InsidePulse LIVE Thursday Night Raw Report

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Hi all – long time reader, first time columnist. I just hope Eric has enough material for his columns without my emails from here on out. I’m starting late tonight (I didn’t know they wanted me to do the live coverage until after the show actually started), but we’ll do our best to catch up as quick as possible. Let’s get to it.

So tonight, we bring you Thursday Night Raw, from Greensboro, NC — and you all know what that means, right? It means Ric Flair is probably his ass kicked tonight. (Hey, I’ll be driving past Greensboro tomorrow on my way down to Myrtle Beach! Four days of golf and “gentlemen’s entertainment”. Good times.) Our hosts tonight are Joey Styles, Coach and the King. Later on, we get the forced retirement of John Cena, along with the WWE title match with HBK and Edge. No, wait – sorry. Strike that, reverse it, thank you. (Damn wishful thinking.) And our special ref in the title match is Mick Foley — good to see he’s enjoying retirement so much.

And let’s get right to it with…

HHH vs. The Big Show: Wow – the King of Kings is curtain-jerking? Guess he’s showing the boys how to be a good employee. We start with total domination by TBS – headbutts, big slaps in the corner, and a big press slam(!!). TBS stomps on the hand, then concentrates on it, including the silliest spot I think I’ve ever seen, where TBS gives HHH’s hand a big ole open hand slap. Oh, c’mon – did HHH say a naughty word? Is TBS going to go under the ring and pull out a ruler? Puh-leeze.

Anyway… HHH gets one move in (a necksnap on the ropes), but TBS then throws him into the corner, over the top rope, and down to the floor (wow – haven’t seen HHH pull out that spot in a while – he’s feeling it). But, the tide turns quickly when TBS gets shoved into the steel ringpost, and gets busted open (and looks like some potential too). Then, we go to COMMERCIAL…

Back in the ring – HHH is concentrating on the head, of course. But, TBS hulks up, and headbutts (??) HHH. TBS misses the legdrop, HHH uses the knee, and gets the Pedigree, which gets a.. two count? Yeah, thought that was a bit early. HHH goes for another Pedigee, but it’s countered. TBS goes for the chokeslam, but gets poked in the eye. He shrugs it off, and actually hits the chokeslam, for.. another 2 count (foot on the ropes). HHH rolls out to the floor, where TBS begins to beat on him. TBS rolls in-and-out of the ring to beat the count… twice. (Nice.) The stairs get involved, and then we get… a double count out? WHAT??? Wow – I really expected HHH to win this. Are you telling me they’re building up to another TBS/HHH match at Wrestlemania? Really? Nah – gotta be something else in the plans.

But, we do get A Nice Sequence after the match is over: TBS prepares the announce table, yells at HHH (“You wanna cross me? Huh? You wanna cross me? Well kiss my ass!”), but gets a kick in the groin for his trouble. HHH grabs a chair, but gets speared through the retaining wall. Nice spot – even if that section was obviously break-away. Even on replay, it’s a very cool visual.

To COMMERCIAL…

And we come back with HBK’s “I lost my smile” speech from February 3, 1997. Wow – it’s been that long? I remember RSPW going *nuts* when the news about this announcement hit the Net in the mid-afternoon. Man, I’m old.

We see Vince backstage with some lawyers, preparing for HBK’s retirement. Todd comes in and asks what we all want to know: does the double DQ mean both HHH and TBS are out of the tournament? Vince: “When is it ever safe to assume anything around here?” Well, Vinny, it’s safe to assume one thing – HHH doesn’t just get bumped out of the title picture that easily. And sure enough – it’s a Triple Threat Match next week, with HHH vs. TBS vs. the winner of RVD/Master tonight. Boo-yah.

And we hear a faint voice from the background: “Mr. McMahon… Mr. McMahon..” No, it’s not the Ghost of Wrestlemania Past — it’s Shelton’s Mama. She’s pleading the case for her son to have an Intercontinental Title shot tonight. Oh – is this how Flair gets screwed? Nope – Vince says that if Shelton wins his match against Eugene tonight, he’s the number one contender. (Hmm, should I just write up the summary of that match now? Okay: “Back and forth, good wrestling, Mama gets involved, Shelton wins”. There, that was easy.) The highlight of this little segment was definitely watching Shelton attempt to “emote” in the background – he seems to think that broadening his acting range involves changing his facial expression every 1.5 seconds. Now, don’t get me wrong — I *heart* Shelton as a wrestler, in the ring. But I recognize he needs to grow as a performer. I hope he gets there soon.

Meanwhile, in another part of our backstage neighborhood — it’s Mick Foley! And he’s singing “Big Time”. Suddenly, Edge and Lita enter. And, you’re not going to believe this — Lita attempts to flirt with him. I know — that came out of nowhere. Luckily, it only lasts a few seconds, before Edge juts in and informs Foley that he’s here simply to ensure that Foley doesn’t screw him. Foley reminds him that they have a much longer history than Foley and Cena, and that Foley still remembers counting the pin on the Rock from Stone Cold. But, he makes sure Edge knows he’s not actually hoping for Edge to win tonight, because he’s “a huge Hacksaw Jim Duggan fan”. (Ha – nice twist.) Edge leaves after the usual “Don’t screw me, or it’ll be the biggest mistake of your life” line.

To COMMERCIAL…

Shelton Benjamin vs. Eugene: Shelton and his Mama enter, but I can’t hear enough of the crowd response over the music to know what they think of him. Eugene enters to a… well, “Meh” reaction. He also enters with a box of chocolates. Oh, for crying out loud…

After the chocolates are sent flying outside the ring, we quickly go inside, where Eugene wastes no time in ‘tarding up. (Wow, this is going to be a quick match.) Eugene gets the airplane spin, and a nice northern lights suplex. Shelton comes back with a Samoan drop and an Exploder suplex.. wait, that’s it? Yup – 1-2-3. Wow – pretty much a squash. Shelton gets on the mic afterwards: “We did it, Mama. After next week, they won’t be calling me Mama’s Boy…” He looks around at the crowd, who really hasn’t picked up on the chant properly. “…they’ll be calling me the Intercontinental Champion, after I beat the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. Wooo!” And *that* gets the proper reaction. Congrats Shelton – the cheap heat works for you too.

We come back with a flashback to October 6, 1997, the night that D-X (HBK and HHH), showed the infamous grainy footage of The Clique’s famous goodbye in MSG. HBK gets two great lines in — To HHH: “Wait – you were a bad guy!”, and to Vince: “C’mon, you were an ass long before I made one out of you!” (You gotta understand, folks – wrestlers just didn’t *do* this at the time. Sure, we’re all sick of the “I’m gonna shoot on ya now” interview these days. But back in ’97? This was heady stuff, folks.)

We see Ashley backstage, and her outfit seems to meet the only criteria I have for women’s matches (those of you who religiously read Eric S’s articles will know what that is).

To COMMERCIAL…

Ashley vs. Torrie Wilson: Well, it’s not the worst match I’ve ever seen. But, honestly, I don’t have anything good to say about it either, except for the nice spanking bit Torrie gives Ashley towards the end. But, at least they keep it short, and Ashley wins with a roll-up (and holds the “Here’s my ass, get a good look” pose for a few seconds afterwards). Candace enters the ring, and announces her upcoming Playboy cover. “This’ll be the hottest cover ever!” Thankfully, they don’t overplay it with Torrie standing next to her — I appreciate that. Apparently, only the women are allowed to have stories in “slow burn” mode — now if they could just find more than 3 women who can actually *wrestle*, we’d be set.

Flashback to December 26, 2005. Wait – a flashback to 2 months ago? That seems rather.. unnecessary. However, this was an *incredible* in-ring promo, with Vince and HBK just on the top of their game. It was, of course, the bit where Vince was all hot about the Montreal Screw-job, and HBK got to tell him “It’s time to let it go”. I’m giving this some leeway, simply because I absolutely marked out like a 12-year-old over that whole promo.

To COMMERCIAL…

Vince saunters down the ring, and says he’s going to introduce “the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever experienced in my life”. You know, even the marks might buy that if he hadn’t just made a little video I like to call “The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior”. Kinda hard to take his hatred seriously after that, ya know?

Anyway, Shawn comes down, and the crowd goes berserk — as we would expect. Vince offers his hand, HBK goes to take it, and Vince pulls back. (Okay, when you’re the owner of the federation – not cool.) Vince says he has a “great musical tribute” to HBK’s career… well, no, not really. But he got every superstar from Raw and Smackdown to show up and shake his hand… well no, not really. But he flew in HBK’s family to watch his retirement… again no, not really. What he did bring was — the Spirit Squad. Heheh. Okay – I’ll admit, it made me smile a bit. I love the concept of the Spirit Squad – everybody hates them, and that’s exactly the point. Duh.

The “HBK” chants at this point start to get LOUD, and when HBK starts to speak, Vince cuts his mic off. “My mic is the only one that will work tonight.” HBK goes to pick up the pen to sign, and the crowd goes NUTS. HBK stands up, and shakes his head: “I’m Vince McMahon – you don’t say no to me!” So HBK grabs his mic – ha! His speech comes down to: “I love this job.” Vince yanks his mic back, and explains his reasons why he’s doing this to HBK: “You have this.. inner peace. I don’t have that. I don’t know what I want, but I have this insatiable appetite for life.” Wow – we’re approaching TMI here. “You don’t know the pressure on me! My life is a nightmare! I don’t like people like you, I *hate* people like you. I want what you have, and I can’t have it.” Still, even after Vince emasculates himself, HBK won’t sign the papers – but he definitely has the crowd in the palm of his hand, as he teases them with the pen in his hand. But, he stands up, and rips the contract in half. Vince, of course, slaps him in the face.. then gets out of the ring as quickly as he can. HBK rips off his jacket, and stands in the middle of the ring, as Vince just… walks out. It’s good to be the king.

Our announcers discuss this for a bit, exactly the way you expect them to. Then, we cut to “A huge announcement”. Which is — Bret Hart will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 1, 2006. (April’s Fools Day? Really? Would they… nahhh.)

To COMMERCIAL…

Chris Masters vs. RVD: Masters comes down to *no* reaction from the crowd. Wow – that has to be embarrassing. When RVD’s theme music plays, you can see at least 75% of the crowd stand up to cheer — and if that doesn’t foretell who’s winning this match.. well, I may have to quit my recapping job in my very first day.

Joey Styles: “RVD — some would say he’s the greatest athlete never to be the WWE champion”. Well, no, Joey — I love you, I really do — but you’re the only person who’s actually been saying that. In fact, you said it last week on Raw. Thanks, though.

We get your typical RVD match for a while, until Masters gets an advantage, and uses… the Torture Rack? Really? Well, okay – if Lex Lugar is your idol, Chris – you are well on your way, son. Congrats. I can’t wait until Ashley dies from an overdose in your hotel room in 10 years. (Oh wow – I apologize for that one already.)

Then, we get to see the rewards of a taped show — Lawler and Coach both start to talk up RVD’s supposed leg injury – which was an angle I think he was *supposed* to have sold, but never did outside of grabbing his knee occasionally when he was rolling around on the mat. (It certainly didn’t stop him from leaping onto the top rope whenever he needed to.) Our end sequence ends up being: Masters goes for a superplex, but gets kicked off (with a side wheel kick – admittedly, a very unique way to get knocked off the ropes). RVD then hits the 5-star frog splash, and that’s all she wrote.

We go backstage, and then there’s Jack – Trish Stratus’ date from last week. He’s lookin’ for a little more Trish loving, apparently, and finds her dressing room. But inside, of course, is Micki – in a blond wig. Then, we quickly devolve into the plotline from “Single White Female” — Micki tries to seduce Jack, but he wants nothing to do with her, so she basically accuses him of rape. Unfortunately, Micki isn’t quite the actress that Jennifer Jason Leigh is — but hey, I’ll give her credit: for a wrestler, her performance is definitely top-notch.

To COMMERCIAL…

Backstage, we see that Micki is crying to the police, then to Trish, about what Jack did to her (allegedly). Trish seems to believe her – proving that Trish is A) the dumbest person alive, and B) knows no one is who is TiVo’ing tonight’s episode.

We get a review of the Edge/Cena feud — all 5 weeks of it. Foley comes out as our special referee, and we take a break.

To COMMERCIAL…

Edge comes out to… well, so far as I can tell, no reaction at all. Cena comes out to the usual screams (I don’t like him, but I recognize the reaction from the audience — that’s the difference between myself and Eric, I think). BTW, we’re now at 10:45pm.

This quickly turns into what I like to call “a back-and-forth match”. This is my codeword(s) for a match that had nothing more exciting than the following moves: kick, punch, clothesline, toss outside the ropes, random boring suplex. Honestly, that’s all we had for the first 15 minutes of this match — wait, didn’t Edge used to be an exciting wrestler? Was he only able to do that when he was with Christian? Wha’ happened?

We do get a mildly exciting sequence, when Cena gets yanked into the 2nd turnbuckle, and Edge motions for Lita to start doing something in the other corner (no, it doesn’t involve nudity, you pervs). She tries to yank off the padding on the top turnbuckle, but gets caught by Mick. In a nice touch, she pretends to be just checking it, and ties the ropes into a double-knot. But, Foley is having none of that, and kicks her backstage. The usual protests follow, along with Cena trying to get the crowd to sing “Na na na, hey hey hey” (and failing miserably).

To COMMERCIAL…

We’re back at 10:59pm. We start to get into some good stuff: Cena gets backdropped onto the outside retaining wall. Edge brings him back in and goes for a pin. Foley is a bit late to get back in, counts only 2, and goes immediately over to the side of the ring near the announcers table: “I was late Coach, I was late on that one.” Nice, Mick – good to have you back. From here, we got some actually good strong back and forth: Edge gets a sleeper, gets backdropped, Cena goes to the top rope, gets powerbombed down, Edge tries a pin with his foot on the ropes (not happening), 5-knuckle shuffle into an F-U attempt, countered to an Edgecution — but a 2 count. Edge tries a spear – miss, Cena tries an F-U – nope, Foley gets bumped… twice. Cena gets an STF, Edge taps — but no ref! Lita breaks it up, Cena teases a big move on her, gets a belt in the forehead instead, Foley gets rolled in – 2 count! Edge goes up to the top rope, gets caught by Cena, moved into the F-U — and that’s all she wrote! Winner, and STILL champion: John Cena.

After the match – Cena walks backstage without incident. But Edge is up, and he’s mad – at Foley. Lita comes in, gives the “Ric Flair low blow”, which Charlotte really doesn’t appreciate. Edge then follows up with a spear, and crawls over Foley, screaming:”You cost me, you son of a bitch!” And that, kids, is how we set up that Wrestlemania match. Gee, can’t wait.