel, and away we go. Michael McDonald guest stars as the man’s life partner, very bitter it seems about him getting married. He’s also the only attendee at the wedding. Steven eventually budges…and leaves the chapel. And so does the gay groom. “What’s Love Got to do With It” plays as the pastor returns. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Karl swings by to see that Susan is eating the wedding cake and is not married. She’s down in the dumps, so Karl offers to bail her out. I typed that sentence way before it happened, folks. Hate this show. Hate it. Karl thinks he owes her one. “Will you marry me, Susan Mayer? Again?” They both agree to not tell Edie.
Gabrielle and Carlos are about to say goodbye to the slave…and it looks like she changed her mind at the last second. Gabrielle is happier than ever, and Carlos can’t really do anything about that.
Back at the office, Tom is now Toilet Boy and Lynette suggests that Tom tells Ed to stop playing games. But Tom is fine being Ed’s bitch. Lynette tries to stonewall Ed, but it’s his company and his rules. Lynette gives chase and calls out Ed, asking what it will take to get Ed to back off. Turns out that the bet is to eat a pound of raw bacon. Tom tries to keep Lynette from doing this, but Lynette’s game and finishes off the bacon, as Ed is ready to make it a business place again since all the fun was sucked out anyway.
Betty comes to Bree’s door…and knows that Bree came to visit Caleb. Melanie Foster did come up.
Noah gives Mike two days to deliver Zach to him. Felicia listens in.
Betty and Bree discussed the different aspects of Caleb. The Melanie thing turned out to be Melanie and Matthew being together, but during a breakup Caleb convinced Melanie to meet up with him. Melanie laughed in Caleb’s face when Caleb professed his love for her, so Caleb murdered her. Betty knows that it was her responsibility to protect Caleb from himself. Bree comforts Betty who seems to be on the verge of tears…
And in the closing montage, all you need to know is that Caleb is watching intently as Danielle and Matthew kiss and then part ways. Nice.
