The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #117

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.

I’ve been on a hiatus for the past two months or so, but starting this week, I’ll be doing this column regularly again, while still sticking with the agreement I had with M(S^2), in which we switch off weekends for The Weekly Pulse. It lets me stay a permanent resident, whole allowing me to handle the shit that keeps me busy during the rest of the week. I actually made my return earlier this week with this, my addition to the February feature. Also check out the ones by Mathan, Chris Lamb, Greg Wind, That_Bootleg_Guy, and Michaels Chadwick and Lawrence.

…Holy shit.

How are you doing, my man? I must admit, I feel badly that IP is losing so much talent at once, with Cam going, and you not able to come on as much anymore.

Please, Jeff, come back soon, and bring your crazy links. Bring the Battle Royals.

Honestly, I miss it.
M(S^2), 2/5/06

I don’t know about the battle royales, but here come the plugs…

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (TERRIBLE TANKAS EDITION)

Kyle David Paul
He has Kanye and J. Lo
In this week’s column
McDonald’s spicy chicken
Is much better than Wendy’s

Gloom moved recently
Guns N’ Roses still lives on
All you MySpace bands
Stop sending me friend requests
Send them to Gloomchen instead

I like to eat bread
D’Estroyer likes Lamb of God
Just saying is all
Current greatest metal band?
Eat a queer duck for Jesus

Who does Mathan like?
Ad hoc award demanders?
The Roots are awesome
Where did you put all my socks?
Come on, Mom, I’m serious

Where is Warren Woo?
Good thing we still have Trevor
For Friday reading
Purple monkey dishwasher
Pee pee poo poo wah wah choad

NEWS TO USE

The Associated Press is presuming that The Sex Pistols have decided to unleash an invective against the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because it took five years for them to be inducted. I’m going with the fact that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is f*cking malarkey, and The Sex Pistols happen to realize this. The band, which has stated that it will not attend the induction ceremony on March 13, posted a statement on its Web site on Friday referring to the Hall of Fame as “urine in wine.” The letter added, “Fame at $25,000 if we paid for a table, or $15,000 to squeak up in the gallery, goes to a nonprofit organisation selling us a load of old famous.” Susan Evans, director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation, replied by saying, “They are being the outrageous punksters they are, and that’s rock and roll, just like the J. Geils Band. Come on, that ‘Love Stinks’ record was hella edgy for its time!”

A donnybrook erupted in the streets of Buenos Aires on Thursday after several large groups of fans tried forcing their way into a stadium where the Rolling Stones were to play, although the fans had no tickets. Local police were called to step in outside the Monumental football stadium, where they used water cannons, rubber bullets, flamethrowers, and billy clubs to keep the crowd (which was pushing past security to gain entry into the venue) under control. Okay, maybe not flamethrowers, but you have to admit that would have been pretty cool.


This is a computer-generated image showing what it may have looked like had the Buenos Aires Police Department used flamethrowers to keep an obstreperous crowd of crazy fans under control. As you can see, it’s already working, as the crowd has been considerably dispersed. Note that these fans are so crazy that they have not only shed all of their clothing, but their heads have also swollen up, possibly a side-effect of craziness.

Braden Merrick, former manager of The Killers, has filed a lawsuit against the band for breach of contract, claiming that they fired him after they started to gain notoriety early last year, despite the fact that his contract was to extend through 2007. Merrick’s suit seeks $16 million, as his attorney told reporters, “He’s entitled to a percentage of their income for his services as a manager and a producer.” The band’s attorney, on the other hand, replied by saying they he and the band were surprised by the lawsuit, and “the claims alleged by Mr. Merrick are absolutely [without merit] and we intend to defend this action vigorously.”

The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Know Currently Known As Just Prince recently told fan club members on his Web site that he would be appearing as a “special guest” during a concert by Tamar, a protégé of his, on Saturday. While fan club tickets sold out in a matter of minutes, additional seats were available through Ticketmaster for $34,999 apiece, including $34,949 in convenience charges, shipping charges, handling charges, processing charges, Ticketmaster CEO-needs-a-new-Chrysler-300C charges, more convenience charges, printing charges, scanning charges, and even more convenience charges.

REM singer Michael Stipe has been added to an anti-war concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York, called “Bring ’em Home Now!”, which will feature a key note speech from activist Cindy Sheehan, and will also include headlining performances by Bright Eyes, Rufus Wainwright, Chuck D, and Steve Earle. Also scheduled to play are Fischerspooner, Devandra Banhart, and Peaches, who will suck so bad that people in the crowd will more than likely decide to riot. The Buenos Aires Police Department will be called in to keep the crowd at bay with their flamethrowers. All because of Peaches.

Somethingcore band Haste the Day replaced its recently departed lead singer, Jimmy Ryan (who left the band three months ago due to “personal” reasons), with some guy named Stephen Keech, who was introduced during a show on Thursday. The band is currently touring with Bleeding Through, Every Time I Die, My Bleeding Death, Every Bleeding Scar, Every Bloody Dying Death, Every Dying Funeral, I Am So Fucking Bleeding Dramatic Dead With My Black Hoody, and MY BlooDy BleeDinG BLEEDxXxCOREXXx Bl00dy BLooDCLOT.

Quick Bits

50 Cent recently told reporters in Taipei, Taiwan, that he regards Eminem as his role model in helping him dealing with success, saying, “I kind of look to Eminem to gauge how I should respond to success.” He added, “He’s had even bigger success than I have in some areas, except for that he doesn’t look like a rhinoceros.”

Sheryl Crow underwent surgery on Wednesday to treat breast cancer, and is said to be recovering “without complications.” Although her physicians said that they had caught it in its early stages, she will still undergo radiation treatment as a precaution. Her upcoming tour, scheduled for March and April, will be postponed as a result.

Elton John and The Afghan Hound performed a duet for the very first time last Monday at a benefit concert at Las Vegas’ Colosseum at Caesars Palace. It was to raise money for New Orleans-area employees of Harrah’s Entertainment Inc. who were affected by Hurricane Katrina. Also on hand was host Jerry Seinfeld, as the concert raised $2.1 million.


“Hey, did you ever notice that some Quebecois easy-listening singers happen to look a lot like Afghan Hounds?”

Gospel pianist Anthony Burger died of what is suspected to be a fatal heart attack during a performance on a Gaithering Homecoming cruise out of Miami on Wednesday. He was 44.

William Cowsill, lead singer of the family band The Cowsills, who gained success in the late 1960s/early 1970s with songs such as “The Rain, the Park and the Other Things” and “Hair,” and was the inspiration for The Partridge Family, died on Friday. He had advanced emphysema, along with osteoporosis and numerous other ailments. He was 58.

Puerto Rican jazz percussionist Ray Barretto, who is oft credited with introducing the conga drum to the genre, died of pneumonia at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey. He was 76.

Fred Durst did not die this week after being crushed by a flaming 1966 Oldsmobile Cutlass, although we all at The Saturday Swindle Sheet are still eagerly awaiting that…

An audio tape from the February 5 altercation at a Busta Rhymes video shoot that saw one man slain has reportedly been shopped around to various media outlets for $50,000, although whomever has it has not turned it over to police, because snitchin’ is for bitch-ass [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)]s. Isn’t that right, Carmelo Anthony?


Busta Rhymes (left) may have been killed during the altercation on February 5. Luckily, though, his stunt double, NBA forward Antonio Davis (right), was on-hand, with his wife, Kendra, who threw scalding coffee in Tony Yayo’s face. Good.

Kanye West won the Best Solo Artist award at the ShockWaves NME Awards on Thursday in London. He thanked his fans for making him their god, while saying that the Arctic Monkeys hate black people and Hurricane Sigma Kappa Spinakopita is all their fault.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

From Underground Inc…

NEW CHEMLAB REMIX ALBUM!!!
This week we are getting ready for the upcoming release of Chemlab’s
Rock Whore vs. Dance Floor CD, the remix companion of 2003’s Oxidizer.

CHEMLAB SHOW IN NEW YORK CITY!!!
We have a limited number of FREE TICKETS to the Chemlab show in NYC on January 7th at the Downtime with Re-Inforced, Ascension of the Watchers (Fear Factory, Killing Joke, Still Life Decay), and The Aggression. The show begins at 9pm, and is 18+.

In order to get the free ticket to the show, you must make a $15 purchase from the Underground Inc. store (the face value of the ticket), and add the ticket to your cart before checkout. There are only 12 tickets available. Follow this LINK to add the ticket to your cart!

ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.

For more info email press@astralwerks.net.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Tavares, “Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel”
Ozzy Osbourne, “No More Tears”
Misfits, “Lost in Space”
The Only Band That Matters, “I’m So Bored With the U.S.A.”
Roni Size/Reprazent, “Lucky Pressure”
Abra Moore, “Four Leaf Clover”
Al Jarreau, “Moonlighting”
Geggy Tah, “Whoever You Are”
Pet Shop Boys, “Opportunities”
Primal Scream, “Miss Lucifer”
Spandau Ballet, “True”
Duran Duran, “Rio”
Skee-Lo, “I Wish”
Len, “Beautiful Day” [f/Biz Markie]
X-Ray Spex, “Oh Bondage Up Yours!”
A3, “Woke Up This Morning” (Chosen One Mx)
Seven Mary Three, “Water’s Edge”
Yes, “I’ve Seen All Good People”
Tones On Tail, “Go!”
Gorillaz, “Clint Eastwood”
The Cars, “Moving in Stereo”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Red Light District Video won an appeal of sorts on Friday, to a judgement against them, fronted by Kid Rock and his attorneys. Last Tuesday, Rock won a temporary injunction that prevented the adult video manufacturer from distributing a sex tape involving Kid Rock, Scott Stapp, and four women. While Kid Rock’s attorneys will seek a permanent injunction, Red Light will have until March 23 to present their case. If there is indeed a Jesus, He will let this video see the light of day, because (a) it will hopefully destroy Scott Stapp’s career, and (b) because even Jesus hates Creed.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and my crime is time, and it’s 18 and life to go.

Cheers
-JF2k6!