Speed Addicts: Daytona U.S.A.
By Steve Price, the Host with the Most
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
Exclusive to Inside Pulse Sports
Ah, the joys of Paint. I am Steve Price, the “Redneck Messiah” of these here web pages called Inside Pulse, and I’ll be your tour guide as we return that mystical world where things go bump at 200 MPH, Beta never died, and Eric Szulczewski writes nice things about Georgie Porgie. More entertaining than a redneck rapper at Darlington for a weekend of grease, beer and forty year old topless biker chicks, this bad boy here is what we like to call a “nostalgia trip”. Case in point, there’s no way in Hell I’m watching the suck-fest that’s going down in Fontana on Sunday.
…
Yeah, okay, I’m watching on Sunday, so sue me. Even I can handle some good old fashioned crap every once in awhile. Provided that it is in small doses, with enough alcohol to make Jake Roberts say, “Damn, that’s a lot of alcohol.” I’m talking levels that even Quagmire wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. But I digress…
Hearts and kisses go out to Lindsey Jacobellis, who hot dogged her way to the silver medal (after showboating one too many times and losing out on the Gold). At least she is “somewhat” nice to look at, otherwise Bode would have some company in the trash section. More love goes out to the Canadian Hockey Team, who pissed off half the population on the Planet Earth for attempting to ruin their gold medal picks. Seriously, who the f*ck loses to Switzerland? Speaking of miracles, holy humping hamburgers, Batman! The U.S. Hockey Team is IN the Quarterfinals! Thanks in part to motherf*cking Kazakhstan and their win over Latvia, the U.S. is automatically guaranteed the fourth seed in the Quarterfinal round. Score one for the red, white, and blue! Their opponent in the quarters on Wednesday, you ask? Finland.
Congratulations to the United States for a fine effort in Men’s Hockey. And with that, let’s get back to the asphalt for some Redneck Kool-Aid, courtesy of Yoo-hoo, the tasty chocolate beverage that plays Jules Winnfield to Ovaltine’s Brett. What?
Victory Lap for the Pimps
It’s not a big secret to anyone (especially people in the “Super Secret Writers Forum”) that I have a unique Saturday Night’s Main Event… eh, obsession. Thankfully, Scott reminds me of the crap that it used to air for us to watch. SmarK Retro Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #13.
Eric Szulczewski, meanwhile, recaps both Raw and No Way Out, thus proving that he has a larger capacity for boring television than I do. I don’t know what’s worse; the fact that I remember when those columns came out back in 2001, or that I’ve been watching wrestling since 2001. Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc.
Oh. My. God. Slayer. Hath. Returneth. Score!
Patrick continues his crusade against people named from a female anatomy course. Allow myself to introduce… uh, myself.
Aaron Cameron sleeps with your girlfriends… Mini-me… stop humping the laser…
While Gloomchen owns your ass… Yeah, baby!
And the IPSR guys (whoever those sexy beasts are) talk about whatever the Hell comes up. Damn, they are good…Oh yes, they are that good.
There is one race that tends to stand out from all the others. In NASCAR, at least, the season can usually be summed up by two things: the Chase for the Nextel Cup, and the Daytona 500. We’re dealing with the latter… or at the very least, its residual after effects. The Daytona 500 may be in the books, but that wont stop us from beating that dead horse into the ground. This year’s 500 marked the fifth anniversary of the last-lap crash that killed Dale Earnhardt, though his memory sparked more controversy than it did remembrance, unfortunately. Most of the talk was centered on the inherent dangers that Daytona (and by default Talladega) presented to the drivers who raced there. Issues like bump drafting and aggressive driving came under scrutiny all week long, as the media went after the “fear for your life” mantra that Stewart gave after the Bud Shootout like a shark with blood in the water.
To be honest, last week was something of an oddity. No, that’s understating it a bit. Last week was just plain weird; there’s no two ways about it. Things started off auspiciously enough when Denny Hamlin introduced himself to the field on Sunday afternoon by winning the Budweiser Shootout. Really, though, things kind of fell apart thanks to one man: Kyle Busch. It was Kyle Busch driving like a drunk Tommy Vercetti in GTA: Vice City that provoked Stewart’s comments. If you didn’t hear them, or hear of them, Stewart basically said that within five years another driver would be killed at Daytona. He almost went so far as to say someone would die in the race on Sunday (02.19.06). That’s always a fun feeling, no? At the time, there was another mini-angle being played out during the Shootout, and it involved Carl Edwards of all people. After a shitty penalty levied by NASCAR on Edwards, Carl actually refused to serve the penalty for several laps. He finally did come in, but boy was that a fun exchange on television. Something similar occurred during the 500 as well, when Matt Kenseth didn’t serve his penalty right away. The result: Kenseth was black flagged and put one lap down (despite not actually losing that lap). NASCAR did not come out of Daytona looking particularly good.
This is about the time when our focus shifted to the qualifying races. Jeff Burton, bless the skies, actually won a pole for the first time in an epoch, while Jeff “I’m just a Dancing Fool” Gordon qualified second. Jimmie Johnson qualified fourth… and then things got interesting, as Johnson’s car was found to be illegal. A rear windshield prototype did not conform to NASCAR’s specifications, and thus Johnson’s time was disallowed. In short, Chad Knaus and Jimmie Johnson cheated, and they got caught. Knaus was immediately kicked out of the race, the track, the city, and perhaps even Volusia County. Johnson was forced to race for his spot in the starting grid, though he was guaranteed to be in the race from the start. What’s interesting is that Chad Knaus may have his one-race suspension increased up to four more races, which would make for some fun times in the Hendrick camp.
For the record, Jeff Gordon and Elliott Sadler won the two qualifier races on Thursday, which set the field for Sunday’s race. Forty three cars, forty three drivers, and forty three dreams made their way to Daytona on a cloudy (and foggy) Sunday afternoon in February. Multiple storylines were played out before the race, including (but not limited to):
– The aggressiveness of drivers in the race.
– The “Big One”: would we see it, and would someone get hurt?
– Jimmie Johnson’s performance after getting caught cheating.
– Crowd favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr. and his pursuit of a second Daytona 500 win.
– The return of Jeff Gordon to prominence.
– The “youth movement” underway in NASCAR, led by Carl Edwards, Kasey Kahne, and Denny Hamlin.
– The arrival of Kurt Busch to Penske, giving them their best chance to win the Daytona 500 in years.
– The last go round for Mark Martin in the “Great American Race”.
– Team changing a go-go, with Waltrip, McMurray, and Labonte highlighting the team switches during the off season.
Thus, we put the atmosphere of the biggest auto race in North America, mix in said ingredients, sprinkle some fog in the mix, and you have the 2006 Daytona 500, the last to air on NBC. So, after all that, the question may now be asked: how was the race?
How was the race?
To say it was the greatest Daytona 500 of all time is overblown hyperbole at its finest. Is it better than last year’s race? In my opinion, or in the opinion of other beat writers, no (though its damn close). But it was a damn fine race, from start to finish. No point in the race really dragged, as the cold and damp conditions kept the field relatively together for the duration of the race. A lot of “holy shit” moments ensued of course, but miraculously we avoided the big one for the second year in a row. No one took the “Daytona Roll” either, which is the first time in a while that we avoided that fate. In place of these were some… well, aggressive driving accidents. And the man at the forefront of this reckless abandonment was YOUR 2005 Nextel Cup Champion, Tony Stewart himself.
You can almost chronicle the race using only Tony Stewart. To wit, Stewart gets sideways, saves the car and takes the lead. Stewart gives no room to Gordon and hits the wall with Jeff. Stewart turns sideways in Turn 2 again, then runs Matt Kenseth into the grass. Stewart and Kenseth get together off pit road. Stewart is sent to the back of the field, but marches all the way back to the front. Stewart hits Kyle Busch, gets sent to the back again. Stewart drives through the field, again, and finishes fifth.
Wow, that’s quite a day, eh?
I wont touch any jokes/sarcastic remarks about the hypocritical nature of Tony Stewart’s earlier comments for two reasons. Firstly, I like Stewart to the point where he’s nearly my favorite driver (outside of Michael Waltrip of course), and this is my column, so huz to the zah if you don’t like it. And second, NASCAR needs a guy like Tony Stewart around to stir shit up. You know who broke that mold, right? Dale Earnhardt. How apropos this week turned out. Naturally, the Kenseth hit was a dirty shot, but man you have to feel bad for Kenseth. He had an awesome call, and while the Stewart hit sucked, NASCAR’s ridiculous penalties killed any chance he had to win.
This brings me to this next point. NASCAR, in principle, sucks at governing the sport in which it serves. Mike Helton is criminally disrespected amongst the likes of a David Stern or Paul Tagliabue. Outside of Helton though, NASCAR officials range from the incompetent to the Nazis in the tower. For the most part, the rules enforced on the track are either blatantly stupid (“Lucky Dog”, I see you) or are judgment calls (like when the field is frozen, or now when someone drives “aggressively”) that could make or break a race for a driver. Case in point, look at Carl Edwards in the Budweiser Shootout. He had to dive below the yellow line to avoid a crash, did not even complete a pass while under, and lost three positions. He was penalized for “making a pass” below the yellow line, and driving “aggressively”. Carl was consistently in the top ten all day long, which gives you as good a chance to win at Daytona as the guy in second place. NASCAR officials seem to have a problem with good judgment, and believe me, if drivers weren’t so pussy whipped because of the television presence, NASCAR officials would get as much flak as do NBA or NFL referees.
(And what kind of world do we live in where, out of the big four sports in America today, the baseball umpire is considered the hallmark of good officiating? Hockey refs must be saints.)
All in all, there were enough moments that tested your chutzpah on Sunday to keep things lively. I may dislike most tracks over a mile long, but I will say this about Daytona. There is hardly ever a finish that isn’t close. This race was no different, albeit less exciting than, say, last year’s 500. I don’t think its any big secret that I dislike Jimmie Johnson. He’s behind Kurt Busch, tied with Junior and ahead of Kyle Busch on my dislike meter, so watching him win the Daytona 500 (after sticking with the race all afternoon) was a sobering experience. I was quite happy to see Casey Mears take home second place, and almost held out hope that a rules violation would strip Johnson of the win. No such luck, I guess, but a top five is a great way to start off the season.
Who’s Hot, Who’s Not
1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Casey Mears
3. Ryan Newman
4. Elliott Sadler
5. Tony Stewart
1. Kyle Busch
2. Kurt Busch
3. Jeff Gordon
4. Kyle Petty
5. Jeff Green
There isn’t much more that can be said about Daytona that hasn’t already been said. Johnson won, despite trying to cheat earlier (and don’t send emails screaming “Knaus cheated, not Johnson”, because I’m not buying). That’s about it, actually. A lot of the Stewart/Gordon/Kenseth stuff will play out in California, where we’ll see if this feud is for real, or if it can be chalked up to the Daytona 500 syndrome. Otherwise, we’re finished with that. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it, and peace until this evening.
Puck Pimpin’
Hevia!
FLEA!
Here’s a touch of Reverend Slick…
Tom Gubitosi…
and Raul Colon…
With a side order of Ciprotti…
Plus some Pusey, too!
