In Memoriam: General Robert Scott, who now gets to find out if God will really let him have the pilot’s seat.
Oh, boy, I’m stuck for a lead again. Ah, what to talk about? Some people have written to ask me to speak about the Kenny Williams/Frank Thomas imbroglio over the weekend. I really don’t want to. Let’s just say that this situation boils down to the fact that Thomas has been a major f*cking whiner for over a decade now and Williams has no patience with whiners. Now that the situation with Thomas’ future employment was settled, Williams let it out. Do I talk about My Beautiful and Beloved getting jobbed on Dancing With The Stars? No, definitely not. You want shit like that, go read one of the TV guys. The Olympics are over, golf is packing and heading to Florida. Is Karl Rove really obsessed with Hitlary? If Rove turns out to be a mercenary like Dick Morris instead of an idealogue, then we might have an answer. But why would Hitlary settle for him? Or could Rove be just like Flea and believe that we need a Clinton back in the White House? I’ll settle for a Democrat instead of a traitor to the American public like any registered Republican, thank you.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, I really am dry. I knew I should have saved that Ted Turner thing for today. This one’s gonna be rough. Fortunately, there is one subject to talk about, and f*ck knows that Hevia is going to have his spiel on it if his brain isn’t too cramped after watching Lady and the Tramp.
You know, that’s the hazard of doing a column like mine. You see, when I started doing this six years ago, I was at sites that had a wrestling news columnist for every day of the week. Of course, six years ago, there was enough news around where we could justify something like this. The thing is, I developed a few habits that have served me well during that time. The first is that I don’t stomp on stories that other people on the site have covered. There are too many columnists out there who do a “column of the week”, wherein they seem to assume that no one else is writing about wrestling in between the time they do their columns, and that everyone’s just waiting to hear their opinions on days-old stories. The thing is, this is the Internet, where instant communication of news is the norm. We are not 60 Minutes, or even a nightly news show. We are in a culture of get-it-now, where we can check into a hotel at 3AM anywhere in the world, flick on CNN or open your laptop and use the hotel’s Wi-Fi or in-room jack, and get the news instead of waiting until the morning paper comes out or hating yourself that you missed the nightly news. Therefore, these types of columns are useless. But people still insist on writing them.
I wasn’t going to be one of those people, I decided from the start. I was going to work in the here-and-now. If anything’s more than a day old, scrap it, unless it’s a story of overriding import. Despite all the site switches, I’ve kept to that philosophy. I don’t like to step on anyone else’s story, even if I have a dissenting viewpoint. That’s why I get pissed off when Hevia or whoever goes on with something I was planning to discuss. I’ve even scrapped parts of columns I’ve already written because someone’s discussing it. But it also leaves me at the mercy of that bitch Fate in giving up good stories at the right time. I’ve been bitched at by people for not including so-and-so in an In Memoriam, and all I could tell them was “Hey, the guy died last Thursday.”
I usually get lucky. I mean, the Drug Policy story came out on Monday. Back in the days when there was still a Nitro, we always had a juicy story coming out from WCW’s backstage area, like a Page/Steiner fight. But they are rarer and rarer. It was something I told all the other news people about five years ago: Vince keeps a tight plug on backstage leaks, and our news will decrease and/or start to extend. It takes weeks for stuff to come out now, courtesy of someone slipping something to Da Meltz, as opposed to having half the WCW and ECW locker rooms with Keller and Meltzer on speed-dial. So I have to rely on what scraps I’m given. Otherwise, I end up like 1bullshit Junior, who thinks that any interview with anyone remotedly connected to wrestling requires putting a summary up and having a pimp for the interviewer that reads like an electronic blow-job, out of sheer desperation for something to justify people paying for their Premium service.
I have no clue why I went on like that. Maybe it’s just a bit of catharsis. I mean, I’ve done pretty well for myself with those scraps. Huge, loyal readership, lots of kids that are trying to rip my style off (plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery), the earned right to scribble anything I want. It’s a good life, really.
Before I get lost, I’d better get on with the Pimps…
THE PIMP SECTION
The Rankings are back! The Rankings are back!
Grut‘s delusions are being publicly flaunted, and he’s enjoying it.
Lucard and I both loved Sanitarium. Terrific game, and I’m not an adventure game type.
Gloomchen printed a little note I sent her last week. It’s just a shame that we have to waste such good correspondence on someone like Axl Rose.
And speaking of Lucard and Gloomchen, they attended a live National Geographic event. Admittedly, there’s not much to do in Minneapolis this time of year other than wait for the icebergs and KG to melt down. But, honestly, if it involves National Geographic and not bare-breasted African women, I’m not interested.
Pandich went live with Raw, as opposed to Murray, who was there. So we were well-represented. As for the answer to the question of whether rednecks can fly, you’ve obviously never flown Southwest, have you?
Pandich, this time in Games mode, is forgiven, because he Kneels Before Zod. It’s that simple, really.
Zarur has his Raw stuff too. You know, honestly, I don’t know why they have two other people doing Raw. After all, they do have me, and that should be good enough. But Pandich, Zarur, Neeley, and the new guy on Impact need a job, I guess, and most of them know what obseiance to make.
Hatton‘s approach is unique enough to forgive him, I guess. But he’s got to learn how to resize photos. I resize all my screen caps before uploading them in order not to stretch out a column. I don’t like scrolling sideways, bitch!
Shaffer reviews Blood Sport. Believe it or not, I was actually going to do this until Jed told me he was already watching it and scribbling. So I let him do the honors. Hey, I just felt like reviewing a DVD.
Vin-man‘s only complaining now about the repulsive necrophilia going on in WWE? Well, better late than never, I guess.
Wallace is back, having recovered from his bout of poisoning due to those girly drinks he constantly pimps.
Goober waxes rhapsodic about some spaz. And no making fun of Geoff Ogilvy. That was one helluva run at the Accenture. And look what he’s done in the space of a year. Last year, he ended up winning the equivalent of the NIT. This year, he took the NCAAs. That deserves praise.
I prefer it when Basilo puts stuff in other than the TV programs that he watches and I do not.
Hatton attended a comic convention that got shut down for overcrowding. Been there, done that, actually. Not a pleasant experience.
Eagle recommends that a number of rappers be taught a physical lesson for being dipshits. No problem from this end.
Paul goes after the indie music snobs.
Next week, Stevens will pretend that a year has passed here and try to explain what happened. Hopefully, by that time, he’ll stop being a whore for Newsarama, although the Aztek pictures can stay. He was cool beyond words.
THE SMACKDOWN SPOILER REPORT RETURNS!
This used to be a tradition with my Wednesday column. I like having supershows around so that I can bring it back once in a while. So, basically, here’s what’s going to happen on Friday night.
Booker will be involved in an Angle Advancement Match, and he’ll be facing Tatanka, because Matt Hardy’s a fickle little bitch.
Randy Orton will face Super Crazy in what the workrate freaks will claim is proof positive that Crazy’s being moved up the ladder. He will be, but in time for One-Night Stand, so be patient.
As said, Matt Hardy is a fickle little bitch. He’s teaming up with Animal in a match against MNM that will feature a turn by someone, but I won’t mention who. It should be obvious anyway.
Finlay and Lashley have a Premature Angle Ejaculation Match. Guys, slow it down. We have SNME and a few Smackdowns before we get to WM.
It’ll be Regal and Burchill facing off, but not this week, next week. Maybe Regal can beat some sense into the youngster. Hey, if anyone can do that, it’s Regal.
Of course, the main will be UT/Angle for the title, and let’s just say that something expected happens, except that it was expected at No Way Out, not here.
That should be enough to entice or nauseate you. Just read the Short Form over the weekend and avoid the show. God knows I can’t.
NASHVILLE CATS
Remember the Drug Policy? Announced by a teary-eyed Vince in the wake of Eddy’s death, praised to the skies by the IWC, until I handily pointed out that he provided absolutely no details about said alleged policy and promised they’d be forthcoming “in a few weeks”, the sign of a true smokescreen, whereupon everyone went handily mum about it? Well, we knew something was up when Vince demanded an all-hands meeting at the supershow on Monday. Some people speculated that this would be a Wave Of Termination based on the recent firings of the Heart Throbs and the Dicks, others thought it’d be that announcement about the Drug Policy that was supposed to take place back in November. Turns out it’s the latter. Yes, they finally have a drug policy. And what a drug policy it is.
You have to ask, why now? Vince jumped the gun on announcing a policy because of Eddy; that’s just pure and simple fact. He wanted to tell the world that any problem with drugs was under control, despite the fact that he had no idea of what “control” was at that point. He needed to shut the mainstream media up about the speculation surrounding Eddy’s death. I think we all agree that that’s what the initial announcement was all about. Since then, no one called him out about “Where’s that drug policy you told us you were implementing?”. I didn’t, frankly, because I thought he was blowing smoke in the first place. I know a PR exercise when I see one. But then came the Olympics and the Austrian coach who won a gold in Cross-Country Fleeing, not to mention Ricky “Getting His Mantra On” Williams and his continued bout with urinalysis. Suddenly, everyone seemed to come out of their coma and realized that Vince had promised us a Drug Policy, so where was it? Well, surprise, surprise, it’s here. Of course, everyone’s now had time to clean up, and if you think that didn’t factor into it, you’re too naive to read this column.
Something like what we had put before us on Monday shouldn’t have taken this long to come up with. You get a price list from three well-known testing labs (which already have the protocols and equipment in place, and they already have a handy-dandy list of Banned Substances at their disposal), hire the cheapest, and decide on the punishment. There’s no union to worry about in this case, no worker revolt to futz around with. It’s Piss Or Leave. The Wellness Program might take a little longer, but that’s not their real concern here. Their concern is to Do Something About Drugs. You get that implemented quickly, then you can handle the Wellness stuff in your sweet time. Of course, if they were serious about doing something about performance enhancers, they would have had something in place when Vince made the first announcement, but I already kicked that particular equine corpse as far as it will go.
If you haven’t read Fingers’ updates or stuff about this anywhere else, let me summarize:
Everyone’s focusing on the punishment aspect. What no one’s focusing on is the wimpiness of the punishment. Your first test is a free pass, even if you do red-flag. They’re excusing this as a “baseline” test. What the hell’s so “baseline” about it? Either you’re using or you’re not using. Your first positive (other than on your free pass) gets you thirty days’ suspension without pay. Your second gets you sixty. Your third means termination. So, how is it that WWE has a lighter punishment policy than Major League Baseball, which has a union to counteract such things on behalf of its clients? If this was serious, they would have chopped off the first offense. Sixty days for a confirmed positive, one chance to clean the f*ck up, termination for second offense, period. They can get away with it. Who’s going to complain? Anyone who does will be branded a malcontent and will be treated as such in the locker room by the people who like their paychecks.
And does this policy really have any teeth? Wrestling is not like any so-called legitimate sport. If you’re nailed for ‘roids in one of those, then your career is essentially over. You can try to get a job in another pro league somewhere, but the prevailing culture in those sports is that users are to be blackballed. If you’re a Raffy Palmiero, a Japanese team isn’t going to give you a chance. But if you’re a wrestler, there are other outlets. I don’t see indy promotions toeing Vince’s party line on this one (if indeed there is a party line to be toed), and they’ll always be willing to hire an ex-WWE guy who’s had TV exposure and so forth. I don’t think the Japanese promotions give a shit. I don’t hear an announcement coming from Jeff Jarrett either, so if a WWE guy is high enough on the card, TNA’s still an option. In fact, TNA has proven to be a halfway house for ex-WWE guys who are notorious for their drug use (and it isn’t only steroids that are banned by the policy). So there’s not much of a threat at a complete loss of income here, which is the main way by which socially unacceptable behavior can be modified. Yeah, they won’t make as much money in indies or in TNA than they would in WWE, but they’re still making money. Yet another demonstration that this whole thing is a big PR move, and at not really a high cost either.
So exactly what’s been put on the Naughty List? The usuals, really. All the standard steroids and steroid precursors, including adrostenedione, nandrolone, and stanozolol, favorites of athletes on Banned For Life lists everywhere. Clenbuterol and other masking or neutralizing agents is totally banned, so that means giving up the hair restoration products or shaving yourself bald like Angle did. Diuretics are also banned, since a great many drugs on the banned list are water-soluble and can be washed out of the body through the usual methods. Now we get into the Stuff That Eric’s Taken. When I had my severe anxiety attack last year, I was prescribed hydrochlorthiazide to lower my blood pressure. It’s something I’ve taken before, and it did help. It’s nice to see good old furosemide on the list; that’s Lasix, better known for its use on horses.
Then there’s the other classes of performance enhancers. HGH and HGC are banned; too bad there’s no way to test for them, huh? Insulin-like Growth Factor is also banned, but insulin isn’t specifically mentioned. Insulin’s big on the bodybuilding circuit since it’s known to contribute to a more structured physique. Just in case you think that insulin isn’t banned because it has medical uses (namely the treatment of diabetes), they’ve banned lots of drugs that have medical uses. Yes, including some that I’ve taken.
The next category of drugs that are banned are amphetamines, which means they’ve taken this list directly from Major League Baseball. Greenies, speed, E, MDA, ephedrine-class drugs…this is becoming disturbing, actually. Last year, I came down with a severe cold, so I headed to Wal-Mart after work at midnight to stock up on cold medication. They almost called security on me because I had too many things in my possession that happened to contain ephedrine-class drugs. Look, assholes, I’m not brewing up meth, I’m trying to clear up my f*cking nose so I can breathe. And then they pulled every goddamn thing off the shelves that had pseudoephedrine hydrochloride when the phenylephedrine medications came out, and they work like shit compared to pseudoephedrine. Man, you can’t even get anything good OTC at a truckstop anymore, and you could get a real good buzz off of those “truckers’ vitamins”. And now, if you’re with WWE, you have to bring a note from a doctor telling them that you took some Sudafed because you had a cold. That’s spiffy.
Narcotic analgesics are also banned. Yes, heroin is illegal and is the worst goddamn soul-destroying drug in the world. Morphine has its purposes, though. But why codeine? There go the T3s without another doctor’s note. You want a real cheap high? T3s and a good Chablis. Gets you incredibly bombed at a low price. We won’t even talk about Mexican cough syrup. That stuff’s just too great.
Now here’s where I get f*cked: benzodiazepams are banned. Yep, there go my K-Dawgs. Regal ruined it for everybody by admitting to taking that. And, really, this is a real pisser considering that we’re a society that provides Valium in candy jars for guests at parties. But that’s out, and so is Xanax, another favorite of mine. Being bipolar with a heavy anxiety streak, do you know how popular I would have been in the locker room?
Barbituates are right out. Yeah, I can see where they might be abused, considering that wrestlers, like other people who travel for a living, might need a little help to sleep. But Dolls haven’t been cool since Judy Garland ODed. Most people just go to a doctor and get a prescription for Ambien nowadays, and that’s not banned.
Of course, anything on the Schedules are out too. Despite all our efforts to the contrary, cannabis and its derivatives are still illegal in this country. About half the locker rooms in the indies and about two-thirds of the locker room in TNA are pissed right now, hoping that this doesn’t trickle down.
Now, what if you’ve got a scrip for this stuff? Fine, but only as long as you’re using them according to doctor’s orders, or you’re not abusing your health by using them, or if you’re not double-dipping from multiple sources.
Now we come to booze. No drinking twelve hours prior to curtain, period. There goes Jake Roberts’ Legends contract, if it hadn’t already been wrecked by at least four sections of the above. Best of all, you know what this means? No Wife-Beater! Can’t drink until after the show’s over, remember. That means no more Steveweisers in the ring. I’d love to see him come back once more, then have Vince come out with security to remove him from the building and terminate his contract due to violation of the drug policy. That’s the only way I want to ever see him again, by the way. Boozing, by the way, is treated differently. The first time leads to treatment, then subsequently to three-strikes-you’re-out.
So when can the boys be tested, other than random testing (booze and pot are for suspected cause only)? First of all, it’s at a minimum of twice a year and an average of four times per year. Well, that’s reasonable. In the Army, I was tested four times a year. Other than that, there’s the Reasonable Suspicion Clause. So what constitutes reasonable suspicion? Here’s some examples:
Possession of drugs or paraphenalia: So you can’t use the Michael Irvin Excuse.
Physical signs of red or droopy eyes: So, eyestrain and insomnia can contribute to probable cause.
Slurred speech, stumbling, or hyperactivity: Jim Ross is f*cked if he comes back.
Repeated unexplained disappearances from an Event: This includes your wife not going over, not wanting to work a program with Jeff Jarrett, and having to job to Brock Lesnar.
Unexplained lateness in arriving for an Event: Working an ROH event is not a valid excuse.
Nose constantly runs, appears red, or persistent sniffling: Well, if you were allowed to take an effective cold medication, maybe that wouldn’t happen.
Chronic forgetfulness or broken promises: Oh, Booker, don’t forget that you owe Orton one.
Accidents during Events: If this includes blown spots, Van Dam’s even more f*cked than he thought.
Inability to concentrate, remember, or maintain attention: There’s the entire writing staff.
Mental confusion, paranoia, or presence of abnormal thoughts or ideas: And Steph and Trip.
Violent tendencies, loss of temper, or irritability: These are wrestlers. How can you tell?
Extreme personality change or mood swings: Does that include unexplained heel turns?
Deteriorating personal hygiene or appearance: The Boogeyman’s in real trouble, huh?
Receipt of a report from a reliable source that a Talent is using, possessing or selling illegal drugs: In other words, a narc. Do you know how much this is going to get abused by guys trying to keep their spots or move up?
They’re nice enough to inform us of what exactly a positive result is for a steroid test. The results are usually expressed as a ratio between testosterone and epitestosterone; the higher the ratio, the greater a chance you’ve been using steroids. The thing is, it’s exactly this test that caused problems at the beginning of the Olympics with the cross-country skiiers who were banned from the first event when their T/E levels were beyond Olympic limits (which, admittedly, are stricter than WWE’s). The skiiers claimed that their levels were elevated due to various reasons such as training at altitude; in fact, the reasons were legitimate and have been scientifically proven as non-chemically-enhanced ways to achieve a high T/E ratio. Also, some people are born with a T/E ratio that could put them inside the monitoring zone (higher than 4:1, in WWE’s case). What happens when the first lawsuit for unlawful termination happens? It will. It’ll be some midcarder, but it’ll still get attention in the media.
The person who’ll be handling the testing is Dr. David Black of Aegis Sciences Corporation, which is affiliated with Vanderbilt University (and here’s a hint, 1bullshit Junior: if you put in a header labeled “More information about people implementing WWE drug program”, do more than just throw in a f*cking link to their website). He can be guaranteed to run a clean program, since if there were any steroids at Vanderbilt, their football team wouldn’t suck. Besides, Vanderbilt is an Elite University. Steroids aren’t done there. As a graduate of an Elite University myself, I can assure you that the drugs of choice there are pot and speed, mostly the latter. You’ve got to take something when you’re pulling all-nighters, and sometimes coffee and cigarettes just don’t cut it. Then, after exams, you pull out the pot to come down. I remember after my Solid State final, three classmates and I went into a stairwell at the Regenstein Library and toked up for about an hour. Then we went over to Jimmy’s, the pub on 55th that was a University of Chicago tradition, and had a few beers. Good times, definitely. You don’t know how crushed I was when I went to the University last time I was in Chicago and found that Jimmy’s was replaced by a Starbuck’s.
How the hell did I get off on that tangent? Oh, never mind.
The thing is, will this work? Is this even for real? This sounds like such a carbon copy of the MLB drug testing program that you have to wonder if Vince just stole it and gave Dr. Black a good bribe to be the front man. It doesn’t really take into account the particular uniqueness of wrestling as an athletic endeavor. However, the similarities are there on purpose. Congress has pretty much accepted MLB’s drug plan, so if they decide to butt their heads into wrestling, all Vince has to do is show them this and point out that they’ve already had a chance to express negatives about a plan like this and didn’t. It’s just another move to keep the authorities off his back, pure and simple. So, no, I don’t feel positive toward this at all. It’s still a smokescreen. Only the smoke doesn’t smell as good as the stuff in that library stairwell in that winter of 1986.
I just noticed something: hallucinogens aren’t specifically banned. That’s good, because it’s the only way we can get through Raw these days…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
The Big Show and Kane over Val Venis and Viscera, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, TBS pins Viscera, double chokeslam): Thank you Washington, for that “Let’s Go, Mabel” chant. Notice how quickly the audio guys got that one potted down?
Houston, we have a problem. The Love Machine was the closest tag team to a competitor on Raw for the titles, and they were well and truly squashed in this one. So how do you get the belts off of TBS/Kane? There’s no team on Raw that can do it. There’s no real established team on Smackdown that could be brought in to do it either, not even MNM. The only way to get the belts off of them is to break them up. But that means one of them has to turn heel. Which one? Kane’s got a movie coming out, and you know how reluctant they are to turn someone heel when they’ve got a movie in the release pipeline (which is one reason why they kept resisting turning Flex back to The Rock for all that time). Every time TBS is turned heel, his heat disappears faster than a Bode Miller chance at a medal. They’re well and truly caught in a major bind. The only way they could possibly pull this off is by importing someone…when does AMW’s contract run out?
Rob Van Dam over Trevor Murdoch, Money In The Bank Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): I’ll lay you twenty bucks that Murray started the “Let’s Go, Murdoch” chants. However, you do have to admit that this is the best Murdoch’s ever looked in a match. Of course, Van Dam spent years in ECW learning how to make brawling stiffs look good, so it’s no surprise.
As for the result, duh. You can’t have MITB without Van Dam in there, and the fact that they have an ECW DVD to pimp right now is just another good excuse. However, I think they missed out on something interesting. Can you imagine Trevor Murdoch trying to navigate his way through MITB? It’d be exactly like what’s going to happen with Samoa Joe in Ultimate X, only worse. Guys who are built like that have no business being in matches like that, period. It’s an invitation to embarassment.
Trish Stratus over Candice Michelle, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): Has there ever been a title match whose sole purposes were 1) to pimp the appearance of one of the wrestlers in a skin mag and 2) to have an apres that involved implied carpet munching? Right now, Moolah and Mae are wishing they’d been born forty years later.
Shelton Benjamin over Chavito, Money In The Bank Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Orton-ference): You know why I love my Raw Regulars? It’s because they literally can anticipate what I’m going to write. Obviously, I did this write-up after the match itself. After Raw’s finished, I check my mail for what the Raw Regulars said. And here’s KC Evers (no relation) with this: ‘Tis a shame they went Angle Advancement with Chavo Vs Shelton. Now, let me transition back to what I wrote after the match itself…
Two questions come out of this one. The first is, where do you draw the line at an Angle Advancement Match (yes, KC, I anticipated it)? I don’t believe this was one, despite the fact that it did extend an angle. However, the angle’s taking place on the other show, and it only peripherally involves Chavito in its central issue. It was done moreso for the reason that Randy was there for the supershow taping and it was a cute thing to do, keeping Chavito in the mix of the whole Orton/Rey-Rey thing. So, no, not an Angle Advancement Match.
The second question is, why not both of them in MITB? Or if there was a choice of one or the other, why not Chavito so that we can have an IC title defense at Wrestlemania? Unless Benjy’s dropping the IC strap to Flair at SNME, this doesn’t make sense. I’ll have to go with that as a possible explanation and wait and see how developments shake out.
Anyone else think that this might have been a little preview of, oh, the IC title match at SummerSlam? Give these guys fifteen and we’ll have an MOTYC that doesn’t involve Joe, Styles, or Daniels.
Ric Flair over Carly Colon, Money In The Bank Qualifying Match (Pinfall, rollup): Okay, scrap the idea of Flair winning the IC strap at SNME. This pretty much points out that MITB may be a Raw thing only, since it’s tough to imagine them doing this match without Carly and Masters…unless, of course, they make it Carly and Gym Bunny against Kane and TBS for the tag titles. In any case, I think that a couple of months ago, everyone might have been afraid about having Ric Flair in MITB. However, after that ladder match with Edge, no one’s concerned anymore. Ric can do it, and we all know it. And God bless them for putting him into Wrestlemania. We were also a little scared there’d be no place for him. Good decision here.
Hey, Derrek Croney’s back, and he’s hit on the nub of the gist regarding the IC title scene:
I meant to submit this last week…the biggest problem with the Flair/Benjy match was that there was absolutely no build up, and I hate the fact they made the switch on free TV. The writers could have built up a feud that could have seen some pretty good interview exchanges between Flair and Momma Benjamin, only to have the payoff at ‘Mania.
Ah, Derrek, you still have some actual faith left in “creative”. How wonderfully optimistic of you. Well, that would have been the logical idea, but that’s now shot with both of them in MITB. That leaves the IC title in limbo for a WM defense unless it’s transitioned before that. But who to? The only choices, if Smackdown has the other three MITB slots, are Carly and Masters. Who could neutralize the Mamma Factor more effectively? That, unfortunately, would be Masters. Oh, geez, Gym Bunny, Intercontinental Champion. Russo was better than this.
Jimmy Greer, though, wants to look at the future:
After watching Flair’s interview, the Cena-Triple H interview and the Flair winning the Money In The Bank Qualifying match, I get the feeling Flair is walking out of the Allstate Arena with the title. Triple H defeats Cena for the belt, then Flair cashes in the money in the bank. Hunter would definitely do it for Flair and the fans go home happy. Just something to think about.
Only if it’s the last match on the card, Jimmy. And even so, Trip’s pretty much the only heel who’s walked out of the last match at WM victorious without an audience revolt. Plus, I don’t think conditions will be right for an immediate cash-in. If Flair wins, he’ll be trashed without that much time to recover. Remember, Edge was first on the card at NYR and had a not-very-stressful match, while Cena had just gone through the Elimination Chamber. That condition of perfect opportunity won’t really apply at WM.
Angle Developments:
He’ll Have Them Both: Okay, Edge/Foley, Hardcore Match at WM. I’ll buy it. At least it gets us away from the prospect of Foley trying to keep up with Edge in the ring. Edge is also pretty decent at garbage matches too. Maybe the sequel to this might be incorporated into One-Night Stand, thus pissing off the ECW Purists.
There is one thing we don’t have to worry about, though. If you want to measure yourself as a promo artist, one of the things that can put you at or near the top is being able to keep up with Mick Foley in a work-shoot promo duel. Edge certainly did that. He’s become one of the greatest work-shoot promo artists of all time, and done so very quietly. Good flow, good logic, good insults (I loved the “whoring himself out at an indy show” one). Bravo, Adam.
The Perils Of Smarkdom: The buildup to Wrestlemania would have a great deal more…well, piquancy if we hadn’t already figured out what was going to happen. Flair/Benjy for the IC strap was almost a definite considering the booking. We knew even before last week that even “creative” could figure out that Money In The Bank is a winning concept, and we even figured out most of the participants right away. Are they being that obvious, or are we too smart for our own good? Looks like the latter considering how MITB was booked, but when they swerve us like this, they always end up with the worse option in play.
The Lame Event: Speaking of promos, which we were above, having to cut a promo with Trip on the other side of the mic has to be an intimidating experience. No matter how good you are, no matter how intense you may be, Trip only needs a gesture or a facial expression to completely undermine you, and he did that to Cena more than once. No, Cena didn’t cut a bad promo or a boring one, it’s just that he was out of his class, and there are very, very few people in Trip’s class (in fact, I’d say only two, and they’re both former running buddies of him). Slick Rick pointed out that when Trip pulled out the “You’re not a very good wrestler” line, Cena was dog meat.
KC Evers (no relation) breaks it down mathematically:
Let’s take a quick look at the scoreboard…
Number of Pro-Trevor Murdoch related chants: 2
Number of Pro-John Cena related chants: 0
This promo also led us to the main event at SNME. Nice touch, Vince, saying, “…and the WWE champion”. Someone remembered that they’re having a title match on Smackdown (unlike Hatton, and Zarur, and everyone else who automatically put Kurt Angle’s name in there). Of course, it wasn’t hard to remember, since they taped that title match just before Raw began. Oh, by the way, the third person on the SD side of that handicrap match will be Kurt Angle, not the Undertaker, so those guys got lucky. Yah, boo, sucks to you too. As for SNME, I like the official logo. Reminiscent of the old logo, yet fitting in well with the current design lineage. Truly, a nice update to an old classic.
One more little thing: the question has been answered of where they got the term “transitional champion”. They, of course, got it from me. After reading through some columns for a question regarding the rankings, I found I’d used the term “transitional champion” describing Edge at least three times in my January 10th column. I’m always ahead of the curve.
Well-Deserved Honors: So, Gene Mean in the Hall of Fame…if anyone has objections to this, take them and f*ck off. He definitely belongs in there. I just hope he tries to pimp a hotline during his induction speech. But speaking of that speech…it’s not Okerlund getting into the Hall that bothers me, it’s the fact of who’s inducting him. I don’t want HIM anywhere near Rosemont, much less in Rosemont, that weekend. Any chance that someone can get him drunk and drive him over to the ROH show in Chicago Ridge that night? No, on second thought, I don’t want him anywhere near the Southwest Side. That’s my home, after all. It must be kept free of all vermin. Especially orange ones.
Short-Term Expediency: So it’s Shane in a Street Fight at SNME, followed by Vince at WM. I’m cool with that as well, I guess. I mean, I already mentally accepted the Michaels/Vince match. But we all know how good Shane is in Street Fights, and Michaels will definitely sell for him. That might be Match of the Night at SNME, in fact. But I think they missed a trick here. With the revival of SNME, they should be allowed to indulge themselves in a bit of nostalgia. Why not book a Rockers/Shane-Vince match? A special occasion deserves something like a Rockers Reunion. We shouldn’t have anything to worry about in regard to that. Michaels and Jannetty worked quite well together last year. Too bad about that missed opportunity.
Of course, the overriding issue was, did Marty deserve to become a member of the Kiss My Ass Club? Believe it or not, yes. If you did what he did to cause his release last year after working so hard to get back into WWE, you should HAVE to kiss Vince’s ass to get your job back, and be happy he gave you the chance to pucker up. But, someone, he’s back on the roster (or will be after some type of modus vivendi like putting his contract on the line in the Street Fight with Shane). Well, I’m always in favor of giving someone a second chance, but the appropriate penance has to be performed. I am a just and merciful god, after all.
The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self asks this:
Tell me that when Vince was telling Marty to get his arms up, you weren’t waiting for him to make a crack about Marty’s run-ins with the law?
Oh, yeah, that would have been great, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. WWE won’t step over the boundary regarding real-life legal problems unless they can get someone over with them (witness not only Flair in re Edge but also Brian Adams back in the day). Since Marty is going to be a sympathetic face, you can’t come out and say that he got blotto and beat his wife.
Slick Rick wants to focus on the other side of Vince’s anatomy:
How long until Vince just whips it out and starts jerking off in the ring?
The Monday after the first night Raw gets a 5.
And that covers that. Yeah, not much per se, and the only thing I have to do today is pick up dry cleaning. So I think I’ll just sit here, vegetate, and try to prep for the Short Form. Until then, farewell.
