The Anti-Pulse

WHERE WE BEGIN…

Holy shit, I’m doing a wrestling column again. Apologies all around for missing the past few weeks (in fact, I’ve only managed to do one Anti-Pulse in 2006 so far) but life has been pretty hectic around here over the past couple of months. People have been coming, people have been going, I’ve had visitors here, I’ve been visiting there, there have been academic things getting written, there have been fictional things getting written, and it all added up to not very much getting written for Inside Pulse other than the occasional comic book review. Thankfully, things are going to begin to settle down over the next month and your regularly-scheduled Anti-Pulse shall be with you on Fridays rather than Sundays. Oh, before I forget, I will be out of town over the WrestleMania weekend. I look forward to being the only online wrestling columnist to not comment about the, for lack of a better term, festivities. Apart from that however, I am here to rant and rave as only a chronically disgruntled Scotsman can… and if Matthew Michaels and I can convince Widro to go ahead with it, then there may well be a rather exciting new feature to the column…

Editor’s note: Watch it, Iain, you’re spilling too many secrets!

But that’s a matter for another day. For now, I’m just going to go ahead and dissect a wrestling PPV because it’s been far too long since I had the opportunity to do so…

TOP 5 ALBUMS OF THE YEAR (SO FAR):

1. The Strokes, First Impressions Of Earth
2. Jenny Lewis, Rabbit Fur Coat
3. The Arctic Monkeys, Whatever People Say I Am That’s What I Am Not
4. Belle & Sebastian – The Life Pursuit
5. Cat Power, The Greatest

WWE NO WAY OUT 2006 – AFTERMATH:

Sweet mother of mercy… If this show was a movie it would be The Matrix Reloaded…

Cruiserweight Clusterf*ck:
– Gregory Helms retains his title against everyone other than Jamie Noble…

I have come to the conclusion that the Cruiserweight Division is nothing more than a massive in-joke for the amusement of Vince McMahon, who has always had a rather peculiar sense of humour. He must take great pleasure in every single cruiserweight match being greeted by ever-hopeful comments about how maybe, just maybe, this will be the time that WWE lets the cruiserweights cut loose and actually have a meaningful match. It seems to happen all the time. Jamie Noble’s going back to Smackdown? Oh, he’ll be the one to convince them. Kid Kash signed with WWE? Oh, he’ll be the one to do it. Gregory Helms has jumped from Raw? Oh, that’ll do the trick alright. Um, no. If they can’t even see fit to give London & Kendrick the Michaels & Jannety treatment (or even the London & Kidman treatment, fer feck’s sake), then the Cruiserweight Division will continue to be the sports-entertainment equivalent of a cheap tax write-off. There is still a complete lack of direction heading towards WrestleMania (though, for once, that’s endemic of the entire promotion rather than just the diddy titles) and no reason to believe it will improve soon. Helms quite fairly sneaked away with the belt at two consecutive PPVs, but the former champion is a heel with no chance of turning face and is still working injured. Noble wasn’t in this match but certainly isn’t being built up as any sort of major challenger since his return to WWE has had as much impact as the continuity supervisor the promotion hired a couple of years ago. Funaki and Scotty remain, for the most part, the most popular cruiserweights despite being nothing more than over-familiar jokes. Mysterio has gone on to bigger and better things. Psicosis and Super Crazy can be used more effectively as a tag team. That leaves Nunzio. With another ECW show on the horizon, there are worse possibilities than a Nunzio/Kash feud, but it still doesn’t do a damn thing for WrestleMania. Temporary solution – watch TNA instead.

Ron Simmons Tribute:
– Finlay helps JBL get a fluke pinfall victory over Bobby Lashley…

In keeping with our bewilderment theme, we now have three more people bumbling around the midcard, stuck on the Road to WrestleMania with no map and a flat tyre. There’s a Krystal/Jillian incident on Smackdown this week that will probably lead to Lashley teaming up with Krystal because, well, they’re both black. Hey, that’s as much reasoning as Marvel seem to have put into the wedding between Storm and Black Panther. If this leads to a mixed tag match at WrestleMania then I may very well vomit. If they really want to keep things that simple then why not just get Ron Simmons back for a bit to act as a mentor for Lashley? In comparison to some of the other older wrestlers they’ve brought back lately, he’d be more than welcome. God knows what role Finlay (who is certainly welcome) is meant to play in any of this. Practically everybody that has been watching wrestling for more than a decade is clamouring for some unhinged Finlay/Regal/Benoit action over the US title but it’s hardly looking likely. It all feels like something that crawled from the set of a 1995 In Your House show, truth be told.

Tag Team Disinterest:
– Hardy brings back Tatanka to defeat MNM…

Important Safety Tip: if you are ever impressionable enough to try and do the Tatanka dance, make sure your fly is closed and your underwear is trustworthy. I won’t go into the gory details but trust me, it’s worth remembering. Anyway, WWE decided to turn this into a non-title match and then have the title match on Smackdown this week (and a swift slap round the face for anybody who can’t guess the outcome of it). There’s no sign of the Hardy/Melina storyline ending soon, so let’s see what the possible outcomes could be… 1) MNM drop the titles to Hardy and his partner at WrestleMania. Since his partner will probably be Tatanka, this cannot possibly be seen as a positive step. Besides, MNM have had to lose and regain the titles far too often. It’s faintly ridiculous that they are three-time champions already. So… 2) Hardy loses yet another feud. This would be utterly pointless. WWE has subjugated Hardy enough since his return that neither he nor his aptly-menstruating fanbase could expect him to break through to the main event or thereabouts (as could reasonably have happened last year). Nonetheless, he remains popular enough to be a midcard/tag team mainstay for many years to come, probably shifting a fair bit of merchandise along the way. This leads to… 3) Hardy joins MNM. I’m not sure how it would work, particularly since Melina will in all likelihood wind up on Raw if there is another draft lottery, but if they tinker with the MNM dynamic then there could be some rather intriguing storylines. I could certainly picture Hardy channeling Randy Savage at his crazed, jealous and over-protective worst/best, trying to hang onto his woman while his opponents goad him about it and make reference to the Edge/Lita incident. Perhaps they could even leave Melina as Mercury & Nitro’s manager while it plays out… hmm, we shall see…

Best Of Seven Thousand And Ninety-Two Point Three:
– Chris Benoit finally established as the United States Champion by making Booker tap…

Yeah, well, that’s finally that. I can only hope that the next time WWE feels like having a series of title matches between two evenly-matched individuals, they do it with people that are younger and less injury-prone. It turned into a chore to sit through all these Benoit/Booker and Benoit/Orton matches, which is never a good thing. At least Booker has the benefit of being one of the few wrestlers with a clear feud lined up for WrestleMania. The fact that it’s with The Boogeyman means that the match will more than likely suck beyond all rational imagining but, hey, the build should be quite entertaining. Booker’s done very well at the more comedic backstage segments (see: Goldust, Austin, Rock) and Boogeyman’s good at those if nothing else. As for Benoit and the United States Title… nothing. Yes, Finlay and Regal are still out there but that’s the sort of match WWE would rather use to fill up Judgement Day or the Great American Bash (and it would be rather fitting for the latter). As far as WrestleMania goes, we again come back to the possibility of an interbrand Money In The Bank Match. Well, I say “possibility” but in my mind it’s already happening. Carlito, Shelton and RVD from Raw. Benoit, JBL and Lashley from Smackdown. Carlito gets the sneaky win but gets too cocky and blows his title shot within a couple of months. Easy.

Out Of Time:
– Randy Orton nicks Rey Mysterio’s WrestleMania title shot… sort of…

…and we all bash our heads off the desk because that is at least more sensible than the way this whole situation has been booked. I don’t just mean the Eddie part either, they’ve just shot their credibility in the foot consistently this year. Batista gets injured and they take the title off of him, but then they give it to Kurt Angle that night rather than waiting till the Royal Rumble in two weeks time (when a Raw wrestler could credibly join Smackdown). They give Rey Mysterio the Royal Rumble victory but never plan on actually letting him get a title match at WrestleMania. They let Randy Orton win the title shot at No Way Out but then fudge the details again at the very next Smackdown taping by making the WrestleMania title match a triple threat anyway. I said in the Roundtable that this would happen but mentioned the very important part about how Rey had all of March, including Saturday Night’s Main Event, to earn the chance to fight Angle and Orton. Instead, they just had him apologise for losing and then bring Teddy Long out to say “Oh, go on then”. Forget about any fondness for Mysterio you may have. Forget about the Eddie Connection. Just picture if they had done this with someone like John Cena and given him a title shot for no good reason whatsoever. It would hardly have been met favourably, would it? So why should this be any different? Hell, if they were working towards the triple threat before No Way Out anyway (and the rumour mill indicates they were) then why not have just ended the match in a draw? Why not have a rematch on Smackdown where Mysterio could prove himself worthy? Yes, he lost the match at No Way Out unfairly but this is nothing new in wrestling. At the moment, given the way the main event ended, The Undertaker has a better claim to a title shot than either of these two guys.

Heavyweight Histrionics:
– Kurt Angle makes The Undertaker work and ekes out a pin…

At the moment, you could make a pretty good stab at cutting the wrestling fanbase in half by dividing it up into those that thought this was the Match of the Year so far and those who maintain that Joe/Daniels/Styles from Against All Odds deserves that premature honour. I’ll leave it up to each of you to decide where your loyalties lie. All I’ll say on the matter is that I skipped through the entrances, saw the start of the match, got bored, skipped forward, saw Kurt trying to tickle Taker’s feet or something, got bored, skipped forward, kept going, saw a random yet successful pin for Kurt, skipped forward, saw Taker verbally bitch-slapping him after the match, remained bored and then went away to remedy this boredom armed solely with a guitar. In fact, I’m getting bored just thinking about it. I’ll stop now and start thinking of ways to chastise myself for skipping this match when Taker/Henry lumbers onto centre stage on the 2nd of April.

TOP 5 THINGS I HAVE DONE LATELY… FOR EDDIE:

1. Wrote an essay about the purported popularity of the Scottish Reformation
2. Cooked really bitchin’ stir-fry in a hot lime pickle sauce
3. Compiled a couple of CDs for this weekend’s road trip

4. Bought an evil monkey keyring.
5. Voted in the Comics Nexus Awards.

ANTI-NEWS:

“Ohhh, it’s all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.”

WWE has released THE DICKS, Chad Wicks and John Tolland, thus sparking a wave of apathy from most people, several bad puns on various wrestling news posts, and the odd cry of “Who are they?” from people more blissfully unaware than I am. Relatively speaking, the tag team ranks on Smackdown are still in great shape. They have MNM, The Mexicools, Nunzio & Vito, London & Kendrick and The Gymini, not to mention the Matt Hardy situation and whatever poor sap winds up with Animal. Raw was the part-time make-shift Kane & The Big Show feature, plus Tyson Tomko & Snitsky (who apparently split up on the Heat tapings) and Viscera & Val Venis (who may not even be employed for much longer), plus some male cheerleaders. That’s… lovely. Oh, for the giddy days of The Godwinns and The Body Donnas. At least then we’d have Sunny. Now we’ve just got Tammy Sytch off our screens and a waste of space on them. Some conspiracy theorists have speculated that this is indicative of a secret WWE policy that sees indy talents signed to contracts that keep them away from other promotions, then lumbers them with imbecilic gimmicks to lower their value, then releases them. Michael Wylie would be proud. This leads us onto…

*****

“I wonder what the shroud of Turin tastes like.”

VINCE MCMAHON threatening the world yet again, this time in the guise of having a “big announcement” to make at the Raw & Smackdown Super Fun Happy Taping on in Washington, D.C. on Monday. Apparently he has insisted on all of the wrestlers on either roster attending the taping to hear this announcement, even the diddy ones like the Bashams. In all likelihood the subject will be the mythical Eddie Guerrero Memorial Drug Testing Scheme that the company can flap it’s collective gums about for the coming year before quietly disposing of whatever remains. Well, unless someone like Batista drops dead unexpectedly. Then they’re in trouble. Some people are also speculating that Vince will take this opportunity to dispose of some of the gathered dead weight at the tapings. It has been rumoured that more cuts will be made to the rosters in the coming weeks, which is somewhat peculiar since tradition has the post-WrestleMania month as the annual clear-out. However, hot on the heels of The Dicks and the recently-disposed-of Heart Throbs, the following are most likely to be let go – Rosey, Stevie Richards, Nick Dinsmore and Val Venis. Let’s see…

Rosey – Um, why? I have little interest in seeing 3 Minute Warning back on Raw, even if they were to be managed by Eric Bischoff, but since there is no real tag team division to speak of on that brand it would be foolish not to give it a go at least. The Heart Throbs even managed to get mic time before they were released, while Cade & Murdoch were at least given a couple of weeks as a team before being quietly split up.

Stevie Richards – Okay, okay, so there’s that pesky ECW show coming in June (and tickets can be yours for just $250!) but even if he’s released that doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t want to be a part of it. TNA probably wouldn’t have much of a role for him, particularly with Raven’s health problems, and a one-night paycheck on top of whatever severance package he gets would be more than welcomed.

Nick Dinsmore – Hell, I’m surprised they even brought the guy back after his rehab. The Eugene gimmick hit a brick wall a long time ago and has continued to ram up against it, time and time again. If they don’t have the creative energy to dissolve it so that Dinsmore can play a different role, which is something they should have done back in the summer of ’04, then they may as well call it a day. I’m sure Dinsmore will wind up with some sort of ROH title before the year is out. It certainly is hard to believe he was once one of the most popular performers in the company.

Val Venis – Again we come back to overplayed gimmicks and underwhelming tag teams. Venis, along with Scotty 2 Hotty, is one of the few remaining and unchanged remnants of Vince Russo’s time. It’s a mystery how Scotty has managed to stay with the company for such a long time. I certainly wouldn’t get rid of Morley before him, since Morley at least seems like he could make a good agent in years to come. Oh well, on the bright side he could at least be hired by TNA to act as an on-air authority figure. We’ve seen him do it very effectively during the brief Chief Morley days and it would be an epic step-up from Larry Zbysko, who struggles to be believable as a human being much less as a representative of management.

That’s all the names that have been mentioned so far but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if all of the above and more were booted. I’ve said it many times before and shall continue to do so – the problem of accumulating tat on their rosters could be solved quite easily by reuniting Raw and Smackdown. Does anybody even see it as a credible brand split anymore? In January alone we had Kurt Angle and Gregory Helms leave Raw to win Smackdown titles for no discernible reason. Kurt even brought Daivari with him – a manager who had turned up on Raw out of the blue despite being a Smackdown member the last time anybody saw him. This month, Stacy Keibler was moved back to Raw only four months since she moved to Smackdown. She didn’t do anything then and she won’t do anything now, particularly since she’s off competing on a non-wrestling TV show instead. The interbrand matches, which were shaping up to be a staple of WrestleMania, have been so oversaturated in the past six months that there is no way to do any credible interbrand bouts for WM22 other than sharing the Money in the Bank stipulation. Each brand is supposed to have a General Manager, yet Raw has been without one since December and no harm has come to the show (or at least, no harm that would not otherwise have been inflicted regardless). Pointless, absolutely pointless.

Consider this – if you reunited the brands then you could have a roster that consisted of the following: Batista, The Big Show, Bobby Lashley, The Boogeyman, Booker T, Brian Kendrick, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Daivari, Edge, Finlay, Gregory Helms, Jamie Noble, JBL, Joey Mercury, John Cena, Johnny Nitro, Kane, Ken Kennedy, Kid Kash, Kurt Angle, Maria, Matt Hardy, Melina, Mickie James, Nunzio, Paul Burchill. Paul London, Psicosis. Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Ric Flair, Rob Conway, Rob Van Dam, Shawn Michaels, Shelton Benjamin, Super Crazy, Triple H, Trish Stratus, The Undertaker, Victoria, and William Regal.

You will notice the distinct lack of tat. There’s enough for the Cruiserweight and Women’s divisions to be getting on with should they want to keep up the equal-opportunity charades. There’s enough for a single tag team division to occupy itself with rather nicely. There’s enough midcard action to satisfy both the Intercontinental and United States titles. There’s room at the top for a very healthy WWE World Title scene (particularly since Taker and Michaels will be part-time at best in the coming year). There’s also the added bonus of finally, finally having a roster vibrant enough to keep itself interesting without resorting to dragging back old timers that have no business being there (Duggan, Goldust) in addition to not dragging up the youngsters long before they are ready for the exposure (Masters, Spirit Squad). Of course, this does mean that Vince McMahon will not be able to own every single wrestler in existence, so it probably won’t happen.

*****

“Bah! Your planet doesn’t deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It’s a lesson, I say!”

Regardless of the future of the brand-split situation, CHARLIE HAAS is one step closer to returning to WWE. He wrestled in OVW recently, defeating Paul Burchill and, apparently, trying to use the Angle Slam for himself. Whether he winds up going to Smackdown to remind Kurt of simpler times and snazzy matching tracksuits, or whether he goes to Raw to bring along his mother to meet Shelton’s momma, one thing is for certain – he’s doing it… for Eddie. Oh, and this is good news. And good news calls for this:

*****

“You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?”

Hot on the heels of Bret and Eddie, WWE are apparently after TONY ATLAS for a Hall of Fame induction this year. Dusty Rhodes is apparently too fat to be included in the Class of 2006, so they have very kindly told him that he is actually too special to be overshadowed by some expatriated Canadian and a dead Latino. Either that or Dusty just thinks really, really highly of himself for someone whose legacy shall be crappy endings to otherwise good matches, polka dots, and a son who could only get heat/escape his blubbery shadow by pretending to be gay. Other people rumoured for induction this year are Arn Anderson and Sherri Martel, both of whom I would have put above Dusty on my shortlist anyway. It looks like the Road Warriors might not make it in this year either, despite the release of their DVD, the nightmare of Road Warrior Heidenreich and the fact that it’s being held in Chicago this time. I guess Droz’s induction speech will have to wait a little while longer.

*****

“Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say ‘brglgrglgrrr’!”

As you might have heard, AUSTIN ARIES, along with Roderick Strong, wrestled on an ROH house show the day before Against All Odds despite being asked not to by TNA due to the possibility of poor weather conditions affecting flights. Aries and Strong made it to the PPV but turned up four hours late. Here’s what Aries had to say about the punishment they received:

“On Tuesday shortly before my Impact! match against Christopher Daniels, I was informed by TNA management that they would be suspending me for 2 months for my tardiness and not following their request which would have prevented me from being late. Now there’s a lot of debate over TNA’s decision and if it’s fair or not. I personally understand TNA’s position on this matter and completely respect the fact that they’re entitled to protect their interests as they see fit. And while I was also entitled and within my contractual rights to make the tough decision I did, I fully accept the consequences of my decision.”

It’s quite something to have both parties being wrong and right at the same time. TNA were in the right to ask their contracted performers not to jeapordise their big event, but by suspending two such talented individuals for two months they are only hurting their own product. After the nonsense with Jeff Hardy and Waltman it’s understandable they want to set an example to their other employees but a one-month suspension could have sent that message loud and clear. Aries and Strong were in the right to work the ROH show due to their financial situation and loyalty to the promotion, but were hopelessly naive by failing to see the bigger picture and will now miss out on far more than they would have done originally had they simply cancelled the ROH appearance. At least it seems as though there won’t be any lingering resentment by either party. Hopefully they can continue the Alex Shelley push in the meantime. For nothing else, they should do it… for Eddie.

TOP 5 BEAST WARS TRANSFORMERS:

1. Ravage
2. Blackarachnia
3. Dinobot
4. Waspinator
5. Rhinox

WHERE WE END…

Next time – a full-length column! Swearing! Nudity! Others!

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