Argh. What’s worse then a night with at least twenty minutes devoted to a “Kiss My Ass” promo? How about a Women’s Championship angle advancement match? How about a month of HHH promos? I’m getting some pretty bad vibes from tonight’s Raw. Hopefully, I’m wrong but I can feel it in my bones, like an old man feeling rain coming on (or is it a Matlock marathon, I can never remember which).
I’m Tom Pandich and here’s your live Raw coverage for this week. Foley responds to Edge, Shelton celebrates being intercontinental champion, and we start getting the fall out from HHHHHHHHHH’s title win last week. Around the (wrasslin) pulse, Grut wrote about why TNA will surpass the WWE. I couldn’t disagree more for two reasons.
1. TNA’s X-Division title is more prestigious then there world title at the moment. Is there any other reason why Samoa Joe has not gone for the heavyweight title despite having a massive winning streak?
2. TNA’s upper card has about two (three if you count Monty) legitimate NWA World Title candidates not in the grievous bodily harm division or in the X-Division. People who are going after what’s supposed to be the most prestigious title in professional wrestling should not ALWAYS be belting each other with cookie sheets when they don’t have a title shot.
I want TNA to succeed (mostly because I can drive an hour and a half and catch their show for free), but TNA needs to establish a legit upper card that isn’t concerned with capturing the X-Division Title as priority #1. The opportunity is there for TNA to take over as the #1 promotion but they have a much longer road to go then, “Once they get prime time exposure every week, they will become a true #2 company. Then they will become a #1 company.”
Oh and besides the awful Steph match and maybe, maybe, the ambulence match with Kane when has either Vinnie Mac or Shane-o-Mac ever not had an entertaining match? Hell, even Shane/Test was fun. Ok, enough ranting. Raw starts in a bit and I’ll be with you all night.
I’m experiencing some technical difficulties and rebooting my other computer. Expect more recaps in just a few minutes
I’m back here’s what you’ve missed.
We are LIVE from Washington DC. Tonight was a super show so be sure to check out Steve Murray’s Smackdown Spoilers here. We start out the evening with a video recap of the Spirit Squad being manhandled by Shawn, followed by a beat down, followed by a Marty Jannety save, followed by the whole Kiss My Ass club bullshit. Fireworks and it’s go time!
Lita and Edge come down to the ring. Lita looks as smoking as she has since turning heel. Edge looks like he finished a hard day of painting. Edge gets right to business and calls out Foley. Edge says Foley best option for April 2nd is not writing another book no one will read or “whoring himself out to some crappy indy fed”. Ouch. Edge has plane tickets for two to Long Island and he’ll go get him tonight. Edge is about to leave and HERE COMES FOLEY.
Foley comes out and says that Edge chokes and that he is a THREE TIME transitional champion. Foley turns Edge down for Wrestlemania and says that he has nothing to prove. Edge says if he’s the Rated-R Superstar, then Foley is the Rated-O Superstar, O for overrated. Edge says Foley has never had a “real” Wrestlemania win where as Edge is undefeated. Foley says that Edge is right. Foley could never beat Edge in a wrestling match. Edge is younger, faster, and he cares a whole lot more about Foley then Foley does about Edge. Foley challenges Edge not to a wrestling match, but to a hardcore match. Foley grabs Barbie and chases Edge out of the ring.
In the back, Kane and the Big Show are seen walking to the ring. They’re defending the titles”¦ NEXT.
We’re back with our first Saturday Night Main Event promo.
World Tag Team Title Match: The Big Show and Kane vs Val Venis and Viscera: No comment necessary
Val starts out hitting Kane to no avail. Val realizes he can’t take Kane out so he gets an eye poke in before Kane takes over. Big boot from Kane. Side slam by Kane. Kane sets Venis up for a vertical suplex, but Val slips out. He takes out Kane’s knee and then hits a bulldog. Kane sits up and Val gets the hell out.
Big Vis gets tagged in and a huge “Let’s go Mabel” chant gets going. Vis lands a huge Samoan Drop on Kane which incapacitates Kane for a moment. Kane tags Big Show in and Big Show goes to work on Mabel. Big Show nails a huge shoulderblock followed by an even bigger scoop slam. Kane takes out Val and it’s a double chokeslam on Viscera. That’s all she wrote.
Winners and Still Champions: Kane and the Big Show
The Coach has an interview with John Cena tonight. We’ll see how that goes after this break.
We’re back and its time for backstage antics. We start out with Flair with new guy Todd. He says his business. Now it’s time for Marty Jannety and Shawn. Marty doesn’t have a car and has been eating cat food or some shit. He asks Shawn to stay out of his business tonight. We end with Carlito and Maria. Tonight, we’ve got three qualifying matches for Money in the Bank where the opponents are randomly assigned. Carlito gets some potshots at Maria and is fast on his way to becoming the most entertaining heel on Raw at the moment. Commercial time.
Wrestlemania is a mere 34 days away. We start out with our first Money in the Bank qualifying match. Trevor Murdock is in the ring and here comes”¦..ROB VAN DAM!
RVD vs Trevor Murdock: Can rednecks fly?
Murdock gets a jump on RVD as he comes in. RVD battles back with his sweeps. Murdock battles back with “offense”. Back and forth offense causes Murdock to bail. RVD tries the high risk maneuver and misses. RVD gets rolled back in and a minor Trevor Murdock chant gets started up. It is overwhelmed by a HUUUUUGGGE RVD chant. The DC crowd is muy caliente tonight. RVD battles out of the rest hold and gets destroyed by a clothesline for two. Murdock locks on the side headlock and RVD battles up. RVD is tossed into the corner by Murdock. Murdock misses the charge and lands his shoulder into the ring post. RVD hits a big bicycle kick in the corner followed by a Monkey Flip in the opposite corner. Rolling Thunder gets two.
Murdock gets up and tries for a side suplex which RVD flips through. Murdock catches the foot but eats RVD’s spinning heel kick. ***** Frog Splash and its over. Crowd explodes behind RVD.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Women’s title match is next.
We’re back and WWE was in the Philippines. No wonder Christian quit.
Mickie James introduces Trish and is, as usual, flipping out.
Winner: Trish Stratus
Opps, that was a tad early, wasn’t it. Ah shit. Here comes Torrie Wilson to introduce Candice Michelle.
Trish Stratus vs Candice Michelle: Playboy pimp match
Trish has been champ for 14 months. Wow, that’s impressive in this day and age (even though she was out for a good chunk of that time). Candice hits Trish with that stupid wand and then there’s “back and forth action”. Finish comes when Candice Michelle grabs the ropes to try and win the match but Trish rolls her through.
Winner and still Champion: Trish Stratus
Mickie attempts to eat Trish out and Trish is weirded out. The Coach pimps his interview with Cena which is next (after commercials).
On WWE Unlimited Candice bitchslaps Torrie. Thank goodness for the Internet.
Coach introduces Cena to the most mixed reaction he’s had in quite some time. Cena has a new shirt. Lawler tries to cover the boos for Cena by saying that they’re for Coach. Coach starts going off about how Cena is going to win, Cena grabs the mic, and here comes HHHHHHHHHH! Trips gets some cheers as he spends an hour getting to the ring. Triple H sends Coach away and he’s going to conduct the interview! Hurrah”¦
Triple H says how can Cena think he’ll beat Triple H? Cena sucks chants start when he starts. Cena says that he doesn’t have Triple H’s resume and he doesn’t have these people’s respect. Cena does have the title though and that is all that matters. Triple H says excuse me for not being afraid of someone who’s main move is to pump up his Reeboks. Triple H starts talking about transitional champions and how he’s going to be champ again soon.
Triple H says he doesn’t doubt Cena’s toughness, hell, he’s seen Cena get up from some of the worst ass kickings ever. Cena is like Rocky but unlike the movies, Rocky won’t outsmart the bad guys. Cena then says that Triple H has won him $50 in a pool. The crowd is way behind Trips for this promo despite Cena cutting one hell of a promo. Cena says that he may not be the best athlete in the company and Triple H may be able to come out and say that he’s the best athlete and folks turn around and look at each other and say “yeah, he’s probably right”. Still, on the long list of great superstars Triple H has beaten, he still hasn’t beaten Cena.
The promo is interrupted by Vinnie Mac who has a big announcement about Saturday Night Main Event. The main event at this event will be John Cena and Triple H vs Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, and Kurt Angle. That’s a pretty interesting match up I say. We go to commercial from that after a pretty interesting promo.
We get shots of the troops and here comes the Intercontinental Champion. This is for the second spot in Money in the Bank. Shelton is going to be facing”¦. Chavo Guerrero!
The Mexican vs The Black Guy: Who will have the natural ladder climbing advantage?
Eddie chants start up, but Shelton takes over. Chavo counters with some European uppercuts, but gets dropped. Chavo takes over again by hitting a series of moves capped off with a standing dropkick. Shelton misses the Stinger Splash, and eats a crazy tilt-a-whirl head scissors. Chavo then nails two of the three amigos, but Shelton blocks the third. Shelton dumps Chavo and the ref gets distracted by Big Momma. The ref helps Big Momma back to her chair and Chavo counters a vertical suplex into a huge DDT. Someone runs into the ring! RKO on Chavo. Randy bails and Shelton gets the pinfall.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Later tonight its the Kiss My Ass club. Goodie!
We’re back and we get Bret Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and inductee number 3 is”¦”¦ MEAN GENE OKERLUND! We get the best of Mean Jean’s interviews including a montage of Hogan. In fact, Hogan is inducting him. I was hoping Gene would be inducted by Bobby Heenan. Mean Jean is the first announcer to be inducted into the hall of fame (I guess Gorilla and “The Brain” don’t count). The Coach says it’s not too long until another great announcer gets inducted. He looks over at Jerry Lawler and then says “ME!” Good line from Coach.
We’re in the back with Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon. Shawn says don’t make Marty kiss your ass, Vince says stay out of my business. Short and to the point.
Carlito comes down to the ring for his money in the bank qualifying match. Who’s his opponent? Why it’s Mr. Commercial!
My computer crashes for a second time tonight and I am only comforted by the sweet nothings of my own personal Ms. Elizabeth. Luv you Lizzles.
We’re back and Carlito’s opponent is”¦ Ric Flair!
Ric Flair vs Carlito: Man tits aren’t cool.
Carlito takes over on Flair and dominates the early part of the match. Flair gets moved to the corner and Carlito gets a big slap in Flair face. Huge series of chops from Flair and Carlito bails like a Cuban from a bath tub with too many holes. That takes us to commercial.
We’re back and Carlito hit the back cracker during the break and the Nature Boy is on the floor. Carlito dropped Ric with a huge back drop. Carlito brings Flair back in with a suplex for two and then locks on a chin lock. Carlito gets powered out and gets hit with two chops. Carlito ducks the third and hits an enziguiri on Flair for two. Carlito misses the knee drop and Flair nails him with some chops. Flair goes to the top, Carlito looks to toss him off the top but Flair counters with an eye poke. Flair goes for a crossbody but eats a standing drop kick on the way down.
Carlito has had enough and goes out for his apple. He takes a big bite out of it and Flair nails him. Roll up by Flair. Flair’s got the ropes! It’s over!
Winner: Ric Flair!
Carlito looks shocked, SHOCKED I SAY!
In the back, Vince checks out his ass. We go to commercial for hopefully the last time tonight.
Undertaker and Kurt Angle are having a rematch for the title this Friday on Smackdown. Check our live Smackdown Spoilers if you’re wondering who won that.
It’s THE SPIRIT SQUAD! They give their worst cheer yet, but they sure as heck are enthusiastic. Here comes Vince. He gives the Spirit Squad a heartfelt good bye. Vince gives us a history of the Rockers and why Marty Jannetty is going to kiss his ass. Jannetty comes down to his old music and ITS TIME FOR THE EIGHTIES!
Vinnie Mac talks to Jannetty about how he needs this job and how everyone in this arena kisses their boss’s ass every day. Vince tells Marty to get on his knees, twice, and then a third time! Why it’s time for Vince’s ass! Vince says his ass is magnificent and wiggles it. Marty is hesitant. He gets up and then he says that he won’t kiss his ass. Marty wants some other way to gain employment. Vince calls out Chris Masters and here he comes, gay sparklers and all.
Apparently Jannetty needs to break the Masterlock to win a contract. The Masterlock is attached and Marty is fighting it. He looks like he’s going to break it, but Vince kicks him and Masters lays it on. Vince McMahon drops his pants and here comes Shawn Michaels with a chair! Shawn drops Masters but gets nailed by Shane who pops out from under the ring. He nails Shawn and then is hit with a chair. Michaels is out and Shawn is forced to kiss Vince’s ass! Vince also announces that Shawn and Shane will have a street fight at Saturday Night Main Event and Vince vs Shawn is officially announced for Wrestlemania. We get replays of the ass kissing and we are out for the night.
