TNA: In The Zone for iMPACT, Feb 25
Hey all, and welcome to the first edition of TNA: In The Zone. I’m Dougie, and I’ll be your guide. Trust me, you’re gonna need one. This column isn’t about wins and losses, or who got put in a headlock. It’s my firm belief that some of the most compelling storytelling in professional wrestling is going on in TNA, and I’d like to share it with you, gentle readers. This column will be dedicated to dissecting the characters and stories that comprise TNA Wrestling. I’ll look at back-story, attention to continuity, believability, and pure technique. All these things can come together, if done properly, to create a pure illusion. A better illusion that you’ll see at a high priced Vegas show. In the end, we’ll look at these wrestlers, and figure out who really is In The Zone.
We start off the night with a short rundown (clip show style) of a few of the main stories that are going on in TNA right now. We see Jeff Jarrett, Team Canada, Gail Kim, AND Alex Shelley teaming up to beat a powerful foe, Jackie Gayda. Yes, friends, it takes all these people to keep one (hot) girl in her place in TNA. Hey, at least Jarrett doesn’t have to wrestle her.
Next we see the Latin American eXchange (and AWFULL acronym if I EVER saw one) versus The James Gang and BG’s elderly father, Bullet Bob Armstrong. More on this a little later.
The next clip features the three-way struggle (no, Jackie and Gail aren’t in this one, sickos) between Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, and Christopher Daniels. They have had this feud simmering for a while, and it’s about to boil over.
Finally, our trip down memory lane completes itself by reminding us that the “Alpha Male” Monte Brown is some sort of great cat, or a wolf, or an ape or something. Anyway, whatever he is supposed to be, he’s hunting Captain Charisma, Christian Cage.
Anyway, the show starts up, and once again, our announce team is comprised of a professor and an idiot. Mike Tenay has a tried and true record, in my eyes. He has been announcing for a while, and has a way of translating these awesome athletes physical stories into words. Don West used to sell stuff on QVC. Badly. I wish someone would string this hack up by his microphone cord and use him as a practice dummy.
Our first match out of the gate is the Alpha Male versus Random Jobber #78. Actually, this guy has a name, and the beginnings of a gimmick. His name is Dylan Knight, and services will be held in his hometown of Beverly Hills, Michigan. I’m sure that his time in wrestling school was spent dreaming of his future, getting smacked around by huge bastards with charisma.
During the match, I am reminded again of my distain for Don West, when he calls a Fall-Away-Slam a T-Bone. A move that was actually performed earlier in the damned match! The match itself is pretty formulaic, Monte not giving poor Dylan much of a chance, and then Pouncing him out of his boots. The whole thing was only a set up to a promo by Monte designed to draw out Christian, and of course the good Captain is all too happy to oblige. Christian tells us (wearing a BADASS new T-Shirt that says “Got Charisma” on it) that he is in no way sweating Monte Brown or anyone else, and that as long as he is champ, TNA will have NO glass ceiling. It looks like there is about to be a mike duel when instead CCCC whips out one of my favorite jokes (from eighth grade, anyway). Now if an eighth grader asks Monte what the capitol of Thailand is, he’ll know to cover up! I guess that Christian decided to take a play from old JJ, and show Monte what Slapnuts was all about! They get into it, and a bunch of refs pull them apart. Even Larry Zbysco came out to break it up. I have been a fan of the living legend since he broke Syxxxxxxx’s neck with a guillotine back in WCW. They are really giving this match a nice build. I am looking forward to the clash of styles here (sorry AJ). Speed and style versus raw aggression and power. Really nice. BTW, it’s great to see CCCC with a damn belt again. Damn shame the way he’s been wasted in the past.
Next we see America’s Most Wanted and Gail Kim preparing for Ron “The Truth” Killings and Rhino (with an I not a Y). JJ and Alex Shelley interrupt their little chat to say that they have Sting footage that will prove that the man is retired. I have to say that Alex Shelley’s new gimmick is pretty awesome. They say that Sting is retired, but JJ is just plain tired, without the prefix. I am so over this guy’s act. When you are a heel who can make everyone hate you, you rule. When you are forced to be a heel because everyone hates you, it’s time to go away, at least for a while. Listen up, Jeff, NO ONE CARES!
We head back to Mike Tenay and Don West, and I see that no one has kidnapped him yet. Hell, put Jake the Snake in that spot. If you are going to have a fat drunk in the announce position, at least let it be one that we can respect. Jake entertained me when I was a young man, and he needs a job.
The next match is Roderick Strong versus the Phenomenal 1, AJ Styles. They have been building Rod up to be, well, Strong. They have been calling him the Messiah of the Backbreaker. That’s a pretty strong moniker to put on somebody that you are going to job out, even to a guy as good as Styles. The match is good, and Roderick even shows that he has a little bit of a backbone (pun intended). However, the outcome is pretty much a foregone conclusion. It really doesn’t matter, because the story here goes WAY deeper than who got pinned (Strong did, BTW). They have had AJ on a slow burn for a heel turn for a while now. If you notice, he works this match really stiff, and when he wins, he doesn’t even let the ref raise his hand. If this doesn’t end up in AJ going ape-shit all over someone for all the wrong reasons, then they are really wasting some serious potential. On a side note, Christopher Daniels was at the announce table all during this match, building himself up (naturally) and letting us know how great the next Ultimate X is going to be, with himself, AJ, and Samoa Joe. There’s even a funny bit where Daniels calls Joe “Sloppy Joe”.
Before I go on, I have to give one last nod to Roderick Strong. The Messiah of the Backbreaker had three attempts in this match, well, three that I caught, anyway. There was a nice forward flip (by AJ) over the top rope, into a backbreaker, a Rock Bottom type maneuver into a backbreaker, and a failed attempt at a half nelson into (you guessed it) a backbreaker. I get that backbreakers are this guy’s thing, but damn, his knee sure has to be sore.
In the back, Gail Kim finds Jackie, and gives her something to wear from JJ. Five gets you ten that there will be cleavage. Oh yes, there will be cleavage.
Hey look, another match. This pits the James Gang (Kip and BG) against Team Canada (who are represented this week by A1, Bobby Roode, and of course, the ever annoying Scott D’amore.) Kip and BG come out, and you can tell that they are having the time of their lives. Sadly Team Canada doesn’t let them finish their DX Redeux.
Okay, some notes on Team Canada. They work well together, but there needs to be some pruning. First A1. This guy has a great look, and some good, raw talent. They need to put him in some solo programs to work him to his full potential. Petey, Bobby, Devine (who I don’t remember seeing in a while) and the rest could do well without A1, and it would make Roode the big guy on the team again. I have one other pruning idea, but I think I’ll save it for a bit.
Anyway, LAX comes in for the cheap shot, giving the maple suckers a victory, and setting up a Mexican hat dance on the James Gang. Of course, Bullet Bob comes down for the save. Let me state, for the record, that while my disbelief wasn’t raised for a SECOND, I love that they are giving Bob Armstrong this retirement party. This guy has worked to entertain people for forty years or so. He deserves this. So all of you who say that he doesn’t make for good TV can shut the hell up. Any day that I get to see three Latino thugs run from a 66 year-old man (who isn’t packing heat) is a good day, amigos.
They go on to show an Ultimate X promo that is really nothing more than a whole lot of HOLY SHIT moments cut into interview bits by people that have been in the match.
Next up we get Shark Boy (sans Lava Girl) versus the evil, nasty, bad-ass second coming of Tazz, Samoa Joe. The bill SB as being from the Deep Blue Sea, but Joe proves that one man CAN be an island, and if that isle is Samoa, then sharks better get lost. Joe of course gets the Muscle Buster, which looks nasty, but the move of the night has to go to the Shark Bite. Anyone who expects us to believe that he can bite someone through a full facemask, and GETS THE OTHER GUY TO SELL IT deserves to have the move of the night.
We get a Ron Killings promo after Samoa Joe finishes cutting himself some new wrestling trunks from the remains of Shark Boy. The promo is decent, letting us know that Ron is sorry for the crimes he committed (I wonder if they are pulling from real life here.) He’s proud (and rightly so) to have been the first Afro-American to attain the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. He tries again to get the “Suntanned Superman” thing over. Not sure if I like it. This guy is due for a makeover. More seriousness, and less dancing would do him well. I’m not knocking him, but he needs to get right. If they are going to do these sorts of promos, then Ron needs to get down. Maybe drop his name, and just become The Truth.
Killings then teams up with the (newly dubbed) War Machine Rhino. I guess Heyman is working on a new Man Beast, and wanted the name back. I can deal with Rhino being called War Machine, but I keep seeing him as a black dude in gray armor. Anyway, the Truth Machine is set to take on AMW for the titles. I don’t get why they let James Storm bring beer to the ring. Is he ASPIRING to be Scott Hall? Anyway, we get a bit of comedy gold when the Truth steals Storm’s hat, and proceeds to wrestle with it on. Rhino, as usual, is all power and brutality. I love this guy. There is no quit in Rhino. Every move he does looks PAINFULL. Abyss interrupts the match, taking out the War Machine, and giving AMC the win.
This brings us to the real problem with TNA iMPACT. A one hour show is just not enough time to really showcase the talent that they have on the roster. We are almost done, and we haven’t seen Jay Lethal, The Naturals, Austin Aries, Sabin, Jeff Hardy, Jerry Lynn, Matt Bently, Petey Williams, Team 3D, or Shannon Moore. We only got to see Sonjay Dutt in an interview, and there’s a bunch of other guys I didn’t mention. Guys like Sabu. If you have Jerry Lynn and Sabu on the same roster, how can you justify not giving them at least half an hour to try to kill themselves, and each other.
We end things with JJ’s viewing party. Jackie ends up in a French maid’s outfit (gimme my five dollars). Alex Shelley is supposed to have video proof that Sting is retired. The video is actually pretty dull, but Shelley’s commentary is hilarious. I loved the opening graphic.
Paparazzi Films, in Association with Alex Shelley Production…
Absolutely great stuff. “Showtime” Eric Young, however, is not convinced. He is so convinced, in fact, that he refuses to be known as “Showtime” any more. “That’s his thing. It’s Showtime Folks. I’m just Eric. Eric Young.” Great stuff. This brings me to my next pruning of Team Canada. Eric Young has great charisma. He needs to become the Prophet of Sting. You could even team him up with the Messiah of the Backbreaker. They could go around beating up people who don’t believe in Sting. Of course, Mr. Borden would have to eventually come along and set them straight. Eh, it’s just an idea.
Anyway, tonight’s MVP (as picked by me) has to Alex Shelley. Though we haven’t seen him in action for a while, he is totally committed to this Paparazzi gimmick, and it really works. Alex Shelley is In The Zone.
If you are still here, thanks for reading my first ever TNA: In The Zone. I welcome any questions or comments.
Later!
Dougie
icarusfallz@yahoo.com
