What a week! Ok, I’m kidding. Nothing really special happened. There was a PPV and all that cool stuff, but let me get to a piece of reader mail last week regarding my thoughts on Kanyon and his gayness:
“Also, who didn’t realize something was different about Kanyon.”
How dare you insult our intelligence! What were we supposed to get it from, in addition to your points? The fact that he called himself Chris ‘Champagne’ Kanyon? The fact that he had an obsession with DDP, or the fact that he helped a feather boa wearing rubbish movie star to win the WCW title, the most actively gay belt in the history of wrestling?
How dare you, sir.
Ashley
Immediately after reading this I was shocked. Not shocked at the content of the email, but rather that I apparently have a female reader. My response showed it:
It’s my job to insult you. That’s what I’m good at. To be honest, I’m kind of petrified that I have a female reader. Unless you’re a guy with the name Ashley, which points you to boy band status immediately.
See that was a classy response. Now for the return email:
You can find me performing in clubs and pubs around the country singing lead vocals for the latest teen sensation “Hot Shotz”.
Now I didn’t believe this so I replied as such:
You’re f*cking kidding right…I demand your gender…
I received no reply. However, I did look up information on a group called Hot Shotz, because I was f*cking bored. The only thing I could find was a group that recently changed their name to the Hot IQs with the lead singers name being Eli Mishkin. So yeah, if you know of this group or if you are reading this Ashley, I assume you to be a man until proven otherwise. I also assume you are as gay as Kanyon because you are a guy with a girls name. Ok…on with the show…
Shit I Promised Last Week
Last week at the end of my column I promised to touch on some things this week. I’m going to bang them out quickly because I really don’t want to deal with these things.
– Warrior Warrior posted a new entry on the Ultimate Ultimate Warrior Warrior site like 2 weeks ago. His opening statement is this:
Hello warriors. Warrior here. No, not ‘Warrior Warrior’ as some people are ridiculously remarking. Computer files and the such need two names… Ok, I have never…EVER had a computer file that I gave two names to. Never. Regardless, he finally gives a “review” of the Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD. I’ll put his text in here and respond in bold.
Since my last posts, around about the time of WWE’s DVD “Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” release, thousands of you have written and offered your support, your intelligent, incisive points-of-view, even your heart-tugging childhood memories of what Ultimate Warrior meant to you. In nearly every post I have ever written, I always begin with saying thanks to all of you who take the time to communicate to me. To me it’s just good manners. And, I really do appreciate that you spend the time and make the effort to just write and say hello among other things. I don’t have the time to respond to you all and, therein, as I’ve said many times before, lies a great deal of frustration for me, because all of you deserve to be personally thanked, but the clock running my life just does not allow it. This time especially though, I can’t emphasize the thanks enough. Your well thought out comments about the DVD’s blatant, derogatory intent and stories about Ultimate Warrior’s place in your lives cut right through the DVD’s sickening fabricated facade.
Listen, I know the DVD was slanted and a hatchet job. Big f*ckin’ deal. Warrior Warrior (and that is his name) should’ve done the Bret Hart thing (And I’ll get to him) and just gone along with it. He’d make money and all would be done. As for the thousands of emails he has received, I have a message for people that have written them:
Dear Mr. Scherer and Mr. Johnson,
I understand that you run a semi-professional wrestling website. I say semi because you really just run an op-ed website that you try to pass some news through. But seriously, writing emails to Warrior Warrior hoping against hope that the freak will write something derogatory about Vince McMahon so the two of you can go “SEE! SEE! BAD VINCE!” I’m sure that you could peddle this on your site as “EXCLUSIVE!” and get people…retarded people…to pay money for it. Just give it up. Oh, by the way, ECW…that’s right…ECW IS HAVING ANOTHER SHOW! I bet you’re already running for Paul E’s jock trying to lap it up to get some comps. Keep trying!
Upon the advice of my counsel, I sat and watched the DVD. Set aside the Ultimate Warrior spoofs, the directed and rehearsed, unsupportable-by-any-facts criticism, and the boundless, deranged envy — at its core the DVD is nothing but a defamatory, malicious assault on my personal character as a human being. I can take a joke just as well as anyone, even one on me –even a really, really sarcastic one. But this DVD is no joke. This is against the law. Despise me as much as you want, there are laws against these kinds of acts. The content of the DVD certainly doesn’t square with my actual personality profile (better witnessed over many, many years by MORE talent and personnel weirdly nowhere to be found on the DVD), with any genuine fan’s actual memory, the actual ‘in the ring’ or ‘behind the scenes’ events that took place during my career***, or the truly ‘constructive,’ long-term money-making factor or enduring popularity of the persona. More importantly, the verifiable ‘constructive’ quality of my life today DOES NOT square with a beyond-the-business, ‘on-going’ self-destructive life course that the DVD and its actors heavily insinuate. It’s obvious someone with power and money and a maniacal control-complex is pursuing a very bitter vendetta and trying to injure the positive, productive quality of my post-sports entertainment life by destroying my personal character; by, foremostly, showing a reckless disregard for the truth in a malicious attempt to rewrite history to suit vindictive needs. This IS slander, or libel — the attorneys can squabble over what term to use. In the ‘alternative-reality’ world of pro-wrestling, talent may have limited rights or no rights at all — oddly, even the marks and industry pundits know and accept the truth of this. In the real World, as a citizen of this country, I have rights and there are laws that protect those rights — oddly though, because I AM that citizen, none of the very same marks and industry pundits can step out of their pubescent fantasy worlds long enough to know and accept this noble, distinguished truth. A truth, mind you, that is ultimately much more important to every life than any rumor or “spoiler” (LOLOL) an industry informant can scrawl onto the internet from their palatial 100 sq. ft. bedroom that their parents foot the bill for. Even ‘pathetic’ falls short in describing this behavior.
Ok, first off, my bedroom is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM 100 square feet. No way. I may even get an attorney to go to court with Warrior Warrior over this slander of my bedroom character. Additionally, points that Warrior Warrior makes about internet marks not being able to rationalize that WWE assaulted his personal and professional character with the DVD are ludicrous. ALL of us knew that it was a hit not only on the character, but the man himself. The only problem is that they are one in the same. Jim Hellwig has become so f*cked up in the head that he believes he is the one who runs to the ring with tassels to the catchy guitar rift. WWE cut up on Warrior in the documentary. Plain and simple, when Jim Hellwig stepped into the locker-room, he was Warrior. Just as when Dwayne Johnson steps into it, he is The Rock. His argument is moot because they can argue, and win, in court based on that judgment.
The next part I am going to go point to point because he numbers them.
***(Fantasize as much as you wish, but lies are what they are and truths, well, are what they are, too. 1) The McMahons/WWF did not create and never officially owned the mark Ultimate Warrior
Horseshit. How do I know this? Because I am a master researcher. Go here and search for Ultimate Warrior and Warrior. You will see trademarks registered in the past and currently to WWE.
2) I did not change my name to Warrior just so I could wrestle,
Right…and I’m Shane McMahon
3) I was never terminated for holding Vince McMahon up for money, the Summerslam demand NEVER happened,
This I could toss up in the air and have any answer rain down on me. It’s Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan against Warrior Warrior. You decide who to believe
4) I was never legitimately terminated for a violation of a WWF drug policy,
The only thing that wasn’t legitimate was the reason he was terminated due to the failed drug test. Vince McMahon needed a scapegoat during his time with the government and Warrior Warrior and Davey won the prize.
5) My reason for NOT performing at some events in ’96 was NOT because my father died; neither did McMahon fire me — I did NOT perform because WWF/ McMahons violated the terms of our contract, I suspended my performance to give them an opportunity to right the errors, they refused and I consequently I sued them.
Again, a toss up until you mention the lawsuit. The lawsuit was a money grab by Warrior Warrior, thus putting a damper on his credibility when it comes to no-showing in ’96
All the lies perpetuated by the alternative-reality World of Pro-wrestling are urban legends that are embossed into retarded minds. It’s funny, the four year litigation I had with WWF is public record. But no one cares to know the truth. So much for journalistic integrity…LOLOL, that laugh was so good, no ab work today.)
I’m going to try to get my hands on that public record and then me and Warrior Warrior can go to school. As for the ab workout/LOLOL thing, I’m pretty sure that Warrior Warrior has been sleeping with Andrew “Test” Martin. Everyone knows full well that Warrior was the first openly gay wrestler. Look at the tassles…
This is not a battle I asked to be challenged by. But no one is more ready to fight it than I. No one. And I can think of no better arena to have it out in than the real World.
Listen to this and remember Warrior Warrior: CHRIS BENOIT IS ALWAYS MORE READY TO FIGHT THAN ANYONE…He will kill you.
In the last few months there has been a multi-angled promotional campaign for the DVD. Some of you have sent me promotional materials from different areas of the World. I thank you for this. But I need to make an official Warrior call-to-arms. I need to ask that all of you supporting me in spirit in this fight please send me any and all promotional materials that you can get or have. Any form of promotion that you can tape or record would be something I would like to have. Thank you.
That is Warrior Warrior’s way of saying “I’ma git you sucka” to Vince and Co. Lawsuits are coming of course. More money for Warrior Warrior. Additionally, before I even get the email: To Warrior Warrior’s little munchkin that harassed Sean Carless and others when they ripped him a new one: Don’t even bother threatening me. Give me a forum with the man and we can make shit happen. I won’t pull anything I say off of this site, so don’t even try.
Another last week promise: Goldberg wanting into TNA if they are willing to put up money and go against WWE. Listen, I’m all for TNA trying to grow, but giving this man ANY work will hurt them more than they can afford. Not only would he make their talent look small in stature, he would be the same injury prone crybaby he was before. Don’t do it.
I was going to celebrate Christian, but Lambert already did so and dedicated it to me. I am the Warrior Warrior to his Andrew “Test” Martin. However, I will put the following video up just because I find it funny.
I promised to talk about MTV, but I could honestly give a f*ck, so no.
Bret Hart will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame before Wrestlemania this year. He says that he won’t be involved in Wrestlemania itself, namely the Vince McMahon/HBK match. Then again, Bret said he’d never work with WWE again and he did. He also said he wouldn’t go into their Hall of Fame, and he is. So expect him to win the World Title by Summerslam. At least that’s what the armchair analysts are saying. However, I, Dan Hevia, master of all things litigation, give you this bon bon to chew on: WWE would have to pay Bret Hart at least 800,000 dollars to participate in a match. Then they would have to pay almost 300,000 dollars in legal fees after Lloyds of London rapes Hart to get their money back. Also, THE MAN HAD A FUCKING STROKE NOT TOO LONG AGO. Any questions?
So I went to a bar this past weekend. My girlfriend knows I would never cheat but women LOVE to talk to me. This is what I do to women who try to ask me out in front of my girlfriend…well…at least the end. But if you watch the whole video, it’s really like a night at a bar for me. I dance, I watch a video and then I make a bitch TAP!
WWE had No Way Out last night and it hasn’t finished downloading so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Undertaker sucks blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Wait his match was good? blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
This has been your WWE PPV blah blah blah with Dan Hevia.
Producer: Dan Hevia
Oh oh oh…Rey Mysterio lost his title shot because Eddie was on a bender with God.
Funnyness In The Forums
I found this hilarious: “For good or ill, Owen Hart had a tremendous impact..”
“With what, a turnbuckle?”
CLASSIC
HA!
World Wrestling Entertainment(R) Selects MarkMonitor to Fight Online Counterfeit Sales
Auction Monitoring System Detects and Shuts Down Unlicensed Auctions
SAN FRANCISCO, Feb 16, 2006 /PRNewswire via COMTEX News Network/ — MarkMonitor(R), the leader in online corporate identity protection, today announced that World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) has selected MarkMonitor’s Auction Monitoring(TM) solution to monitor the sale of WWE(R) branded goods on eBay and to automate requests to terminate counterfeit and other unauthorized auctions. MarkMonitor’s Auction Monitoring solution is the newest addition to its integrated suite of online Brand and Fraud Protection services that provide end-to-end detection and aggressive response to a growing list of corporate identity-based threats from misappropriation of trademark rights, to unauthorized online sales of gray market and counterfeit goods to phishing.
More than $34 billion worth of merchandise exchanges hands annually at online retail auction sites; and while online retail and wholesale auctions have become major vehicles for the sale and distribution of legitimate products globally, they’ve also become a distribution channel for gray market sales and counterfeiters. A two year customer of MarkMonitor’s Brand Protection(TM), World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), creator of the popular television and pay-per-view shows such as Monday Night RAW(R), Friday Night SmackDown(R), and WrestleMania(R), turned to MarkMonitor to address the increasing role of online auctions as a source of counterfeit DVDs/Videos and lost revenue.
“The trademark offenses are flagrant. I frequently identify counterfeiters on eBay selling illegal copies of our programming, Home Video releases, and counterfeit clothing,” said WWE associate counsel of intellectual property, Stacy Papachristos. “I used to spend several hours each day searching eBay manually for offenses. With MarkMonitor’s new auction monitoring capability, I’ll receive a daily automated snapshot of suspicious auctions and suspect resellers. Using one integrated workflow system, I can determine whether to send a cease and desist letter, to report the offense to eBay or, in the most egregious cases, request a suspension of the seller, and determine the necessity of further legal action.”
MarkMonitor’s Auction Monitoring gives corporations control of their brands and how their products — legitimate as well as counterfeit — are sold on online auction sites through a comprehensive corporate identity management solution that may also include domain management and fraud and brand protection. The service scans auction sites, identifies and prioritizes the abuses that are most costly or of greatest concern, and enables automated responses which allow for swift, meaningful action on violations.
“Online markets are growing rapidly, and unfortunately they are ideal for gray marketers and counterfeiters. It is no longer possible for companies to manually monitor fraudulent sales and brand abuse, much less take action and track results. MarkMonitor’s Auction Monitoring and other Brand Protection systems automatically find, prioritize and present the most serious problems, and then automate and track shutdown, cease and desist letters and other actions in a central case management system,” said Mark Shull, CEO of MarkMonitor.
If any of you need to sell used DVDs and get hassled, email me and I’ll put up your info in this column so you can make the money you wasted back.
WWE.com has taken the link to Byte This down off of its main page. As we reported earlier this week, due to the events of the February 8th show with The Heartthrobs, the word we received was that company had made the decision to cancel it, at least in the form it was in before. It appears that they have pulled the trigger.
If anyone has seen this phantom show that has no report up, please email me because I want to know what the hell happened.
With that, I bid you farewell for now, unlike Andy Campbell, who just gave up. We wish him the best in future endeavors, Andy’s the man. Until next week, adios!
