Hey all. I’m Tom Pandich and if you read my other column on Mondays, Gaming Zen, you know I’m sick as all hell tonight. That’s ok. Eric Skazooakoo sent me some of his pain meds so I’ll survive. You’d think a guy hopped up on that many goofballs would enjoy RVD matches but apparently not.
First a brief recap of No Way Out. Undertaker had a good match with Angle. Randy Orton stole Mysterio’s title shot from Rey’s cold, dead hands. The cruisers did… something. Tatanka got a full time job. Benoit won a title! JBL won a match!!!
Last week Cena beat Edge and that feud is officially DEAD. Big Show and HHH both lost their title shot opportunity but Vince changed that. Plus Benjy beat a retard and will take the IC championship off of Ric Flair this week (hopefully) unless they want to stretch that feud out through Wrestlemania. Oh and Shawn didn’t retire So on tonight’s Raw we’ve got:
– Triple Threat for the #1 Contendership between RVD, Big Show, and HHH
– Edge and Foley yelling at each other
– Shelton and Flair for the IC Championship
– Trish’s boyfriend goes to jail
– Cena cuts a promo where he gets booed
– Vince screws with Shawn (match against Kane?)
– The 2nd Hall of Fame Inductee (my guess is Ricky Steamboat)
Stay here all night for me telling you what happened on Raw from my own unfunny, annoying, snarky perspective!
We start out with a recap of Cena’s title defense from last week and the shenanigans with Foley and Edge. Fireworks and WE ARE (almost) LIVE FROM TRENTON NJ. If you’re not excited about Trenton, then what life are you living?
Candice Michelle comes out with a wand and it’s time for a Women’s Battle Royale!
Woman’s Battle Royale: The Wrestling Equivalent of Ice Dancing
Maria is looking super smoking right now. Victoria, Candice Michelle, Mickie James, Ashley, and Torrie Wilson are the competitors. Trish comes down to watch and has that whole lovely skank thing going on. Victoria uses a tilt-a-whirl side slam on Mickie James and all of the girls are laying down. Candice Michelle gets the first elimination on Torrie Wilson as she betrays her!
Victoria gets tossed by Maria and Ashlie. Maria then gets tossed by Mickie James (through the second rope). Ashlie gets caught in head scissors by Mickie James and Candice Michelle runs over and eliminates them both! Christ, we have our first piss break match for Wrestlemania.
Winner: Candice Michelle
Speaking of bitches, here comes Edge. Candice Michelle looks confused. Lita looks biker trashie tonight. Edge tells her to hit the breaks toose. Edge talks about how he had Cena beat (you know, after the belt shot when Cena kicked out cleanly at two) but Edge was screwed by Foley. He hopes Foley is at home watching on his couch so he can show you what happens to people who mess with the Rated R Superstar. To illustrate that, he’s going to take on Hacksaw Jim Duggan”¦ lord oh lord.
Lita calls Duggan goofy further elaborating on being Rated R. Here comes Duggan! We go to commercial! Well at least most of the match will be over by the time we get back.
Edge vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Proving the retard gimmick can work as long as you have a flag
We join the match in progress with Hacksaw hitting a number of stumbling lariats on Edge. We get a USA chant before Edge drops Duggan against the top rope. Edge dumps him and tries to start a USA chant himself. Edge follows Hacksaw outside, Hacksaw is up, Hacksaw misses thirty punches, and Edge dumps him on the steps. Hacksaw pops up and rams Edge into the ring post but Edge nails him with a drop kick. Edgecutioner gets two and Hacksaw is back up!
Edge heads to the top but eats a clothesline. Hacksaw mounts Edge in the corner and gets the ten punches. He hits Edge with a scoop slam for two. Hacksaw gets in the three point stance. Lita distracts him. Edge hits a shitty looking spear and it’s over.
Winner: Edge
Edge has a relatively unoffensive post match beat down with a 2×4 shot to Duggan’s crotch. Edge challenges Foley at Wrestlemania and will give him one week to accept. *yawn* Edge and Lita make out until they pimp the #1 Contendership Tournament.
Big Show cuts a promo where he talks about main eventing Wrestlemania, how he never took it for granted when he main event Wrestlemania 2000, and how if he chokeslams RVD and HHH tonight, he not only heads to Wrestlemania but he stops HHH from going there. Commercials. As a quick note, didn’t the people who made Ultraviolet get the memo that Aeon Flux flopped at the box office?
We’re back and Cena was in India. Shame they didn’t keep him there. Here comes Kane.
Kane vs the “Masterpiece” Chris Master: Do Gym Bunnies burn?
I black out for the back and force offense and we end up with Kane hitting his clothesline off the top rope. Kane misses the big boot and Masters gets out of the Masterlock. Kane escapes, tries for the chokeslam, Masters counters, and tries the Masterlock again. Kane reverse it and tries for the Masterlock on Masters. Masters gets out of it, runs into the ropes and eats the big boot. 1, 2, 3?!?
Winner: Kane
The hell? Masters locks on the Masterlock as Kane goes for his post match explosion thing and Kane gets dumped. Divas Do New York is in stores on DVD tomorrow. Commercials.
We’re back and I have to say. The Hills Have Eyes remake is on my shit list. Wrestlemania is only 41 days aways. Aww, isn’t that the cutest typo ever? RVD tells us that the triple threat match tonight is for the WWE Championship #1 Contendership. No shit RVD? He also says HHH has been there and nobody is going to forget Big Show. Apparently RVD doesn’t think very highly of himself.
We go to a recap of last week’s retirement ceremony for Shawn. Vince watched the promo himself and HERE COMES THE SPIRIT SQUAD. We’ve got a four on one tonight Shawn Michaels against the Spirit Squad. Sadly, Mitch is left out of this match. :-( poor Mitch.
IC Title match is NEXT!
IC Title match is NOW!
Ric Flair vs Shelton Benjamin: Been a while since we’ve had a belt change on Raw
The Hall of Fame ceremony ticket ceremonies is announced. Shelton’s in the back with his mama who is sick. She’s on oxygen tanks but is here to watch her Apple Dumpling kick some Ric Flair ass. Our thoughts and prayers at Inside Pulse go out to Shelton’s mama for her fake illness.
Shelton hooks a side headlock, hits a shoulder block, but gets tossed by the hip. Shelton gets Ric in the corner, gets some offense, but eats three big chops. Flair hits with a shoulder block and stops before getting tossed by Shelton. Flair struts, Shelton charges, Shelton gets the wood chopped out of him and Flair dumps him with another big chop. Crowd woos as we go to commercial.
We’re back and Shelton eats another chop, Ric hits a knee breaker, and Flair tries for Figure Four. Flair gets dumped, but Shelton misses the baseball slide and eats another big chop. Shelton pops up and hits a Samoan drop on the outside. He then hits some more offense and hits a vertical suplex on Flair back into the ring for two.
Shelton tosses Flair into the corner, gets a back drop on him for two. Shelton hits a roundhouse which gets a Flair flop and two. Flair gets up and hits some chops but gets destroyed by Shelton’s dragon whip roundhouse for two. Shelton comes off the top and hits a great hooking clothesline off the top for two (Ric gets his foot on the rope). Shelton springboards off the top rope but eats a chop from Flair a la HBK. Flair hooks the figure four but Shelton gets to the ropes. Mama stands up and seems to be having some heart problems”¦ oh no. The ref goes to check on Big Momma and EMTs come down to ring side. SHELTON GRABS MAMMA’S OXYGEN TANK AND NAILS FLAIR WITH TWICE. Exploder and we have a new Intercontinental Champion!
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Shelton’s mama has been saved by Shelton’s miraculous win. Mama dances after Shelton wins. Shelton wheels her up the ramp and a disappointed Ric Flair heads to the back.
We cut to the back and Shawn versus the Spirit Squad is next! We get a No Way Out recap before the break highlighting Batista’s return, Benoit’s big title win, Orton beating Mysterio and the great Angle/Undertaker match. Commercials for real now.
We’re back and its time for a Dancing with the Stars recap. Stacy does the hard sell for herself. Jerry Rice is still in this damn thing. HERE COMES THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!!!11111111111111111111111111
THEY DO A CHEER! HBK is going straight to hell apparently. They keep saying Shawn is going down, down, down, until the break out into random cheering.
Shawn Michaels vs the S-P-I-R-T GGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOO SQUAD
Ladies are freaking out for Mr. Geriatric himself. The Spirit Squad stretches out and “Kenny” hits a spirit hip toss and a spirit drop kick. Johnny tags in and hits a Spirit Wheel Kick on Shawn (after Mikey gets decked by Shawny)! Mickey gets tagged in. Shawn gets dumped and the Spirit Squad pulls out a trampoline. Kenny hits a springboard clothesline. Shawn takes over on Mikey and both are down. He tags in Mickey(?) who misses with a top rope leg drop. Mikey tags back in and Shawn clears house. Big top rope elbow on Mikey. Mitch gets decked. Superkick! One, two”¦ the entire Spirit Squad breaks up the count.
Winner by DQ Shawn Michaels
Post match beatdown on Shawn leads to Shawn being tossed high into the air and dropped. The beat down continues until MARTY JANNETY hits the ring to turn the tables. The Rockers clear house and a big Marty chant breaks out. Woo! Commercial break time.
Carlito vs Jobber: The Way to Do a Promo
We’re back and we get a Snickers Rewind of Carlito hitting an actual impressive wrestling move. Carlito comes into the ring and beats the hell out of Nick Burke while cutting a promo. He continues beating the hell out of him saying he has a big announcement to make. Carlito hits a backcracker and hits his inverted spinning neckbreaker for the 3 count. He says this year, he’s Money in the Bank.
Winner: Carlito
That’s how a heel should cut a promo. Nice change of pace. Time for another commercial break.
We’re back and during the break Matt Striker apparently did something for GQ. Honestly, what has this guy ever done? It’s time for the Hall of Fame announcement. The next inductee is”¦”¦*drum roll* “¦”¦. EDDIE GUERRERO! Nice promo for it starting with the two nights of Eddie tributes and then some classic Eddie stuff including his hilarious fake chair and belt shots and his No Way Out 2004 WWE Title win. Big Eddie chant finishes things up.
Here comes Vince to bring us back to Raw. Vince says he’s not upset with Marty Jannety. He thinks Marty should be rewarded. He’s going to present Marty with a full time contract next week. Vince heads to the back, but then turns around and comes out. He says that Marty will need to join a club to get this contract. It’s the return of the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass club.
Right before we go to commercial, HHH gets his little (thank god) promo about wanting to win tonight. Moderately effective promo but nothing we haven’t heard before. I think that the match is next.
Wrestlemania Big Time moment is Wrestlemania III and Hulk beating Andre. Next week is Candice Michelle vs Trish for the Women’s Title. Thank all that is good that that isn’t our Women’s Title match at Wrestlemania.
Big Show vs Rob Van Dam vs Triple H: Honestly, does this match even need to happen?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that tonight is the RVD’s night. It makes sense from a booking perspective because you have Big Show and RVD canceling each other out and RVD going on to fight”¦ oh. Never mind. HHH does his water spit and Big Show tosses him into the ring. RVD lies and waits as Big Show destroys HHH. Show gets two as RVD breaks the pinfall. The crowd is big time behind RVD. Big Show lays out RVD and Show comes out for HHH. They go into the stands and HHH gets dumped back out of the stands. RVD comes out of no where and drops a big leg over Big Show. He does the RVD thing with the crowd way behind him, nearly falls off the apron, jumps, gets caught by Big Show and dumped. It’s our final commercial break of the evening.
During the break Big Show continued to squish HHH and RVD. RVD gets tossed into the corner and HHH comes after him. RVD flips over HHH and hits a few roundhouse kicks. RVD gives him shots and then HHH gets some shots. Big Show catches HHH with a big meat paw for the chokeslam but RVD breaks it up. They continue working on Big Show and he tries for the chokeslam on RVD. HHH breaks it up. They get Big Show down to both knees, charge him, and DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! Big Show is down. All three men are down. RVD is up and hits some offense on Show. HHH is up and hits the rising knee. RVD hits the side kick off the top rope and the Big Show heads to the outside. It’s HHH/RVD now.
RVD takes over. Split legged moonsault for two. Rolling thunder. He then hits the five star frog splash but Big Show is back in the ring. RVD hits a series of roundhouse kicks and takes Big Show down. He goes up for the Five Star Frog Splash on Big Show but HHH pushes him down to the floor. The ref checks on RVD. Chair shot on Big Show. Pedigree on Big Show. One, Two, RVD breaks the count. HHH gets dumped. RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Big Show. HHH has the ref. The ref can’t make the count. The ref breaks free. 1, 2, NO!
HHH hits the ring. Pedigree on RVD. That’s all she wrote.
Winner and #1 Contender: HHH
HHH celebrates but THE CHAMP IS HERE. Cena hits the ring and a main event staredown takes us to the end of a Raw that started slow but picked up steam at the end.
Man oh man, they finally know how to book the Big Show. I sure hope he gets a Wrestlemania match as he has been bringing his A game week in and week out. Have a good night folks. See you next week.
