Brain Spill: The Biggest Loser

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Dora Malone is a loser. There, I said it.

For the second consecutive season, my pre-season pick to win it all has gone ridiculously early in the season. As I’m sure you all remember, last year I picked Brooke Struck as most likely to win. As I’m sure you all DON’T remember, Brooke Struck in fact was a contestant on Survivor Guatemala, and she was the fourth person booted. And to make matters worse, the person I picked as #2, Morgan McDevitt, did not place second, but was instead voted off second.

This year I continued (nay, bettered) my streak and picked someone at #1 who went BEFORE the fourth episode, in Misty Giles. She was my clear-cut choice for top dog, and instead, left way too prematurely. And if that isn’t stellar enough, my #3 choice preseason of Tina Scheer, was voted off first.

As you can see, my trend of picking people is becoming better. I am dooming these contestants. And with greater efficiency. Next year I’m going to pick people to win who weren’t even cast for the show. Then after that, I’ll pick someone who died in 2002.

So, what seems to be the problem here? Am I at fault, or is there something else going on, for which I did not receive the memo?

People, what we have here is a classic case of Survivor beauty. I make my picks based on what I feel are characteristics of good Survivor contestants. I look at the whole big picture, evaluate it, etc, and then rank people. The fact that I can be so far off is a testament to the fact that Survivor is always changing. Different pathways can be taken to get to Survivor success. After eleven complete seasons, we’ve seen eleven different people use eleven different strategies to win.

Think about that for a moment. All these seasons and no one still has any clue what makes a good Survivor player. Anyone who bitches about Survivor being boring because nothing original happens obviously has no clue what they’re talking about. Survivor continues to remain fresh, and keeps us in the audience going “huh?” while scratching our heads.

That, my friends, is the reason for millions of people being addicted to Survivor.

In other news, I now officially have no clue what’s happening on the show. Watching Misty this week, I was applauding her every effort to backrub the guys and use sex as a way to sell herself (insert prostitute joke here). She was doing beautifully, such that I was regretting not putting her at #1 last week, and anticipating her return to #1 this week.

And then something happened. What, I’m not sure. And that’s why I’m so confused.

I do want to say a few quick things about the Immunity Challenge however. Maybe it’s just me, but I loved every moment of that challenge, except for the fact that La Mina lost. Girls on girls, guys on guys. Tell me who could have possibly been NOT aroused by such a site? Good luck coming up with an answer for that, because that whole thing was just a pure treat for the eyes. If only they had done it in KY jelly a la Old School. But nonetheless, it was a good knock-down drag-out fight. Sometime they should just have the immunity idol in the middle of a field, and tell the teams first one to get it back to their mats wins, and they can use whatever they want to acquire it. I sense that after that challenge, people would have to go back looking for their ears or fingers or something.

And with that, it’s abruptly time for the rundown. Sense I have no clue what’s going on, these are very shaky. I have little confidence in the quality of my rundown this week.

Loser’s Lounge:
16- Tina Scheer
15- Melinda Hyder
*Loser’s Lounge Update!* After her tribe gave her the axe (pun intended), Tina vowed to do whatever she could to get back at them. Instead of being spiteful when Melinda showed up, Tina just grinned and said “Told ya so!” Chacteristic of Melinda, she said nothing to better the situation.

14- Misty Giles (3). What to say about Misty? She was downright gorgeous, and sexy, and this cat was smart. She even did her best to make the males in her tribe get wrapped around her finger. Where did she go wrong? I don’t know, nor can I even speculate. So I’m just going to leave it at that. However, if Exile Island does result in an Outcast-esque twist (as I said two weeks ago), you know who my money’s on.
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13- Shane Powers (13). Dear god, his own alliance wants him gone. What’s up with the explosions? Is it me or were they totally unmerited? I’m thinking the latter. I give him points for sticking with Courtney and Co. despite the fact he doesn’t want to. That does show loyalty. However, being that blind to the fact that his allies could go against him, means that he’s thinking he’s sitting pretty, when there’s a huge coup around him. He needs to go soon. He’s way too much of a loose cannon.

12- Cirie Fields (14). She did very well in the immunity challenge. Unfortunately, it was because her size could not be overcome. It worked well this time, but will hinder her in the future. Also, she did slightly improve because Shane’s ranking is dropping. Cirie may be around a little while longer because of this, but she is still in danger.

11- Ruth Marie Milliman (5).
10- Sally Schumann (6).
It appears one of these ladies is on her way out. The guys at La Mina decided to band together, and it looks like a lady’s next to go. This doesn’t mean a woman can’t play a big part in the tribe, or make it far (it’s still very far from the end). But I can’t give either woman a high spot because they are in big danger as of right now. I gave the edge to Sally because I doubt that Nick and Austin are not going to get rid of their hottest remaining tribe member. Also, Sally’s younger. As I said, there’s still plenty of game left to play, but now is a lull for each of these women.

9- Courtney Marit (9). She handled herself well against Shane. However, if a tribemate wants you gone so much, that can’t be too good. Luckily she’s saved by Shane’s promise to stick together. Also, for future reference Courtney, use a shirt or some article of clothing to remove the hot pan from the fire. You do it like potholders, set it down quick, and nothing – shirt or hands – gets burned.

8- Terry Deitz (10). He’s in power as of now. But boy did those girls really want to get rid of him. If La Mina goes on a winning streak, such they’re close to merge time, I think they’ll try to get rid of Terry. Now, he’s valuable to the tribe, but give it a couple weeks and they’ll want to get rid of him. That dictator thing I warned you about is close to rearing its head.

7- Aras Baskauskas (11). Aras did fine this week. He let Courtney and Shane have their tiff, and so it was. He did not interfere or anything. Also, that little leg tickle thing was huge for his tribe winning. I now have neutral feelings for him, and am giving him a neutral ranking. Good job Mr. No-clue-how-to-pronounce-your-name!

6- Bobby Mason (12). Player of the week honors, folks! After two weeks of whodat Bobby feelings, Bobby starts off the show. And more importantly, he was the narrator! That means he knows what’s going on. Also, the reason Casaya won was because of him and his strength. Watch out for him in upcoming weeks, as he’s very valuable to his tribe in challenges.

5- Nick Stanbury (8).
4- Austin Carty (4)
In power in La Mina. They had the choice of siding with the men or the girls. They chose the men. Will it work out for them? I’m not sure, as very rarely in Survivor history does something so “solid” ever remain as such. For now, I like their chances, especially because if Sally and/or Ruth Marie try to coup against the men, they’ll probably still target Terry.

3- Bruce Kanegai (9). Bruce was an all star this week. He came back and breathed life into a dead tribe. While he may have slightly mishandled his power when he came back, everyone was grateful of his presence. He took his first trip to Exile Island like a champ, and did not seem overly pissed about going back. As a side note, I think La Mina made a great choice sending him back. If the tribe says what a relief it was to have him back, you send Bruce back. He obviously can handle Exile Island, so you don’t piss off an additional person. About Bruce however, I’m concerned he still hasn’t found the idol. He had three days last week, and one day this past week to look for it, and still nothing? Next week they’ll probably circle some area of the map, and say “it’s here.” Goging back to Casaya, with Bruce around, the alliance may crumble soon such they can become a cohesive tribe. I have some faith in him.

2- Dan Berry (2). As I said last week, he’s comfortably in an alliance with Terry, and apparently now with Austin and Nick as well. He’s very well off. He held his own during the challenge involving brute strength, which bodes well for him considering his age. He’s sitting pretty within his own tribe, and IF something happens in the form of getting rid of the guys at La Mina, Dan’s hiding nicely behind Terry. Think Scout letting Twila doing all the dirty work.

1- Danielle DiLorenzo (1). Of the top eight players, seven are male. But there is a ray of sunlight here, and her name is Danielle. And she’s on the top of the list. Danielle did nothing that would merit dropping her this past week. As I said last week, she’s appearing to be the brains of this bunch. I think she really controls what’s going on in Casaya, and does so without taking control. She’s athletic, sexy, but not too much of either. Looks good to me.

And with that, I’m done. Sorry for the brevity of this column. Perhaps this week, I’ll figure out what’s going on with the show. If you are abreast of something that I am not, please feel free to share. You know how to reach me.

Until next time, when we discuss the benefits of aluminum foil, stay cool.

~Dora.