Welcome back to ringside friends. Yes, I made myself a new header image. It still sucks but it has Kelly Clarkson in it so it makes me happy.
News & Shit
–TNA Saturday Rating: 0.9
Alex Fuckin’ Shelley. Shelley is the one who “leaked” the Sting photos, Shelley is the one who shot the Sting footage, and Shelley is the one who provided the hilarious commentary during the comments. Alex Shelley has taken a simple gimmick and run with it. Now, TNA needs to push him to the X Division Belt because his wrestling ability is right there with his promo ability.
–Samoa Joe signs a new contract with TNA
And with that, WWE and Joe rumors are done. So you f*cking WWE marks can stop your bantering about “JOE WILL RULZ N WWE!!!” because it’s not going to happen. Joe isn’t going to be the next Rikishi or Jamal or Rosey or any other fat Samoan jobber. He’s not going to be limited to working WWE style where they would probably ban The Muscle Buster and every other move he does because he’s too damn stiff for them. Lets face it, if Joe went to WWE he would turn out like every other non WWE grown talent. Even if they decided to give him a push, it would only be a matter of time before HHH, JBL, Taker, Michaels, ect… bitch that Joe is kicking and chopping the f*ck out of them. Samoa Joe would kick the damn muttons off Triple H. But would they push him? Probably not, he would be down in OVW just like his good friend CM Punk.
–TNA no longer has interest in Hardy and Waltman
Good on one account, decent on another. Hardy is done and through. You all know my opinions about him and his money hungry brother. Waltman on the other hand, doesn’t deserve another chance, but when he shows up, he comes to work. Waltman could have been added to The James Gang instead of Bob Armstrong. Whatever, neither man deserves another chance, fire them both and free up some cash.
–Kevin Day is TNA’s new CEO and said that everyone is being evaluated and no one is untouchable
Ok, I already have a problem with this guy because there are untouchable workers. AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, Abyss, Alex Shelley, and a few others are untouchable. You don’t need to evaluate those guys, they show up, and just go to work. You watch those guys and you think of Tom Jackson during the NFL Skills Challenge when Torry Holt was catching the ball. “Just watch him work, just watch him work, just watch him work.” You don’t need a damn report card with you when you watch these guys. And who the f*ck is Kevin Day to judge talent? What kind of background does this kid have? He should just sit at his desk and shut up. Please don’t tell me we have another Ziggy Wilf on our hands.
HUGE Eight Man War
So Jeff Jarrett, Abyss, & America’s Most Wanted vs. Rhino, Ron Killings, & Team 3-D was added to the Destination X line up. I guess that means Rhino/Abyss will continue their feud and Team 3-D/AMW will continue their feud. Nobody should say it starts a Killings/Jarrett feud because it doesn’t. Both of those men are just fillers in the match.
Jarrett has nothing better do until Sting returns so he gets added to this match in order to captain the team to victory. Has Jarrett even mentioned this match? Wait, he was the one who announced the match but decided not to announce the competitors in the same sentence. Jarrett is too busy trying to convince Eric Young that Sting is gone for good, Jarrett is too busy bossing Alex Shelley around, and Jarrett is too paranoid with Sting. He gives no mention to Killings, Rhino, or Team 3-D. Jarrett could care less about this match and this PPV. This is Jeff Jarrett’s break PPV, except unlike HHH, he doesn’t really take a break. Jarrett is just going to show up, gain some heat for his team, hit the 3 moves he can perform, and not factor into the win or loss in any way. He’s not going to feud with Killings because based on booking, he’s above Killings.
Ron Killings is in the match as the other filler. He’s here because he has no damn direction at this point. First he’s still involved with the whole James Gang/LAX beef, then he’s beating Bobby Roode 3 times in one night, and now he’s all of a sudden paired with Team 3-D. I’ve got no beef with Killings, I find him to be a very good wrestler and the most entertaining in 3LK. He just has no direction right now. He’s doing one thing one week and then he’s doing something else the next. TNA needs to find something to do with Killings. He’s not quite good enough to be World Heavyweight Champion and he doesn’t completely fit in with the X Division. I know he was in the Ultimate X match just last year but there’s a reason why he was the first man out. Ron Killings is the perfect example of why TNA needs a mid card title.
Team 3-D and AMW will continue their long drawn out feud with this match. This thing should have ended at Final Resolution when the damn Impact Zone was about to blow up when Team 3-D won the Tag Team Titles. But no, they continued it to Against All Odds where the idiot fans decided that instead of giving them a title shot against AMW, they gave Team 3-D a throwaway match against Team Canada. Now, the feud will continue until at least Lockdown because we all know this feud isn’t going to end until Team 3-D wins the Tag Team Titles. Here’s how you book the rest of this feud: A member of Team 3-D pins a member of AMW in this match, Team 3-D demands a Tag Team Title shot, Team 3-D/AMW takes places at Lockdown, Team 3-D wins the NWA Tag Team Titles. Everyone wins in that situation. The babyfaces are done chasing the belts and the built up heels finally lose. Team 3-D can then go into a feud with LAX or something, I don’t care. AMW/Team 3-D is a money feud and a dream feud to some people. Well the dream is over, TNA has made this gone on too long and a lot of people have started to lose interest.
Also with this match, Rhino and Abyss no doubt continue their feud. Did TNA miss the spot where Rhino shoulderblocked (That’s right, it was a damn shoulderblock, not a Gore) Abyss off the stands and through 4 tables? A spot like that ends a feud. But no, with this match TNA has pretty much announced that this feud will continue heading into Lockdown. So the question is, how do you book this feud? Well here’s some more Booking 101 for the kids: Abyss and Rhino battle all over the arena and don’t factor into the final decision in the match, Zybsko states that nobody is safe and they both should be locked up, as luck would have it Lockdown is the next PPV. Abyss and Rhino blow off their feud in a cage match at Lockdown.
If you’ve learned anything from this section of the column, you’ve learned how simple and effective booking works. You don’t need molestation, sex tapes, legal problems, custody problems, ect… to get a storyline over. Sure it’s fun at times (ex. Alex Shelley) but there’s no need to go over board (Yes, I’m looking at you WWE)
No, Seriously TNA, It’s Not 1998
So it seems as if Hevia had the week off which leaves me with dissecting Warrior’s latest stupid rant. My opinions are in bold:
Former WWF champion The Ultimate Warrior has recently updated his commentary on his official website. He discusses TNA’s decision to bring Sting into the company, Sting’s recent media conference call and also mentions that TNA should invest their money in bringing in Warrior to face former WCW World champion Goldberg. Here’s the Warrior’s first problem, he doesn’t know when to shut the hell up. Now most ICWers love Warrior because he provides a lot of us with some great material and he probably loves the attention, but all he does is continue to prove that he is a complete dumbass with a fading career.
Warrior wrote, “[Sting] also mentioned in the press conference that Ultimate Warrior coming to TNA would be interesting. Yes, I have to agree — it would be very interesting. No it wouldn’t. It would be a complete hack job and a f*cking joke if Warrior came to TNA. I know I have no interest in Warrior coming to TNA. Sting was just being nice to the guy that he broke into the business with, that’s it, don’t read into it.
What would be more interesting is if the TNA execs had the creativity, integrity and balls to entertain it seriously. Frankly, what they should do, if they want to be competitive (there’s that nasty blood, sweat and tears word again), is sell some of those construction materials Daddy Jarrett has laying around, and put up the financing to bring in Goldberg and Ultimate Warrior and let us try to beat the intensity out of one another. How about you try beating some sense into each other? TNA has enough creativity and integrity to not have the balls to bring in Warrior and Goldberg. TNA doesn’t need Warrior or Goldberg to be competitive. TNA needs a better timeslot (which they are getting) and more air time (which they are not getting) to be competitive. Hacks with no promo ability, no wrestling ability, and depleted name value won’t make them any better than they are now. Warrior vs. Goldberg shouldn’t even headline the NC State Fair, much less a TNA PPV.
Now there’s an idea — an attention getting one, and a money making one. I mean, instead of always using “warrior” as the adjective to fallaciously describe all those who aren’t — bring a real, and Ultimate, one in. What in the hell makes him a Warrior? Isn’t he just using it as an adjective to describe himself as well? And to top it off, he adds Ultimate in front of it to give it more power. Oh wait, his legal name is Warrior Warrior? Hmmm, maybe he is a Warrior. Do I need to remind him that he was the f*cking DINGO Warrior?
Let the hardcore, natural intensity rip. Let both of us take our mischaracterized heads halfway out of our asses, just enough for us to be businessmen capable of discussing the serious potential success yet not enough to defuse a competitive grudge, and let the serious and creative thinkers at TNA, those without an agenda or envy problem, work out a program. He lost me at hardcore in this little rant. If Goldberg and Warrior could get their heads out of their asses, I would be impressed. Neither one of these men can be businessmen because neither one will want to job. They both look like pussies if they job and we all know how that worked out for WCW (Warrior) and WWE (Goldberg). Who in the hell in TNA is envious of Warrior? Lets think, everyone in TNA has a job and is getting paid, Warrior is bitching over the Internet about not having a job. Here’s the booking 101 for this match: Don’t do it.
Put your silly a** fear and prejudice for my strong, bold character away and think SUCCESS. Here’s how you think success in TNA: AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Christian Cage, and the list goes on. Warrior is a failure at life.
Hell, I’m all for great ideas. But don’t expect me to keep my mouth shut when you don’t come up with any. Of course, as I hinted at, it won’t be inexpensive. Goldberg has an agent and has to give him a cut. I’m my own and I charge even more. You want to know why TNA hasn’t come up with an idea for you? BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ON THE FUCKING ROSTER! And now we have the money issue. Yes, TNA is going to pay Goldberg and Warrior to put on a WMOTYC instead of paying a guy like Chris Jericho who has more talent in one finger than both you assholes combined. The fact that Warrior even mentions money at this point is beyond me. If you really wanted a deal with TNA, you would leave money out of it until they contacted you, which they never should.
The bigger obstacle, and definitely the one that has us both the most hated in the industry, is that we are strong individualists who don’t need, or even necessarily want, to be in the business and can get along having great lives without it. So what the hell have you been talking about this entire time? “Have Goldberg and Me fight in TNA but we don’t really need the company.” Is Warrior Warrior all of a sudden related to Bode Miller or something? Warrior rambles on and on about how Goldberg vs. Warrior is the biggest money maker ever but then he says talks about how it’s not that big of a deal. It’s times like these that I wish Hulk Hogan f*cked up the fireball incident by permanently deforming the face of Warrior.
But, what a way it would be for the most envied and despised to shove the final word down the throats of those Nor’Easterners, while TNA capitalizes off the incredible heat of it all.” So now you want to do the match? Make up your damn mind. I don’t think Warrior realizes what the Impact Zone is all about. It’s not 5,000 people cheering whatever Vince McMahon feeds them every week. It’s 300 marks cheering good wrestling. The Impact Zone would shit all over Goldberg and Warrior in a matter of seconds. Goldberg thought the crowd at WM 20 was hard on him, the Impact Zone would make him cry.
In conclusion, Warrior is a complete idiot. I would post a video showing a Warrior promo from his WWF days but I don’t need a video to back up what a complete idiot he truly is.
In other 1998 news, TNA is apparently close to signing Scott Steiner to appear on the First Primetime Episode of Impact. Do I have a problem with this? Of course I do. Scott Steiner is washed up. Did TNA not see his run in WWE a few years ago? His matches contained the following moves: Clothesline, Punch, Kick, 500 Overhead Suplexs.
Steiner can’t hack it in the ring anymore. He’s tired and fatigued after bouncing off the ropes and he can’t wrestle over the 3 minute mark. Could he squash a few jobbers? Sure but he’s not going to do that. No, Scott Steiner will no doubt be inserted right into the World Title picture, a place where he doesn’t belong. Scott Steiner is going to come in and take away time for the actual workers in TNA. He is going to take away time for a X Division Match, Alex Shelley goodness, and a Christian Cage promo. And what’s he going to do with that time? Kiss his roided body and talk about his freaks, geeks, peaks, and sneaks.
TNA should leave 1998 alone. Was it the best year in wrestling? According to most, it was. Trying to recreate 1998 with The Outlaws, Goldberg, Warrior, and Steiner is just stupid. People love TNA because they’re different. They love TNA because the X Division is new and exciting. TNA needs to play to the new audience and not worry about the old. The old fans are even older now, let them be.
Triple H Jobs
No, not really. We all know that Triple H doesn’t job but expert job searcher Eric S. recently found the following: Triple H Food Processors. Now although Eric is over qualified he decided to try his luck anyway. I contacted Eric and he says that he has not been contacted back by Triple H (The company, not the person). So what’s the point of all this? Well Eric posted this in the “Super Secret Staff Forums” and we all had a good time inserting our own jokes. So I now bring you: Comedy From The IP Wrestling Staff
Iain Burnside: Be prepared to have your workrate seriously dissed…
Eric S: Plus I’d have to constantly be paranoid about holding on to my position and/or hitting the glass ceiling.
Steve Murray: But on the bright side, if you can knock up the owner’s daughter, you’ll be set for life.
Michaelangelo McCullar: If you got the job there, would that make you the Nature Boy?
David Brashear: I understand that to clock in there, it doesn’t count unless you scream “Time to play the game!”
Troy Hepple: I wonder what their biggest rival company is?
Mike Lawrence: Common business sense.
Jed Shaffer: “Eric, your output is less then half of what the rest of the company is. How do you explain this?”
“They just don’t know how to work the Main Event Style like me, sir.”
“Oh. Right. Naturally. Carry on then.”
Michaelangelo McCullar: When the employees enter the plant, do they saunter in to the strains of Motorhead and spit a mouthful of water in the air before clocking in?
David Brashear: Is it true that this company issues its employees a sledgehammer as part of their uniforms?
Vinny Truncellito: …and a strange reverse-goatee beard?
Jeremy Lambert: Do you have to work Tuesdays?
Dan Hevia: BEST answer in this whole post.
After that, the jokes stopped because I had clearly won. I was personally a fan of Jed’s answer but that’s just me. So as you can see, while some of us can be pricks in our columns, we all have a sense of humor when the time is needed.
This has been Comedy From The IP Wrestling Staff
Copyright © 2006
YouTube Match Of The Week
So last week I debuted this little piece because of a few e-mails from fans claiming they don’t get a chance to see anything outside of WWE. Well I actually got some thank you e-mails from fans, so you’re welcome. Since I figure this will become a weekly thing, I decided to structure it a bit more instead of just giving you the video.
This week I decided to stick with my Alex Shelley column theme with this match. Sadly the only non TNA Alex Shelley match is in Japanese and I don’t even want to sit through that.
Match: Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, & Austin Aries vs. Chris Sabin, Christopher Daniels, & AJ Styles
Event: TNA Impact
Rating: ***3/4
Plugs
Eric takes aim at the WWE Wellness Program.
Gordi joins the YouTube club.
Phil and J.D. debate HHH winning at WrestleMania.
Jed reviews the new ECW DVD.
Douglas joins the Impact Review club. I’m normally not a fan of plugging show recaps but since it’s the debut, I decided to be lenient.
And finally, I promised Mark Neeley that I would plug anything he put up in a weeks time, so he decided to put up 4 different things. So please read NeelDown: The Bret Hart DVD, NeelDown: Smackdown, NeelDown: Impact, and The View From The Cheap Seats. And after you read those things, please e-mail Mark Neeley and tell him to stop begging for plugs but please don’t call him a “j@ckaZz bitch n***a” in the process. Thank you.
The End
That’s all for this week. Next week, At Rinkside returns with some Trade Deadline goodness and as usual you get my TNA banter. Drop me a line at AMPLine4Life@aol.com and join me next time At Ringside.
