Happy Birthday to Abraham Lincoln!
Happy Birthday to George Washington!
Happy Birthday to Joel Hodgkins!
(Look it up)
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
And with a video package that for some reason reminds me of a strange sort of training video.. the music just seemed old’ish. Either way Cena’s champ. Where’s Maria?
Raw is in my home state… and … shit, why aren’t I there?
Shelton versus Ric for the IC-Title
Triple Threat – HHH vs. RVD vs. Big Show
Now though, here comes Candice Michelle for a #1 Contender, Women’s Battle Royal? Candice looking nice in a lil gold number. Torrie looking boring.
“Holy crap, she has her own theme song?” – Jen
In a cute skirt number is Ashley… And now in a cutey green number it’s Maria.. in shiny… it’s Victoria.
“Aww, she didn’t dance” – Bill
“Youwant her to dance?” – Hernandez
“I come for the dance, stay for the wrestling” – Bill
And finally Mickey James in a black thingy… Trish comes down to watch… and really nobody’s looking … lechy enough.
DING!
DIVA’S BATTLE ROYAL
Curtain Jerking…. well, SOME kind of jerking
Victoria starts up hitting a sideslam on some Diva… almost tosses out Ashley, and Maria saves the day. Mickey James then leaps on Maria and it’s fist to fist, and Maria rolls on top of her, and Candice stops THAT with a leap.
Torrie is almost out, but Candice comes in and saves her….. then pushes her out! Ooooo snap! Victoria pushes Candice down for that, and now Maria and Ashley team up on Victoria – and Mickey James goes to take down Ashley.
Ashley gets away from Mickey to help Maria throw out Victoria – who looks like she is going to skin the cat… but they both boot her down. Then Maria charges over and bronco busts Candice.
“CM Punk wants to know why that doesn’t happen…” – Hernandez
“Somewhere, CM Punk just ejaculated…” – Me
So Mickey James goes nuts now as we’re down to three… and she hurricanranas Ashley, but Candice runs over and hits the both. AHHH! The Playboy Rub… now I see.
WINNER: CANDICE MICHELLE
So unless someone shows her up, with her blue corset.. we give the lech award to Candice. Sure. Why not.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME??? Lita? Hmmm….
So here comes Edge and Lita walking RIGHT past Trish and to the ring. Candice packed up to the ring, and Lita takes the mic from Candice and hands it to Edge who announces that =HE= should be champion
“…of the woman’s division?” – Hernandez AND Bill
“He should be champ of the midget division” – Hernandez
“It will be him and Kloakus..” – Jenna
“How does he keep coming up in conversations?!?!” – Hernandez
“He had one match…. one awesome match…” – Bill
So Edge wants to show Mick Foley of why he’s called the Rated R – Superstar.
“So he spears Lita?” – Hernandez
So Edge and Lita have challenged Hacksaw Jim Duggan to a match?
“You are going to find out what happens when you make fun of my man” – Lita
“So… Lita is wrestling Hacksaw?” –
Umm.. ok, sure. They hit his theme music… HOOOOO!
“Lion-O?” – Bill
“Sword of Omens don’t fail me..” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL
HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN vs. EDGE
Tough guy!
Hacksaw throws Edge out of the ring… and Edge snaps him off the ropes. Comes in and now a stomp down. Throws him out and then a double axe him to the outside.
Punches out on the outside. Throws him to the corner..
“I repeat.. Eugene 1.0.”
Back in the ring, Edge has him on the mat – he climbs up to the second rope and Edge gets caught with a clothesline as Hacksaw gets to his feet. They fight to the corner. Duggan tosses him to the ropes, picks him up slams him down – Lita distracts Duggan for Edge to set up the spear.
“Coming to Titan Home Video – Hacksaw Jim Duggan, what were we thinking?” – Hernandez
“Hacksaw – A real american…. whatever” – Me
So they grab the 2×4…
“DON’T GIVE HIM THE STICK!” – Bill
“HOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – Me
WINNER: EDGE
So Edge wants Foley at Wrestlemania. He and Lita have their moment.
“I want to see those two stop doing that…” – Roommate Randy
“Kissing?” – Me
“Yeah..”
Big Show in the back discussing the thing to remember abour wrestling.
“Don’t trip on your way to the ring” – Hernandez
“Thanks Shockmaster!” – Me
Show discusses what it takes to being to the main event at Wrestlemania.
“How, you’ve never been there?” – Me
“Stephanie.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
POssible Sign Of The Night: “Monster Rain!”
John Cena was in Bombay?
“How are doing! I ate all your food” – Roommate Randy
“I’ll have ahh…. a pack of cigarettes… a gallon of milk.
Now here comes Kane.
“Making the tag team belts ineffective..” – Hernandez
And now..
“What this show needed…” – Bill
“What?” – Randy
“A fur burger?” – Hernandez
“Huh?” – Me
“A pussy..” – Hernandez
“POWDERED TOOOASSSSST MAAAAAAAAN” – Bill
KANE vs. CHRIS MASTERS
Why?
“How many times will Kane sit-up during this match?” – Bill
“How many times will he scowl” – Randy
“He has an omni-constant scowl” – Me
So they start with the punch to punch and fight to the outside. Kane grabs him around the turnbuckle, but Masters pulls him through to hit him face to corner pole. Masters throws him in, chokes him against some ropes. Masters brings him to the top turnbuckle, but Kane elbows him out of it…
Kane goes after him. A horrible set-up for the Masterlock… but Kane fights out of it. Kane hits the ropes, and HITS IT AGAIN… Kane won’t let it get set-up, then spins it around into HIS OWN Full Nelson. Tosses Masters to the ropes… BIG BOOT
PIN! AND THAT’S IT?!?!
“Wait.. Masters lost from a big boot?” – Me
“From Kane.” – Hernandez
“BUT IT WAS A BOOT!” – Me
“But it was from Kane!” – Hernandez
So Kane goes for the pyro…. annnndddd… MASTERLOCK!
“That was a better set-up than any of the other Masterlock sets…eesh.” – Bill
“HE MADE FUN OF MY LISSSHHHP!” – Hernandez
So coming up next is Ric versus Shelton
“Ric is going to please Shelton’s Mama…” – Me
“I don’t think Ric can please Shelton’s Mama…” – Randy
“Space Mountain is the oldest coaster…” – Bill
“…but it has a weight allotment.” – Me
“…And you can’t have a heart condition to ride it.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
So Here’s the background talk with Rob Van Dam.
“He looks glassy-eyed… wonder why?” – Me
“He’s sitting there… and he’s already got swampass…” – Me
“They are going to have to replace that chair..” – Randy
Now a replay of the mandatory retirement cerimony.
“Which proved to not be mandatory.. at all.” – Me
“It had mandatory attendence.” – Bill
“So does Homeroom… and I hated that too.” – Me
So Vince is in the back… upset, and he turns around.. and who is here?
THE SPIRIT SQUAD!
Vince claims that Shawn disrespected the entire Spirit Squad.
“This is problematic.. Shawn would NEVER disrespect the Spirit Squad” – Randy
So Vince makes it… Spirit Squad versus Shawn Michaels. NO NO NO.. that’s not fair… FOUR of the Spirit Squad versus ONE Shawn Michaels. Nice.
“OH YES! THE SPIRIT SQUAD!” – Dani entering after a 13 hour day
COMMERCIAL
WOOOO!
“Uch..” – Randy
“No… WOO!” – Bill
“…woo…” – Randy
“No… WOO!” – Bill
And Shelton with his Mama….
RIC vs. SHELTON
IC Title on the line
Ric teases the lock-up… Woo. Lock up and side-headlock from Shelton – a cross rope exchange and a hiptoss from Flair. Shelton tosses Ric to the corner, and Shelton keeps trying to run in but gets chopped on down. Now Ric with the sideheadlock. Shelton tosses, but gets sholdered down. Another crossrope extent. Shelton sets up for the hiptoss, but Ric holds the ropes.
Ric charges in and a backbodydrop from Flair, and Shelton goes on out.
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring. Shelton punches him down. Ric punches out to the middle and gets the kneedrop. Shelton kicks Ric to the outside.
“COMMERCIAL!” – Me
Shelton charges out to get him. Hits a samoan drop on the outside…. OUCH!
“That’s a 70 year old man” – Randy
Shelton rolls back in… and Shelton suplexes him up… nice hold on the vertical suplex and drops him down. Another backbody from Shelton. Big kick from Shelty, and a Flair Flop. The crowd, shockingly quiet on this solid match…
Shelt tosses Ric to the corner, but Ric stops it. Shelton kicks, caught, spinning heel kick… Shelton goes to the corner, Ric charges but gets elbowed. Shelton to the top turnbuckle and a clothesline HALF WAY across the ring. Shelton wraps up Flair’s leg and a HORRIBLE kickout from Flair… Shelton leaps to the top rope and gets CHOPPED.
“Doesn’t have the same ring as a superkick…” – Me
So Shelton’s Mama seems hurt. Umm…. ok… AHHHhhh the ref is calling down for EMTs… Shelton runs on with the oxygen tank. WHACK.. KWANG.. EL KABONG! T-BONED.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
Kind of a lame way to give Shelty the title. He pulls the wheelchai up to the top of the ramp.
“Why is he pulling it up?” – Hernandez
“He can’t push her up…” – Me
“How mean, he just wrestled a match!” – Dani
So Shawn is coming down to face the Spirit Squad… ha.
COMMERCIAL
OH IT’S TIME! IT’S TIME FOR THE S.S.
That’ll get a letter.
They all backflip into the ring… and give a Woah Bundy. A little cheer later.. and heah comes tha heartbreakah!
SHAWN VS. THE SPIRIT SQUAD!
Shawn in the ring with SS1. Exchange down the ropes, and a hiptoss and a big dropkick from SS1… and Shawn is already in the corner while SS1 does some taunting and tags in.. err.. SS2.
SS2 now locks up, hammer lock from Shawn. SS2 tosses him to the ropes, and a HUGE SPINNING WHEEL KICK from SS2 (aka Johnny). SS2 tosses in to the corner and tags in.. err.. SS3. Snapmare to Shawn, with a chinlock. Shawn fights to his feet… hits the ropes and SS1 pulls the rope down sending Shawn to the outside…
“THEY ARE BRINGING OUT A TRAM-POP-OLINE!” – Me
SS1 on the outside… hits the trampopoline and a clothesline across the outside…. then uses the trampopoline to get to the corner again. That was neat!!
Shawn now goes nuts on everybody on the SS…. Nazis flying everywhere…. HA!
Shawn on the top, and the big elbow. J E S U S C H R—KWANG! He goes for the pin, and every member of the Spirit Squad runs in…
WINNER: SHAWN via DQ
We agree, that was actually a neat match. Someone comes in…. IT’S JANNETY!
“It’s the Brooklyn Brawler!” – Randy
“NO IT’S NOT!”
“MARTY’S OUT OF JAIL!” – Hernandez
In the back, Vince is there..
“..ahh..another man I have to kill…” – Me
In the ring they are hugging.
“They are bringing the band back together.” – Me
“Hey, it is a mission from God..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
CARLITO vs. JOBBER #245.32
Why is this cool?
So in comes Carlito with some dude. Carlito discusses how last year he beat down and embarrassed Piper AND Stone Cold.
So he continues to discuss the idea that he has. He starts to tell us his idea time and it is… Oh wait! Neckbreaker! His idea is… hold on… Backbreaker! No wiat it’s… drops him down.
WINNER: CARLITO
His idea – Money In The Bank. Neat!
COMMERCIAL
Matt Stryker was on during the commercial. Sure he was.
And Eddie Guerrero is being inducted into the Hall of Fame.
“VIVA LA RAZA”
Now though it’s time to get back to pro-wrestling… and here comes Vince.
He addresses Marty coming down, and next week he is going to give Marty a fulltime WWE Contract! Because Marty needs it. One stipulation though…
“He has to post bail first.” – Me
He will have to do one thing first… he’ll have to join a club…
“Oh no..” – Me
A prestigious club…
“I liked this bit.” – Hernandez
“You would..” – Me
….Vince’s Kiss My Ass Club.
Now Triple H in the back – he discusses having to look in the eye of champion.. but they are going to have to look in the eyes of the match. And Bill finds it to be genius to end each Triple H sentence with an Ultimate Warrior-ish “Hulk. Ho. Gan.”
“Snort Snarl” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Big Time Moment: Hulk slamming Andre
“Anybody want a peanut…” – Me
It’s time for the Main Event…
HERE COMES THE BIG SHOWWWWW…
And It’s The Whole Dam Show!
…IT’S TIME TO WIN A MATCH…
“His nipples are so hard..” – Laura
“It’s the one thing you’ve added to this entire show..” – Me
“Look his chest looks like a smile face.. it’s true!” – Laura
BIG SHOW vs. RVD vs. TRIPLE H
And as Trips is spitting – Big Show is standing there.. great camera work there.
“Big Show is right behind me.. isn’t he…” – Me
Big Show tosses him into the ring. Tosses to the ropes and a full press slam. Goes for the pin and RVD slides in for a dropkick to stop the count. Show stops him with a choke – throwing him to the corner. Trips charges in and gets hit with a Flair Flop.
“Nonono.. Flair now does Trips Flops” – Bill
Headbutt to RVD… Side slam from Show to RVD and he’s down for now. Show goes outside to find Trips. Big chops sends Trips into the front row.. right on some guy’s lap. RVD runs up to the apron and a kick to the back of Show’s head. RVD leaps back to the apron of the ring and leaps — SHOW CATCHES HIM!
Slams RVD to outside the ring… and Trips out.. RVD is out… Show stands alone.
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring now.. Show is still on top.. so to speak. He tosses RVD to the corner. Tosses Trips to the corner, but RVD backflips over him. Then rolls under a clothesline, and a spinning heel kick to Show. Now Trips is out and both are punching Show.. back and forth. Trips hits the ropes – Caught!
Now RVD kicks him to the gut. RVD hits the ropes.. CAUGHT – TRIPS hits him in the gut… and Show is to a knee… RVD kicks the other knee out. Both hit the ropes… BOTH CAUGHT! Both Slammed Down!
“Come on Joey.. say it…” – Hernandez
All three men are now down. Nice spot.
Show climbs to his feet. Powerslam to Triple H, and goes for the pin – RVD makes the save… then gets thrown out of the ring. Show slams down Trips again. RVD tries to climb up and chokes Big on the top rope. Triple H hits the big knee… RVD off the top rope with the big kick sends Show out..
“HE’S OUT!” – Me
RVD now with the big assault all over to RVD. The split leg drop. The spinning heel. The Rolling Thunder. RVD is everywhere. He hits the top turnbuckle….. HE HITS THE FROG SPLASH! And Show comes in right at that moment… and a combo of heelkicks sends Show down. RVD hits the top turnbuckle – and Trips hits him…
Trips runs out grabs a chair — KWANG!
“Where’s the ref?” – Me
“Good quesiton…” – Hernandez
Oh, they are outside checking on RVD… weak. Pedigree and a pin — RVD STOPS IT!
RVD hits a spinning Five Star Splash! He gets the pin.. and the ref is being distracted by Trips… finally he starts the count and gets two. In rolls Trips – And That Is That – Pedigree – The End. Lame.
“Triple Lame” – Randy
And back from Bombay – The Champ Is Here
If only so they can meet in the middle and go nose to nose for your photo-op.
Laaaaaaaaaaame….
So. Trips versus Cena. Orton versus Angle. Not a surprise amongst…
What did the Rabble think?
“Wrestling was on?” – Dani
“Sucked. End was bogus.” – Jenna
“I’m happy – Jannety’s getting a full time contract for.. time served” – Hernandez
“Last match was lame. RVD on Show is not very good.. Triple H ruined the rest” – Bill
“I’m cold – Apparently, Triple H is too.” – Laura
“And I think the Rabble said it well enough… Wrestlemania is gonna be cookiecutter.” – Me
See you next week kids.
