First a bit about me. When I was younger, I was vaguely offended by Valentines Day. I felt like it created an unfair expectation for what is ideally a spontaneous emotion. I’m not talking about love, which should be steady as a heartbeat, but romance. Romance is not for writing in your date book. It is getting caught up in or caught by surprise by your attachment to/union with/need for a person who feels the same. Over time I grew to accept the day, but I never got over the idea that it was misguided.
I get it now.
I got married to a wonderful woman more than five years ago and that helped me put it perspective and gave me a way to explain how I feel about Valentines Day. It’s like a mini wedding day. Yes, it’s a bit contrived and you may cut yourself shaving or get a cold — pick your least favorite wet blanket — but you show up, call upon your sincerity and let someone know you care about them as clearly as possible. It may be romantic in the “wild passion” sense of the word — but it may not, and it need not. It’s about sincerity, not spontaneity.
A mix is a nice way to show how you feel. Flowers are great, too. Work those clichés — it’s what they’re there for. Anyone can do it and it is not just for the men. Show someone you care and put a little extra thought into it. Make it all about your Valentine for at least one day.
For the record, this year it was the big three (flowers, chocolate, card) and a fruit salad. Not hard, but I knew it would make her happy in a way only I knew how and she knows I love her. That’s all I need from Valentines Day and I’m glad it’s there. It doesn’t make me a hopeless romantic, it just means I love someone.
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If in future years you are stumped, be glad you cut and pasted this list into an e-mail to yourself for just such an occasion. It should help just about anyone get started.
“(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher” – Jackie Wilson
This is a nice, upbeat way to start. If you aren’t quite at the proposing stage yet, but you’ve dropped the “L” word, this is a winner. I know someone who borrowed my car when visiting his sick grandmother and I had left my MP3 player plugged in. This was not a happy guy to begin with. After hearing that he couldn’t help but sing along, I know for a fact that it is impossible to be unhappy when you listen to this song.
“Message of Love” – The Pretenders
“When love walks in the room, everybody stand up.” That’s a nice way to put it on Valentines Day. Today we show our respect for love. We still aren’t too serious yet with the musical message of love, though. The beat and melody say 80’s post punk while the lyrics say love is important and you’re feeling it. Sometimes you want to get a few songs in before you get on the serious side. This mix might get some air time throughout the year, and starting light will be very useful for that.
“Baby I Love You” – Aretha Franklin
The music is still easy going, but anyone who knows the song or pays attention to the lyrics will start to say, “wait a second, is this a Valentine’s Day Mix?” Yes. It is. And soon you will be mine.
“For You” – Tracy Chapman
A very subtle track from her debut and for those that are counting, the third song in a row by a woman artist. This can not be underestimated, in my opinion. This is the part of the article where I stress the importance of not offering “My Greatest Hits: Stuff About Love Edition.” There is room for a handful of these songs, but it should be kept to a minimum and saved for closer to the end. It’s from you, so it should feel that way, but it’s for her/him and should feel more strongly that way.
Ideally it’s 20 or so songs that both of you love, and they should reflect both points of view. To me, that almost automatically means including songs sung by both men and women (assuming a hetero relationship, of course). How would you feel if you got a mix of music sung entirely by artists of the other sex?
You don’t have to kill yourself to find an entire tracklist performed by the opposite sex, but be aware of how everything will sound to the recipient. If you don’t own or have access to any songs representing the other point of view, get some. I’m not going to get all Dr. Phil about it, but music should connect people and if it doesn’t connect you two, that’s something to work on.
About this song: it is a gem. If you haven’t heard it in a while, give it a spin and see if it doesn’t catch you by surprise.
“All About Our Love” – Sade
If the last track just washed over your love interest, this one is sure to make your intention clear. With a title like this, it is impossible to mistake your intent. Five songs into it, this should be clear, so why not come right out and say it. A warning to the unwed: at this point some recipients might start looking for small boxes on your person, and deservedly so.
“My One and Only Love” – John Coltrane
If I had to pick the number one most romantic song of all time that is guaranteed to make you think about the one great love of your life, even if said person eludes you to date, this is it. If you feel you may not be the recipient’s one true love, avoid this song at all costs.
“Born to Love” – Billie Holiday
One for the ladies to offer to their men, or just a nice track for general use. “Won’t you love and be loved by me?” It’s a nice anticipation of “Nature Boy” (find it, it’s a standard — it was even the focal song of a popular musical date movie of a few years ago) and it doesn’t get bogged down in poetry. Plus, we’re in a jazzy mood after Coltrane, so we might as well ride that for one more song.
“Two of Us (Naked Version)” – the Beatles
Now that the point has been made, you can go back to a lighter tone. By the way, “Naked Version” means it’s on Let it Be: Naked not that it’s about the two of anyone being naked. This is just a charming track about a long future together. When you get serious/married, a whole department of the global record store is newly open to you. Work that.
“Pecan Pie” – Golden Smog
Another easy charmer and far less serious at that. “A piece of pecan pie, and you that’s all I want.” I’d put this with “Summertime Rolls” by Jane’s Addiction as songs that are very casually loving. Of course, Jane’s Addition is a fine selection for some recipients. This one is better for most.
“These Arms of Mine” – Otis Redding
I said when we were in the summer mix round that I hate to pass up an opportunity to belt out a tune with Otis Redding. It’s because I’m exactly that kind of lame ass. I have no idea (honestly) after years of dating and marriage if my wife finds this charming, but I like it and the song is a winner.
“It’s Great When We’re Together” – Findley Quaye
Non-committals: This song contains the lyric “and I know that I can’t live without you.” It’s a double diamond love song, but it’s easy passage for those that know the slopes. Findley Quaye reminds me and my Valentine of when we were dating. I left out most of the songs that tell the most about our story, but since this is more about a time and less about narrative, it makes the cut. Plus if you missed him the first time, you might want to go dig up a copy of his debut. It’s a winner.
“I’m In Love With a Girl” – Big Star
This is a song that I like and I think my wife will put up with. I think that Big Star was fashionable for a time and then people found another semi-obscure band from the seventies to rave about, which is just about right given the quality of their songs. Not the best, but worthy of a year and a half of adulation they never got when they were recording. This is a song, though, that should get a permanent place in the sweet song hall of fame. It does exactly what it promises. No more, no less.
“Come In To My Life” – Jimmy Cliff
Jimmy Cliff, like Jackie Wilson, could make phone book listings sound fun just by singing them. Here he’s got far better material. This is about going deeper in a relationship. You’ve gotten to know each other, you know you enjoy each other’s company, maybe you kissed after the Christmas Party. It’s time to say the word “love” or some other sign of further attachment — and you’re really happy about it. This song is the soundtrack of that feeling.
“You’re All I Need to Get By” – Marvin Gaye
Classics like this and others to follow should not be feared. They are the roses, chocolate and cards of the music world. They are not day-to-day fare, but you can bring them out on occasions like this. What would Christmas be without carols?
“Love You Madly” – Cake
At this point, we need to pick it up a bit. Jimmy Cliff and Marvin Gaye were a tempo boost from what came before which gives us a good excuse to start loosening things up. With the classic Cake sense of arrangement and a driving beat, this is a love song the commitment adverse can warm up to (from a comfortable distance, of course, in case the song gets too needy).
“Girlfriend” – Matthew Sweet
Amazingly, this song works well after marriage. People who are married sometimes like to feel as if they are still just meeting each other. It’s a little game to see if “me now,” meeting “you now” for the first time, would find enough interest between us to end up “us now” somewhere years down the road. Does that make any sense? It will when you’ve been married a while. PS: the answer is always yes. Especially on Valentines Day.
“I Got You” – Wilco
Here’s another rocker with lyrics that are far more serious. If this was down-tempo, it would be for experts and stalkers only. “I can’t think of anything except you.” This is from Being There when Wilco was just starting to think about becoming an art rock band, and this is still mostly a roots-rock song. It’s up-beat and easy to like in the same way as others here including “Message of Love,” “Girlfriend” and “Love You Madly.”
“Somebody to Hold Me” – Jonathan Richman
I almost left this one off because I feel like it’s very attached to me (as opposed to me being attached to it). But there are lots of people who like Jonathan and many more who would if they got to know him. Most of those people like him for the goofy, simple, charming songs he seems to create at will. They don’t all work, and they aren’t all romantic, but this is a home run.
“Question” – Old 97’s
This band also has a hard luck song called “Valentine” that might be good as a pity grab, but for the currently engaged or married, this song tops them all. The question of the title is, of course, THE question, as in the one a person pops. Again I feel that, while the song mirrors my own experience, it is more universal. This song came out after we got engaged, but tells the story of our engagement exactly. Either Rhett was watching us or, given that he lived in New York and got engaged at the same time I did, we are simply similarly inclined.
This placement, by the way is ideal for that song that tells your story, whatever it is. If this was a paint by numbers, this spot would have a little “PC” for “painter’s choice.” Here is where you have to put a little thought into it. No one passes this point for free. (Unless you surprised your female sweetheart with a proposal in a park, made her cry — in a good way — and then walked around for a bit before heading home — in which case, go ahead and use mine. It’s perfect.)
“You Are the Sunshine of My Life” – Stevie Wonder/”Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe” – Barry White
Remember the choose your own adventure books (am I dating myself)? Your pick here. How do you want to end it? For those who have only heard the Stevie Wonder classic performed by wedding bands, please grow up and acquire this song. It is fantastic and far more appealing in it’s original habitat. The Barry White song is a cliché in any setting and by any artist or hack. That’s just fine. Serve me up a big chunk of that cheese. So you can go sweet and cheerful or you can go cheesy and fun. Neither answer is wrong, but you can’t do both or you’re just leaving things a mess.
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That’s it. On Valentines Day or any other day that’s appropriate, feel free to share these songs as directed with your other half and bask in the glow of the appreciated. It’s a gift you give yourself if you’ve done it right. It’s enough to make you feel downright… romantic.
