Contradicting Popular Opinion: OSCARS 2006

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Contradicting Popular Opinion

A.K.A.

An Enquiry Concerning Why The Oscars Sucks

Intro

So, I don’t feel like doing these things in a round table. And, for some reason, these little gold dildos demand a lot of columns. Therefore, I shall devote this week’s column to them.

So it is.

Now, generally speaking, I am rubbish at predictions. Before the Royal Rumble, I seriously entertained thoughts of a Wrestlemania title match between WWE Champion Edge, and Rumble winner Ric Flair.

So, don’t put any money on what I say.

The basic premise to the Award show is for the Academy to cause me as much pain and frustration as possible.

My predictions will be cynical, and based on the racist, sexist, superficial, and arbitrary tendencies of the Oscars.

Oscar night, 2006

Best Supporting Actress

All right, so it is a crime against humanity that Maria Bello is not here. I’ve said that thing before, and I’ll say it again. Let’s look at what we do have. We got an unknown in a movie nobody has heard of: i.e. no chance for you Amy Adams. We have Frances McDormand doing some sort of weird Fargo victory lap. We have Catherine Keener filling in the spot for the “Hollywood ugly” actress.

So, basically, we got a contest between Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams. These two are the archetypes that the Academy voters like, i.e. pretty women in serious roles in serious movies, but who are still willing to pose provocatively in numerous print articles. I’ve seen Rachel Weisz force her tits together for “Parade” magazine more often. I think that means she wins, despite the Chain Reaction staring us right in the face.

Best Supporting Actor

This one tends to be my favorite category every year, as this is an award that character actors (AKA ugly people) can win. It would be nice to see Ed Harris and Mickey Rourke here for A History of Violence and Sin City respectively, but hey what can you do?

History is represented by William Hurt. Of course, nobody gives him a chance to win because he only has 10 minutes of screen time. Whatever. The other extreme is more frustrating to me, that is to say last year’s inclusion of Jamie Foxx in Collateral. Brother was the lead in that flick. What the f*ck?

At any rate, this category is up for grabs. Voters want to give Paul Giamatti something for f*cking him over in years past. Hell, I want to see him win, and I’d rather fall down the stairs than sit through Cinderella Man.

But, George Clooney is a handsome star who is thrice nominated this year. And he isn’t going to win the other two. The Academy doesn’t want him to go home empty handed.

Jake G. made a bunch of high profile movies this last year, and people want to show him some love too.

And then there is Matt Dillon, who has a strong chance at this thing too. I like the guy, but wasn’t terrible impressed by him in Crash. He played a flawed character, ooh…. Big f*cking deal.

So looking at all of these factors, I’m closing my eyes and picking Clooney, mainly because I find him terribly smug and annoying, and the Academy hates me.

Best Actress

Judi Dench is filler. She is unobjectionable. Everybody likes her. She makes everything from sitcoms to hoity toity films of introspection to Bond movies.

There weren’t a lot of Best Actress Stand-outs, so they looked at the last thing Dench did, and threw her in there.

Keira Knightly fills the position of the “Oh, you can act? But you’re so pretty” nominee. She would be winning the award had she been wearing a fake nose. Sadly for her, she was not.

Felicity Huffman did make herself uglier, so her chances are greatly improved. However, her chances are hurt by the fact that she did not start out quite young and hot enough. (This is speaking from the minds of voters and not my own.)

Charlize Theron is there because she won one before.

Reese Witherspoon wins because I find her grating.

Easy as that.

Best Actor

Let us see. We have impression of famous person, impression of famous person, straight guy playing gay, impression of famous gay person, and pimp.

Pretty normal year actually.

The academy usually prefers whores and gigolos to pimps, so Howard is out. Plus, the Academy just gave the award to a black guy last year. You just know they wouldn’t do that twice in a row.

Jamie Foxx winning last year also eliminates Joaquin from the running. They just gave the award for a biopic portrayal of a troubled popular musician.

Strathairn is in the difficult spot of being mostly unknown, but not a fresh face. Were this his first performance, he might’ve won. Or had he had numerous high profile gigs before. As it stands, he has a snowball’s chance.

So, it is down to the two gay parts.

Hoffman’s chances are hurt by the fact that I like him.

So, Ledger wins.

Simple as that.

By the by, is it just me, or did anybody else notice this thing? Ledger and Hoffman seem to have paired up their homosexual roles with “butch” roles. With all the ads for Brokeback I also saw ads for Casanova. And PSH is now a Mission Impossible Villain.

Maybe it is just me.

Best Director/Picture

I’m teaming them up, because the categories contain the same flicks. And to paraphrase the late Gene Siskel, if the best director didn’t direct the best picture, what did he direct?

Okay so that may be over-simplifying things, but just a bit.

Anyways, I hate Spielberg.

Just wanted to say that thing.

At any rate, what I said about Judy Dench translates to him here.

Miller is an unknown. Haggis is a TV hack. Clooney is doing Robert Redford light. So, Ang Lee and Brokeback Mountin’ win their spots.

And we’ll all get to feel good about how forward thinking we are, despite the fact that none of these flicks is particularly ground-breaking. Ooh messages like, “everybody is a little bit rascist,” “McCarthyism is bad,” and “sometimes people are gay.” That’s really f*cking revolutionary. It seems to me like nearly FORTY years ago, the BEST PICTURE winner was an X-rated movie about a male prostitute. Then we had the 1970s, full of brilliant (unsequelable) and daring films like Deliverance, Dog Day Afternoon, and TV shows like “All in the Family.”

At any rate, the gay cowboys win, despite a noticeable lack of eating pudding.

Everything Else

Crash is going to win for BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY despite not being very good. I have come to expect this thing.

Adapted screenplay could go a couple of different ways. The weakest one is probably The Constant Gardener. So that means that it will win.

Animated feature? Well give Corpse Bride the “Jimmy Neutron annual no chance in f*ck award” for the category. Wallace and Gromit will win, despite the fact that it is a film that I would like to see.

March of the Penguins will win Best Documentary because it bored the shit out of me.

Everything else? I could give a flying f*ck.

Pimping

Eh… I’m too f*cking tired to pimp. Check out Reller who is helping to hold up the society section.

That’s all I got.