So despite all of our spectacular technological advancements we have made as the human race, there are still two insurmountable barriers that make a complete f*cking mockery of our achievements.
The first would be religion, with the showcased idiocy regarding the Danes and their political cartoons boiling to an ugly head earlier this week when Islam bakeries in the more, well, let’s not mince words here, simpler part of the world demanded that their Danishes be renamed to something more devout. Now where have I seen something like that before? Oh, right.
The other thing that basically ensures we, as a race, are doomed, would be a substance that can be found throughout the world. It’s permeated just about every square inch of the globe, and seems to be gaining ground just about every day. No, I’m not talking about greenhouse gases, McDonald’s or Fiddy Fucking Cent. I’m talking about concrete, that anti-porous substance which basically f*cks with wireless signals. Blah blah blah, we can put a man on the moon, blah blah blah, internet, whine whine whine.
What any of this has to do with anything is thus: God hates me and I hate wireless internet, which, sadly, is my only option in my current accomodations. It doesn’t explain this column’s lateness, either, just the author’s current temperment due to being up at 2 in the morning cranking this clunker out. How’s that for alliteration? No? Well, I’d like to extend a welcome to the new Friday slot 1-900-Idiot-Savant is now nestled in.
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As well, my hectic schedule and my general inability to remember anything beyond my name led to me not being able to wish one Aaron Cameron off as he takes a step back from the weekly grind and leaves me with some very big shoes to fill. I don’t know if Management is trying to set me up to fall or what, but I’m going to give it a go nonetheless. I loved reading your columns, Aaron, and look forward to whatever features you end up cranking out.
Speaking of Minority Report alumni, Jeff makes an appearance here on Inside Pulse. Hell, Mathan making an appearance must mean that the planets are aligned, water is flowing upwards, and reality, as we know it, has been upended. I’m starting to think that I’m not actually writing this column, but rather having flashbacks to my 411 days. You know, when we all kept regular schedules.
Oh, okay, Gloomchen’s here, and she’s talking about Chinese Democracy, something which exists on the same level as wrestling columnists opinions or the fecal matter of a certain mythological animal, according to Eric S, who also talks at great length about 2001. Ok, seriously, where the hell is Sherman and how the hell do I get back to 2006? My safety is most assuredly not guaranteed!
Right. I’m sure the few people who haven’t yet hit the back button on their browser are going to be here for the long run, so really, anything I write in here will work. Call it the Internet Straitjacket, if you want.
First, let’s get to talking about the Olympics. There have been some simply amazing stories to come out of Turin, particularly with the Canadians. Cindy Klassen’s oustanding performances resulting in a trip to the podium four times, Chandra Crawford’s coming out of nowhere to capture the gold…and the men’s hockey team completely stinking it up. Yeah, in what can only be classed as a meltdown of epic proportions the real Team Canada didn’t even bother qualify for a medal round, having to endure a first round exit against a white hot Russian team, a sorely underrated team, despite having incredible talent. For me, Canada’s horrible performance can be chalked up to having a savaged defensive core and wretched coaching. Pat Quinn needs to go, and I don’t see him staying behind the bench in Toronto much longer after this.
As for the rest of the Olympics? There’s been some good stuff. Zhang Dan’s horrible landing and subsequently winning the silver is the sort of thing the Olympics are all about, but is going to be virtually ignored because it’s, well, China. Sweden robbing the USA’s women’s hockey team of a gold medal round with Canada was another surprise upset, as was Switzerland’s defeat of the men’s team. Shizuka Arakawa’s performance last night in women’s figure skating was something to see, too. Yeah, I’ll admit to watching figure skating, although I won’t make any claims about being knowledgable about it, but even to a newb like me, holy f*ck was that girl on fire. Of course, a performance like that would’ve netted her a bronze in previous Olympics, thanks to the judging fiascos that always seem to occur with figure skating, and of course, I’m only talking at great length about figure skating so I can give the other Music writers an arsenal of material to shell me with.
At any rate, let’s get down to covering some music news…
Noows
– So the management types for Guns & Roses are leaking out the material to Chinese Democracy and are trying to nip it in the bud? Honestly, at this point, I’m not entirely sure if they’re acting out of desperation, or if they are simply using marketing methods that would’ve been effective when Chinese Democracy was supposed to be released. I don’t know, but I’m basically sick of G’N’R and anything Axl related.
– Metallica and Rick Rubin. Well, if anyone can get them to produce something that isn’t snore worthy, it’d be Rubin. The man is a modern day King Midas, and just about anything is going to be a step up from St. Anger, so things look promising in the Metallica Camp. Now, if Lars could just extricate his head from his ass and back down from his role as File Nazi, and I might just say nice things about them again.
– From the Holy Shit, I Missed Scott Stapp Week, So Here’s A Consolation Prize Dept: A group of 9 anonymous fans are currently suing RCA and Sony BMG due to their marketing of Clay Aiken. Apparently Mr. Aiken enjoyed a romp in the hay with OH-SO-HORNY Soldier Boy, thus completely disintegrating ‘the marketing and promotion of Clay Aiken as a virginal, asexual character.’ The plaintiffs, who have apparently been on the receiving end (ahem) of death threats over this, go on to state “The recent media about Clay has shown this to, apparently, be a lie, and that image (was) only designed to enrich the record company at the expense of consumers. We think this is false advertising.” (Source). Thus, proving the inherent stupidity of a fanbase that is only rivalled in blnd, fanatical devotion by those of Kalen Porter fans. No, not because they actually thought that Aiken was hetero, which, honestly, should be completely f*cking irrelevent, as sexual preference means dick all (ahem, again) in the music business. No, they’re idiots for thinking that a brainless hack who won a televised talent show supervised by a washed up 80s star, the ‘genius’ behind the goddamned Spice Girls and Some Black Guy was actually worth their attentions and adoration.
Don’t worry, though, looks like American Idol won’t be making the same mistake twice. I’m sure we can ALL rest easy.
– The RIAA wish to redefine how the Supreme Court works how fair use works. Honestly, I wonder if anyone has done any studies linking music label reps and litigation with music fans. It’s just like rock music and the Devil! the RIAA makes people want to sue each other! For Clay Aiken’s sake, RIAA, please, STOP your legal maneuvering before ALL the horrid pop acts are sued into oblivion!
Fisher Price psychology: never guaranteed to work, but it’s always worth a shot.
– Bono is angered with French President Jacques Chirac. Apparently Chirac’s agricultural practices are causing problems for Bono’s invasion plans for Africa. In a press statement released later today (yes, I’m suddenly prescient, deal with it), Bono assured everyone that his moving troops into the Rhineland shouldn’t be cause for any alarm. Nope, not any at all.
– Courtney Love is in legal trouble yet again, this time from her father, who is afraid of lies, untruths and generally other unpublishable material going into Love’s new book. Okay, seriously, can I PLEASE go back to 2006? Please, please, please?!
I think that just about does it this week. Check back in about 2 weeks time, as I’ve got some stuff planned in addition to the nonsense you just read. Have a good weekend, y’all.
