The news of the wrestling world this week is that Chris Kanyon has apparently come out. The more and more I think about this, I become more and more insulted. As a gay man myself, I find any exploitation (okay, save Will And Grace) of homosexuality to be disgusting, (And I’m looking at you as well all you stereotyped TV shows and characters) as well simply insulting. Queer Eye was pushing the boundaries of exploitation, and I was keeping positive about the future Orlando Jordan storyline but this has two things written all over it.
1: A quick way to make Orlando Jordan’s future gimmick redundant as well as attract attention to the independants showcasing Chris Kanyon.
OR 2: A quick way to make people notice Chris Kanyon once more. It’s been weak since people really noticed Chris Kanyon the way they did in his WCW days and this may just be the way to make people notice him.
Either way, both scenarios are the same in the end. The problem with either of these scenarios (as well as EVERY scenario out there – including that he actually is gay), is that he questions it on the internet. This could become a real life soap opera, with every independant playing their own part in outing Chris, or keeping him straight. As smart of a tactic it is, it will fail. People won’t pay just to see some character (which is the key word we need to remember here. This is his CHARACTER, as multiple sources note) come out when they can easily read about it on the internet.
. . Besides, everyone knows the obvious fact that once you’re out at Kanyon’s age, there’s no use putting your sexuality into question. Once you’re out at that age, you don’t go back in. It’s a stupid idea. Maybe when you’re young (15 and below), then you take back your coming out moment, but then again, most coming out moments aren’t publicity stunts. Nowadays, people just don’t realize there’s actually legitimate gay people, and Naughties People – who have the idea of Bisexuals being cool by simple premise alone. I hate to go on a rant here, especially when I should be reviewing SmackDown, but this is a subject that hits me personally. As far as I’m concerned, Chris Kanyon is not gay, and if he is, then he’s a terrible excuse for a “proud” gay man. What a bastard.
I’d like to introduce you, the readers, to a new ratings system. I can add one extra point to the overall SmackDown rating every time a lower card superstar or division is pushed. I can add multiple points for good plus promos or storylines. And, I can subtract points (up to five) from the overall score for a terrible match or segment.
Usual opening to SmackDown with the videos and everything, and we open right up with Rey Mysterio making his way out. We get clips from last week’s SmackDown with the Steel Pole Dropkick, before we get the introduction of Rey Mysterio’s deadliest opponent yet :Sylvan. I bet Rey is pissing his pants right around now. Sylvan cuts a promo about jealousy and all that stuff about how great Sylvan is. Sylvan can make a good United States Championship, but he’s in desperate need of a manager, baby.
Opening Contest: Rey Mysterio verses Sylvan
The match begins with Mysterio dropkicking Sylvan off the apron. Mysterio with a vaulting body press over the top rope. Mysterio sends Sylvan into the steel steps, and rolls in to break the ten count. Mysterio rolls Sylvan in and nails a senton to a standing Sylvan, and gets some punches in on Sylvan. Headlock by Mysterio leads to the usual irish whip into jumping stuff. Mysterio kicks the knees hard, and the fans begin the mandatory Eddie chants. Sweet Headscissors by Mysterio. Mysterio drop toe holds Sylvan into the second turnbuckle, and fails at a bronco buster. Sylvan gets the upper hand as the Eddie chants get louder. Knee drop to the back of Mysterio’s head gets Sylvan a two count. High back drop gets Sylvan another two count. Bearhug, of all things, by Sylvan, but the headbutts let Mysterio escape. MASSIVE spinebuster gets Sylvan another two count. I tell you Sylvan’s getting good at those big moves, even if he needs to work on them. Mysterio gets a boot to the face, failed springboard moonsault by Mysterio allows Sylvan to nail a good clothesline. Sylvan picks up Mysterio, but Mysterio sends Sylvan to the second rope and nails the 619 for the victory!
Winner : Rey Mysterio
Right afterwards, Randy Orton comes on out in his wrestling gear and a microphone. He tells Mysterio that if it weren’t for the concussion, then he’d go down to the ring and fight Mysterio. He then tells Mysterio that out of everything he’s said re: Eddie, nothing can take away that Eddie Main Evented WrestleMania, and that Mysterio is no Eddie, and he’ll never main event WrestleMania nor be a World Heavy Weight Champion, because he can never beat Randy Orton.
Well, the match itself wasn’t anything special, but I suppose, at least, that it wasn’t terrible. Five out of Ten, and an extra mark to the over all mark because it looks like SmackDown has regained their hopes in Sylvan.
Commercials.
Rey Mysterio’s walking around backstage and runs into Kurt Angle. Angle gives him a motivational speech about how to “Never Say Never”. I see no point in this entire segment if Rey Mysterio isn’t in the Main Event of WrestleMania. Mark Henry interrupts and cuts his most riveting promo yet, I almost had problems falling asleep during it! Of all things, Daivari holds Henry back.
Orlando Jordan’s in the ring having a bitch fit about how he wants a United States Championship match over Chris Benoit, and calls himself the Greatest Athlete In SmackDown History. Sure. He issues an open challenge, which is answered by the Boogeyman. Jordan shows his first hint of acting talent in fear.
Second Contest : Orlando Jordan verses The Boogeyman
This is sure to be a great match. Cough. Jordan attacks from behind and takes Boogeyman to the corners, and Boogeyman sort of Hulks Up. I guess. Clothesline by Boogeyman knocks Jordan down, choke hold, knee, and Pumphandle Slam gives Boogeyman an easy victory.
Winner : The Boogeyman
Well, on the upside, it was quick! On the downside, Zero out of Ten. On another upside, they’re pushing Boogeyman and somewhat pushing Orlando Jordan (but, since it was a squash, I ain’t counting it), which gives SmackDown another extra point.
Coming up later tonight : Chris Benoit and Bobby Lashley verses Fit Finlay and JBL! Up Next : Cruiser Weight Championship, Scotty Too Hotty verses Gregory Helms!
Commercials.
Backstage, the Cruiser Weights are arguing about Gregory Helms, who comes in and acts all cool and arrogant.
Third Contest : Cruiser Weight Championship : Scotty Too Hotty verses Gregory Helms (Champion)
Kid Kash must be injured still, or they’re saving Kash V Helms until Mania for some reason, since Kash was supposed to challenge tonight. Cole announces that Kash is really dealing with a family emergency. Oh. Well then. Lock up, arm drags and punches and kicks in the corner by Helms. Hotty gets some punches in, as well as a few hip tosses. Backdrop by Hotty for a two count. Knee by Helms, who sends Hotty into the corner. Helms runs in for a clothesline by Hotty moves, and runs back into a spear but Helms moves, which sends Hotty into the steel pole. TKO into the Knee gets Helms a two count. Headlock into suplex by Helms, followed by two leg drops and a arrogant cover. Helms gets a Sleeper Hold / Camel Clutch variation (which isn’t too innovative, mind you). Hotty begins to come back with punches, but Helms knocks him back down and gets a two count. Armbar / Sleeper Hold variation by Helms and Hotty battles out of it. Hotty with a flying elbow as well as some other elbows, flipping body drop by Hotty, and Hotty signals for the Worm but Helms clotheslines him down, sits him up, and nails the Shining Wizard for the victory.
Winner And STILL Cruiser Weight Champion : Gregory Helms
Helms gets on the microphone and puts himself as the greatest Cruiser Weight today, until the majority of the Cruiser Weights run on out and attack Helms together! Finishing moves are followed, as well as some signature moves. Well, Seven out of Ten for the match itself, and . . jesus . . . About five extra points to the overall rating for pushing the other Cruiser Weights.
Commercials.
Gregory Helms is receiving medical attention, when Theodore Long comes on in and tells him that he’s defending his Championship against all the Cruiser Weights from just before. Which, for those who don’t know, is : Psicosis, Super Crazy, Nunzio, Funaki, Scotty Too Hotty, Paul London, and Brian Kendrick. As much as I’m looking forward to that match, it’s the second melee match for the Crusier Weight Championship has been on Pay Per View this year. I suppose if it puts them all over then, at least, I can applaud it. Who knows, it might not be a mess.
Kristal is with Paul Burchill, who says nothing but “Hello”, before Kristal runs off. Mr Kennedy comes on in and trash talks, until Paul Burchill whips out his sword and subtly threatens Kennedy. I have hope for this angle, as lame as it may be. And, after being threatened, Mr Kennedy agrees with me. “We need a Pirate in this Business”, he says!
Booker T and Sharmell make their way out to do MORE commentary. For the tag match, this time.
Commercials.
Fourth Contest : Chris Benoit and Bobby Lashley verses Fit Finlay and John Bradshaw Layfield with Jillian Hall
This should be good. And fun! Hopefully. Jillian Hall’s bandage is all gone – it’s a miracle. A very small and odd miracle. Finlay and Benoit start. Finlay, after a lot of locking up, gets one of the legs, only to be hit with a one legged dropkick by Benoit. Benoit gets a kick in the gut and some chops and punches. Finlay goes to the outside, Benoit goes for a baseball slide, but goes into the apron curtain, Finlay with some punches before dragging Benoit to the steel steps and slamming his arm into the steel steps, while JBL stomps on the hand with the referee’s back turned and slides Benoit into the ring. Tag out to JBL. JBL stomps the hand some more. Benoit goes for some chops with the hurt hand; which should play an interesting idea for No Way Out, if Benoit’s hand is still damaged by then. Finlay tagged in. Uppercut to a stretched arm by Finlay. High scoop slam by Finlay before tagging out to JBL. Benoit with a snap suplex, well a slow one at least, on JBL. Tag out to Lashley. Clothesline to JBL, punch, irish whip into the corner and nails a half clothesline half body slam into JBL, who gets the worse part of the deal. Boots and punches to JBL, Belly to Belly over head suplex, but JBL drags Lashley outside. Back in, Lashley with a right hand to JBL and Finlay still hasn’t come in to stop the momentum. JBL with a knee to Lashley and finally tags out to Finlay. Big boot to Finlay, clothesline in the corner. On the outside of the ring Lashley goes for a clothesline on Finlay, who ducks, Lashley turns around into a big boot by JBL. Benoit stares JBL back into his corner as we go to . .
Commercials.
We’re back with JBL delivering a big boot to Lashley in the corner. Sleeper hold to Lashley. Lashley fan favorites out of it and punches JBL off, runs into the ropes only to get a knee in the back by Finlay, and stumble back into a clothesline by JBL. As Booker T says “Not from Hell”. Swinging neckbreaker by JBL to Lashley. Tag out to Finlay. Finlay with some uppercuts to Lashley. Lashley suddenly begins punching and kicking the absolute hell out of Finlay! Tag out to Benoit! Benoit in with some chops to Finlay, some punches as well, a back body drop and JBL’s in for some chops and a body drop as well! Snap suplex to Finlay, Snap suplex to JBL! Benoit goes for a cover on JBL but Finlay drops an elbow before a count can be made. Finlay pokes Benoit in the eyes. The Three Germans to JBL! Benoit signals for the Headbutt, but Finlay comes in for a German Suplex! JBL gets sent into the corner, Benoit runs, but JBL runs and Benoit slams into the turnbuckle, JBL knocks Lashley off the apron, and runs back for the Clothesline From Hell but gets locked in the Crippler Crossface! Finlay comes in and throws Benoit out of the ring and goes to send him into the steel steps, but Benoit reverses it and sends Finlay into the steps! Benoit steps up onto the apron and drops JBL throat first on the top rope and into the referee, Booker T comes up from behind and nails Benoit with a chair, Clothesline From Hell and we are finished!
Winners : Fit Finlay and John Bradshaw Layfield
Afterwards, Booker T and Sharmell realise that god really does exist, because Booker T is magically healed! IT’S A MIRACLE! PRAISE HIM! Raise your hands, my brothers and sisters! A fun little brawl, but just like the majority of Benoit matches lately, seemed to focus too much on the Booker T commentary as opposed to the match itself, which is always a pity and somewhat disorientating. However, this match was better than the others, and also a fun little brawl to boot. I’d buy JBL and Finlay as a team, and I’m even hoping for a Finlay and Lashley feud somewhere down the line. Eight out of Ten because I enjoyed it that match, even if it wasn’t great.
Commercials.
Bret Hart will be in this year’s Hall Of Fame. To be honest, we all now know that this is just all about the HBK / McMahon feud. And outside of Montreal, what has Bret Hart really done to make him as great as people say he is? I really don’t get the hype behind him. Maybe it’s just me, but I really couldn’t care about Bret Hart.
Simon Dean with his Gymini are in the ring and, obviously, insults the audience. Come to think of it, he kind of reminds me of an evil Steve Martin. Matt Hardy interrupts.
Fifth Contest: Matt Hardy verses Simon Dean with The Gymini
Lock up and Hardy gets a headlock, and elbows Dean in the face. In the corner, Hardy runs into the turnbuckles because of Gymini Interference. The referee sees one of the Gymini about to hit Hardy, before he sends them both to the back. Dean back in the ring with a elbow drop on the back of Hardy’s neck. Dean goes after the arm and the eyes, before whipping Hardy into the corner. Man, this match is boring. Eventually, Hardy gets the Side Effect. Hardy with some punches, some clotheslines, a swinging necbreaker, scoop slam, and that lame ass Yodel Leg Drop he has. Except it’s a elbow drop. Touche, Hardy, Touche. Hardy nails the Twist Of Fate for the victory.
Winner : Matt Hardy.
Total waste of time. Simply to give Hardy SOME sort of momentum leading into No Way Out, and the match wasn’t all too fun anyways. Three out of Ten.
Commercials.
Backstage, Matt Hardy runs into Melina and accepts her offer of “Open Challenge To MNM”, and tells her that he’s taking MNM on with his partner on Sunday. There’s no way that people can be fully satisfied with that match’s result.
MNM and Melina are making their way out, with the main event coming upon us rather abruptly. Mark Henry follows suit and comes out. Obviously not following suit to the point where he does the Melina thing. Thank the lord.
Commercials.
Main Event : MNM (Tag Team Champions) and Mark Henry with Daivari and Melina verses The UnderTaker and Kurt Angle (World Heavy Weight Champion)
The match starts off with Angle and Mercury. Or is it Taker and Mercury? Yes, yes it is! Shock horror! Taker tries for a few punches on Mercury, but Mercury gets the punches in first. Taker picks Mercury up out of nowhere in a choke hold and drops him in his team’s corner, signaling for Henry to come in! Henry’s tagged in. Henry with a headlock on Taker, and Angle gets the blind tag in, before Henry knocks Taker down with a shoulder. Angle lays punches in to Henry, nailing an uppercut before Henry gets the advantage with a headbutt. Tag out to Nitro. Some back and fourth action between Nitro and Angle with neither getting any distinct advantage until Nitro ends up running into the turnbuckles and stumbles back into a release german. Angle goes to lock in the Anglelock, but Mercury comes in and fights Angle off, while Taker runs in and big boot’s Henry off the apron. MNM are double teaming Angle at the ropes, before Taker comes in and throws Nitro into the corner. Angle takes Mercury into the corner, and the two try and out do each other by beating down their respective rag doll. Taker throws Nitro over the top rope and is all like “Yeah, let’s see you do that!”, and Angle gives the equivalent of a bitch slap by throwing Nitro over the top rope and going “Kiss my red, white, and blue ass!”. The two do a competitive partner stare down until Henry clotheslines them both down and out of the ring!
Commercials.
We return to see Angle stuck in the opposing corner, with Mercury choking out Angle with Nitro being the legal man. I prefer Nitro anyways. Nitro gets a hammer lock on Angle and brings him down into a sleeper hold and arm bar. UnderTaker’s regrowth is still really coming through. Angle nails a jawbreaker to escape, but Mercury is tagged in. Snapmare by Mercury before a knee drop for one. Another cover for one by Mercury. I’ve never understood that logic, which is what RAW 2 on XBox seemed to be all about. Mercury takes Angle into the corner and tags in Henry. Henry with a shoulder into Angle’s gut, and takes Angle into the center of the ring for a headbutt and a two count. Out of nowhere, Angle gets the Anglelock, but Henry kicks Angle off. Fist drop into Angle’s face by Henry. Tag out to Nitro. No, wait, it’s Mercury. I could have sworn that was Mercury! Anyways, another snapmare by Mercury following by a rear choke hold, but Angle nails a high back body drop. Tag out to Taker! Taker in and takes down the opposition with punches and big boots! Snake eyes to Nitro followed by the big boot! Corner Clotheslines on MNM, and Taker sets the two up for a double chokeslam but Henry attacks from behind. Tag out to Henry. Henry distracts the referee while Daivari chokes Taker and Nitro gets a cheap kick to Taker. Scoop slam by Henry gets a two count. In the corner, Henry lays some punches to Taker, while MNM choke Taker. Tag out to Mercury, who chokes Taker at the ropes. Tag out to Nitro. Double team suplex on Taker by MNM gets Nitro a two count. Tag out to Henry. Henry with some swinging punches, but Taker suddenly comes back with stiff punches, only to get a knee in the gut by Henry. Henry whips Taker into the ropes, who comes back with his swinging DDT! I really like that DDT, to be honest. Taker sits up and Angle tags in while Taker’s setting up for the chokeslam! MNM in, and Angle takes them down! German! Belly To Belly! Angle Slam to Nitro! Henry in, but gets a big boot by Taker! Angle puts Nitro in the Anglelock, and he quickly taps!
Winners : UnderTaker and Kurt Angle
Post match Angle poses in front of Taker with the title belt, who looks to go for Angle in a Chokeslam, but really grabs Mark Henry who was standing behind Kurt Angle! Taker gives Angle a bitter look and Chokeslams Henry! Before he sets Henry up for the Tombstone, with Kurt Angle looking on laughing. Taker actually nails the Tombstone on Mark Henry, much to Kurt Angle’s surprise! A stare down between the two closes SmackDown! Well, that match was fun at least. It could have been terrible BUT it was good. I suppose Eight out of Ten because of the piece of you know what this could have been.
Special Segment / Push Points : 7 (wow)
Rey Mysterio verses Sylvan: 5 / 10
Boogey Man verses Orlando Jordan: 0 / 10
Gregory Helms verses Scotty Too Hotty: 7 / 10
Benoit and Lashley verses JBL and Finlay: 8 / 10
Matt Hardy verses Simon Dean: 3 / 10
MNM and Mark Henry verses UnderTaker and Kurt Angle: 8 / 10
SmackDown Friday The 17th Feburary: 38 / 60
I guess that makes this the first SmackDown in a while that was a success, even with the card! Velocity’s tomorrow, don’t forget people, Ciao Yáll until then!
