Starting off this week, I just feel like being mean. It’s been bubbling in me for the last couple of days.
I went to this lovely show at Club Underground in Minneapolis this past weekend. Yeah, I’ve reviewed Stellar Vector, Uber Cool Kung Fu, and OBCT in this column before, and I’ve had plenty of good things to say about them. Stellar Vector makes me happy with 7/8 time signatures and serious intensity, UCKF makes all the kiddies bounce around, and OBCT is just a nice dose of energetic weird in the middle of everything. So, obviously, the core of my interest was going to be the opening act which I had not seen before: Yume.
Let me sum up my opinion in a nutshell: not good. But here’s the train of thought that created this nutshell.
First, the musicianship. The bass player? Right on. Dude’s got his chops. Could he use some stage presence, perhaps stop putting eight gallons of starch in his clothes so that he seems lifelike? Sure. But he can play. The guitarist could play, too. However, as it was pointed out to me, his pedals were sitting on top of his amp. In other words, the tone did not change throughout the entire set. This might be fine if you’re punk, but when you’re playing wispy alt-rock with a treble-heavy jangle sound? It really starts to grate on the nerves after, oh, the fourth song or so. The drummer can certainly move his arms and legs from point A to point B without issue and actually had some amazing fills, but there’s one very important job of the drummer: to keep time. And he was failing miserably. Lots of slowing down and speeding up. He shouldn’t be ashamed to start using a click track, really.
But the crown jewel in this band is their female vocalist. Now, I’m not entirely sure what sound they’re going for, but to me it sounded like someone had heard one too many Lush records. Lots of breathy, falsetto “ooohs” and thin, nasal, childlike vocals. This isn’t a problem — hell, it worked for Cocteau Twins — except this girl couldn’t carry a tune in a wooden bucket.
The first thing I thought was, wow… I’m being really harsh and mean. They all look pretty uncomfortable on the stage and seem to be just breaking themselves in. So it seemed really surprising to see on their website that they’ve been together since 2003. After I learned that fact, any residual guilt melted away.
Let me talk more about this singer. Yes, she had zero stage presence. Again, this comes with time, and someone recommended maybe if she’d go out and do karaoke that this would help her loosen up. But no amount of karaoke is going to change her voice. You can hear it even on the track they have posted: her voice wanders to find notes. This is a common trait found in wannabe American Idol contestants who think they’re the greatest singers in the world. If you can’t NAIL a note, you don’t have an ear. You can have the power of Aretha Franklin, but if you can’t go from one note to another without sliding or creating extra tones, you can’t f*cking sing. If you can’t hear the proper note in your head (or in a chord) and then spit that same note out of your mouth, you might as well give up now or fork over some good cash for intense lessons.
Is she pretty? Yeah, she was cute. But cute girls are a dime a dozen. If you need a musician, you need a f*cking musician, not a poster. You can’t take ProTools on stage with you unless you’re going full-on Milli Vanilli style.
But back to Yume, the band and the songs. Oh, really, do I need to be tougher on these guys? Aside from the musicianship that needs work, they’ve got another problem: a giant pile of songs that nearly all sound the same. It’s a 45 minute set of dreamy, sleepy alt-rock with very little tempo or rhythm change. When they did switch it up on occasion, I almost started jumping for joy. At last! Something sonically interesting! Then it would go back, and I would pout. The temperature outside was barely above zero and I don’t smoke, but I went out with the smokers anyway.
The question is, how does one make a critique like this — with so many obvious flaws to note, some of them critical to the band being even remotely listenable — without flat-out insulting anyone? I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, presuming that they were new to the stage and the process as a whole. But they’ve been together three years. That kickass bass player should be able to see the big picture of what’s going on around him. They’re not quite a train wreck, but they’re definitely not pleasant. With this critique in hand, what in the hell could they do to save themselves? Honestly, if anyone can give me any ideas that don’t include setting everyone on fire, I would be open to suggestions. I like to give encouragement to new bands who could use a helping hand, but I’m at a loss when it comes to Yume.
But hey, if you’re in a band and you’re playing in the Twin Cities metro area, shoot me an email! I can’t promise that I’ll be nice, but I’ll at least be honest and straightforward. That’s a hell of a lot more than you get from the natives around here.
Alice In Musicland
It’s been a big weekend! My favorite reporting of this particular event comes from Blabbermouth:
A full-length version of another track recorded during the sessions for GUNS N’ ROSES’ much-anticipated “Chinese Democracy” album has been leaked  this time of the song “There Was A Time”, or “T.W.A.T.”
The track, which has been rumored to exist for some time within the GUNS N’ ROSES fan community, is the third new GN’R song to make its way online in two days  joiing the full-length leak of the song “I.R.S.” and a one-minute, 20-second clip of a track called “Better”. GUNS N’ ROSES’ management has reportedly been asking webmasters to delete the files from their sites, and to also remove any links to them, in an effort to stop their spread. It’s unknown where the leaks originated.
Although GUNS N’ ROSES frontman Axl Rose has yet to officially comment on the leaks, Lisa Reed, wife of longtime GN’R member Dizzy Reed, reportedly let her feelings be known in an online post. “I just don’t understand it,” she wrote with regards to the leak. “If people claim to love the band and Axl so much, why on earth would you do something you know will piss them off? Especially when all signs point to it getting closer and closer. It’s like shaking all your Christmas presents on the 23rd of December and figuring out what they are. No surprise and you ruined the fun for the giver. I just as much as anyone want this record to come out. but BE PATIENT!'”
Well you bet your ass I have these tracks. Not illegally, of course… you know… uhh, Axl put them right in my hand! YEAH!
Leaked songs from Chinese Democracy! I think everyone’s first thought was, “wow, the album really does exist out there somewhere, not just a figment of Axl’s imagination!” But I think that Ms. Reed’s opinion on the matter is just plain stupid.
See, the songs are actually pretty good. Great? I don’t know about that, but they’re definitely good. Think the pooftier side of Use Your Illusion, a la “November Rain” as far as style is concerned. It’s not Appetite, but it’s a direction that one might call predictable given Axl’s predilection for the ornate. I’ve heard comparisons to Queensryche and allusions to Dream Theater. I wouldn’t go that far in either instance, but it’s a helpful way to describe to the world what their non-pirate ears could conceptualize.
Nowhere have I seen bad buzz about these leaked songs. In theory, should this not invigorate Mr. Rose to release the album? Shouldn’t this give him confidence that, yes, it’s time to put down the stick of perfectionism and finally give induce labor for this long-overdue fetus? Yeah, sneaking into Axl’s private little world probably did piss him off. But if he would look at the big picture, he’d see how much better this was for him than not. Rather than having an audience half comprised of rabid fans and half skeptics, he’s now got most of those folks all convinced to grab the album upon its release, along with countless others who really had no desire to fund the obnoxious Axl machine until now. It’s called good buzz, William. Take it and run with it before it dies.
Now, shifting from “any press is good press,” and I mean that as loosely as humanly possible. Also from Blabbermouth:
According to RollingStone.com, KORN bassist Reginald “Fieldy” Arvizu, 36, will marry his girlfriend of five years, Deena Beber, 22, on May 16. The waterfront wedding will take place at the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort in Dana Point, California. This is the second marriage for the bassist and the first for Beber.
Anyone out there doing the math along with me?
I SMELL STATUTORY!
And from one angry ranting musichound to another, credit Blabbermouth again:
According to News.com.au, American punk rock icon and writer Henry Rollins was reported to the National Security hotline during his recent Australian tour because of a book he was reading on a flight to Brisbane.
A furious Rollins was informed he was “nominated as a possible threat” for reading “Jihad: The Rise of Militant Islam In Central Asia”, writes Kathy McCabe.
The incident happened on a flight from Auckland on the recent Big Day Out tour.
Rollins told Australian fans during his tour that he received a letter from a “nice woman” who worked “in one of those government areas that deals with anti-terrorism matters.”
He posted the letter on his web site.
“Please tell your Government and everyone in your office to go f*ck themselves. Baghdad’s safer than my hometown and your PM is a sissy,” he wrote.
I’ve heard from Australians that their little Terror Hotline is mostly comprised of little old ladies calling to say that they saw someone wearing a turban, but either way, this is deliciously ridiculous. Survey also says that the “sissy” comment is pretty accurate.
I know what it’s like to be flagged as a threat. I’ve never been bothered by the government, but a couple of employers and my high school certainly weren’t happy with me and my big mouth. I’ve always had a reaction pretty damned close to Rollins’, too. FUCK ‘EM ALL!
Although Dubuque is definitely safer than Baghdad, he might be right when it comes to Washington, DC.
Anyway, as we opened with a G’n’R leak, how about a bit from their former touring partners?
Video footage of METALLICA’s rehearsal/soundcheck in Auckland, New Zealand prior to their concert on January 15, 2004 has been posted online at YouTube.com. The clip features METALLICA jamming on what appears to be a new riff/song, which may or may not be included in reworked form on the band’s forthcoming CD.
METALLICA recently confirmed in a posting on their official web site that they have recruited Rick Rubin (SLAYER, SYSTEM OF A DOWN, SLIPKNOT, AUDIOSLAVE, RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS) to produce their forthcoming studio LP. The news was accompanied on the site by several pictures of METALLICA in the studio with a shoeless Rubin.
METALLICA officially began the songwriting process for their new album late last year and are expected to spend the next few months compiling ideas before entering the final recording stage. A late 2006/early 2007 release via Warner Bros. is expected.
Crappy video quality, and over two years old, but so what! It’s new, it’s different, it’s Metallica!
Good f*cking riddance to Bob Rock, too. I don’t know if Rick Rubin is the answer, but I guess there could be worse. I’d like to hear Metallica produced by Steve Albini. Wait, no, I would not. How about Flood? That would certainly be interesting.
I need to stop fantasy booking albums.
But let’s venture over to the ridiculous so that we can all feel better about ourselves.
OZZY OSBOURNE fan site Ozzyhead.com has uploaded Ozzy’s “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” TV commercial, which began airing in the U.K. earlier this month. Download it at this location (.MPEG file, 2.1 MB).
U.K.’s Checkout magazine had previously reported that Unilever UK Foods launched a TV campaign for its “I can’t believe it’s not Butter” brand featuring Ozzy Osbourne and impersonator Jon Culshaw.
The 7-million-pound campaign went live this month and is designed to support the relaunch of the product, which has a new recipe, and a new pack design.
The campaign also includes press and poster advertising.
Brand manager Noam Buchalter said: “The aim of the activity is to communicate the improvements made to the spread and to highlight the new packaging.”
Jon Culshaw impersonates Ozzy Osbourne in the TV ad, which plays upon the fact that it is as difficult to tell the two Ozzies apart as it is to distinguish between “I can’t believe it’s not Butter” and butter.
“‘I can’t believe it’s not Butter’ now tastes so much like butter that the two Ozzies can’t tell the difference,” added Buchalter. “‘I can’t believe it’s not Butter’ has always been a great impersonator of butter and proud of it. Who better to star in the ads than the U.K.’s best impersonator? Jon and Ozzy make a great double act and their infectious personalities will have a great impact on consumers.”
Just when you thought Ozzy couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous…
Do your fairy cakes wear boots? HAR HAR HAR
Your Band Here
After my opening rant today, I wonder how many MySpace bands have regretted requesting a review. Honestly though, reading below, you might wonder who knocked me off of my computer chair and planted in my place. Anyway, if you or someone you know has a band on MySpace, feel free to pass the message along that FREE PRESS is available! Email me or send a friend request on MySpace and I’ll add you to the stack of victims lucky folks!
Tally Hall:
OH MY GOD FUN! This is the first band in a long time that I’ve heard on MySpace who made my skin tingle. They’re so precious! I guess one could make comparisons to Ben Folds, but I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll just applaud their liberal use of synths with straight-ahead rock. Mixed with quirks galore! Oh my goodness. Rarely am I out of words, but I’m kinda out of words.
Highlight: THIS IS AWESOME. I like music where you can tell the musicians really love what they’re doing, and it’s just plain obvious here. It’s ridiculous in all the right ways, yet artistically well crafted.
Lowlight: Ummm, MySpace is lagging on me? Wait, you can snag ’em on iTunes, too. Really, rarely do I get this hyper, so I greatly encourage you to check these guys out.
Cleric:
From the happy and smiley now transitioning to the super, duper, extra-hyper angry metal. We love that, too! In fact, this chaotic metal mess of a band actually makes the insanity work. Death? Yep. Technical? Yeah, that too. So heavy it makes Dani Filth cry? You betcha. But for as busy as it is, there’s some impressive work going on there. Amping up the bass would get them compared to Meshuggah, if that’s any helpful description.
Highlight: Around the 2:50 mark in “Allo Movement 1.” That just stands out like crazy as one beautifully executed chunk’o’metal. From that point forward, it’s like a descent into hell. Atmosphere. That’s what these guys do well.
Lowlight: Oh, this is so non-accessible that it’s not even funny. Metalheads are a fickle lot, and the blending of styles might make them whimper that they don’t sound like their exact specific type of favorite band. Also, well, they could use some self-control and trimming. Wank is admirable but not necessarily listenable.
Machinegun Symphony:
Little known fact: seeing “Industrial / Gothic / Electronica” in a band’s description makes me squeal. Thus continues the happiness of this weeks’ band reviews, as Machinegun Symphony is straight out of Colorado with bouncy, downtrodden madness. In a saturated genre where too many bands sound the same, it’s nice to hear more crossover to other electronic flavors. They don’t stray too far off the charts, but they do make you want to stomp.
Highlight: Both songs posted on their MySpace page are incredibly strong. “Cold” in particular sounds like something I’d want to slip to a club DJ. I would be interested to see if they could keep up a variety of sounds to fill out an entire disc without falling into a repetitive rut (as so many industrial bands do).
Lowlight: I don’t really hear much of anything truly negative, to be honest. There’s potential to go either way as far as boredom goes, however. As mentioned above… variety and keeping the sound fresh is key. Keep that in mind and nobody will leave the dance floor.
The Rad Ones
First off, over in Music here, ya see, we’re doing this Love, Inside Pulse Style! feature. Will there be a Gloomchen installment? HMMMMMMM? Watch and see. But read everyone else’s, too. Just ignore anything that mentions 311.
Kyle David Paul has returned! Did you know he published a book? He did! Our music zone has our own little Scott Keith! How adorable!
Jon Sevastra has piqued my interest in Bullet For My Valentine release. I like how he qualified the differences between the US and metal scenes, taste-wise. It’s one hell of a cavernous gap, that’s for sure.
Some guy died but Mathan was all over it. I’m sorry, I’m so hip-hop retarded. Of course, these guys would be saying the same thing if Jorgen Sandstrom dropped dead tomorrow while so many euro-metallers would be weeping in his grave. HA HA PUN I AM A NERD
I would link some other sections and people and such, but my goodness, there are so many to choose from and all the bright colors and blinking lights hurt me. In other words, I’m lazy. You should know the names around here… PATRONIZE ‘EM!
Outro
Live music. I’m buying more tickets than I should be. The first “real” show I’m seeing is Opeth on March 4th. I think I’ve been more than clear in this column and in reviews that I loves me some Opeth. But even better, they’re touring with Dark Tranquillity. Two bands who I have on DVD! The latter was a holiday present from my old partner in crime, Joshua Grutman (who is still alive and kickin’ and still my buddy, big pimpin’ spendin’ Gs). So anyway, needless to say, it’s all goodness. Devin Townsend is the opener, and to be honest, all I really ever found interesting about him is that he’s a dead ringer for my little brother. Seriously, check it out:
Devin Townsend.
…vs…
Me, with my brother Travis.
Goddamn, that’s so eerie.
Anyway, the second show for which the tickets are already purchased will be Dream Theater on March 17th. Yes, this will mark the 6th time I’ve seen them live (and second time I’ve seen them since writing for Inside Pulse). This will also mark the first time I’ve gone without my dear friend Tanya. We’ve braved Milwaukee three times in two different venues, Chicago once, and Madison to experience DT madness. I’m sure she’ll greatly miss getting hit on by stalkery DT fans who can’t take a hint.
Lacuna Coil will be here with Rob Zombie, but that one’s still up in the air. I should probably have a job nailed in stone before running off and making more concert plans. Gotta derail that one-track mind of mine and focus on gettin’ paid.
In the meantime, I’ve got a pile of discs here to review and a kitty who wants attention…
Trying to tell the difference ‘tween the goods and grime,
–gloomchen
