You forgot the D in ‘Orlano’, j@ckaZz bitch n***a
That’s from the inbox, and yes, contrary to popular beleif, it’s real. Yes, I edited the last part out since some readers might be offended. I am just that kind of guy.
The NeelDown iMPACT Zone
– Orlando, Florida
– Hosts are Don West and Mike Tenay
Monty Brown v. Dylan Night
I guess there’s an advantage to getting the annual Impact squash out of the way first, so you can look forward to the rest of the card having real wrestling matches. POUNCE. -*
Winner: Monty Brown
– Afterwords Brown calls out Christian who comes out and asks Brown what the capital of Thailand is. As we all know, since we’re all little freshmen in high school who giggle at that kind of stuff, it’s Bangock, and Christian punches him in the balls but then gets destroyed and security and Big Lar break it up. I bet Lambert liked this since it involved Christian, despite how utterly stupid it was. Memo to Big Lar: This kind of booking to fuel a feud… sucks.
– America’s Most Worthless hype the main event while Shelley and Jarrett remind us that we are having a viewing party tonight.
Roderick Strong v. AJ Styles
Back and fourth and Styles gets a dropkick right to Strong’s jaw slowing things down. Styles with a back suplex and snapmare but Strong grabs onto his foot and fights him off. Side effect/backbreaker combo gets two for Strong. He is the Messiah of the Backbreaker, you know. Styles ducks a clothseline and gets a spin kick then gets dropped on the apron, but springs in with a flying forearm for two. Strong dodges the discuss forearm but Styles gets a powerbomb then the Styles Clash for the win. **, a lot shorter than it should have been. Good luck in your two month off time, Roderick.
Winer: AJ Styles
– Gail Kim hands Jackie Gayda a MYTERY BAG and tells her to “put on” what’s in the bag. Ooh, the mystery.
Team Canada v. The James Gang
Mr. Gunn Ass takes Roode down to start but Roode chop blocks his knee from behind and works on the knee. Heintz 57 comes in to continue working on the knee. Dueling tags and Road Dogg gets his usual offense in to take control. Latin American Xchange interupt allowing Roode to nail the Northern Lariat on James for the win. 1/4*
Winners: Team Canada
– Afterwards LAX contine the attack until 66 year-old Bob Armstrong makes the save and Konan bails again.
Shark boy v. Samoa Joe
Maybe this would be a good time to plug myinterview with Sharky, in case you missed it? Sharky attacks but gets drilled with a boot. Snapmare into moor kicks by Joe and he drops the knee to the FIN. Tenay reminds us that this is a non-title match up. Oh, you don’t say. Sharky manages to get 10 punches and the VICOUS SHARK BITE. Joe then turns out and gets an enzigir while Sharky is up top, Muscle Buster and it’s choke out time, boys and girls. 1/4*
Winner: Samoa Joe
America’s Most Wanted v. Ron Killings & Rhyno – NWA Tag Team Championship Match
Storm takes Kilings down and stomps a mudehole to start, but Killings comes back, wearing Storm’s cowboy hat. Don West comments that this is a great way to put fear into AMW. Yeah, that one’ll work. Killings gets a single-arm DDT for two. Rhyno and Harris do battle up the stage as we get a mid-ring collision. Rhyno sets up for a spear on the top of the ramp, but Abyss comes out of the tunnel and takes him down. Abyss Black Hole Slams Rhyno through a sheet metal wall near the stage to get revenge. Back inside Killings gets a flying forearm but gets flattened by the superkick followed by the Death Sentence, and that, my friends, is all she wrote. *
Winners: America’s Most Wanted
– Main event Sting viewing party time, and Jackie Gayda’s surprise mystery outfit turns out to be a slutty maid outfit. Jarrett drops the tape and makes Jackie pick it up. They play the tape, and it shows Sting picking up his children from school. The Shelley Cam follows Sting to his house, which Sting still can’t seem to find out that he is being recorded. Later that day Sting’s wife is pushing his kids on a swingset. We see Sting and his kids playing baskeball. Shelley adds that they aren’t good. Lastly, we see Sting go into a gym. Jarrett asks Showtime if he is now convinced that Sting is gone, but he isn’t. Since Showtime isn’t convinced, Jarrett demands that Shelley has to ask Sting face to face if he has quit.
The NeelDown: A pretty pathetic attempt at a show this week, with a card full of squashes, and it isn’t even a pre-PPV show.
Two nights, two columns, and on that note I’m outta here until Thursday when it’s week 4 for The View From The Cheap Seats with Jed Shaffer and I. Be there, or be gone.
