The Monday Night Rabble

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So.. we just watched

Skating With Celebreties…

Never has there been

more Cutting Edge jokes…. Ever.

Only on:

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

So yeah… we watched Skating With Celebreties. I didn’t even know this show existed. How come nobody told me that this was on before Raw? I get to make Dave Coulier jokes (CUT IT OUT! COME ON!) as well as Christie Swanson as Buffy jokes? THIS SHOW IS COMEDY GENIUS!

Okay.. talking about comedy genius… let’s talk about Raw:

Tonight:
Marty Jannety joins the Kiss My Ass Club…. BLARGH!!
Mick Foley answers Edge’s challenge……… OBVIOUS!
Finally, Trish vs. Candice……………… ….woo?

Joining us tonight are:
‘Ice Castles’ Chris
‘Cutting Edge’ Hernandez
‘Slapshot’ Jenna
‘Miracle’ Michael
‘Mighty Ducks’ Dani
…and your host, Me – James Hatton

Now we are coming back to something I started awhile ago.. it’s time to bring back THE WAN FILES – This week we are going to give to you one of the two ladies of the Monday Night Rabble. It is time to introduce to you none other than JENNA!

NAME: Jen
AGE: 20
NICKNAMES: Gadget, Frostfire
FAVORITE MOVIE: The Pest, Hellboy, Lil Pimp
FAVORITE BANDS: Evanescence, Sublime, Kiss
FAVORITE WRESTLER: Rey Mysterio, Lita (The Early Years)
FAVORITE WRESTLING MOMENT:
Kurt Angle/Triple H/Rock
Me getting in the ring with Ballz Mahoney
FAVORITE BAD GIMMICK: Heidenreich & Al Snow
LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER: Iron Sheik
FAVORITE MOVE: Bulldog
ANY WORDS TO SAY JENNA?: Fuck The Rabble.


She’s the one on the left.
You might learn who the one on the right is.. IN TWO WEEKS!!!!

So the debut last week of the Spirit Squad versus the Shawn Michaels.
“Trampopoline!” – Chris
“Damn right Trampopoline!” – Me

Oh and the return of your prison victim and mine.. Marty Jannety!

So we get a retrospective on Vince’s Ass Club..
“I think even Vince’s ass has a butt-chin..” – Hernandez

The pyro hits….
“Does someone hear Great White?” – Chris

Here comes Edge and Lita! Our curtain jerking favorites!
“..we get it.. she has a chest…” – Chris
“It’s amazing what water balloon technology can do” – Jenna

Edge has a mic. “Time’s up Mick Foley. It’s been a week since I challenged you. I don’t know what you got planned for April 2nd… if you are going to whore yourself out at another indy show. Are you going to write another book that nobody’s going to read. I think this is a better idea. So what’s it going to be Mick…”

He then produces two plane tickets to Long Island. Threatening to go to Long Island to find Mick since HE STOPPED EDGE FROM MAIN EVENTING WRESTLEMANIA!

Well before they get a chance to leave, here comes Mick. “Edge, you’ve got it all wrong. It’s not that I’m not man enough to come to -WASHINGTON, DC- it was you who lost to John Cena at the Royal Rumble. It was YOU who lost to John Cena two weeks ago on Raw. So if you are looking for someone to blame Edge, blame yourself. You had it, and you choked.”
“For more information on choking… see Lita.” – Me

“Yes or no Mick?” – Edge
“No. See, you once called me a transitional champion. I was a transitional champion… THREE TIMES! I am the greatest Transitional Champion of all times!” – Mick
“Genius.” – Me

Edge exclaims that if he’s Rated ‘R’ – then Mick should be rated ‘O’ for ‘Overrated’…. erm… lameish.
“You are just upset because Christian has a title..” – Edge

Edge explains that Mick has never had that legend making win at Wrestlemania. Edge has. He’s never lost at Wrestlemania… but Mick has never sealed the Wrestlemania-Deal.

“You are right. IF I had a Wrestlemania match against you… I’d lose. You are younger. You are in better shape. And you give a whole bigger damn about me than I give about you.” – Mick

So then Mick suggests they make it a Hardcore match. To sweeten the pot he’s going to come back with something to make him really want this match. He then comes back with a baseballbat with barbed wire.
“Can we just have him win? How many times did Triple H beat him down?” – Dani

In the back, on the low crotch cam. Kane and Big Show are on their way out right now.

COMMERCIAL

And here they come.. the tag team champs… weighing at approximately…
“Everything.” – Me
“So I guess they are losing tonight.” – Hernandez

And they are facing Val Venis & Viscera.
“Nope, not losing tonight…” – Me

SHOW KANE vs. VAL VISCERENIS
nope… not losing…

Kane starts with Val, and Kane no sells some punches. A shouldercheck. So Val eyepokes him, hits the ropes and eats a boot.

Kane picks him up and slams him to the turnbuckle. A punch to the gut… an elbow to the head… and a bounce off the turnbuckle and a sideslam from Kane. Stalling suplex from Kane gets reversed and Val clips his leg followed by a sitting bulldog. Val freaks and tags in our Blueberry tonight – Viscera
“It’s like watching a plastic bag wrestle…” – Chris
“It should say Hefty on his ass..” – Jenna
“Is that a ‘Let’s Go Mable’ chant?” – Hernandez

So Mable gets a samoan drop, and Kane tag in Big Show who hits a BIG SHOULDER on Viscera… then a bunch of kicks around the ring followed by a bodyslam from Big Show to Viscera. A leg drop… and a pin for two – as Val stops it with a double axe. Kane climbs up to the top and a HUGE clothesline throws Val outside the ring.

Double chokeslam city from Kane and Show.. and that’s that.
“AAAaaannd it’s oovvverrrr…
They’re curtain jerrrkerrrsss all night long…” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL

Last week – Shelton won the IC title from Ric Flair.

Now Todd’s in the back with Ric Flair. What does Ric have to say about losing the IC Belt?

“Todd, what you may or may not know – last week I had my 57th Birthday. Fifteen years ago people were telling me I had celebrated my last title run. Each and everyday though, the Nature Boy is better and better everyday. If you think the Nature Boy has

In the back, Marty looks.. pensive.
“..the acid’s wearing off…” – Hernandez

Shawn tries to convince Marty that he doesn’t have to kiss Vince’s ass.
“As long as there is no Barbershop around..” – Hernandez

Marty then addresses that he doesn’t have a job… hell, he doesn’t have a car. He tells Shawn to stay out of it, let him take care of it. He needs this job.

In the back it’s MARIA! ….with Carlito…. Carlito says ‘Your beauty is only matched by your wisdom’ in Spanish. Carlito has been granted his Money In The Bank match for Wrestlemania.

If that’s all the Maria we get.. I’ll be upset.

COMMERCIALS

Now it’s time for a Money In The Bank Qualifying Match…

Isn’t that nice.

Now who is he meeting?

SWAMPASS vs. TREVOR MURDOCH
RVD doesn’t care match…

So Trevor tries to attack RVD at the get going, but RVD tosses him to the corner and a flip and leg trip followed by a few dropkicks keeps Trevor down. He hits a rolling thunder, and Trevor gets up in time for him to kick Rob.

Rob catches, steps over the leg, and rolls into a leg lock. He rolls to the ropes and Trevor holds on and out of the ring. At this point RVD runs to the turnbuckle, leaps to the outside and BOUNCES his head off the barricade.
“This match brought to you.. by Advil” – Michael

In the ring, Trevor drags RVD in and clubs him to the back of the head, a chinlock and a headslam sends RVD down. Pin for two from Murdoch.

Now he puts him in a sleeper… RVD gets to his feet and hits the ropes, but eats a clothesline.
“RVD.. just grab his muttonchops.” – Me

Murdoch sends RVD to the corner, charges but eats boot…
“So now the end of the match… sorry Trevor” – Chris

RVD does the sidekick. The spinning heel into the corner. The against the ropes spinning heel. The Rolling THunder only gets Rob two…

Trevor tries to hit a boot, but it’s caught and a spinning kick. A five star splash. Van Dam wins.
“I can’t believe Rob Van Dam won!” – Chris
“WHAT?!?!?” – Hernandez
“*starts laughing*” – Chris

COMMERCIAL

So the WWE went to the Phillapines.
“CENA BOOMBAYAY.. CENA BOOMBAYAY” – Me

So in my weekly back and forth with Penny, our Canadian Lesbian. She had this to say on Trish:

I swear I’m the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH who noticed Trish was wearing a lesbian t-shirt on Raw.

That’s called foreshadowing kids.

She and I had a back and forth discussing the lesbian symbology of the ‘YES, WE CAN DO IT’ shirt – and hey.. if it’s true. You heard it from a lesbian here first. What other report has it’s on ‘LESBIAN ON THE SPOT!’ Only the Rabble dammit!

Now, Mickey James in the ring…
“She just materialized there…” – Hernandez
“She looks.. buoyent..” – Hernandez

So introduces Trish. They seem kind of happy with each other. So lets find out…
“Snickers.. It’s only satisfying if you eat it… that sounds amusing” – Michael

So now comes out Torrie.. talking… where she shouldn’t. But here comes Candice!

So Trish is wearing a white lil zippery thing, and Candice is got a corset number with gold strings… and SHE is winning so far.

TRISH vs. CANDICE
Let’s see how it goes…

Candice charges in and hits her with the wand. A kick to the gut and chokes her high kick to the throat against Trish… A knee or two to Trish’s gut and does the twirl in the ring…

She charges Trish, and gets a leg aught. Trish drops her and punches her a few times in her Go Daddy. Candice goes for a clothesline, Trish drops back and sends Candice into the corner for her OWN high choke to the corner. Now Candice chokes trips Trish out of nowhere and chokes her against the ropes.
“SHE’S CHOKING.. undo the shirt!” – Hernandez

Trish gets her to her feet and tries to pull Candice down, but she drops and holds to Torrie.. ONE.. TWO… No.. The ref sees it and Trish rolls Candice in for the pin.

..amazingly god givingly short.

WINNER: TRISH

So Mickie praises Trish and ends up with her face in her crotch. HA! THAT’S COMEDY!
“Trish rhymes with fish!” – Me

COMMERCIAL

During the commercial, Torrie goes smacked by Candice. So Candice goes face.
“Wait.. just by smacking Torrie?” – Dani
“Yep. Just like that.” – Me
“Wouldn’t it be smarter to make Torrie the bad guy, and Candice can just get meaner and meaner?” – Dani
“………..yeah that could work too.” – Me

Dammit, she might be right.

Hey in the ring, Coach introduces the champ.. it’s time to talk to the World Champ… who is in fact… HEERRREEE…

The crowd is mixed again, and Lawler tries to sell that the boos are for the Coach.
“Put him back with Maria.. I’ll cheer him!” – Me

Coach razzes on Cena and just as John is about to talk.
“Ya know.. I heard it’s time to play the game..” – Chris
“You think Motorhead gets royalties?” – Hernandez
“I’m sure they do..” – CHris
“Triple H looking particularly dry tonight.” – Michael

Yep.. here comes Hunter.

So Hunter grabs the mic. He sends Coach to the outside and Trips is going to do the interview it seems. He wants to here John Cena say that he can beat Hunter.
“With a Cena sucks chant to boot…” – Me
“Who do you root for?” – Dani

“I’ve been here for four years. When I walked through the door you probably said ‘that jackoff won’t last two weeks’. I did. I lasted long enough to get a main event shot against the king of kings at Wrestlemania 22.”
“Jesus?” – Michael

“I’ll be honest with you man. I don’t have your resume. Apparently like these people. I don’t have your respect. I do have something that you don’t…. I have this (the title).”

Hunter takes the mic. “Don’t mind me if I’m not scared of the man whose big move is pumping up his Reeboks. So you are the champ… and since you are the champ while being champ…”
“Champ champ champ” – Hernandez

Hunter then explains how Cena is a transitional champion. How it’s just a matter of time before Hunter holds that title again.
“But he hasn’t held that belt…” – Me

So Hunter keeps flubbing his lines. Discusses how Cena always gets up and gets up and gets up.. just like….
“Crash Holly” – Hernandez

Cena announces that he just won $50 in a ‘I know what Hunter is going to say bet’ in the back. Cena wants to know what makes Hunter different than any other wrestler in the back.
“He’s got….. personality.. what? personality… talk? personality..” – Michael

Cena knows he’s not the greatest wrestler. Fact.
“Listerine kills germs.” – Michael
Hunter has beaten every person in that back locker room. Fact.
That, though, doesn’t make Cena scared or afraid.
“On that long line of superstars that you’ve decimated on your way up to the top. There is one name not on that list. John Cena.”
“Way to sign up junior” – Hernandez

Wait! It’s Vince! On the Titantron! He wants them to know on Saturday Night’s Main Event, they are going to be tag team partners facing the three people on the Smackdown’s Main Event at Wrestlemania. Cena & Triple H vs. Rey Mysterio & Randy Orton & Kurt Angle.

Well THAT’S a way to end a promo.

COMMERCIAL

So here comes Shelty with Mama who is carrying the belt.
“Awww, a title cozy.” – Hernandez
“Is she defending the belt?” – Dani

OOOoooo CHAAAVOOooooo
“NICE!” – All of us

SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Money In The Bank Qualifyer

Lock up and beat down begins from Shelty. Benjamin with the european uppercuts… and some big quick exchanges with Chavo sliding underneath Shelton and Shelton catching him on the way back and throwing him high up into the air and punchign a few times in the head.

Shelty chokes him against the ropes. A snapmare from Chavo in a chinlock. He fights out of it and punches to the gut. Chavo hits a flying crossbody. A bunch of tight dropkicks, and Chavo is ahead of it right now.

He sends Benjy to the corner… Reversed.. Shelty takes the leap and misses. Then the huge spinning hurricanrana. Then the three amigo suplex only gets two and Chavo gets tossed out. Mama orders Shelty to the outside and Chavo and Shelty fight it out while the ref is caught up with Mama…

Shelton in the ring hits the stalling suplex… but Chavo reverses it! Nice ddt!

Swee—Shit! RKO FROM RANDY ORTON!?

Yes. I meant that. Randy Orton comes in. RKO, and that’s that…. Shelty hits the pin.

WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN

And the Rabble is in accordance… LET THIS EDDIE GUERRERO REVENGE BIT END ALREADY!!!!

COMMERCIAL

Also joining the Hall of Fame at Wrestlemania: MEAN GENE!
“LEMME TELL YA MEAN GENE!” – Hulk

So in the back… Vince is talking on the phone and here comes Shawn Michaels.

“This is between you and me…” – Shawn
“Let me kiss your ass.” – Michael
“…please leave Marty out of this” – Shawn
“Why doesn’t SHAWN give him the money?” – Hernandez

Vince goes for the highroad of discussing France’s President kissing our President’s ass…. he then explains that if Shawn interrupts he might end up in the Kiss My Ass club.

Now though…

He spits in the face of things that aren’t cool… but first —

COMMERCIAL

Who will be facing?
“So he’s been standing there that whole time?” – Michael
“Yes, and his hair has grown in that time.” – Hernandez
“Soon he’ll have a tree in there” – Jenna

WOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!

CARLITO vs. RIC FLAIR
Money In The Bank Qualifier

They circle a bit.. and lock-up. Side takedown from Ric. Carlito gets to his feet, and against the ropes. Carlito shoulders Flair. Then hits the ropes and a hiptoss from Ric right into the headlock again.

They roll for a couple short pinfall attempts. Carlito fights to his feet to the corner. Then cheapshots Ric down. Carlito punches him in the corner. Takes a moment to regroup, then Ric comes in with the big chops and a back body drop from Flair… more chops.
“Isn’t that Flair’s spot?” – Jenna

Carlito now bails to the outside. Hey look……..

COMMERCIAL

We’re back…
“Wait, are we having a main event kiss my ass?” – Hernandez

Looks like it….

So They are fighting on the outside. Ric eats the backbody drop on the outside. Ouch. Carlito brings Ric to the apron and suplexes him back in. Two count pin. Knee to the back from Carlito.

Ric fights out of it and throws some chops.. then Flair Flop. Pin from Carlito for two.

Carlito drops a kneepad, fakes the strut, hits the ropes and a huge knee – but Flair moves and gets chopped down. A couple more times.
“OLE!” – Hernandez
“That strut gets sadder each time I see it” – Hernandez

Flair gets to the top turnbuckle. Carlito runs in and eats the thumb to the eye. As Ric leaps, he gets dropkicked right in the middle of the ring. Ouch.

So now Carlito runs outside and gets an apple.
“Aww, he wanted a snack.. that’s cute.” – Hernandez

He comes in.. turns around, eats a boot to the face from Ric. Apple spot! Carlito falls and Ric grabs the ropes and drops on him… He gets it!

WINNER: RIC FLAIR!

In the back.. Vince is dropping his pants and checking out his ass.
“That is really what I needed to see..” – Dani
“YOu have to admit, that’s a tight ass…” – Me
“Thanks for that.” – Chris

COMMERCIAL

In the ring.. it’s THE SPIRIT SQUAD!

Their synch is horrible! We don’t care… they are the Spirit Squad!

Here comes Vince.

So Vince discusses Shawn’s career, and his ‘mediocre’ rise to the top.
“Grand Slam Champion” – Hernandez

He discusses Marty’s plummet to the bottom.
“He sells pogs for crack…” – Michael

So they play some Marty Rockers music and …
“Good god, did they just put that video package together?” – Hernandez
“Like ten minutes ago.. using Power Point” – Me
“They used Ms Paint and a gif animator” – Dani

So Vince tells Marty how horrible his life is.
“Bark Like A Dog!” – Dani
“Pucker up.. Buttercup” – Michael

Vince tells Marty to now get on his knees and do it.
“This is pretty gay…” – Dani
“It was gay back then too…” – Me

Vince then announces ‘Pardon me while I whip this out’.
“Double your money if he asks where the white women at” – Michael

Vince explains to us all about his ass. And then….

Marty tries not to laugh… then stands up and says no, there has to be another way.
“Suck my dick!” – Michael

Vince decides there has to be another way.
“..powdered toast man.. since Bill isn’t here” – Chris
“And to think we were almost able to do a show without him” – Dani
“Thousands of cans of crisco died for this man” – Chris
“They gonna let him break the hold?” – Hernandez
“That would be awesome.” – Chris
“I would mark.” – Me

He does in fact have to break the Masterlock to get a job. Vince even explains to us that it’s really just a full nelson.

So Masters gets it in. Annnnnnnddddd……. Marty gets up to his feet….. ANnnnd…

ANNDDDD

Vince kicks him. Dammit. Now Vince drops his pants. Just as he’s going to make Marty kiss his ass.. here runs Shawn. Shawn tosses Masters and stands there with the chair and Vince with dropped pants.

Wait for it.. here comes… THE MONEY! Shane BAPS Shawn with a chair good and hard.

Now Vince is going to—
“Teabag him.” – Hernandez

Shawn fight Shane in a Streetfight at Main Event.. and Vince insinuates he’ll be facing him at Wrestlemania…
“Where’s Marty?” – Hernandez
“Doing crack under the ring..” – Me

Then an unconscious Shawn gets pushed into Vince’s ass….. and that’s the show.
“Shane wins the Dapper Dave Suit Award of the night” – Dani

So another show with only a month away from Wresltemania… we’ll see you next week kids!